need some help - oneitis and slipping into afc

[JoeBlack]

Hi all,

I have always struggled with falling for someone way to quick and getting hooked on them. I REALLY want to change. I need some help from some helpful people Not just saying don’t be a wuss, read the bible - but really understanding where I am coming from and trying to help me change my mindset.

Let me explain a little further.

I think it’s because I think that what I am experiencing with a certain girl, I might not experience again.

I got into my first relationship at 18 and stay with the girl for 6 years until I was 24. This relationship did nothing for my confidence and really ****ed me over. I ended it in the end - just because I knew she would never be the one for me.

So 2 years on and I have had bits of luck. Not enough - trust me but I am trying to change what with being more outgoing, making a few approaches etc.

Anyway about 6 weeks ago I got with this girl. We knew each other from a while back and I didn't make a move for about 2 months. To be honest I wasn't massively bothered. Anyway one night I just asked her out for a drink and she said yes and since then we have been seeing each other a few nights a week.

I am finding myself getting way too attached to her. Not to the point that she can see it because I would not let that happen. I know that would be the worst thing. But it seems like a constant struggle to make it seem to her that I am cool with whatever - when inside I just want to spend every minute with her.

REALLY I do not. I don't want to stop seeing my mates and she should come second for sure. I know that, but I still find myself planning stuff around arranging to see her, and waiting for her call etc.

Maybe she does to, who knows, but all I know is I don't want to feel like this. I want to be able to feel a bit more removed and take it easy come, easy go.

Also my previous relationship left me feeling nervous and anxious when I was out in public with a girl I liked because of how my ex acted. So I feel nervous and anxious when I am out with her and friends in a partying environment.

How do you guys keep the mindset of not getting too attached? How do you avoid getting oneitis?

I know I can do it because I sometimes click and feel like that, but its rare and only lasts for a minute or two.

If I think about it – she would be massively lucky to land me anyway. I am mid twenties (about the same age as her), I have a very good job that pays very well, and I am ok/good looking, pretty funny and very generous. Also hit the gym a fair bit so I am in ok shape. I also own a start up business that one day could very well make me a fair amount of money. So I think I am a pretty good catch I guess I should just KEEP reminding myself of this and also try and make some other moves to make it clear I can attract other women etc still.

Ok, a bit of a ramble, but I would appreciate some helpful replies from you experienced DJ’s

Thanks

JoeBlack

 

[homey72]

Dude Relax

As long as you keep your cool, don't AFC the situation, you should be fine. Of course you should be asking yourself some serious questions during this time. Specifically, what do you want out of the short term, out of the long term. A couple of things to keep in mind, how well do you know this girl and should you be wasting as much energy on a person like this? What do you want out of the short term and out of the long term. If you feel like there could be a chance with this one for something long term then definately don't screw it over by going AFC. On the other hand, if you really want to keep things casual then the best advice I can give is get more girls in your rotation.

If you have several women that you can call at any time and they will hang out and do whatever with you then it takes a lot of the pressure off. One starts acting up, send her home until she's ready to play nice. Have too much spare time and thinking about that one girl too much, call number 2 or number 3 on the list. Go hang out with them and have a good time. You'll be surprised how much easier life is when you date multiple girls.

One caveat though, be a man about it. You don't have to tell them everything but don't lie to these women. If they ask be honest, let them know you date other women. Funny thing, you may lose some but the others that stay will try that much harder.

Good luck!

 

[mysterymanelp]

work on the self esteen a little. Once you feel like your on top of your game you wont feel so anxious. You will be more confortable in your settings.

 

[todesangel]

**** her in the ass

 

[Slickster]

Onetis and getting too attached is a problem directly caused by low self esteem. If you aren't happy/content being alone then there isn't a woman on the planet who will make you happy.

You say you want to spend every minute with her. You are arranging your life around her. You are placing your happiness in her hands. As if her presence is what makes you content. Do you see the fault in that mindset?

Once you've gained more experience with women you'll realize that they aren't that special at all. You should be the most important thing in your life. Not her.

 

[JoeBlack]

Thanks for the reply guys.

Yeah, she is someone that could be long term, but I totally agree with you guys. I am more important than any girl is, and I should keep remembering that

I am feeling better today actually

 

[FratAndDiddy]

YOU are in charge bro.
show her, lead the way, dictate the pace.
never drop the ball on her side of the court and NEVER let her looks get in your way !!