Need some help from my fellow DJ brothers.

[gravityeyelids]

I feel like complete garbage. Last night i parted ways with this girl who was my first and only LTR, and a person i continued to care for and share happy times with for the past 2 years.

I dated this girl starting about 2 years ago, in college. She was my neighbor and i screened for for a looong time.... probably close to 6 months before i decided to enter a LTR with her. Our LTR was around 10 months or so. It was incredibly smooth. I don't think we argued once and we got along together so well that i didnt think it was possible.

Near the end of those 10 months she mentioned that she was considering applying for a study abroad semester in south america that would bring much to her resume and potential career. Before she applied (because she was almost sure to get it), she consulted be, and was surprised that i actually encouraged her to go, as that would essentially mean the end of our exclusive LTR.

So she ended up going, and had a fantastic time (which i knew she would. I was okay with this and mature about it). She comes back and due to logistics we are unable to enter back into an exclusive relationship. She lives more than 3 hours away, and i don't do the LDR thing (neither does she).

So whenever our time and budgets would permit, we would meet up with each other every coupl months, usuallyu getting a hotel room for a night or two...going out to see the cities, going out to eat, having large amounts of passionate sex. I made it clear to her that i was fine with this being what it was. And also that i was in no way interested in being just friends. As i explained to her, "it's impossible to be just friends with someone and sit 5 feet away and talk about the weather when you want to reach across and grab their hair and makeout with them passionately"(or something along those lines). She agreed that we couldnt be just friends because we were so sexually attracted (and attracted in other ways) to each other.

So fast forward to earlier this summer. She goes on a backpacking trip around Europe for an entire month. We keep in contact, and she makes sure to keep in contact with me at least a couple times a week, almost always initiating contact with me etc. etc. Now let's make it clear here that I have no illusions what goes on when a couple of 22 year old girls go on a trip to europe. I assume that she is going to be banging other dudes. Which honestly doesnt bother me. She's not my girlfriend, and i'm also chasing other girls all summer.

When she gets back to the US, one of the first thing she does is make plans to come up and visit my college for the first weekend to party our asses off. Now, her roommates, who i'm really really good friends with, all still go here. I love all these girls, they're really comfortable around me and we party even when my girl isn't around. So my girl i'm talking about (we'll call her Sarah for the sake of conversation), comes up and goes straight to her roommates' place (which is fine). I honestly thought that she might've come see me first, but whatever, so I hang back and wait for her to hit me up to join them. We make plans to meet up at this group of peoples' house we usually party with.

I meet her around 11pm and we party. Things are okay, but i can sense some distance between us. She's not really responding well to my kino and kisses, etc. So i ease up. Whatever. We make it back to my place at like 2 am and promptly hookup. We're both pretty tired, so we have sex for like a minute or two and then just kind of decide to sleep. We wake up at 4am and we're both horny so we have some really charged, passionate middle-of-the-night sex, and then go back to sleep. We wake up and i make food. I'm a reallly good cook and i usually cook for her. I'm super hungover, so she goes off to chill with her roomies, and i spend a few hours eating, trying to workout and overcome my hangover.

I go over to join them like 5pm because we're going to this back-to-school event/carnival thing. We go to that a few hours and at this point i'm honestly a little bit irritated because i want some alone time with her (sober) without her like 5 friends being there. At the fair i ask if she wants to come back and watch a movie which she replies with "nah, not really". She's also just being pretty distanced with her touching and body language. Not like rude or anything, just kind of standoffish This is very out of character with her. Every other time i've seen her, she is attached to me like crazy and we have this flame between us. So at one point i tell her "i'd really like to spend some time alone with you". I figure AT LEAST this sends a very clear message that "you're are getting fvcked if we hangout alone".

We part ways again so i can shower or whatever. I sense this change in character, so i know that i need to take action and reduce any amount of neediness i'm showing. I realize i shouldnt be so eager to hang out with her, although it is almost assumed that we hang out romantically, given our history. So i just chill and make sure that she texts first, which she does around 9pm, inviting me to pregame at her place and then go to the bar. Luckily this girl i knew from high school is having a party for her program and this gives me an "in" at that bar to get $2 you-call-it's all night. So i'm like cool. Shower, head over. BOOM. Complete change in behavior. She's responding to all of my touching, constantly making sure she's close to me. She ends up gettting drunk and continues to touch me like crazy and putting her head on my shoulder and making it easy for me to kiss her. And i like it because this is the way it usually is with us. It feels normal.

So we start to sober up after the bar a bit and this is where things go downhill. We're still kind of drunk...enough where i know i dont want to get into any type of logical argument or relationship-type discussion with her. It's like a 20 minute walk back to my apartment from her roommates'. We're talking passionately about some type of culture difference or other subject and having fun while walking. And i cut her off mid sentence because i'm excited about something i wanna tell her. Now this is something i do more than i'd like with people i talk to. I realize it's not a good thing, and it's something i should change. But still. She immediately gets kind of pissed saying stuff like "why do you always cut me off? That's so rude." We start to argue a bit, and i'm trying to find a way to avoid an impending argument. But as we all know, girls will use any excuse to make a reason to get pissed at you. At one point i try and be like "can we just please drop it? I know this is something that irritates you, but arguing when we're under the influence of booze never ends well". Of course this kind of sets her off more, and we start talking about our relationship, etc. etc.

I start to walk ahead of her and stop talking to her, basically ignoring her, to end this destructive arguement before it leads to worse. This is lose-lose because it's rude to just start ignoring her and gives her another reason to get pissed. Eventually we bring up the subject of her seeing her roommates and i explain that i was honestly irritated that she was not giving me ANY alone time. I'm like "i don't want to just spend time with you alone when we're fvcking drunk, you know". We get back to my place and this talk just gets worse... Im telling that she's being distant with me. I tell her that a month ago she was the one who was perfectly okay with our casual thing that we have. And i had asked her what she wants now. She said it's hard because she knows it's not logical or healthy to have this type of relationship with me.

She realizes that it can't go anywhere, but when she sees me in person she's super attracted to me and has a lot of fun. I explain that we should just enjoy the time we have together and not "halfa$$" it by gettting caught up in whether or not it's healty. I keep telling her that if she wants us to part ways then she needs to tell me, and that she shouldn't expect to have much of any contact with me if this is the case. She's kind of annoyed and asks "how can you just break contact with me if you feel the same way i do about you, about me?" I'm kind of a disconnected person. I explain how i can't just "pretend" to be just friends when there's this passion and fire between us.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Finally i start to get the truth out of her, that she feels like she needs to "move on" from me to other parts of her life. But she's having a hard time because she loves me and doesn't want to lose me. She says that she realized a lot of things in Europe, and that she still likes me a lot (more than just a friend), but she doesnt know if this casual relationship is sustainable. I explained that, as before, i'm okay with whatever. I dont let my feelings get in the way and i'm okay with this casual thing if she is, but i expect her to be fully present (as in not standoffish or distance) if we do hangout. She also mentioned that she "kind of met someone" in europe. He lives in canada, and she "doesn't know whether she's going to see him or not and whether or not he's necessarily a threat". She asked "i mean what if you meet someone or i find some one...do you ever think of that? Because i worry about that". I'll be honest...on the inside, my stomach dropped through the floor with the mention of this new guy.. but i kept my cool and explained that she a a free women and she can meet and sleep with and date whoever she chooses, and i can as well. I explained that it's not something i worry about because it's not really healthy to worry about stuff you cant control. At one point i asked her "then why the fvck are you in my bed right now?"

So i accepted this, stayed cool, didn't cry or anything. I told her that i understood. she started to get worried that i wouldnt talk to her anymore, like i said. I explained that she probably wont see or hear much from me any more. I pointed towards the living room and said "there's a mattress out there i can crash on. You sleep here. I dont think it's appropriate for us to be cuddling and other things if we're not doing this anymore." She started to pull my shirt as i walked away and said "no. cmon. just sleep here with me one last time."

But i left the room. IT WAS FVCKING FREEZING in teh living room and i didnt have a good blanket. Sure enough, after about 5 minutes she comes out and tells me to come to bed "we dont have to have sex or anything, just please lay with me". I care for this girl a lot...and it's super cold, so i say "okay, but only because i'm freezing".

We lie in bed on opposite sides. She drifts off to sleep. I can't sleep, so i go for a walk, and eventually turn the heat on and crash out in the living room. I sleep on and off for a few hours, She comes out in the morning and the first thing i say is "do you want me to drive you back?' She replies "i thought i was going to have to walk...". I shrug and motion for her to come along, and i drive her back.

In the last moments before we part ways, we look at each other. I'm blank faced. I merely say "bye." with no expression. She asks "can i still talk to you?", I shrug noncommittally. She goes "nothing then, huh?" with a sad look. and I merely say "bye" again, with a neutral look. And she goes, and i drive off.

I realize the obvious choice is "no contact". Say what you will, but in this circumstance i believe it's straight up rude to ignore her given how much we've shared and that i was more or less a mutual thing. Let me be clear: i am not going to initiate contact in any way. However, she is a pretty soft girl...and i know her well enough that i'm sure she will text me after a bit. I believe that a polite, yet curt response is what she deserves. I plan to stop hanging out with her roommates in a similar manner. They hit me up to party a lot and really love me, so they'll probably be disappointed, but still.

I realize this is super long. I just needed an open forum to spill my guts and get this off my chest. I've been super depressed about it all day. But i feel like once i get a good meal into me and go workout, and start making plans for the week, i'll be able to put it behind me. You guys are more than welcome to give feedback, But if you do, i ask that you honestly read this whole overly-long wall of text before you echo "no contact" ad infinitum. Thanks guys, i love you all.

 

[GS750]

Yeah I realize that no contact is what most will say. I have a similar situation with a girl who I have a strong connection with...but it's just not possible for us to be together right now. I stick with limited contact, if she initiates (I do not) and keep it friendly and short. No point in burning a bridge by being rude and outright ignoring her. Sometimes strict no contact is in order, sometimes limited contact is a better option. That's my .02.

 

[gravityeyelids]

She just sent me this: "Hey I know you don't want to talk to me but I was wondering if I could come over later before I go home. We were drunk last night and I'm uneasy about our conversation and it would make me feel a lot better if we could talk again. Please?"

I Honestly have no idea what to do. She leaves tonight to go back home in the next state over and thankfully i wont have to see her again at least for a few months. I don't think it's unreasonable to meet up with her. But honestly i've been on the verge of crying all day and my mind is so clouded. I'm going to hit the gym and try to clear my head and get those good neurotransmitters or whatever flowing from a heavy workout and maybe i'll be able to think more clearly. I just don't know what good it would do to meet up with her. I guess she probably wants closure. Either that or she's rethinking and is open to continuing to see each other the way we've been. If i had to guess i'd say she's leaning towards the second one, but maybe i'm just rationalizing.

I FVCKING TOLD HER WE SHOULDNT HAVE THIS CONVERSATION DRUNK. SHE FVCKING TRAPPED ME BECAUSE IF I HAD BRUSHED IT OFF AND IGNORED THE CONVO IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A WEAPON SHE COULD USE AGAINST ME. Honestly a sober conversation would make me feel much better. Or maybe it wouldn't and i'm just telling myself that to see her again....

 

[rascal99v]

so we have sex for like a minute or two

:crackup:

A minute or two? That wasn't even worth the trouble dude. Did you blow your load in that minute or two? If not, it was a waste of time.

This is your own fault, I can't stress that enough. You saw with your own eyes that this chick was acting different than she did before showing less interest and affection towards you. What did you do? You became a total AFC questioning her about her feelings, trying to have sex with her, now you are arguing with her through text. Total AFC behavior on you part that is disgusting her by making her lose more feelings towards you.

You allowed yourself to be put in this position by being a beta. You gave up your power and allowed her to make the decision for you by giving her the power for good. Now she is the one who gets to decide your fate. Never allow a woman to do that, you should always decide your own fate and outcome with women.

How should you have handled this situation? Very easy. When you saw how she was acting, you should have known it was curtains for you. Anytime a girl behaves in this manner you should know what's about to transpire. When she isn't into you like before, that means she doesn't dig you anymore. You should have been the one to tell her that it isn't working and you don't feel the same. Show her that it's you that's not into her. She will either change her tune,or you go out not being disrespected being told a bunch of bvllsh1t
by her that you had to sit and listen to. You wouldn't be acting all AFC getting upset over a girl you should have known would have felt different after coming back

Again, you allowed yourself to be put in this situation where you hold no power begging her for your time through text hoping she will respond. That is what beta's do all the time when they give up their power to the woman.

Now she gets to decide whether she will text you back or not to give you her time. She should be the one sending you these texts begging you to see you before she leaves. You fvcked up dude, that's all I can say. How do you have so much rep and still behave this way?

I have talked about Long Distance Relationships here before. In fact, I wrote an excellent thread about how you should behave and treat your LDR's.

Always get the most out of your LDR's in the initial first few months of the relationship. LDR's almost never work out when the girl goes away to leave for any reason. All the college chicks I fvcked when they left their boyfriend's to come here for college is good enough evidence for that. I was having sex with them, they were still telling them how much they love them and miss them over the phone. When they went back home to visit for the holidays or the summer that's when they lowered the boom on the boyfriend's telling them the same stuff this chick is telling you.

When a chick goes away, she will start to realize that there are other men and better things in this world besides you. She will begin to lose feelings and attraction no matter what she is telling you over the phone or on skype. It isn't until you meet up again that her true feelings will come out and will be shown. You saw the change and questioned her, she told you how she felt. Then like guys do with no other options, they become AFC begging, pleading, fighting over her change of tune about you. Don't ever get in that situation.

Always treat LDR's as a Long Distance plate. Fvck the sh1t out them as much as you can in the first few months. Get as much use out of them as possible while making them come to you as much as you can. Always have other plates in the rotation so when she isn't around you are geting laid. When she starts acting shady or you can see she isn't into it you, that's when you drop her and look for a replacement. In the meantime, you have the other plates to get your sex from. When you drop her that fast, she will be the one coming back to you instead of you begging for her. A lot better than the situation you're in right? :yes:

 

[Krueg]

Sorry guy but, she dumped you. She met someone else in Europe and doesnt want to be with you any more. Sure, she will give the lets just be friends speech. So you can become a willing victim to help her get over dumping you. You have to go No Contact, its her loss. This will give you time to heal. I dont think this relationship would of worked out anyway with her traveling all the time. Plenty of fish in the sea my friend, the next one will be crazy about you!

 

[El Payaso]

gravity, listen very carefully. DO NOT MEETUP WITH HER. Trust me. She has met someone else and distance is another major factor. The way you ended things with her was good. Right now, she is merely in "transfer" mode. Branch swinging as they call it.

However, she wants to make it a smooth and gradual transfer. She's not yet too sure about that other guy so she still wants to keep you in the back pocket just in case it doesn't quite work out. Like you said, she wants closure.

There's no doubt that she might be a good girl at heart but it's just the way it is.

Basically, if she is still going to be living close to you then go over and fvck the **** out of her. If she's moving far away and has met someone else, cut things off.

 

[jurry]

^this

And based on the way you feel about her, i dont think you should be banging her either, as you are more emotionally invested and it will do more harm than good.

 

[gravityeyelids]

I ignored her for a bit and went to the gym. while i was at the gym, she kept calling and said she was leaving town. I met her outside the gym because she said she was outside and we had a talk in her car. I owed her this much respect after such a long and almost entirely positive romantic relationship, as well as each of us being incredibly good friends.

Basically it came down to we both agreed that it wasn't wise that we had this convo drunk and needed to re-evaluate together. She kept telling me she didnt know what to do because she couldnt bring herself to leave me and accept that i wouldnt contact her again. That she would miss me and still wants me in her life and that we have fun together. I told her she needed to make a decision whether we would part ways for good or not. I told her again that if she wanted to move on from me that there's no turning back and that i'm likely not going to be contacting her much at all. I could tell she was scared at this prospect. Admittedly, i was too, but i didn't let it show. And i told her that she can't hit me up several months down the road and make amends. That i need to move on with my life just as much as she did. Once i'm gone, i'm gone for good.

Bottom line, we agreed to continue seeing each other as we have been. We agreed that it's too painful to end it now (even though i made it clear that if she didnt want to do this anymore than i would walk away, no questions asked). We said we'd rather have something force us to, such as my moving to LA in a year, or either one of us getting into a LTR. We also agreed that if either one of us, in a few months, decided to not see each other, then we would both have to respect that decision. And maybe i didn't make it clear but she's not "moving away". She's going home after visiting me at college for the weekend. She still is very likely going to come visit either my college town during the school year, or my hometown during the breaks/summer (or vise-versa), both of which are a few hours away from her.

I'm sorry but giving advice in theory and in practice is very different. I appreciate the advice, but this is a complicated situation and even my long-a$$ 2 page post can't fully communicate all the intricacies of the situation in a way that outside parties would understand. I realize the counter-argument is "well we have a non-biased perspective!". But that's not entirely true.

Either way, i would like to have her in my life rather than not, yet I made it very, very clear to her that i was willing to walk away without hesitation. Hate on me if you wish. Worst case, we hang out a few more times and bang and have fun, and we part ways after that, just as if we had done today.

 

[gravityeyelids]

:crackup:

A minute or two? That wasn't even worth the trouble dude. Did you blow your load in that minute or two? If not, it was a waste of time.

This is your own fault, I can't stress that enough. You saw with your own eyes that this chick was acting different than she did before showing less interest and affection towards you. What did you do? You became a total AFC questioning her about her feelings, trying to have sex with her, now you are arguing with her through text. Total AFC behavior on you part that is disgusting her by making her lose more feelings towards you.

If you had read the post properly you'd have noticed that i said we fooled around, then started to have sex, but stopped because we were both too drunk and tired. It was probably like 3am at that point. Neither of us were into it at the moment and I wanted to save my load for like an hour later when i could properly fvck her....which i did, at like 4am...

 

[rascal99v]

If you had read the post properly you'd have noticed that i said we fooled around, then started to have sex, but stopped because we were both too drunk and tired. It was probably like 3am at that point. Neither of us were into it at the moment and I wanted to save my load for like an hour later when i could properly fvck her....which i did, at like 4am...

Who gives a sh1t, don't be so technical, she isn't feeling the same about you as before. You are holding on as an AFC afraid to let go of her because it's too "painful". What's going to happen to you when she decides to cut you off? It will be more painful for you when this relationship unravels even more. See it for what it is, you had your fun with her, end it before she break your heart dude. Then you will really be sorry. :yes:

Tomorrow she could change her mind about everything and decide to end it. Even if you do get another bang, things are going to be different with her. It isn't going to feel the same with her, especially if her attitude and the sex isn't so hot.

Dragging it out isn't going to make it any better for either of you. You don't want to be a guy she is feeling sorry for just to keep you around for a short while. Because she will get rid of you when she has reached her point.

It's not even about banging a bunch of new girls, it's about you being a man keeping your respect and dignity intact. A girl showing signs of losing attraction is your cue to end it, especially when she made her feelings known.

It sucks after you invested all that time, but you have to realize that a lot of these relationships don't last forever. Also, there are more better girls out there to be had. That's why investing too heavily into LDR's will get you in a situation like this when she loses attraction after she's been away. Always have other girls lined up already. Sh1t, even a girl that lives close by can start losing it if some other dude enters the picture.

Don't let her drag you down dude, go out a winner. 5 years from now you won't even think about her, no need to drag it on now, let it go, you will be ok.

 

[gravityeyelids]

Who gives a sh1t, don't be so technical, she isn't feeling the same about you as before. You are holding on as an AFC afraid to let go of her because it's too "painful". What's going to happen to you when she decides to cut you off? It will be more painful for you when this relationship unravels even more. See it for what it is, you had your fun with her, end it before she break your heart dude. Then you will really be sorry. :yes:

you're right about this post. I probably should have just broken contact with her. It honestly shocked me how horrifically anxious and upset it made me to think about us not seeing each other romantically. And the most pathetic part is probably that she's not even my GF any more. I have been super hungover all weekend, so idk if it's that that made me so nauseous and queasy and stressed. I didn't think it would affect me as much as it did. I thought i was more of a harda$$ than that. Now i'm thinking that i need to reach out to her and break it off with her first before she does it to me and hurts me worse. This situation honestly cant end well even though i saved myself heartache in the short term. In the long term, we are destined to go about our lives on different paths. There's lots of girls out there. It just sucks because she was my only real LTR and the first girl that made me not feel alone in this lonely world.

I need to stop being such a b!tch and go out and bang 10 girls. Immediately.

 

[Genos]

...the first girl that made me not feel alone in this lonely world...

^This right here's the problem.

You need to build your internal state of happiness and contentment on a rock solid foundation within yourself. Your confidence, joy, and sense of fulfillment in the world should be anchored only to yourself and your accomplishments.

No other material things, or men - and definitely not women - will be able to fill that void in your heart for you. You must realize that you, yourself, are enough (RSD Tyler ftw). Strive for some level of self-actualization.

When you fully realize your internal state of happiness and confidence, women will be drawn to you; that level of self-assuredness and lack of insecurity is like crack cocaine to women

 

[_sideways_]

We have all been there. ...so you got to navigate and take really good care of your first boat. You bonded with the ocean and found a new confidence in yourself and abilities. But your boat hit a reef and its sinking.

You dont stick around until the last minute to abandon ship. Get yourself free and safe.

Then you can get another boat to continue your journey.

Shes not the only one with the capacity to love and nurture.

This isnt the last chapter of your book.

 

[Alvafe]

you should now not meet with her again, you need to at least have 6 months without contacting her, get yourself busy, being friends or not it not healthy for you, and you know, dude just look how much you did write, read it all, forget it was you, what you would say to you?

best you can do is move on, back tehn you should have asked for her not go, but since you let her, things changed, you changed, her definetely changed, you right now is just a safe port of confort for her, dude just go out and find someone better, and don't let your happyness depend on others,

 

[gravityeyelids]

Yea. I'm just trying to hang on to something beautiful when in reality i need to just let it die. It's going to end either way. I just went into panic mode because i've never felt a sense of loss like that before. I've never really lost a close loved one due to death or whatever, so I have nothing to compare it to.

Here's what needs to happen. I need to focus on the following things, in the following order of importance:
1) School/Career- I need to continue to build my skillset and resume, finish college strong, and start building a career that will sustain me both financially and personally.
2) Health and Body - continue to work out and strengthen my body. Set goals and shatter them. Eat clean, drink less alcohol, and maintain my appearance, work on my sense of style, build my wardrobe.
3) Social - while this does include "game" and "girls", i need to focus more on building friendships and social circles, and then the girls will follow. Focus on having a good time and meeting interesting people without relying on girls for validation. Game is important as well: i need to go out and meet other girls and start spinning plates again and realize that i am a guy with options and have no business being hung up on a girl that is essentially an EX-gf that lives in another state.

Part of the reason for this freak-out is because i moved up to school this weekend, excited to see this girl, and i had absolutely no plates aside from her. I felt lonely and like it was too hard to find new girls. But now that I think about it... i had this cutie i was talking to over the summer that goes to school here that seemed super eager to meet up. That alone takes a lot of the stress i'm having off this Sarah girl. Just thinking about the few possible plates i was talking to up here fills me with relief and hope that i'll meet other girls.

As for this situation... i'm going to give it a few days to evaluate it. Clear my head, get distracted by other things. I've talked about the situation with a few friends and the only real conclusion i've drawn is to break it off with this girl (before she does it to me). I was playing with the idea of staying in contact with her as a courtesy, but i've arrived at the conclusion (with the help of the No Contact thread on SS), that it's less painful to fully eliminate her from my life, at least for a few months.

Then, maybe once i purge myself of desire for her, I can re-establish communication on a friendly basis. Part of me is just so horribly scarred from being in the friend zone with girls when i was back in high school, etc., that i completely shy away from the idea of being friends with girls after dating them. I think to myself that if i ever saw her in person again, it would be impossible for me to view her as just a friend and not get jealous that i couldnt have her sexually again. Maybe the solution is to not see her in person...at least not for a very, very long time...

 

[hudpes]

I would seriously advise you to break up with her and clear your head. The mentality that it would be a "pity to break up now" is really a ball and chain that won't let either of you progress. If you can't be together physically when you really want to, it's just agony and a waste of time.

 

[The_411]

Understand that your age is a blessing. Early 20s is tough for guys, but can also be great if you realize that the most important thing is self development and as long as you are working on you you can do a lot of other things.

Women shouldn't be a permanent fixture until you reach your late 20s. Or at least you shouldn't be getting serious until then because woman can screw up your self development with their neediness.