Need some guidance, I feel like I screwed up...

[Genos]

I separated from my ex about 2 months back, but a couple weeks ago, I may have done something pretty stupid, haha...I posted about this in the NC thread, but I wanted to ask for some advice here as well, as I'm still struggling to get over it...

So a while back (after the breakup), I gave into temptation and viewed her linkedin profile (I know, I know, pretty dumb...). I did this a few more times since then (terrible idea, all it did was bring back memories of old conversations we used to have). A couple weeks ago I tried to see her profile, but I couldn't view it, nor even see her name come up in the search bar. I think she may have blocked me on linkedin >_>

So one thing I only found out afterwards was that LinkedIn tells you when someone has viewed your profile. Even though I had my profile browsing settings as semi-anonymous, the default setting (it would've showed up as "Someone on Linkedin viewed your profile", as I hadn't filled out much on my profile), I think she may have guessed that it was me and blocked me >_> (at least, that's the only conclusion I can think of. I am able to see her profile on an unrelated friend's account, so I can't think of another explanation at the moment).

I honestly don't think I viewed her profile too many times, but I can't be certain, as it was a over a period of several weeks...I'm really not sure. And that's one part of the doubt that's in my mind.

The problem that I'm dealing with is that I feel like such a creep/stalker...I'm worried that I negatively affected her (by viewing her profile) to the extent that she felt she had to block me; I'm afraid that I'm seen as one of those creepy dudes who follow women around and do weird stuff, etc. I never wanted to be that, but that may be what it's come across as...I do think it was a bit of a overreaction to block me like that (as she doesn't even know for sure it's me), but wow I fked up...If my guess is correct that she blocked me, she probably really thinks I'm a helluva creep now ;__;.

I feel like I've lost my moral high ground by exiting the relationship with some dignity, and not begging and pleading for her back, and making things hard for her (and keeping up 1.5 months of NC)...but now the notion that I've possibly bothered or upset her makes me feel like I didn't preserve my dignity at all

I don't want to try to get her back or anything like that, but this particular incident has been preventing me from moving on and pursuing the other things in my life (college, job, other girls, etc.) with the passion I used to have. I'm finding it difficult to approach other women, because I may have done something that may have been percieved as stalker-ish and harassing to my ex (though it was not my intention whatsoever)...

Crap, I feel terrible guys...I haven't contacted her, nor do I plan to, but it sucks to imagine what she thinks of me now...how do I get over this...any advice?

 

[jimmy18]

You will never be happy or successful as long as you care what people think about you.

Would a random hot girl on the street know that you have done this?

Act accordingly

 

[johnywhite17]

Bro, everyone looks at their exes social media pages. I don't dabble too much in that but I've seen this same thing from plenty of friends. Hell even my old gf at one point still checked her exes account. You're making this into a big deal because you're not properly dealing with the pain of the breakup. This is an excuse to feel all these feelings but not break your new DJ guidelines. Listen, it wasn't stalkerish, it wasn't even that uncommon, relax. More importantly, stop trying to act like you don't miss her/care about her, deal with those things without contacting her and you will be ok. You're catastrophizing.

 

[mangotot]

At least you know in your heart, you are no male bunny boiler. Let that be a source of comfort.

 

[Genos]

Thanks for the help y'all, I appreciate the support.

One thing I'm still struggling with though, is just that: how to stop worrying about what people think of me. More generally, in my journey to become better with women, approaching, chatting with girls, etc., sometimes I make mistakes or say something dumb. I leave these girls with a bad impression of myself, and even though I know mistakes are necessary in the process of self-improvement, it still bothers me to think that there are people out there who have a negative impression of me.

Any tips on letting go (of the situation with my ex, and with other women in general)?

 

[amethyst]

The reason why you care about what people are thinking about you is because you are focused on something that is fleeting, you need to build your foundation first. Since you don’t seem to have a solid foundation yet (knowing exactly who you are), you are giving way to much importance to what others think because you are trying to find yourself in their eyes.

I know a lot of people will disagree with me on this, but concentrate on college, your job, and the etc., and forget about what other people think. You need to detox, try to spend the next six months focused on you rather than everyone else, this is one of the best ways to let go and really get to know who you are and what you relly want.

Love,

Amethyst

 

[asa_don]

so, you got curious and checked her profile a few times, big deal, no need to get upset and worry over stupid sh!t about a profile or an ex, who knows why you can't see her profile, that shouldn't concern you what she thinks.

you fvcked up and made a mistake, we all do, now you know not to do that again, so don't do it again.

it's best not to look at any profiles of an ex, then you won't have this problem, she is out of your life, so dont check up on her, that will make you feel worse when you see something you don't like, or when something happens with your case.

Any tips on letting go (of the situation with my ex, and with other women in general)?

get a hobby and hang out with friends, become more social meeting various people at different venues, you will make friends and meet women, you will become busy having a social life not thinking about women from the past.

 

[rugby11]

Hey man have you tried running or doing something that involves physical activity? Try creating a new version of yourself to live up to. Like a goal to meet at a gym (Something physical to unload your mind) For me that's rugby all heartache goes into intense motion almost like having sex yet the energy is channeled.
Konduit learn to channel it helps me with so much.

 

[hudpes]

it sucks to imagine what she thinks of me now

Why do you want her to think highly of you? It doesn't matter what she thinks of you, what matters is what you think of yourself and she's got nothing to do with it.

 

[Cerwin Vega]

For the past 6 months I visited my ex's facebook twice.

Those two times were enough to take me almost back to square one.

 

[Thundernuts]

Look man I've done it Im sure there are alot of other people who have checked out their exes profiles as well. If you want to see her on Facebook crying saying how much she misses you then you're wasting your time because it isn't gonna happen.

And no it is not wrong to leave a relationship with some dignity. You need to stop worrying about women in general right now and listen to Amethyst and focus on just yourself. You need to get your **** straightened out, figure out who you are, and begin to love yourself before anyone else is really gonna like you.

 

[Genos]

Damn, thanks a ton for the help guys...I'll take your advice to heart. I'm focusing more on self-improvement, work, and school. It's been taking my mind off things.

My last question is, should I truly not have been looking at my ex's profile at all? I feel it wouldn't have been so bad, if I had known beforehand about LinkedIn and how it gives you information on who's seen your profile (and i could've made myself totally anonymous).

I guess what I'm worried about is this experience totally shutting me off from looking up girls I know on social media. A problem I definitely have in my psychology is that I often take an occurrence or mistake and inflate it to the extreme (sometimes rightfully so, sometimes unnecessarily; but often I don't know which is appropriate), get self-conscious, and a little jaded in order to avoid making the mistake again. I don't want to set a precedent of never looking an ex up online, as it seems too far to me (or maybe it isn't - I might just be hamstering, I don't know <_<)...I feel like this could've been avoided had I been just more knowledgeable about viewing settings, lol

But maybe the (true) solution was to have the willpower to not do it at all? Preventing getting caught is one thing, but should I not have been checking her social media period? I feel like it's somewhat normal to do so though...It's definitely ideal to stay away from it completely, but it's so hard...maybe I'm still too weak.

Again thanks for the help so far, I'm getting over her more and more by the day...getting a little stronger as a person in the process.

 

[Thundernuts]

No man its not healthy and its not something you should be doing. I don't care if you can get away with it or not if you constantly looking up women you have or want to date you are never gonna get anywhere. I mean **** reread what your saying.

You seem totally hung up on that she caught you doing this and not the fact that instead of moving on you were viewing her profile so much that she blocked you.

Stop doing it and start talking to people in real life.

 

[amethyst]

Konduit, just let go. We have all done things like this in the past, and we have all had this happen to us at one point in our lives. All you can do is learn from it, accept it, and let it go. Your ex is probably not thinking “man what a creep that guy was” she is probably getting on with her life, as should you.

It is not about whether or not you look at her profile, it is about what it is actually doing to your mind. NC is about getting to the right place where you could actually look at her profile and not be affected by it. It is about gaining indifference so that you stop caring about what or who she is doing or thinking about.

The only way you will gain this indifference is if you live a full life, and this is due to the fact that trivial matters such as these will become irrelevant. If you go in with your current mindset you will care what others think, you will sabotage your future plates and relationships to validate what you think is the real you.

So just forgive yourself and move on before you get yourself into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Love,

Amethyst

 

[Thorninmyside]

This video changed my life a year ago. Make notes: http://youtu.be/IGtoJlVptow

"How to stop caring what other people think"

 

[Genos]

Y'all have helped immensely, thanks a ton...I'll focus on improving myself for a while; now that I know what I should try to aspire to, I can get better.. I appreciate the support and encouragement guys..

 

[Genos]

One more thing y'all...if I happen to run into her again (unlikely, as she's out of the country for a while), what should I do? How should I react?

Again, me worrying about it is probably indicative of not having moved on from this yet, but at least having an idea of how I should react to seeing her will give me some piece of mind...maybe I should just deal with it if the time comes?

 

[Darth]

I separated from my ex about 2 months back, but a couple weeks ago, I may have done something pretty stupid, haha...I posted about this in the NC thread, but I wanted to ask for some advice here as well, as I'm still struggling to get over it...

So a while back (after the breakup), I gave into temptation and viewed her linkedin profile (I know, I know, pretty dumb...). I did this a few more times since then (terrible idea, all it did was bring back memories of old conversations we used to have). A couple weeks ago I tried to see her profile, but I couldn't view it, nor even see her name come up in the search bar. I think she may have blocked me on linkedin >_>

So one thing I only found out afterwards was that LinkedIn tells you when someone has viewed your profile. Even though I had my profile browsing settings as semi-anonymous, the default setting (it would've showed up as "Someone on Linkedin viewed your profile", as I hadn't filled out much on my profile), I think she may have guessed that it was me and blocked me >_> (at least, that's the only conclusion I can think of. I am able to see her profile on an unrelated friend's account, so I can't think of another explanation at the moment).

I honestly don't think I viewed her profile too many times, but I can't be certain, as it was a over a period of several weeks...I'm really not sure. And that's one part of the doubt that's in my mind.

The problem that I'm dealing with is that I feel like such a creep/stalker...I'm worried that I negatively affected her (by viewing her profile) to the extent that she felt she had to block me; I'm afraid that I'm seen as one of those creepy dudes who follow women around and do weird stuff, etc. I never wanted to be that, but that may be what it's come across as...I do think it was a bit of a overreaction to block me like that (as she doesn't even know for sure it's me), but wow I fked up...If my guess is correct that she blocked me, she probably really thinks I'm a helluva creep now ;__;.

I feel like I've lost my moral high ground by exiting the relationship with some dignity, and not begging and pleading for her back, and making things hard for her (and keeping up 1.5 months of NC)...but now the notion that I've possibly bothered or upset her makes me feel like I didn't preserve my dignity at all

I don't want to try to get her back or anything like that, but this particular incident has been preventing me from moving on and pursuing the other things in my life (college, job, other girls, etc.) with the passion I used to have. I'm finding it difficult to approach other women, because I may have done something that may have been percieved as stalker-ish and harassing to my ex (though it was not my intention whatsoever)...

Crap, I feel terrible guys...I haven't contacted her, nor do I plan to, but it sucks to imagine what she thinks of me now...how do I get over this...any advice?

Man up.

 

[Genos]

Hey guys, sorry to pull this thread back from the dead; I've been feeling a lot better lately. I even went literally a whole day without thinking about her, which amazing (I was working all day at a campus event). @Amethyst, keeping busy has done wonders...

However, one thing that's still on my mind is what do I say if i were to run into her again? Should I just be cool? Any advice on bumping into ex's?

Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about this possibility at all? >_> Still gotta reach that stage of indifference, I guess...