I need a little feedback or advice at this point.
Apart from the fact that my life has been falling apart completely in recent months....
I guess it's been falling together instead, but I've become rather disgruntled with myself and the way things have been going.
Part of that is the realisation that jealousy has been ruining a lot for me with women across my life.
And I guess this is nothing new for any of you, but...
Typical example right. You kiss a girl, other girl comes up and says "Are you really that desperate?" You get the hint, if you continue this your reputation will get ruined because the gossip will get even worse (which obviously it did). I never speak to the girl again (mostly she doesn't speak to me). I'm not even sure if we've ever had eye contact again, regardless of the fact that I must have seen her there like 10 more times easily. Other people are so jealous that they will try to ruin these things for you. I guess....
...that it is simply the slut fear phenomenon we are talking of here. Even if a girl is not afraid of being a slut before she sleeps with you, it doesn't take long for that to happen after she's slept with you....
But guys do it as well. Back in the day, I was like 18. Friend and I went to a club in Amsterdam together now and then. I guess he needed a wingman. Complete natural. Guy fvcks I guess 2 new girls per week on average, in his good weeks he does 4. Perhaps it is because he doesn't give a fvck, because in our home town, no girl would ever want to be seen with him. Outside, he screws basically everything. Doesn't care about looks either, if it has a pvssy, he fvcks it. Doesn't make him happy, still does it.
Now I'm a complete virgin I think at that point. I might have kissed one or two girls by then, not sure. I just sit there on my own around other people (girls) and when the shop closes a cute girl comes up to me, raises my chin, and kisses me on the lips. Says goodbye, walks away.
What does the friend do? He goes "What do you want with her? She's a problem case. This and that. Don't go with her." MEANING he has fvcked her 20 times already, and now he is fvcking jealous of ME who is an utter and complete no one with girls. Happens again one time in university. Girl is into me, ex comes up to me and says he doesn't want me to go with her in a threatening way.
But right now I want to ask about something else. I personally think I'm pretty keen on social phenomena these days.
So. I have this neighbour girl in the same complex, I think slighly younger than me (I'm 33). Gorgeous, new arrival. Back in August I had a little exciting chat with her. She basically gives me her "number" in the way of explicitly telling me the number of her apartment. Basically expects me to come by and pick things up from there.
THAT IS MY PERCEPTION.
But my life becomes such a hell that I am not capable of doing anything constructive anymore in that sense and I'm basically grieving over that. But she as well. Every time she and I cross ways, she turns her head away in grief.
So today I work up the guts to ring at her door. But she has this loser of a boyfriend who hovers around her constantly. I bet that wasn't so back then, not sure. This guy looked like he won the grand prize back around August/September. I think it was a newly met, but not entirely sure. It is basically impossible to get her on her own. Also, the facility does not have internal mailboxes, so I also cannot leave her a note of any kind. I'd have to use the external mailboxes, which is pointless because I'd be acting a complete stranger then.
So I ring her door and obviously the boyfriend comes up. I ask if I can see "Mrs XXX" for a minute. This is a play on how we met, because I always exagerate "madam" or "misses" (in Dutch) when I'm sexually interested, which breaks the politeness barrier (it is always, or used to be for me, so difficult to know how to approach in that way, what word do you use? So I just use the most extreme word and exaggerate and then it breaks the ice completely). So I use "mevrouw" which is normally too-much since we are young people, in that sense. She was all full smiles back then.
So I ask to see her. He insists twice that it is enough that he relays any message I have. But I insist to at least see her personally. So she comes up.
Now here is my question, because these days I have lost like all confidence in myself. I see everything and then doubt everything I see.
She pretends to not know me. She tells me she doesn't remember at all. And I start to even doubt, am I at the right door? And I tell her how we met, and she doesn't remember. Meanwhile this boyfriend is eyeing me extremely suspiciously (obviously) haha cause he's dead afraid of me in fact. Who is this guy, what apartment does he live, what does he want from her (well, that is not a question in his mind) hahahahahhaha.
I was actually intending to go by last night, but I didn't have the balls, or I felt too weak, or both. I was under the impression that she might be home alone, and night time is a better time for intimacy, even of this kind. I was even willing to ring the door at fvcking 5 am if I needed to. But I bailed I guess, my mental health is failing me also.
And I knew that after 12 (pm) she would probably not be home alone anymore, but perhaps that guy was around all this time anyway, I guess so, not sure. My feeling says no. My feeling says: before noon, good time. After noon, safe time. In the sense that even if he had been around, he would have not come to the door himself, or he would have let me speak, or whatever.
Daytime: alertness, no relaxation. Too easy to perceive me in full, to appraise me, etcetera.
To MY perception, she is unhappy in this 'relationship'. Anyway. She seriously pretends or actually doesn't remember me AT ALL even though she must have consciously seen me a number of times, as I did her.
And I see the grief on her face every time she walks by, because she has gone into "I give up hope" mode. To my PERCEPTION and experience, girls go into "I have no feelings for him" mode if you fail to act in time within the window of opportunity you have at that time. At that point their depression takes over and they convince themselves that they either only see you as a friend, or that they are not into you at all (usually in that order, if you push it). These girls will suddenly start acting really off, for example in public around you, or in public on e.g. Instagram, or even in private. Happens ALL THE TIME to me these days, since my ...fall into despair.
For example, girl on Instagram suddenly rejects any comment I make and starts flirting with her fvcking brother.
Or, woman in restaurant pretends not to know me all that well and suddenly calls me "sir" when we were rather friendly and reasonably intimate before. But if you push it (not so hard in real life) she gets your message and next time she'll be more responsive again.
I think, I hope lol.
My life these days.... weirdest things. I don't know if you remember or have seen the full series of the Back to the Future movies. I think in the second movie, they end up in contemporary time but it has turned into a hellhole because the evil guy Biff ends up being extremely rich and the whole town turns into biker mayhem with gangs roaming the streets.
So I end up at that restaurant/takeaway place again, like 4 months after I last was there. I seriously couldn't get the food in anymore because I was rather in love with the woman. So I stayed away for a while. When I left, that last time, she said "But you will come back, right?" or "But I'll see you again, right?" something of that kind. And they have abandoned the restaurant part. They are Chinese. It was a lovely place. Now it is cold, dirty, smells like cigarettes, no guest apparently ever eats there anymore, they eat there themselves, the place feels like a horror to me now. I told her, what the hell has happened here? I said everything. I said, you look like a hooker now. I said it three times, she pretended not to understand.
But my simple question is: all of this is pretense on the side of women right?
Did that neighbour girl seriously not remember me?
Is she seriously unaware of her turning away her head when I walk past?
Are women this unaware?
PUAs always say that women are much more situation aware or social-context aware than men, normally.
I believe girls constantly consult with each other over the boys they want to sleep with, and if anything is not up to standards, the jealousy will kick in and the friend will dissuade the girl I'm into from keeping her promises to me.
One moment this girl yells "If you want to fvck me, just say so!!" and two hours later she is suddenly not interested in coming anymore. Whatsapp anyone? I'm pretty sure this girl has been talking to a girlfriend and the girlfriend told her not to do it, so now she doesn't do it. (That's the experience that started my downfall into madness....).
I also know that grief is the response to jealousy, and you can also deny yourself things out of jealousy. Jealousy is like a chain, or a net, a web, that covers this entire planet 4 miles up. The way to deal with this sort of thing is to express grief. This could simply be "I really don't like the fact that now suddenly this and that." "You promised me these things, but it appears someone else has been changing your mind, or you changed your mind yourself, I don't know. But I feel you should not deny yourself this, if this is actually what you want to do.....".
(continued...)
Apart from the fact that my life has been falling apart completely in recent months....
I guess it's been falling together instead, but I've become rather disgruntled with myself and the way things have been going.
Part of that is the realisation that jealousy has been ruining a lot for me with women across my life.
And I guess this is nothing new for any of you, but...
Typical example right. You kiss a girl, other girl comes up and says "Are you really that desperate?" You get the hint, if you continue this your reputation will get ruined because the gossip will get even worse (which obviously it did). I never speak to the girl again (mostly she doesn't speak to me). I'm not even sure if we've ever had eye contact again, regardless of the fact that I must have seen her there like 10 more times easily. Other people are so jealous that they will try to ruin these things for you. I guess....
...that it is simply the slut fear phenomenon we are talking of here. Even if a girl is not afraid of being a slut before she sleeps with you, it doesn't take long for that to happen after she's slept with you....
But guys do it as well. Back in the day, I was like 18. Friend and I went to a club in Amsterdam together now and then. I guess he needed a wingman. Complete natural. Guy fvcks I guess 2 new girls per week on average, in his good weeks he does 4. Perhaps it is because he doesn't give a fvck, because in our home town, no girl would ever want to be seen with him. Outside, he screws basically everything. Doesn't care about looks either, if it has a pvssy, he fvcks it. Doesn't make him happy, still does it.
Now I'm a complete virgin I think at that point. I might have kissed one or two girls by then, not sure. I just sit there on my own around other people (girls) and when the shop closes a cute girl comes up to me, raises my chin, and kisses me on the lips. Says goodbye, walks away.
What does the friend do? He goes "What do you want with her? She's a problem case. This and that. Don't go with her." MEANING he has fvcked her 20 times already, and now he is fvcking jealous of ME who is an utter and complete no one with girls. Happens again one time in university. Girl is into me, ex comes up to me and says he doesn't want me to go with her in a threatening way.
But right now I want to ask about something else. I personally think I'm pretty keen on social phenomena these days.
So. I have this neighbour girl in the same complex, I think slighly younger than me (I'm 33). Gorgeous, new arrival. Back in August I had a little exciting chat with her. She basically gives me her "number" in the way of explicitly telling me the number of her apartment. Basically expects me to come by and pick things up from there.
THAT IS MY PERCEPTION.
But my life becomes such a hell that I am not capable of doing anything constructive anymore in that sense and I'm basically grieving over that. But she as well. Every time she and I cross ways, she turns her head away in grief.
So today I work up the guts to ring at her door. But she has this loser of a boyfriend who hovers around her constantly. I bet that wasn't so back then, not sure. This guy looked like he won the grand prize back around August/September. I think it was a newly met, but not entirely sure. It is basically impossible to get her on her own. Also, the facility does not have internal mailboxes, so I also cannot leave her a note of any kind. I'd have to use the external mailboxes, which is pointless because I'd be acting a complete stranger then.
So I ring her door and obviously the boyfriend comes up. I ask if I can see "Mrs XXX" for a minute. This is a play on how we met, because I always exagerate "madam" or "misses" (in Dutch) when I'm sexually interested, which breaks the politeness barrier (it is always, or used to be for me, so difficult to know how to approach in that way, what word do you use? So I just use the most extreme word and exaggerate and then it breaks the ice completely). So I use "mevrouw" which is normally too-much since we are young people, in that sense. She was all full smiles back then.
So I ask to see her. He insists twice that it is enough that he relays any message I have. But I insist to at least see her personally. So she comes up.
Now here is my question, because these days I have lost like all confidence in myself. I see everything and then doubt everything I see.
She pretends to not know me. She tells me she doesn't remember at all. And I start to even doubt, am I at the right door? And I tell her how we met, and she doesn't remember. Meanwhile this boyfriend is eyeing me extremely suspiciously (obviously) haha cause he's dead afraid of me in fact. Who is this guy, what apartment does he live, what does he want from her (well, that is not a question in his mind) hahahahahhaha.
I was actually intending to go by last night, but I didn't have the balls, or I felt too weak, or both. I was under the impression that she might be home alone, and night time is a better time for intimacy, even of this kind. I was even willing to ring the door at fvcking 5 am if I needed to. But I bailed I guess, my mental health is failing me also.
And I knew that after 12 (pm) she would probably not be home alone anymore, but perhaps that guy was around all this time anyway, I guess so, not sure. My feeling says no. My feeling says: before noon, good time. After noon, safe time. In the sense that even if he had been around, he would have not come to the door himself, or he would have let me speak, or whatever.
Daytime: alertness, no relaxation. Too easy to perceive me in full, to appraise me, etcetera.
To MY perception, she is unhappy in this 'relationship'. Anyway. She seriously pretends or actually doesn't remember me AT ALL even though she must have consciously seen me a number of times, as I did her.
And I see the grief on her face every time she walks by, because she has gone into "I give up hope" mode. To my PERCEPTION and experience, girls go into "I have no feelings for him" mode if you fail to act in time within the window of opportunity you have at that time. At that point their depression takes over and they convince themselves that they either only see you as a friend, or that they are not into you at all (usually in that order, if you push it). These girls will suddenly start acting really off, for example in public around you, or in public on e.g. Instagram, or even in private. Happens ALL THE TIME to me these days, since my ...fall into despair.
For example, girl on Instagram suddenly rejects any comment I make and starts flirting with her fvcking brother.
Or, woman in restaurant pretends not to know me all that well and suddenly calls me "sir" when we were rather friendly and reasonably intimate before. But if you push it (not so hard in real life) she gets your message and next time she'll be more responsive again.
I think, I hope lol.
My life these days.... weirdest things. I don't know if you remember or have seen the full series of the Back to the Future movies. I think in the second movie, they end up in contemporary time but it has turned into a hellhole because the evil guy Biff ends up being extremely rich and the whole town turns into biker mayhem with gangs roaming the streets.
So I end up at that restaurant/takeaway place again, like 4 months after I last was there. I seriously couldn't get the food in anymore because I was rather in love with the woman. So I stayed away for a while. When I left, that last time, she said "But you will come back, right?" or "But I'll see you again, right?" something of that kind. And they have abandoned the restaurant part. They are Chinese. It was a lovely place. Now it is cold, dirty, smells like cigarettes, no guest apparently ever eats there anymore, they eat there themselves, the place feels like a horror to me now. I told her, what the hell has happened here? I said everything. I said, you look like a hooker now. I said it three times, she pretended not to understand.
But my simple question is: all of this is pretense on the side of women right?
Did that neighbour girl seriously not remember me?
Is she seriously unaware of her turning away her head when I walk past?
Are women this unaware?
PUAs always say that women are much more situation aware or social-context aware than men, normally.
I believe girls constantly consult with each other over the boys they want to sleep with, and if anything is not up to standards, the jealousy will kick in and the friend will dissuade the girl I'm into from keeping her promises to me.
One moment this girl yells "If you want to fvck me, just say so!!" and two hours later she is suddenly not interested in coming anymore. Whatsapp anyone? I'm pretty sure this girl has been talking to a girlfriend and the girlfriend told her not to do it, so now she doesn't do it. (That's the experience that started my downfall into madness....).
I also know that grief is the response to jealousy, and you can also deny yourself things out of jealousy. Jealousy is like a chain, or a net, a web, that covers this entire planet 4 miles up. The way to deal with this sort of thing is to express grief. This could simply be "I really don't like the fact that now suddenly this and that." "You promised me these things, but it appears someone else has been changing your mind, or you changed your mind yourself, I don't know. But I feel you should not deny yourself this, if this is actually what you want to do.....".
(continued...)
. The sheer madness of this all is consuming me. So yes I kept talking to her, even though she was disallowed by all those people to speak back.