Need some advice on how to man up!

[Jariel]

I don't know how this has happened to me. 2 years ago I was banging a new woman every week, I was confident, bold, my game was on form and I was living well.

Then I entered into a relationship and found her drawing out my deep emotions, compassion and a soft and sensitive side. This was emphasized even more by the fact that she has kids, who I bonded with like they were my own. I found my boldness begin to fade, stopped being so spontaneous and even seemed to lose my ability to feel anger.

I've been into bodybuilding for about 8 years now and I continue to lift and work out as I did before, but mentally I've become pathetic.

This is really shameful to admit, but it might help you understand why I'm writing this thread. A few months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up and I bawled constantly. I finished work, got in my car and I cried all the way home. I phoned my family and cried on the phone to them and felt totally heartbroken.

We did get back together soon after, but have broken up again this past weekend and I found out she's been stringing me along while keeping her options open - http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=207895

Once again, I'm a broken man. I feel so overcome with emotional pain that it's taking control over my rational mind. I mean, I know I'm best out of the relationship and there are so many reasons a sane person wouldn't get involved. Worse still, I basically became her lapdog the past few months, I did so much for her and let her take me for granted, and now I'm paying the price and being treated like sh1t.

So how the fvck to I get my balls back and man up?! A guy of my age and my size, strength and potential should never cry over a worthless b1tch like that?! I shouldn't even be falling for anyone like that.

I'm working out hard, trying to bulk up, hoping the extra calories will boost my testosterone, but nothing so far. I need to tap into my rage, use it to fuel my work outs and get me back in the game, but I try and it's not happening.

I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself, cringing at what I've become and I need to change!

 

[VikingKing]

Just realize you did it before , so you can do it again. So your a body builder, your probably very good at it. Now go get good at something else.

Spend time with people with your buddies, talk about **** (not her). Or meet new people, get to know them, about there lives and ****.

Today is my first day of school, before i was nearly homeless, alcoholic addict. Now I'm on my 2nd try at college. I'm 25, missing my front left tooth, thats what i get for being to drunk to fight.

Of course go meet new women, for what of purpose you want.

you'll be ok man. its all about perspective.

 

[dajinn]

You don't need advice on how to man up, you just need to recognize that you're human like everybody else.

 

[Solomon]

I don't know how this has happened to me. 2 years ago I was banging a new woman every week, I was confident, bold, my game was on form and I was living well.

Then I entered into a relationship and found her drawing out my deep emotions, compassion and a soft and sensitive side. This was emphasized even more by the fact that she has kids, who I bonded with like they were my own. I found my boldness begin to fade, stopped being so spontaneous and even seemed to lose my ability to feel anger.

I've been into bodybuilding for about 8 years now and I continue to lift and work out as I did before, but mentally I've become pathetic.

This is really shameful to admit, but it might help you understand why I'm writing this thread. A few months ago, my girlfriend and I broke up and I bawled constantly. I finished work, got in my car and I cried all the way home. I phoned my family and cried on the phone to them and felt totally heartbroken.

We did get back together soon after, but have broken up again this past weekend and I found out she's been stringing me along while keeping her options open - http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=207895

Once again, I'm a broken man. I feel so overcome with emotional pain that it's taking control over my rational mind. I mean, I know I'm best out of the relationship and there are so many reasons a sane person wouldn't get involved. Worse still, I basically became her lapdog the past few months, I did so much for her and let her take me for granted, and now I'm paying the price and being treated like sh1t.

So how the fvck to I get my balls back and man up?! A guy of my age and my size, strength and potential should never cry over a worthless b1tch like that?! I shouldn't even be falling for anyone like that.

I'm working out hard, trying to bulk up, hoping the extra calories will boost my testosterone, but nothing so far. I need to tap into my rage, use it to fuel my work outs and get me back in the game, but I try and it's not happening.

I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself, cringing at what I've become and I need to change!

Jariel maybe you should take your own advice

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=82346

People place higher value what they can’t have or what they fear losing. When you are rejected or dumped, back off and you make their decision final. Don’t be taken for granted, don’t try to seduce them, NEVER try to explain or repair mistakes, don’t try to be friends, don’t change who you are or put on any acts, just cut them off and get on with your life. If they try to get in contact, be polite, but indifferent and don’t give them your time. Your time now is for other things and other people! Finally, if and when you do take them back, do so on your own terms and continue letting them know you can’t be taken for granted!

This is old advice and a golden rule, but hopefully the examples I’ve given have helped illustrate and emphasise this point.

This is the truth, this is why no matter how upset I wanna get at a women flaking or doing something dumb to end a relationship. I realize two things 1. My time is short and I can't waste it on b.s. and foolery and 2. There are tons more women out there, this is why spinning plates or Having a Team
makes man of abundance (DJ) different from a man of scarcity (AFC/Beta)

I like you buddy you have inspired me to start taking my work outs serious. Our stories are somewhat the same. However I don't pity you. You've had tons of success in the past, have you already forgotten all the hot tail you have slayed? the gorgeous women in the past who chased you? the fun relationships you've had?

and you're worried about some chick with baggage who is going through a divorce and is taking depression meds?


GEEZE Jariel wake the **** up, your one of the elite here get it together mate and stop being a ****ing wanker

 

[floydb25]

You don't need advice on how to man up, you just need to recognize that you're human like everybody else.

Was about to say the same thing. This is life; no one is immune. What you experienced is perfectly normal. The dating gig vs relationships are two completely different things. You can bang, have fun, whatever, and not get hurt... That's the whole idea, really. Relationships are a whole 'nother story.

Best thing to do is to not wear your heart on a sleeve and be blinded by **** when you pursue a relationship. As well, dont view everyone as LTR material just because you bond and it feels "right". Always pay attention, and make sure you're actually courting people. As you know now, the results can be heart-wrenching when you rush in too fast.

Even beyond that, you still need game to maintain ones interest. Gotta gradually sink into that **** - not just enter relationship mode right away.

 

[Ronaldo7]

You need to review your priorities. One of the great things about the gym is that it offers you everything you need. It brings determination, discipline, willpower, and gives you a new sense of meaning. Don't go out looking for what you already have in the gym. I'm guessing you did bodybuilding before you met her? Remember how much satisfaction that brought upon you? The gym never let you down or caused you disappointment.

 

[MM92]

Was wondering where you went to. You were one of my favorite posters on here when I first joined then you disappeared.

 

[Jariel]

Thank you so much for the replies, it really does help. I hit my lowest point today and had to face so many harsh emotions, the act of betrayal and the fact that I have been so gullible and pathetic.

Reading your replies really do help. I know I can get back on my feet and get back in the game, but I just need to toughen up emotionally so I can't get through this and so that I don't fall into this trap again, letting my emotions rule my head.

The thing is, I have a lot of prospects right now and could go on a hot date this week. There's a girl who I had oneitis for a couple of years ago who expressed she has feelings for me and who I've been rejecting due to my relationship. I really wish I could get right back into dating them and having fun, but the thought of being with anyone else right now is unbearable.

I have taken my own advice, however. I did something that might seem odd today. I text her to say that the break up was overdue and I accept it was the right decision, thanks her for good times and I wished her luck meeting someone who will make her happy. Then I deleted her number.

I did this because it gives me closure and allows me to walk away with dignity. As much as I despise her, my focus is moving on rather than telling her that or trying to get any hint of remorse from her. And as much as I want revenge, I believe that the law of cause and effect will do it for me when she realises I was way out of her league and a rare exception who got trapped with her, that guys like me aren't readily available to divorcees with kids and a heap of baggage and emotional problems, and even fat louts will think twice about sticking around. Her life is about to spiral down, I've seen it happen so many times before, and I take pleasure in that.

Meanwhile, I will return to my DJ principles, become the best man I can be and focus on enjoying life's experiences. It seems a long way off right now, but I've pulled myself up from worse states than this one and I am trying to treat this as a valuable (albeit hard) lesson. I've taken notes of all my mistakes, regrets, signs to look for, and the many things I did right too.

I will return again later to address some of the specific points in the replies, but just wanted to thank you for the support.

Any more advice on overcoming this heartache, tricks for putting her out of my mind and controlling my emotions would really be appreciated. Thanks!

 

[SamTheHobit]

I've been broken up with three times by the same girl.
This girl has been my only "real" girlfriend.

If you think you feel pathetic. know that I'm more pathetic.
If you think you feel bad. I feel just as bad everyday.

Don't know if this help but sometimes it helps to know you're not the only one going through a period of emptiness and being broken.

 

[Ronaldo7]

IF you're juicing maybe its causing mood swings and you should stop. Also, from personal experience, being jacked does not always attract the best quality chicks. It attracts MANY aggressive wh0res that see you only as a sex object to be obtained.

That's not true at all. It brings out the hottest girls. When you look your best, you attract the best. It's called the secret of attraction. If you work hard at being an 8, you won't get below that. It simply does not add up.

 

[Trump]

I don't know how this has happened to me. 2 years ago I was banging a new woman every week, I was confident, bold, my game was on form and I was living well.

Then I entered into a relationship and found her drawing out my deep emotions, compassion and a soft and sensitive side. This was emphasized even more by the fact that she has kids,

Yikes. Don't like this. Once they have kids from a previous guy you can't take anything they say at face value. There is an ulterior motive at play.

Once again, I'm a broken man. I feel so overcome with emotional pain that it's taking control over my rational mind. I mean, I know I'm best out of the relationship and there are so many reasons a sane person wouldn't get involved. Worse still, I basically became her lapdog the past few months, I did so much for her and let her take me for granted, and now I'm paying the price and being treated like sh1t.

This is why you are crying and pissed off. She used you, she played you, you feel like a fool. Just glad you didn't do anything drastic. We have all been there, but at your age you have to way better at seeing it.

So how the fvck to I get my balls back and man up?! A guy of my age and my size, strength and potential should never cry over a worthless b1tch like that?! I shouldn't even be falling for anyone like that.

I'm working out hard, trying to bulk up, hoping the extra calories will boost my testosterone, but nothing so far. I need to tap into my rage, use it to fuel my work outs and get me back in the game, but I try and it's not happening.

I'm sat here feeling sorry for myself, cringing at what I've become and I need to change!

Women (with kids) know how to manipulate, to play the victim, to get you to do,stuff for them, to really make you vulnerable, then when you are not looking, they drop the bombshell. Have to watch your back and protect yourself.

 

[Jariel]

A very hard lesson has been learned from this experience! The most important lesson of all is this:

Women are only loyal to men they have feelings for. Women only respect a man who they are attracted to.

It doesn't matter how much you do for her, how good a person you are or how long you've been together...she will never feel like she owes you anything, not even respect and will treat you like crap once her feelings drop.

NEVER forget this and NEVER let your guard down, not with any woman you ever meet! You will think there are exceptions, until they stab you in the back.

And this is not only applicable to certain women or stereotypes! Trust me, I've been the victim of this and a woman I considered one of the most compassionate, loyal and honest people to ever enter my life did this exact thing to me the moment she lost her feelings.

Would she have done the same when she was still crazy in love with me? Not at all. Because when you stir her feelings, you consume her thoughts and she can't think of being with another man. She will show you respect and affection as a way of getting more attention from you, of getting you to satisfy that craving she has for being with you.


Now this is where I fvcked up and everything changed...

At the beginning of the relationship, I was very independent, bold and exciting. Although we had very loving and romantic experiences that many would consider soppy, times when I'd profess my love to her and how special she was, I did it sparingly. Some nights I'd go to her house late, have sex, sleep over and leave early the next day. I let her move house and didn't even offer to help her.

She'd tell me she wasn't happy with how things were and she felt used, but I continued doing it, giving a bit more leeway here and there. She'd still complain that it wasn't enough, but her feelings were still intense, she'd do anything for me, and would tell me how much she craved me or was pining to be with me.

We went through a rocky patch and she broke up with me. I went no contact and she ended up crying and spiralling into depression without me and came chasing me again. She expressed her need for me to become a bigger part of her life, show more responsibility and so on.

This is where I messed up! Because I had been so hurt by losing her, I gave her everything she wanted as a way of getting her back. I went out of my way to help her, be there for her, reassure her, and pandered to her every wish or criticism. I allowed myself to become her lapdog.

The more I did for her and the more I gave her what she wanted, the less affection I got in return. She became distant at times, disrespectful and took me for granted. She had no fear of me leaving or cheating, so had no reason to work at keeping me. The less she seemed to care, the more I chased her and the more power she had. And the golden rule of relationships is, "whoever cares least, holds the power".

And so we lost the tension in our relationship, she lost her feelings and respect for me, and this is why I'm where I am today.

The thing is, it's very easy to fall into the mindset of thinking these rules and basic psychological principles don't apply once you get comfortable. It's easy to get complacent or too trusting of your girlfriend. Part of it is because you see her love and loyalty at the beginning of the relationship where everything was so great and you still have your independence, and you think this is an invariable part of her character and that it will not change.

But it does! It has happened with every girlfriend I've grown complacent with. Not only did they lose feelings and dump me, they did it in a cold and remorseless way, taking none of the great memories into consideration, none of the many things you did for her or the time you spent together.

I've learned something so valuable here and I hope this time it sticks! What's more, I now feel a sense of closure and an understanding, and have taken away some very valuable wisdom from this hurtful experience.

 

[Sneevox]

4. You may experience pangs or periods of gloomy depression. This is a good thing: it is your brain getting rid of her. Get rid of her possessions, and start focusing on the bad times and not the good ones. Remember how cold hearted she acted towards you when this relationship was ending? This is how you are going to act towards her memory from now on. Men can learn a lot from women in this respect. If you bump into her, show her how happy you are, even if deep down inside you are not. This is how you will win back your power, by showing her she no longer has any over you. This is the ultimate way of getting back your control.

...seems like this whole passage is secretly about self assurance.
Hmm...
Oh well.

carry on, everybody

 

[Aristippus]

Hey Jariel,

One thing I've noticed is that there's a fine balance when it comes to doing things for a woman. You want to be able to be generous but on your own terms. Women in general are notorious for creating a situation where once you do something for them, they will keep asking you to do more and more and more.

It's like an insatiable bottomless pit unless you learn to say "No.". Especially to ridiculous requests. If it's something she could do on her own, or if it is actually more inconvenient for you to do it than for her to do it, then it is an unreasonable request.

A few examples of unreasonable requests: One guy on here said that his wife piled on ridiculous request after ridiculous request on top of his already important and necessary tasks/ responsibilities. Sometimes it's a matter of lack of consideration where you already have a ton of things to do but then she throws in some stupid request like you giving her a wake-up call from work because she's too lazy to set her own alarm.

Or asking you to hand her something that is right next to her and is more convenient for her to get. Or whining because you didn't turn the air conditioning in the car down when her hand was right next to it and she could have turned it down if she was too cold. It's usually dumb, silly, ridiculous, or excessive requests that show a lack of consideration for you.

If you cave in to excessive requests or dumb, non-sensical requests then a woman will think she can walk all over you and loses respect for you. It doesn't matter if you're a weight-lifter. She'll just see you as that dumb lug from The Goonies or like some muscle-head with no brains. The word "No." is like a gift to yourself and it also shields you from the ill-effects of inconsiderate requests. It also has the effect of making women respect you and your time more.

You definitely don't want to become a lapdog. Better to tell her that she's not an invalid or handicapped than to have some woman who thinks you have nothing better to do with your time than to be her slave and personal servant. Oh. But "You've come a long way baby!". "You're an independent woman!" "Girl power!" "You go girl!" yada yada yada bull$hit bull$****.

There is no such thing as an independent woman. Every woman out there is looking to find a man that she can be somewhat dependent on. There's nothing wrong with this IN MODERATION and tempered with consideration. I don't want my wife getting grease on her. I can work on the car. I don't want her to hurt her back so I will lift something heavy that needs to be moved. She appreciates it and will cook for me or do something nice for me because she loves me.

Create situations where women do favors for you. Switch it around and do it without embarrassment. Ask them to get you something to drink. To cook for you. To take you somewhere. To use her time to do something for you like help you clean your apartment or to cut your hair. If you're sick ask her to bring you some soup. Your dealings with women don't have to be so one-sided where you feel like you're doing everything and she's doing very little in return...... If she asks you to watch the kids, then she has to watch your grandmother. Or she has to bathe the dog. Let the women do something for YOU for a change. If she has a problem with it, I suggest severing all ties or at least limiting the extent of your relationship.

"Sharing responsibilities" as so many women like to put it (which, to many self-entitled wannabee princesses simply means "You get to take care of your own responsibilities and now I'm going to dump all of my responsibilities and baggage onto you too") should be exactly that. Sharing. She should share in doing some of the things that used to be your responsibility to handle alone. That means she does your laundry. She cleans. She has your lunch ready for you to bring with you before you go to work. She does other things. It needs to feel mutual instead of like a one-sided situation.

If you aim for something more mutual, and expect certain things from the women you get into relationships with, and refuse to accept anything less, then the next "relationship" topic you start will be about some attractive woman that treats you very good and we can all ask you how you found a woman like that. We'll be asking you how to find that type of woman and you'll be giving everyone on here advice on how to do it.

 

[Sneevox]

Because I had been so hurt by losing her

I'd like to just profess that THIS was the real mistake.

maybe I'm just a sociopath

who even knows anymore

 

[Desdinova]

So how the fvck to I get my balls back and man up?!

You have to give it time. You just broke up last weekend for chrissake. That 5hit is gonna hurt for a while. You can't suffer a broken leg and expect to walk like a pro a week later.

 

[floydb25]

I'd like to just profess that THIS was the real mistake.

maybe I'm just a sociopath

who even knows anymore

Ha Ha... I've been feeling the same way, man. Doesn't seem like anyone appreciates, and even takes advantage of the things you do for them. Or just treats you like **** because they can. Just makes you hate everyone, and not give a **** anymore.

Anywho, yes, this was a mistake. But the bigger mistake - the all-too common one - was listening to what she SAID, and not going with what she RESPONDED to. Time and time again, the two contradict each other completely, and it's always in relation to being a jerk vs nice guy. It's the same ol' story, all over again.

It doesn't matter what she wants or complains about - it's what she responds to. And what she responds to is what she seeks after. This is why you don't try to wife up bishes who seek after the bad boy alpha player. They're all about the chase and challenge and drama - then LOSE interest once you become comfortable and "nice" - despite complaining about just that. Words mean ****; you MUST read between the lines and pay attention to the FACTS. Especially when it comes to retarded bishes, and other assorted trash. Realistically, most people AREN'T LTR material, and respond favorably to this ****. Some of them even live for the drama, games, uncertainty, challenge, and pissing everybody off and making them want to stab them repeatedly with a fork.

Always - ALWAYS - pay attention to who people are, and what they respond to. Most people are all about the status, challenge, prize, looks, and other superficial, shallow ****. These are not quality people, and don't give a **** about how good or genuine you are. Nor do they respond favorably to such behavior - despite feeling ENTITLED to it.

We were discussing the exact same thing on another thread recently. Same story.

This applies to friendships, as well. Lotta fake, shallow people out there. You gotta be able to spot them.

 

[Jariel]

But the bigger mistake - the all-too common one - was listening to what she SAID, and not going with what she RESPONDED to. Time and time again, the two contradict each other completely, and it's always in relation to being a jerk vs nice guy. It's the same ol' story, all over again.

It doesn't matter what she wants or complains about - it's what she responds to.

You've got it right on the mark there Floyd!

Although I wasn't a jerk early in the relationship, or even close, I was in the relationship for me and doing what made me happy. There were times when I found being with her boring (i.e. when she was getting kids ready for bed or had chores to do), so I'd wait until she'd done all that sh1t before seeing her. She complained about it constantly, but you know what? She made sure to get it all done so by the time I got there she could give me all of her attention.

If I'd continued to ignore her complaining and continued watching her actions, it would have been a different story I'm sure.

 

[floydb25]

Yes, exactly. And if this kind of set up doesn't work for you - get the F out and find someone better. There's a LOT of trashy bishes out there who do nothing but complain, feel entitled, contradict themselves, double-speak, have double standards, etc. They literally throw themselves at the same things they complain about, and always come with baggage and drama. These girls aren't LTR material, and don't deserve ****.

 

[soulforge]

You've got it right on the mark there Floyd!

Although I wasn't a jerk early in the relationship, or even close, I was in the relationship for me and doing what made me happy. There were times when I found being with her boring (i.e. when she was getting kids ready for bed or had chores to do), so I'd wait until she'd done all that sh1t before seeing her. She complained about it constantly, but you know what? She made sure to get it all done so by the time I got there she could give me all of her attention.

If I'd continued to ignore her complaining and continued watching her actions, it would have been a different story I'm sure.

hey jariel was there any point near the end of this relationship, where you felt she was mis treating you (i.e) disrespectful? no too concerned about your feeling?

did you feel like you had given her too much control over you?

and was there any point where she treated you so badly, that you know you should have dumped her there & then, but still chose to hang around, or to salvage the relationship?