Need some advice guys on letting go and moving on!

[boostinfd]

I haven't posted here much as i've just been reading a lot and looking at many threads... Most of them about getting over a "oneits" and moving on etc. Mostly they all focus on NC and focusing on myself etc.

First the background:

I've been with my now ex for 2 years. We had our disagreements, fought from time to time. Every fight was pretty much about stupid things that i can't even remember right now. The way I am when there is a argument or a fight, I tried to get to the point of it all and figure out the issue... Yet she would just get mad, and all the other crap.

We basically broke up and the reason was that we're fighting too much, she needs her freedom because... well pretty much she wants to go out with her friend to clubs and such. (The weird thing is, now that we are broken up she did a 180 and totally changed. Doesn't go out at all, doesn't drink... )

This was about a month and a half ago... I tried to do NC but it was hard. We didnt talk for 2 weeks or so, then suddenly we started talking again, started hanging out, going out, even had sex couple of times.

Talking about us... basically led to her saying "I don't want a relationship right now" Which i know in "womaneese" that means i don't want a relationship with you. She looks confused... she's also very easily influenced by her friends.. She doesn't have a job right now and that's been stressing her out I guess. Frankly when i looked at it from all views, the relationship and her... she really has no motivation for anything, no goals, not that smart in a way... Yet I'm still stuck on her for some weird ass reason. I was her first serious boyfriend... she had 2 other guys in the past, but it wasn't anything serious.

So i know i'm supposed to just cut her off, Go full NC, NEXT all that other stuff i read here... However I just can't do it. I have a major "oneits" going on and i can't shake it off.

I have a good job, my own place, i'm pretty much set in life. I have friends, but they are all with someone. I see them every once in a while but it's just hard when i know they have someone and i'm alone. I work out every day because it helps with the feelings and emotions. But that's pretty much it. I need some kind of hobby or motivation to keep me going... something that will make me get my mind off of her... I just feel like in some kind of hole that i can't get myself out of.

I didn't have problem attracting girls in the past... i mean i don't have some kind of special Game, but i can talk to girls, flirt, kino all that... I just can't do it now. We live in a small community and the places we hung out were where everyone knows everyone kind of. I avoided all those places for the past month and a half and just kept going somewhere else with some new friends.

It's just so damn hard... as I write this now, i keep thinking about her and even though on paper, the girl is not for me... yes she's pretty, but that's pretty much all that she is... nothing else! Why can't i shake it off and actually stick to NC? When we used to go out, anything i tried talking to her about, it was pretty much dead end. Unless it was gossip... that's different story. I mean she's 25 and acts like she's in High School...

See even I know all this... I want her back in my life. I feel like it could get better with time. It's obvious i can't really go Full NC and stick to it becasue she text's me every day, or calls... I don't reply to most of it and i don't answer half the time... but still... it's the only time i feel good. I'm 28 years old... and i thought i was going to marry this girl... i wanted to have kids and family... maybe that's why I still want her back....

Give me some suggestions guys... something that will stick in this Big Head of mine! I would love to be back with her again... nothing would make me more happier... but I don't know if that's even possible now.

thank you very much for reading this long post.

R

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks a lot. I really needed to hear that from someone more mature.

do you or anyone else have any tips on how to overcome this feeling? I know NC would be the way to go, to actually get over her... but every time i try to do it... Her Texts, or just seeing her number on my phone make me break it!

I think it's because I still want her back

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks a lot. I really needed to hear that from someone more mature.

do you or anyone else have any tips on how to overcome this feeling? I know NC would be the way to go, to actually get over her... but every time i try to do it... Her Texts, or just seeing her number on my phone make me break it!

I think it's because I still want her back

Matthew 18:9 And if your phone causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with no phone than to have a phone and be thrown into the fire of hell.

Okay maybe that's not an exact quote, but if you feel you have to go no contact with her, have your phone company block her number from calls and text. Go to the extreme.

 

[boostinfd]

It's not so much that I feel i need to go NC... I love just hearing from her and talking to her... but it's the fact that at the end of conversation, she's still single as am I. Once we were a couple, now we are nothing!

I'm finding new hobbies and really bad trying to ocupy my mind with stuff, but she's still there. When we broke up month and a half ago, i already threw away all the stuff that reminded me of her, changed stuff around my apartmant, deleted her number, removed from facebook all that... But now when we started talking and all that... i'm kind of back at square 1. I mean i know her number by heart as she does mine, so removing it doesn't mean anything.

I haven't done anything AFC that i can think of... at least nothing in front of her eyes... I'm pretty much keeping it all to myself.

Thanks a lot guys

 

[Warrior74]

. I mean i know her number by heart as she does mine, so removing it doesn't mean anything.

Now you are just making excuses. Call your phone company and BLOCK her number. If you really want to go NC you will take the steps to do it. You want someone here to cosign what you are doing and at the same time tell you it's going to be okay. It's not. Good luck.

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks. I can block her number thru apps without the phone company... that's not the problem. Problem is, I can't do it! AFC... I guess I am... I can't help it. I know everythign i'm supposed to do, but I'm not strong enough to do it!

Thanks again

 

[Warrior74]

Thanks. I can block her number thru apps without the phone company... that's not the problem. Problem is, I can't do it! AFC... I guess I am... I can't help it. I know everythign i'm supposed to do, but I'm not strong enough to do it!

Thanks again

The good news is, when you really get sick of treating yourself like sh1t, you'll stop.

 

[penkitten]

have you tried to... go on with your life?
i mean, really go on?
like go out with your buddies instead of staying home to dwell on things?
or... meeting other ladies?

the sooner you start talking to another lady, the sooner you forget this one.
hope that helps.

 

[jophil28]

.
...But now when we started talking and all that... i'm kind of back at square 1

And that is why " just one drink" never works for an alcoholic either.

"NO Contact " equals Abstinence .

 

[jophil28]

have you tried to... go on with your life?
i mean, really go on?
like go out with your buddies instead of staying home to dwell on things?
or... meeting other ladies?

the sooner you start talking to another lady, the sooner you forget this one.
hope that helps.

This ^^ is more profound that it looks at first glance.
Human beings do not do very well in a vacuum.

The vacancy in your life that she created needs to be filled by another woman (or women) and fun recreation.
But as 'The Kitten' says you need to try, really try.

Hey imagine this - you meet another woman who is just as attractive and sexy AND she is also smart , intelligent and aware of world events ....hmmm ?

 

[penkitten]

Hey imagine this - you meet another woman who is just as attractive and sexy AND she is also smart , intelligent and aware of world events ....hmmm ?

he could also imagine a variety of women who give better bjs.
then he could go out and collect other women's phone numbers and try to collect on those bjs.
i guarantee once he is getting those, he won't remember what's her face's phone number.

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks guys. Just 10min ago i talked to her for the last time... Said what i wanted to say... Told her that's it with me. She Shouldnt contact me anymore, and i sure wont either.

I'm starting my NC now!

I did go out with friends and it wasnt the same... I dont really feel like meeting women now. I really want to heal first.... At least to the point where desperation is less. I'll get thru this, i know myself. This will not be the end no matter how painfull it is!

 

[jophil28]

She Shouldnt contact me anymore, and i sure wont either.

I'm starting my NC now!

You have two challenges ahead.

1) How are you going to react if/when she contacts you. In my experience women cannot tolerate being dumped even if their IL in you was low or dropping . I have noticed that if they are going to re-approach they will do so inside three weeks. About 20 days seems to be the limit of their tolerance for no attention from you.
Make no mistake, if she contacts you her motive will be to set you up to be dumped by her in another week or two.

2) How are you going to handle your own desire to initiate contact with her ? The danger is that you will 'drunk dial' or maybe you will think about just "giving her a call' next Sunday morning when you wake up all alone.

No Contact means Abstinence. Anything other than total and permanent separation is really just falling off the wagon, and ultimately self defeating. There is no such thing as a 'little contact'.

"One day at a time " is The Way.

Good luck, Booster.

 

[jophil28]

Thanks guys. Just 10min ago i talked to her for the last time... Said what i wanted to say... Told her that's it with me. She Shouldnt contact me anymore, and i sure wont either.

I'm starting my NC now!

I did go out with friends and it wasnt the same... I dont really feel like meeting women now. I really want to heal first.... At least to the point where desperation is less. I'll get thru this, i know myself. This will not be the end no matter how painfull it is!

Here is a question for you to think about when the longing kicks in -

IF you could remove the memory of the physical attraction and the sexual enjoyment, would you still want her in your life as a friend or an acquaintance?

 

[hithard]

Sounds like you got yourself addicted to her drama. IMO a lot of times a man gets wrung through the full emotional range with these chicks it seems to have a magnetic effect (you wanting more). Flicking the switch of biatch to lover in short periods of time seems to play havoc with most men’s minds. You also sound as if you invested too much into her and had nothing left over for you.

"I don't want a relationship right now" Which i know in "womaneese" that means i don't want a relationship with you.

Also means "I want to brush my teeth with every Hung Bobs c0ck, and you can be my emotional tampon". Of course if needed hook you back with sex.

So NC and work on you to break the addiction. It only takes a few lines from her and your mind fuked once more. This isn't something you want to repeat when you’re 40 and she does it again. So the only thing you can do at this point is harden the fu.ck up and do it. There’s no magic answer or intestinal fortitude that will magically appear by reading more and more posts. Either you move on, or roll over and be happy with the decision.

 

[romangod]

Where'd my posts go??? There's something rotten in the State of Denmark.


Cheers!

 

[boostinfd]

hmmm a lot of posts have been removed... Weird!

To answer some of your questions... I blocked her number, her texts and her MMS, so i can't see them nor read them. That'll help some if she contacts me.

As far as my desire to contact, well I know that'll happen, but I'll overcome it because honestly nothing good will come from it. I've realized last night that after talking to her, she doesn't know what she wants; she is desperate to find the job and that's the only thing she thinks about; doesn't want a relationship (with me obviously)... and on and on it goes. So me contacting her will only Set ME back... nobody else.

This is Day 1 and I will overcome this.

Thanks a lot

 

[romangod]

hmmm a lot of posts have been removed... Weird!

To answer some of your questions... I blocked her number, her texts and her MMS, so i can't see them nor read them. That'll help some if she contacts me.

I've realized last night that after talking to her, she doesn't know what she wants; she is desperate to find the job and that's the only thing she thinks about; doesn't want a relationship (with me obviously)... and on and on it goes. So me contacting her will only Set ME back... nobody else.

This is Day 1 and I will overcome this.

Thanks a lot

I hope this post doesn't get deleted. Anyway..........


You've got a good attitude. From the outside looking in I have to say that you've dodged a bullet. You seem like a good, honest and polite guy and it sounds like you would have been settling with her. I might be wrong, but from your description of her it seems that things wouldn't have ended well if you married her.


Take this time to do some soul searching and strengthening yourself. Your ego will play games on you but you have to be strong. Your ego can get you out of some messes but when it betrays you it is ruthless.

I look back fondly on my struggles as I went through my oneitis. I was crawling in pain like a lost soul searching for a meaning to my pain. In time, I picked myself up and started all over as a stronger, wiser man that could walk with his head held high. I haven't looked back except to reflect and learn from my trials. I wish you luck and more importantly, wisdom.


Cheers!

 

[boostinfd]

Thanks a lot romangod!

Your posts (even deleted) seem to show wisdom and help that I need. This is only day 1 for me... so i may be very strong today and then 2 days later messed up a bit... But I know myself and I believe in ME! I will overcome this!

Even the reality is that she's not for me... she needs a lot of help of her own... the mind is playing tricks on me and makes me think she's the best that ever happend etc. I just need to focus on bad stuff like her bursting out of nowhere while we were on vacation because she thought I was talking to some other girl; or her getting mad and yelling because i asked her to get ready in 30min so we can make the movie etc.

Long Road ahead of me... I was with her for 2 years... Feelings will not just disappear overnight unfortunately.

 

[mrRuckus]

So i know i'm supposed to just cut her off, Go full NC, NEXT all that other stuff i read here... However I just can't do it. I have a major "oneits" going on and i can't shake it off.

Oh, boo hoo. There's no fvcking trick. You just do it or you crawl off and die. You get about as much sympathy as those stupid women who stay with abusers when the door is right over there unlocked. Or the fat guy who cries about being fat but can't spend a day away from KFC. Gimme a break.

I barely read this post because it's just a wall of text with pointless information. My goal really isn't to be a d1ck because seriously i just want you to sack up. What the hell do you want from us? If you "can't" do it, what do you want? We can't make you. You already know what to do. Just do it. How about punch yourself in the gut every time you think "i can't do it?" Gotta make you into a man somehow.