Need some advice from vets!

ferggy99

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Hey guys...I need some serious help! I met this girl back on April 1st on this dating site. You know one of those girls that you just have to talk too. Well she was one of those for me. So I send her an e-mail, she e-mails me back and tells me that she looked at my profile and she did not think that we had all the much in common. I send her one back and explain what we do, and she agrees to talk.

So we start to talk and everything moves a long nicely. We are getting along and things are going well and she is sending me signals right and left she is into me. At the end of April she send's me an e-mail asking me if I want to meet her for lunch becuase she is going to be out my way. I tell her that I would love too! So I go and meet her and it turns out that she can not leave because there were not enough people to cover, so we just hung out in the parking lot talking. Me making the most of the situation, agree and we have a good time. I ask her if she usually likes to have company for lunch. She tellls me no and that she usually likes to sit in her car and read. But she wanted to meet me.

So she has to go back to work and I go home. When I get there I have an e-mail waiting for me telling me that she had a really nice time. I send her one back and tell her that I did too and that I can not wait to do it again! So the rest of April goes by and we get into May. Well the following week I ask her if she wants to get together for lunch or anything and she tells me that she can't and that she is going to be off the shelf for a while because her dad is moving out of state and she wants to spend time with him.

So I don't have any problems with that and I show her that I can be understanding and I say ok that is fine. The end of the month comes and we get into June. There is where is startes to get interesting. We are still talking about this point and everyting is moving along well. She is asking me about when I am going to be movin into my new place, and tells me that I should have a house warming party. I tell her that it sounds like a good idea but I want her to come. She tells me thathe would love to! So I set it up for July 12th.

The month goes on form there. A few days latter I ask her how she is doing and she tells me not well and tells me that her junkie ex is really getting into drinking and drugs and he is threatening to kill himself. So I am there for her shoulder to cry on, she tells me how she always pick the wrong guy and it never fails. So I make my first mistake and I tell her that I like her. She says back to me: thanks i think you are a nice person too, but unfortunatly i just do not have the time with everything going on, i am sorry so please do not be mad, but i am stepping out for awhile, anywho if you do not want to talk to me anymore i completely understand. I tell her that just because she can not do something right now I am not going to give up on her. That I want get to know eachother and see where thigns go. She agrees an the subject changes.

Well for the rest of the month she talks about her ex a little and tells me how he is killing himself. Also how he will only go to the hospital and rehab for her. So he goes but she stays at the hospital with him and I ask what's going on with them. She tells me: Truthfully i have no idea what is going on...sorry, i hate to say that, but i honestly cannot tell you what is going on...i am not sure, but i do have feelings for him and vise versa, if you do not want to talk to me anymore i understand. So I tell her that she has to do whatever she feels is right, but I just want to be there for her when she needs me.

We get into July and things calm down so I thought! I wind up not being able to have my part due to timing issues, so I resechdule it for the 16th of August. But that is not the big deal. One night she posts a blog on her myspace. The blog basicly says how she is still in love with her ex, but she knows that she can never be with him because he is self desctuctive and sad. So I send her and e-mail and lay everything out on the line about how I feel about her. I send her a text message and couple of days latter and ask her if she is alright with how I feel about her. She tells me that she thinks that I might be expecting somethig that she is not prepared for and it weird to her. So I tell her that knew she was not ready and that I was in no rush and I just wanted to know how she felt. She tells me that is it scares her and is weird to her and she is not used to it. So I ask what I can do to not scare her. She tells me to just back off a bit. I do!

Then the weeks goes by and we are talking and there are no problems, so I ask her if she wants to have lunch with me on that Friday...well she winds up not being able too, but wants to have lunch on Saturday after she gets off work. So I meet her for lunch and she gets out of her car and has a big smile on her face and is happy to see me and give me a warm hug. We get in side and we have a nice lunch we and talk, just have a good time. We go to leave and she gives me a tight hug and I give her a tight hug back. I also give her a kiss on the cheek. She plays with her keys for a little while and askes me what I am doing when I get home. I tell her I don't know and ask her what she is doing. She tells me that she is going to take a nap. So I go and hang out with a friend. I send her a text a few hours latter and tell her that I had a really good time and that it was a lot of fun. She told me that she did too!

So July ends with her telling me about one of her friends asking her out and asking me what I thought that she should do. I tell her that I have been in a similar situation and that I would not do it becuase she stood to lose a lot of friends if she did. She did not wind up going out with him. This was the weekend before she left for Hawaii, so I told her that I would miss her while she was gone and I would talk to her when she got back. She sent me a =), so I know she would miss me too. She got back form Hawaii last week and I did not hear anything from her until I sent her a text on Friday asking hre how she was. She told me that she was sorry for e-mailing me and that it had been hetic since she got back. I said that it was ok and asked if she was still coming to my party. She tells me yes.

So last Saturday comes and everyone that was supposed to come, comes and so does she. But she sends me a text when she is on her way and askes me i I need anything I tell her no. She calls me a few minutes later and askes for directions. I tell her how to get there and she gets lost on the way. So she finally gets to my place. She is messing with her car top because it wont go up and she got lost on the way to my place...so she is annoyed. She get's inside I introduce her to everyone. She kind of just sits there really quite and like she would wrather be somewhere else. So since she had a birthday party to goto, we all left and I headed to my friends house and I tell her to follow me out. She does and I send her an e-mail latter that night telling her that I was sorry for getting her lost. She tells me that it is ok and that she had a good time.

Sunday night I send her one more e-mail telling her that I hope she did have a goodtime because it really looked that she did not. Also telling that when my friends told me to tell her that she is more than welcome to come out with us anytime that it was nothing more than being friendly. I told her that they asked what was going on with her and I and I told them right now we are just friends and beyond that I did not know. I get this on Tuesday in response: everything is fine...lost soccer...and i do have to say that i am not interested in you in anyway other than just being friends, sorry but that is how it is, i do think you are a nice person but i do have to say that after reading all your emails i think that i need to stop talking to you for awhile cause i think that you just have a wrong idea about everything, sorry again if i came across in giving you the wrong idea but i think maybe we should stop talking for awhile.

Now I can read what she said and I am sure that most of you will just tell me to give up and move on to the next. But I can not do that on this one. She was totally different. She is the girl of my dreams! We were also always friends, we never really did date. I was trying the not rushing her friend approach. Is there anyone way to change her mind in time?
 

Bible_Belt

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She is the girl of my dreams!


What kind of fvcked-up dreams are you having? Ones where the girl of your dreams does not like you that much? That sounds more like a nightmare.

She's just not that into you. Take a hint. Take months of hints.
 

Jitterbug

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She was right at the start: you two don't have much in common.

She has low or even zero interest in you.

Quit contacting her. Move on, mate.

I don't know why so many guys say "she's the girl of my dreams!" Start dreaming about more than one girl then. Problem solved!
 
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Ferggy my man,

Please, please, please. Sit down. Take a long, hard look at yourself. Take a long, hard look at this situation. Take a long, hard look at this girl and her actions.

Realize that you have feelings for this girl. Realize that you're probably in love with this girl. Open your eyes and realize that you're seeing everything the way you hope things to be.

This girl isn't into you as much as you are into her. If she liked you as much as you do, things would be very different between you. Much more... closer. Heck, she has even e-mailed you that she's not that into you!


Please, please, please. You MUST give up on this one. You MUST move on! Otherwise you're heading into a world of hurt. YOUR hurt. If you keep after this girl, someday you're going to wonder why she doesn't pay as much attention to you, despite her words that you're friends. One day you're going to ask her about that. One day you're going to have an argument with her on that, because you keep after her and she keeps backing off. In any case, you're going to tire of the cat-and-mouse game you'll be playing if you don't back off, and you're going to hold that against her eventually. Or she's going to get tired of you chasing her, if you keep BUGGING her.

Maybe she'll forgive you for that. Because you're "friends". But after a while, you'll have another needy fit over her or with her. She won't forgive you THAT. Then it'll not be even JUST friends anymore. Then it'll just be YOU, your BROKEN heart and months, maybe even years WASTED on chasing someone who doesn't like you as much as you like her.

Take it from someone who's been there. This is how it's going to end with 100% certainty if you do not move on RIGHT now. Take it from someone who knows. Hell, we ALL know of such things from first hand experience around here. Everyone who posts here does.


You CANNOT stay JUST friends with a woman you want to be MORE than friends with. You CANNOT.


Take Danger's advice of above. Every bit of it. Cut ALL contact. ALL OF IT. It seems like the harsh thing to do, it is, but it's the ONLY way to deal with something like this. That's how these things work. No interest in being more than friends? Sorry, kthnxbye. Healthy people know it works that way. Clingy, needy people do not.

Please, please, please realize that your feelings cloud your judgement right now. This girl is not the one for you. She doesn't like you as much as you like her, and she never will like you as much as you like her no matter how hard you try, no matter how friendly and giving and supportive you try to be. NEVER. You're just going to get tired and annoyed of you giving all the time and not getting anything back.

Cut ALL contact. Please. Do yourself that favour. Trust our judgement. Save yourself from massive HURT. Please. She has even e-mailed you that she can't be with you the way you want to be with her. She's well aware of your like for her. She knows you're not after her for "just friends". She knows you want more. She'll understand PERFECTLY if you cut contact. She will.


Just DO it. Please. For your own sake.


When you have, work on yourself. As Danger suggests. Keep reading along on this forum. Study the DJ bible linked at the bottom of every page. Do it. For your own sake, sanity and salvation! :)


Good luck. Keep us posted please. And don't mind the harsh tone of some posters here. They see you as they were once, and can't stand your ignorance. It's just a bit of though love, but it's love nonetheless. Don't take it as anything else. ;)
 

decades

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I am going to be a bit contrarian. Seeing as how you met this gal on April 1, I think you should keep pursuing her. I think you should call her once a day just to say hi, send her flowers candy and cards, and ask if you can wash her car. I think you should try and meet her X and see if you can help him get clean. I think it would be NICE for you two to invite her X to have lunch with you guys, so that together, you can get to the root of his issues. I believe you 2 have a future together if you just keep trying to break down her barriers. She is just playing hard to get. If you take my advice and go for it the girl of your dreams may just become your future wife! And you 2 can live happily ever after. I am sure of it. I also believe that the April 1 date is significant in numerology and that you should ask her to get married on this day next year, and marry on April 1 the following year. Gosh, this is Soooooo romantic. :flowers:
 

Hooligan Harry

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Don, some people need to experience something like this to realise that the reality they have been sold does not exist. A lot of us been in his sort of predicament before. His experience may be a little more extreme then most but the fact that he is asking questions means he is looking for answers.

The sad thing is that he is an example of exactly how men are behaving these days. Help a brother out, dont knock the sh1t out of him just yet :)
 

NewMan

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You talked about your emotions to much

You were to nice and considerate

You accomodated her every time she flaked on you

You had no edge to yourself - no spark nothing that would tell her that you would be a man and not take her BS

You fell in love with her when you hadn't even seen her naked, let alone had physical contact.


And the above are the least fo your worries.

She tagged you along. Your only chance was to push it early and bag her. In situations like these, where it seems like you are spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere with a woman, you need to change your tact and stop being so 'nice'. She lost whatever interest she intially had in you the minute you vomitted out your feelings and where 'Nice'

'Nice' needs a cutting edge.
 

Latinoman

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DonS said:
Excuse me while I go barf up breakfast..... OK.

You are the biggest wuss bag loser I have ever known. FK, I'm sorry, I just can't get over what I just read. It is going to remain in my memory till the day I die, just like any other tramatic event in ones life. I can't believe you wrote that. Are you kidding? Seriously, are you?

You pulled the absolute biggest AFC moves in every single interaction you two had. Jesus, do you realize that this chick finds you disgusting? The thought of you makes her ill. I'm not joking. She gets hot flashes and a little vomit comes up into her mouth at the mere thought of you.

God, where does one even start? FK, I have to go blow more chunks; good luck.

Shyt, I just can't let this one go. I am so amazed that we may have here the biggest AFC on this planet of 3.5 billion males. You AFC'd this girl for 5 months! Jesus, even the biggest AFC I've ever know would of been having sex with this chick after 2 weeks because it's obvious that this chick was very desperate to give you 5 months to try and act like a man. And now, after all this, you are calling her the girl of your dreams? She thinks you are the boy of her most inner, deep, and horrifying nightmares.

I'm sorry for the tone of this post. I just think the only thing that is going to help you is a deep dose of reality. You are probably at least 3 years away from even being able to comprehend the DJ Bible. The problem is you don't even have an elementary understanding of anything related to women, let alone even an ounce of confidence or self-respect. You have a lot of work to do. I still can't believe what I read. FK me.
Sadly...I agree with you.

I will add more to it

1- You met her in a DATING site (not a "Let's just be friends" site), therefore, if you were not at the very least kissing her withing the first 2 weeks...then you should have NOT invested any time or emotions on her.

2- MySpace? How old are you? 17?

3- Honestly...you should stop 100% contact. If you continue...she has more than legal leverage to put a constraining order on your azz.
 

ferggy99

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I have not contacted her at all and I will not contact her! I have a lot of work that needs to be done, but she is my trigger...so what better way to go than make great changes and then look back and say "You know I thought that I would need you, but I gess I really never did". I will also be the one to contact her more than likely anyway. So I have lots of time on my hands. Improvements here I come!!
 

Mr. Me

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So I make my first mistake and I tell her that I like her.
Actually, the first mistake you made was made way back from what I read when you thought she was into you, when she really wasn't, but you were convenient to give her attention.

Lord only knows what mistakes you made in your first few emails with her.

But in any event, the day she met you for lunch and fed you the story of how she couldn't leave because she had to cover people for work... that was the moment you should've said, "Oh, that's too bad! Let's do this another time when it's better for you" and dropped her.

So, the story only goes downhill from there because you didn't catch that she was not interested in you romantically and only interested in using you, and since you helped keep it going, it had nowhere to go but down, sorry to say.
 

ferggy99

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Mr. Me said:
Actually, the first mistake you made was made way back from what I read when you thought she was into you, when she really wasn't, but you were convenient to give her attention.

Lord only knows what mistakes you made in your first few emails with her.

But in any event, the day she met you for lunch and fed you the story of how she couldn't leave because she had to cover people for work... that was the moment you should've said, "Oh, that's too bad! Let's do this another time when it's better for you" and dropped her.

So, the story only goes downhill from there because you didn't catch that she was not interested in you romantically and only interested in using you, and since you helped keep it going, it had nowhere to go but down, sorry to say.
Maybe she was maybe she wasn't! But who the **** knows what she was really doing. I think it was more along the lines her being a little excited at first, becuase I told her what we had in commom (which happened to be quite a bit in the end). So I was either dumb because I thought it made me look like more of a man because I was willing to stand up for what I saw, or a chump. Then it may have been a game after that, it may have not. I honestly think that not every girl is out to play somone, I also could just be naive. But I do appreciate all the advice from everyone here. I had forgotten what it was like to be man! I used to be one and act like one in my last two years of high school and my frist two years of college. Before my ex took my balls as a trophy. She was the worst mistake I ever made!

I also plan to remember the way I was! I was one of the natural DJ's I used my charm, charisma, intelligence, and my abilties of being a great conversationalist to get anyone woman to talk to me. In high school I always had the hottest girls in school after me, same with college. I had hot chicks take classes because of me! So I know how to do it, just got lost along the way. I just need to get back out there and hit it again. Get my groove back. But as far as constant contact with this girl...you can forgett that! I know better. I want her to have one imgage of me one way and then after a while of not being around and talking to her, or anything else. Let her see who I really always was! But hey if that does happen and still does not bite...I am sure I will have picked up plenty of great ones all along the way!
 

Latinoman

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You were not a "Man" (or "man") in High School or even the first two years of college. You were a kid...make no mistake about that. So...let's be reallistic...you have probably NEVER experience what being a Man really is.
 

ferggy99

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Latinoman said:
You were not a "Man" (or "man") in High School or even the first two years of college. You were a kid...make no mistake about that. So...let's be reallistic...you have probably NEVER experience what being a Man really is.
Oh yea I have! Sometimes you just get lost in AFC...it happened to me.
 

guru1000

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Role Reversal.

Her interest level in you is identical to your interest in a 400 lb woman with 4 chins.

She was a VERY VERY NICE girl to deal with you as long as she did. How long would you have been cordial to a 400 lb woman who actively pursued you???

Next time entertain high interest level ONLY.
 

ferggy99

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guru1000 said:
Role Reversal.

Her interest level in you is identical to your interest in a 400 lb woman with 4 chins.

She was a VERY VERY NICE girl to deal with you as long as she did. How long would you have been cordial to a 400 lb woman who actively pursued you???

Next time entertain high interest level ONLY.
I was always questioning her interest lvl from the start. It was high for the frist two months. Then when her ex got him self all fuked up, she ran to go fix, so right then and there I should have walked away, because if she truly was into to me she would have been trying to get in touch with me. I became to accessible for her. I commuticated to her too much. I had no life at the time. All very very big mistakes! Looking at all the things I did wrong, I am not suprised at all that she has ZERO interest in me what so ever. Right now to her...I am about as exciting as going to her grandma's house on a sunday! I deserved what I got...and there is no one to blame but me! Weather that can be changed since I was trying to make friends and never did date her...I have no idea probably not. I guess if she ever contacts me again then I will know, otherwise I am in her personal oblivillion of male friends (which she has a ton of).
 

Bible_Belt

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You think seeing you once a month and halfway blowing you off even then is high interest? You seem to be taking her words at face value. That is a big mistake. Look at her actions; that is all that matters.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but when she said that she liked you, she was really talking to herself, trying to convince herself that the bvllsh!t she was feeding you was true. Logically, she knows that you are a smarter choice than her nutball boyfriend, but the emotion is just not there. She struggles between her logical side that led her to all of those male friends like you and her emotional side, which cannot be explained, yet controls her. That is the internal conflict of every woman. I have been on both sides, and I can tell you that it is much better to be the illogical bad boy that she lusts after than it is to be the logical nice guy whom she tries hard to convince herself that she likes. One guy gets the pvssy wet and the other guy does not. If you're not the guy who makes her wet, then you need to find another girl.
 

ferggy99

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Bible_Belt said:
You think seeing you once a month and halfway blowing you off even then is high interest? You seem to be taking her words at face value. That is a big mistake. Look at her actions; that is all that matters.

I'm not saying this to be mean, but when she said that she liked you, she was really talking to herself, trying to convince herself that the bvllsh!t she was feeding you was true. Logically, she knows that you are a smarter choice than her nutball boyfriend, but the emotion is just not there. She struggles between her logical side that led her to all of those male friends like you and her emotional side, which cannot be explained, yet controls her. That is the internal conflict of every woman. I have been on both sides, and I can tell you that it is much better to be the illogical bad boy that she lusts after than it is to be the logical nice guy whom she tries hard to convince herself that she likes. One guy gets the pvssy wet and the other guy does not. If you're not the guy who makes her wet, then you need to find another girl.
You're absolutely right in everyway. Her initial actions may have shown interest, but when her nutball ex came back and had her emotional side and got her all wet, that was when I was titering on the edge of friendzone and looking less and less like a romantic option. Then from there I pretty much just sealed my own grave. I should have walked away...as soon as he showed up! That was the perfect time to go siclent. Now we are "friends" (if that is even really true) that she does not want to given any false hopes too.

So tell me bible...you are more experienced than me! She has whatever we have in total siclence right now...even worth the friendship? I am starting to wonder. I mean yea sure there is a very very small chance that I could see her again, after a long break and sweep her off her feet and do all the things I should have done to start with. But what is the end value?

Here is my total problem. I spent 3 months evaluating the situation with her. Figuering out a way to test interest level. Everytime I would check it it all checked out. That was looking at her actions not her words. She was consistant with everything she told me and did...Everything! I think the major issue was never her, but me. She wants someone that is going to man up, take charge, and treat her like a lady. I never did two things. I never maned up with her and I never talked to her romanticly.
 

Bible_Belt

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I spent 3 months evaluating the situation with her.

Did you have nothing else going on? I doubt it, or you would not be obsessing over her so much. If you were fvcking other girls, then you should not care about her so much.

And yeah, I do have a lot of experience. So do the rest of the guys who told you to forget about this girl. That experience includes victories, but it is mostly failures. Here is my own AFC oneitis thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126708

I posted again a few months ago on the second to last page of the thread. That former oneitis wants me back now, but I am much happier with the girl asleep in my bed as I type this. She never gave me a single bit of the bvllsh!t that your girl gave you. We fvcked on the first date (had dated in high school, lost touch for 15 years), and then again on every date after that. She has never once not returned calls within a few minutes, and is never too busy for me. A girl with real interest wants you in her bed every night.
 

ferggy99

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Bible_Belt said:
I spent 3 months evaluating the situation with her.

Did you have nothing else going on? I doubt it, or you would not be obsessing over her so much. If you were fvcking other girls, then you should not care about her so much.

And yeah, I do have a lot of experience. So do the rest of the guys who told you to forget about this girl. That experience includes victories, but it is mostly failures. Here is my own AFC oneitis thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=126708

I posted again a few months ago on the second to last page of the thread. That former oneitis wants me back now, but I am much happier with the girl asleep in my bed as I type this. She never gave me a single bit of the bvllsh!t that your girl gave you. We fvcked on the first date (had dated in high school, lost touch for 15 years), and then again on every date after that. She has never once not returned calls within a few minutes, and is never too busy for me. A girl with real interest wants you in her bed every night.
Her interest level in me was entierly my fault! I never did the things that I needed to do...end of story! Men make or break interest. I gave her nothing to chase, nothing to wonder about, nothing to leave her hanging or lusting for me. If I had done it right then yea...I would not even be on here. Oh well...
 

mikeraw

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I think you're still in denial, fergie99... I can see it in your words. You're reading everybody's posts and ignoring what you don't like it and hanging on to every word with even the slightest hint of hope in it. I recognize this because that's the way I was a few years ago.

It may seem impossible to imagine right now, but you WILL stop having feelings for this girl. You may never forget her, but romantically, you will lose interest in her. Even then, you sorta creeped her out with your behavior, so I highly doubt that she'll ever give you a chance to even get close enough to talk to her.

In 3 years, if she sees you in the mall, she might hide before you see her. Soon, I'm sure she'll take you off her MySpace... and that phone number? Yup... it'll change. So just forget about this girl in a decisive manner. The only way you'll ever have NORMAL contact with her again is if you randomly go to the same party or something and even then, wait to get "introduced".

On a related note... I've noticed that the people on this forum that really know what they're talking about only tend to help those who WANT to help THEMSELVES.

(Boy am I glad I've kept a bunch of posts to myself! hahha)
 
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