Need some advice from someone outside the situation

[Itsjustme]

Here's the story, have been dating this girl for almost a year she cheated on me with her ex of 3 years in the first 3 months while we were dating. I was fully expecting that to happen as she was still going out with him when we first started seeing each other. i knew that relationship wasnt just going to go away overnight and I even told her to do whatever she wants with her ex, I just don't want to hear about it..I guess she took that advice to the extreme lol

Somewhere along the line I told her if she wanted to be with me she wasnt allowed to see him anymore. her response was "that's already taken care of" she had actually not only deleted him but also deleted all his friends from her FB before I even said anything so i'm pretty sure she was telling the truth and as far as I know he's been out of the picture for awhile now.

Anyway things accelerated pretty fast from there she actually started moving all her clothes in, she would go grocery shopping with her own money also buy me cigarettes and beer even though she hates that I smoke. did the laundry, cleaned the house, made dinner everything was great but maybe things were moving too fast because we were spending every day and night togethor then the makeup/breakup cycle began. I ditched her a couple times she ditched me a couple times but everytime we breakup she ends up begging to get back togethor.

I'm just starting to wonder if this girl is bpd or is just being a 26 year old or what.. She's cute i'd say best i've ever had when things are good both in bed and in the kitchen and is just all around fun to be with. It's all the breakup/makeup stuff thats getting to me.

This last time shes the one that broke up but now that she wants to get back togethor again I found out she has a guy living with her, her roomate who's a girl asked her if this guy could sleep on their couch for a month and she said yes. the thing is this girl does some crazy stuff sometimes she has her little lingerie fashion shows and has her girl roomate take pictures and send them to me, she gets drunk as hell while doing it which was always ok because she was home but now theres a dude living there.

Am I wrong to tell her it's over? Is it me? I can't lie a hot little 26 year old like this doesnt come around for me everyday especially being 41 and i'm really not a player, im always just myself.. I do love her and I really don't want to lose her but I don't want to become a sucker in the process either.

 

[Itsjustme]

Here's the email she just sent me:

Let me start by saying, I hope **** had a lovely birthday celebration. I am sure it was a nice evening with the family. The picnic was fun - watching **** play kick ball was hilarious. I went to dinner with **** afterwards (we got Vietnamese.. yum). I wanted to call you but thought it might be best if I left you alone (which it was very hard not to bother you).






As for when you asked me what has changed....



the past week was extremely trying for me.. its clear to me that I can't help, hide, nor control my feelings for you (not that I was trying to hide, help, or control them - I wanted to see how I felt when we reconnected and as I suspected; it is inevitable that I must be with you). I am not referring to my attraction to you (although it is also clear to me that I can't deny it is very intense). I am referring to genuine feelings.. not lust, or the chase, or anything - I genuinely just want you. I don't want to just be your friend, I don't want to be some girl you screw, I don't want to simply flirt with you at work and we never talk outside of stage days.. I want you. I want to commit to an us (I can commit to an us.. FYI). I am not asking to be your future wife. I am not asking you to make me your girlfriend (right away)... I'm asking if we date - nobody else involved.. just you & I dating each other.




I know i've talked about wanting to discover who I am and what I want - what I've discovered is that nothing seems to be worth while if I don't have you to share it with. I sincerely and deeply missed not talking or seeing you this weekend. I did not like the feeling of being rejected when asking to see you nor do I like being laughed at, then turned down when asking to see you. I enjoy seeing your face. I like hearing about your day. I cherish your hugs. I adore your kisses. I feel like the/my world isn't right if we aren't in it together.




I realize you told me today that due to my current living situation - you do not want to talk to me or date me (not sure now as to how you phrased it) - but I'm asking you to talk to me, to hang out with me, I give me hugs, etc. We can secure our friendship and start stronger than before. My living situation is to be short term (a month at most according to ******). I can make an honest effort to not get drunk at home, I have been wearing clothes 24/7, I am aware of self-control and I know I've got the ability to not partake in any behavior that would me you uneasy. I want to be good to you. I'm working on cutting out all the extra bull**** out of my life and focus on me, what makes me happy, and start living the life I want. Tomorrow is not a guarantee - I am trying to make the most of every day that I'm given. That means surrounding myself with people I love.. and I love you.




I am aware this is asking a lot of you. I am not asking you to make any decisions now. I am simply telling you my desire in the future. Its no rush, I feel like things went south once we started rushing and I really want this to be a healthy relationship (if that even is something you'd be interested in at some point in the future or even now).




I hope this email is one consistent train of thought and addresses your concerns. You don't even have to reply I simply wanted to share my thoughts, feelings, and wishes.

P.S. She also deleted her FB account, this girl had 3000 friends.. and changed her phone number recently of her own accord, it seems like she's really trying that's what got me talking to her again.. I honestly thought it was over I just don't know anymore.

 

[Iceberg]

You might be a Harvard educated lawyer for all I know, but when I read your story, I can't help but picture two people in some kind of trailer park or housing project.

Here's the story, have been dating this girl for almost a year she cheated on me with her ex of 3 years in the first 3 months while we were dating.

I even told her to do whatever she wants with her ex, I just don't want to hear about it.

Anyway things accelerated pretty fast from there she actually started moving all her clothes in, she would go grocery shopping with her own money also buy me cigarettes and beer even though she hates that I smoke.

Come on, man. We both know that this is the script from every singe Jerry Springer episode.

I'm just starting to wonder if this girl is bpd or is just being a 26 year old or what...

Don't blame this on anything or anyone aside from yourself. You are volunteering to be the victim of this sh*t.

As 30 year old man, I've dated 21 year olds with more sense than this. Don't blame it on youth.

the thing is this girl does some crazy stuff sometimes she has her little lingerie fashion shows and has her girl roomate take pictures and send them to me, she gets drunk as hell while doing it which was always ok because she was home but now theres a dude living there.

Once again...just tell me which trailer you're living in, and I'll come by and have a real heart to heart with you. We'll down a couple 40oz's, maybe some MadDog, and get this all hammered out.

Listen, this is NOT behavior that would be accepted by any respectable, high-value man. Take your most respected friend or family member. Now imagine him saying to you, "Ah it's no big deal. My girlfriend just likes to get trashed and walk around in lingerie. Every girl does that right? I mean....she's 26. That's normal, right?"

It's the behavior of human garbage. I'm sorry, but it is. Are you both heroin addicts? Because that's the only way I could envision you thinking this is normal.

I mean, you asked for an outside opinion, so I'm giving you one. I'm talking to a dude who's cool with his girl cheating on him, having wild mood swings, breaking up, making up, getting trashed and prancing around in her underwear...and you're cool with this because she buys you beer and cigarettes.

Do you blame me for envisioning you as a guy who's sitting on a plaid couch in a coffee stained wife beater watching Wheel of Fortune with a can of Bud in his hands?

Yeah, I'm saying mean things. But I'm saying it because I want your attention. I want you to realize what you sound like. I want you to think about where you want to be in life and the people you're allowing into your home....the home where you're supposed to be building your dreams.

Am I wrong to tell her it's over? Is it me? I can't lie a hot little 26 year old like this doesnt come around for me everyday especially being 41 and i'm really not a player, im always just myself.. I do love her and I really don't want to lose her but I don't want to become a sucker in the process either.

Oh really? I couldn't tell that you were having trouble getting women. I couldn't tell that you're only considering this crazy woman because you're desperate and lonely. I couldn't tell that this was a sick, co-dependent, parasitic, cancerous relationship.

Listen buddy- Work out. Travel. Read. Adventure. The day you realize that you can get pretty women with good personalities who AREN'T batsh*t crazy, is the day you laugh about how sad it was that you even CONSIDERED keeping this girl in your life.

You CAN do better. I'm serious. I don't know you, but you CAN. This is not normal. This woman will not become a good wife. She will not be the mother of your kids. She will not be good at managing your household. She is self destructive....and honestly, you might be too.....and the two of you together is like Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

P.S. She also deleted her FB account, this girl had 3000 friends.. and changed her phone number recently of her own accord, it seems like she's really trying that's what got me talking to her again.. I honestly thought it was over I just don't know anymore.

Oh really? Wow.

That's how you can tell when a person is ready to change. When they delete Facebook.

Listen, I'm all about hope, and forgiveness, but people don't change. You're not going to change (as noted by the fact that you're considering keeping this woman), and she's not going to change. Maybe she'll be tamed a little bit. Temporarily. But she is who she is.

 

[backbreaker]

why would you even want to put up with this bull**** anyway? she's creating her own real life soap opera. no broad is worth that. have some balls man tell her to get lost and go ghost. you can and will do better.

self confidence, self esteem starts with the little things, like saying you know what.. i deserve to be treated better than this even if it means single.

 

[Itsjustme]

I appreciate the wake up calls, it's just hard I try my best to avoid her but I see her almost everyday at work. This morning she came up and hugged me but I didnt reciprocate just stood there with arms at my side and she bawled her eyes out in front of me and then sends me this email.. That's how she sucks me back in every time.. She seems so sincere.. And we had so many good times togethor, I guess I need to start focusing on the bad times and try my best to forget about her. It's just hard to hurt her, I guess it's the age difference I feel like shes a little kid and doesn't even realize what shes doing but maybe that's just her playing that angle.

 

[Itsjustme]

That hit home samspade, just replied to her email:

"Every one needs to suffer through a broken heart every once in awhile, even you.

It's not what I want to do, it's what i have to do."


It's AFC i'm sure..but damn it felt good to say it, now I just gotta stay strong and stick to it.. Time to go ghost but I'm sure it's not the last i'm gonna hear from her..

 

[Iceberg]

I appreciate the wake up calls, it's just hard I try my best to avoid her but I see her almost everyday at work. This morning she came up and hugged me but I didnt reciprocate just stood there with arms at my side and she bawled her eyes out in front of me and then sends me this email..

So again, to an outsider like myself, it sounds like she decided to start your morning with drama.

Hug. Bawling. Email....all within the range of your workplace. Yeah, she's got you roped in to the emotional rollercoaster. You're on for the ride.

And you're thinking, "She's hugging me, and crying. That's cute. How sincere."

And I'm thinking, "Seriously? You couldn't have waited til we're NOT at work...until it's NOT morning? There are literally hundreds of other ways she could have done this."

But I think this way because I know that women like her cannot do things in a mature way....they always do things in the most dramatic way. The world is Hollywood to them, and you're just a stage for them to walk all over.

It's just hard to hurt her, I guess it's the age difference I feel like shes a little kid and doesn't even realize what shes doing but maybe that's just her playing that angle.

There's no maybe about it. And she's not a little kid. She's a grown woman. There are plenty of 26 year old girls who are capable of having healthy relationships. Plenty.

I get the feeling that you want to get her back. And I bet you're thinking that "laying down the law" with some "strict ultimatums" will do the trick. In you're deepest, manlies voice, you'll tell her, "HERE ARE THE GROUND RULES. NO MORE X, Y, AND Z." And you'll tell yourself that maybe, once she gets older she'll calm down and start treatin' you right.

I'll say flat out...you need a life. Because this girl shouldn't even be a blip on your radar. I think you're considering this because you think you need a woman...I think that perhaps you don't have any career goals. Perhaps you don't have hobbies. Travel destinations. Friends to hang with on weekends. I think that you're lonely, bored, and complacent. And I think you need to shake yourself out of it.

 

[Itsjustme]

I'm at a good place in my career, your right about the lonely bored and complacent though. I just bought my house about 6 months ago feel like i'm finally getting it togethor and this girl was along for the ride. She helped me alot during the process and is part of the reason I finally got it togethor but now she's just dragging me down. It's hard to let go.. I'm not gonna lie but I guess it's what i need to do. I got my career, my house and my stabilty in order. I guess it's time to start working on my social life. I've got a lot of friends (Mostly from work) I'm just not a very social person.

But i'm really gonna try my best, i'm ghost from here on out, talking about it certainly helps.

 

[Nutz]

"she cheated on me with her ex of 3 years in the first 3 months while we were dating."

All was lost when you took her back. Move on my friend, move on.

 

[Die Hard]

Throw this cvnt in the trashcan, man... Who cares if you're an old man and she's a young cutie pie? You feel you should be lucky that she wants to be with you? That's a mistake... If she was a young cutie pie who's actually GOOD to you, that would truly be something to cherish but this??? This girl is gonna fvck you up! Her age and looks are just like the singing of the mythical mermaids who lured sailors towards crashing their ships on the cliffs. Get yourself under fvcking control and get away from this bytch...

Do not count yourself lucky with this young cutie pie, you should count yourself UNLUCKY with her. Youth and good looks are not the only things to take into the equation, my friend. Sure, if you were only out to fvck her, it would be that simple. But you actually say you LOVE her...and in that case, it is far more important how she treats you and what her character is like! Well, I can tell you this: She might look like an 8 or even better, but her character and behavior get a 3.

Like I said, throw her in the trashcan, she is garbage. Have a little respect for yourself, goddamnit, set some standards for yourself! Do you want a bytch that treats you bad? Who wants that??? I don't care how good she looks, if she treats you bad, you need to get rid of her. Or else, face the consequences. And those won't be pretty, I can promise you that, seeing as you LOVE her... This girl is gonna emotionally RAPE you, if you don't get away from her.

 

[sodbuster]

I have a feeling we've all seen this before.... probably see him here in a month complaining about her again. YOU need to EDUCATE her! IF more men would dump women who act like this,less women would do it.

 

[AW1983]

That's how she sucks me back in every time.. She seems so sincere..

Oh man, listen to me, I had one of these right when I got started with women after a long marriage to a good woman (my first), so I was completely unprepared.

But even knowing nothing about game and women in general I still tossed her after a month and a half of that crap. Found out later from associates that she'd successfully strung other guys along for YEARS with this crap prior to me. This girl could conjure tears and sincerity up there with silver screen's best. And yes she was hot and yes the sex was insane.

It was traumatic due to my inexperience but I'm glad it happened early in my (pre)DJ career because it taught me the red flags early on. This is BPD all the way man, and they have no soul so they will feed on yours. Trust me you'll look back and shake your head at yourself. Move on brother.

 

[Itsjustme]

Made it through the day, had to have her print a couple emails for me for work purposes but kept it to "can you please print this for me" via email and then a simple thanks when I went into the office to get it from her.

I had to be in the office alot today but i didn't talk to her, when she saw me she started singing "I don't want anybody else but you" then apologized. I had my back to her and didnt acknowledge any of it, just pretended I didn't hear. Then later I was standing about 20 feet from her talking to a colleague and she screamed out "MOTHER F" in front of everybody not sure what that was about again back was turned and i didn't acknowledge it.

I'm still thinking about her but i'm not showing it at all.. Trying my best to keep this up until the feelings go away. I really fell hard for this girl and she knows it, thats why she controlled the frame.

I let her come over last Thursday and we had sex a couple times but I didn't let her spend the night then I refused her offers to come over the next couple days and she actually texted me " You have all the power, this is no fun!"

Starting to see things in a different light, I've been a chump/doormat in this relationship for sure but those days are over.

 

[Iceberg]

I had to be in the office alot today but i didn't talk to her, when she saw me she started singing "I don't want anybody else but you" then apologized.

Do you realize how batsh*t crazy that is?

You understand that break up or no break up, normal girls don't do things like this? Especially in the office.

Then later I was standing about 20 feet from her talking to a colleague and she screamed out "MOTHER F" in front of everybody not sure what that was about again back was turned and i didn't acknowledge it.

Now remember....this is the woman who you thought was changing her ways because she, uh, deleted her Facebook account or whatever.

She's nuts.

Starting to see things in a different light, I've been a chump/doormat in this relationship for sure but those days are over.

Awesome. Keep up the good work. And please, for your own sake, keep this girl out of your home and your life. I guarantee you that you can and will do better. You're lonely now, but better things are on the horizon.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Keep it up, mate. Be strong, be a rock, be a man!
It'll get tougher before it gets better but you seem to have the right mindset.
I've had a few situations with girls from work and it sucks having to see them every damn day but just keep your interactions brief, courteous, professional and bland.
You're doing well, just don't give in to weakness and be careful about sexual harassment lawsuits.
You'll need to keep all email correspondence between you and if you interact at work, it has to be in front of witnesses.
If she decides one day to go all cluster B, you'll need to produce evidence to counter her "he dumped me and then went out of his way to make my work-life really hard" bullsht.

 

[In2theGame]

Do you realize how batsh*t crazy that is?

You understand that break up or no break up, normal girls don't do things like this? Especially in the office.



Now remember....this is the woman who you thought was changing her ways because she, uh, deleted her Facebook account or whatever.

She's nuts.



Awesome. Keep up the good work. And please, for your own sake, keep this girl out of your home and your life. I guarantee you that you can and will do better. You're lonely now, but better things are on the horizon.

Agree with Ice on this one.

 

[Itsjustme]

Do you realize how batsh*t crazy that is?

You understand that break up or no break up, normal girls don't do things like this? Especially in the office.



Now remember....this is the woman who you thought was changing her ways because she, uh, deleted her Facebook account or whatever.

She's nuts.



Awesome. Keep up the good work. And please, for your own sake, keep this girl out of your home and your life. I guarantee you that you can and will do better. You're lonely now, but better things are on the horizon.

Can't wait for that day to come.. It's funny when we first met she would run around the stage asking everyone where her boyfriend was (meaning me) and this was before we had even gone out. She would practically stalk me making up excuses to run into me. At one point she actually asked me how it made me feel (she was acknowledging the stalking), I told her it was flattering because it really was..

It's kinda hard to give that up, I mean nothing has ever made me feel better about myself than having a woman go this bat**** crazy over me, especially a hot little 26 year old but I guess in the end that's what I need to fix about myself. Just need to figure out how to get there.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I've just been there. She was 23, cute and great in the sack.
The ego boost was sensational and when she ditched me for a younger man , I was crushed.
Not so much about being dumped, but that my young, little piece of fluff was gone, as was my increased feelings of self worth.
But I know if I keep improving myself, I'll get someone better and more worthy of my emotional investment.
She's texted and emailed a few times but I haven't replied. I had to email her once about a work issue but it was one line and very, very formal.
She even commented that she didn't like how I was so formal now and that she misses me.
I didn't reply. You gotta say goodbye to bad rubbish.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Iceberg,
"Come on, man. We both know that this is the script from every single Jerry Springer episode."Well she should know I think she Ghost writes for Gerry....Pretty harmless really!

 

[Itsjustme]

double post..