Need serious help getting rid of approach anxiety

[thunder_god]

Approach anxiety has seriously been holding me back from progressing in my journey from acf to dj. Sometimes its a little more manageable while other times its completely paralysing. Lately approach anxiety has been so bad that it takes me several hours just to do one approach. I can't keep on letting it hold me back so I need some solutions to shatter this internal mental block.

 

[Sino Zane]

How do you have so much rep if you aren't even over the anxiety of approaching women?

Anyhow, start off small by going up to girls to merely ask for help finding a specific location.

This is walking up to a girl.

This isn't defusing a bomb or walking through a war zone, my friend.

When you walk up, just smile and say, "Excuse me, would you happen to know where XYZ is?" Given her answer, you can either drop it from there or keep going by trying to be funny or whatever. Ask her how she's doing. Or ask her what's she's up to. Introduce yourself. Engage in small-talk, casual conversation. Get her number. Say goodbye and that you'll be texting her soon, and then leave.

 

[Bible_Belt]

"Approaches" are just practice for those times when you are not out looking for girls, and a smiling girl who likes you just happens to pop into your life. You have about three seconds to not fvck it up. And that's a lot easier to accomplish if you have made yourself do approaches.

Sales jobs are really tough, but they teach you how to talk to people. I sold vacuum cleaners when I was 19. I learned a lot at that job. I once talked a woman into making her husband give me his motorcycle in an even-up trade for a vacuum cleaner. It was his drag race project. And damn was that bike fast.

 

[thunder_god]

How do you have so much rep if you aren't even over the anxiety of approaching women?

Anyhow, start off small by going up to girls to merely ask for help finding a specific location.

This is walking up to a girl.

This isn't defusing a bomb or walking through a war zone, my friend.

When you walk up, just smile and say, "Excuse me, would you happen to know where XYZ is?" Given her answer, you can either drop it from there or keep going by trying to be funny or whatever. Ask her how she's doing. Or ask her what's she's up to. Introduce yourself. Engage in small-talk, casual conversation. Get her number. Say goodbye and that you'll be texting her soon, and then leave.

I can already do this, but when I'm thinking about doing cold approaches like trying to pick them up I always freeze up and end up not approaching. I've already amassed over 150 approaches but the anxiety just won't go away.

 

[hudpes]

How long from the idea forming in your head "I want to bang this chick" until you make the first step to walk to her?

Also, being a social dancer it became a natural thing for me to approach girls and at one point it became utterly irrelevant how hot the girl looked, it can be a 10 and my heart doesn't skip a beat. I did notice one thing though, initially I took some time to pick one and I caught myself thinking about it, like when to go get her and I could feel some resistance in me rising. If your mind doesn't have time to hamsterwheel the idea, you won't be as anxious.

 

[Dreama]

I can already do this, but when I'm thinking about doing cold approaches like trying to pick them up I always freeze up and end up not approaching. I've already amassed over 150 approaches but the anxiety just won't go away.

I've been where you are, And I know exactly what you mean.

But let me tell you some truth that nobody seems to mention.

Having anxiety or not having it doesn't make you attractive or unattractive.

Girls look at other things, and if they are attracted to you, your anxiety doesn't make you less attractive. not even one bit. In fact it makes it look cute.

Tell her "I don't do this regularly, this is kinda weird, but you look so nice that I had to talk to you "

She will sense your anxiety but she will be more encouraging, she knows you are authentic. Not a player without a heart.

Be thankful for your anxiety.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

OP:

As has been said before herein, anxiety (it can be positive or negative) is the product of potentially fulfilled or unfulfilled need and expectation.

Common needs include, but are not limited to: companionship, sex, friendship, fellow-feeling, mental stimulation, social validation, entertainment, amusement.

Common expectations include, but are not limited to: this person will like me, this person will not like me, this person will accept me, this person will reject me, this person will fulfil my needs, this person will not fulfil my needs, I will/will not fulfil this person's needs and expectations.

Negative anxiety accumulates in to desperation as results of unfulfilled need and expectation. As Pook says, 'Kill the desperation':


"Being a Don Juan is not a net sum of smooth manuevers and methods but of your own outlook on the world and on women. ANYONE can memorize 'techniques', but FEW can change the way HOW they think. Women will be able to sniff out the former. But with the latter, women will be clawing each other for you. A Don Juan is a state of mind, not a list of methods and tricks."

In short, approach for the sake of approaching, because it's fun, because you want to. Yes, your needs and expectations are driving you, but they need to be latent manifestations, rather than overtly conscious motivations. It is difficult to explain, but the message always pedalled, which I agree with it outcome independence. Getting a number, a kiss or a even a lay should be inconsequential to the act of talking to a woman. It may be a consequence of talking to a woman, but one needs to forget that at least consciously, in order to realise the consequence.

Your anxiety is solely born from your consciousness of potential consequences of your actions and the impact of those consequences uopon your needs and expectations. If you haven't try The Book of Pook. For me it is as good, if not better than the DJB.

http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/book_of_pook.pdf

 

[JaegerPilot217]

I've been where you are, And I know exactly what you mean.

But let me tell you some truth that nobody seems to mention.

Having anxiety or not having it doesn't make you attractive or unattractive.

Girls look at other things, and if they are attracted to you, your anxiety doesn't make you less attractive. not even one bit. In fact it makes it look cute.

Tell her "I don't do this regularly, this is kinda weird, but you look so nice that I had to talk to you "

She will sense your anxiety but she will be more encouraging, she knows you are authentic. Not a player without a heart.

Be thankful for your anxiety.

Im sure some women are like that but the majority are repulsed by innocent guys

 

[JohnnyStorm]

I've been where you are, And I know exactly what you mean.

But let me tell you some truth that nobody seems to mention.

Having anxiety or not having it doesn't make you attractive or unattractive.

Girls look at other things, and if they are attracted to you, your anxiety doesn't make you less attractive. not even one bit. In fact it makes it look cute.

Tell her "I don't do this regularly, this is kinda weird, but you look so nice that I had to talk to you "

She will sense your anxiety but she will be more encouraging, she knows you are authentic. Not a player without a heart.

Be thankful for your anxiety.

I think this will only work on actual nice girls.
I'd recommend approaching with a genuine interest or question in mind.
As her whether that coffee is worth buying as opposed to the one that you bought. Ask her what she thought of the gig/film/etc. If the conversation dries up, just say thanks and get on with your life.

You are only anxious as you have a goal in mind that isn't being fufilled, if your goal is just to ask her where she bought her converse trainers then it's a win even if she just replies "Forever 21".

 

[bcollarmechanic]

i dont know if you can truly get rid of anxiety, but what works for me is just trying your best to not give a fvck, so she says no when you ask her for her number, move on

if she says no the end result is always the same, its just a no nothing more

you do it for the times where you get a yes

the fear of rejection his what gives us anxiety, as humans were naturally afraid of rejection

 

[Vulpine]

"WAAAAAAHHHH!! I'm scurred this girl that's smiling at me is suddenly going to beat my ass if I start talking to her! Somebody protect me!"

Go read the Bible. The link's at the bottom of the page. It that doesn't work on you...
*smacks with bamboo cane* "AGAIN!"

Try running a search for "approach anxiety".

I mean, really, what do you want from us? To drag you up to a woman by your twisted ear like your mommy dragging you out of the cereal isle after a temper tantrum? "You better start talking to her, young man, or I'll give you something to talk about!"

"Serious help" As if your anxiety is SOoooOOOO much more, or different, or somehow "more unique" than any DJ before you who's ever been nervous. Get over yourself and focus on HER.
:kick:

 

[thunder_god]

OP:

As has been said before herein, anxiety (it can be positive or negative) is the product of potentially fulfilled or unfulfilled need and expectation.

Common needs include, but are not limited to: companionship, sex, friendship, fellow-feeling, mental stimulation, social validation, entertainment, amusement.

Common expectations include, but are not limited to: this person will like me, this person will not like me, this person will accept me, this person will reject me, this person will fulfil my needs, this person will not fulfil my needs, I will/will not fulfil this person's needs and expectations.

Negative anxiety accumulates in to desperation as results of unfulfilled need and expectation. As Pook says, 'Kill the desperation':


"Being a Don Juan is not a net sum of smooth manuevers and methods but of your own outlook on the world and on women. ANYONE can memorize 'techniques', but FEW can change the way HOW they think. Women will be able to sniff out the former. But with the latter, women will be clawing each other for you. A Don Juan is a state of mind, not a list of methods and tricks."

In short, approach for the sake of approaching, because it's fun, because you want to. Yes, your needs and expectations are driving you, but they need to be latent manifestations, rather than overtly conscious motivations. It is difficult to explain, but the message always pedalled, which I agree with it outcome independence. Getting a number, a kiss or a even a lay should be inconsequential to the act of talking to a woman. It may be a consequence of talking to a woman, but one needs to forget that at least consciously, in order to realise the consequence.

Your anxiety is solely born from your consciousness of potential consequences of your actions and the impact of those consequences uopon your needs and expectations. If you haven't try The Book of Pook. For me it is as good, if not better than the DJB.

http://www.djbible.classicalgasemissions.com/book_of_pook.pdf

Thanks for the tips, I actually read his pook a few months back. Reading is one thing, implementing is a whole new ballgame.

 

[mrRuckus]

You are going to be dead someday. You have a handful of years and then nothing will matter, surely not a few seconds of worrying about some chick. So just approach.

She's gonna be old and fat soon enough too. She's not special or better than you. She's probably worse than you since she can get by being hot while you have to develop yourself to be attractive, except your built charisma will last a lifetime.

 

[The_411]

Thunder_god,

There are few tactics to help mitigate AA. Cold approaching is difficult and rough and if you're not feeling great about yourself it can feel like torture.

Even the best salesmen can't always cold approach clients.

1. See if there is an event, gathering, meeting etc that puts you in contact with mixed company that forces you to interact. Charity work is a great way to meet people and help people. Other avenues are book clubs, hiking clubs, etc.

2. One of the great AA destroyers is to do approaches with the intent of getting rejected. Instead of trying to get the number your goal is fail. Now that doesn't mean act like an ass, but rather allow yourself to get away from idle small talk and embrace the power of creative speech.

3. As you've done before wingmen can help assuming of course they're not refusing to do any approaches.

4. Just go places to watch people, take notes, etc. Try to find interactions between people and read their body language and see if you can guess what they are saying to each other non-verbally. This helps because you practice reading body language, which men tend to suck at. Once you get a better handle on body language and how to ready it you start to notice that people women are giving off signals to approach.

5. Sometimes you have to get less focused on women (burn-out) and think about having fun and ignore any goals and try to just exist with the intent of being a happy go lucky guy who wants to embrace the fact he is alive that the world is full of possibilities.

6. Always a woman is interested until she shows you she isn't. This relates to getting IOIs from a woman opening you. clearly if a woman is showing you IODs then chances are you've already been shut down and approaching is pointless unless you are challenging yourself to win her over starting from a poor position.

 

[skinnyguy]

Talk to fatties. Your AA will disappear overnight.

 

[thunder_god]

Thunder_god,

There are few tactics to help mitigate AA. Cold approaching is difficult and rough and if you're not feeling great about yourself it can feel like torture.

Even the best salesmen can't always cold approach clients.

1. See if there is an event, gathering, meeting etc that puts you in contact with mixed company that forces you to interact. Charity work is a great way to meet people and help people. Other avenues are book clubs, hiking clubs, etc.

2. One of the great AA destroyers is to do approaches with the intent of getting rejected. Instead of trying to get the number your goal is fail. Now that doesn't mean act like an ass, but rather allow yourself to get away from idle small talk and embrace the power of creative speech.

3. As you've done before wingmen can help assuming of course they're not refusing to do any approaches.

4. Just go places to watch people, take notes, etc. Try to find interactions between people and read their body language and see if you can guess what they are saying to each other non-verbally. This helps because you practice reading body language, which men tend to suck at. Once you get a better handle on body language and how to ready it you start to notice that people women are giving off signals to approach.

5. Sometimes you have to get less focused on women (burn-out) and think about having fun and ignore any goals and try to just exist with the intent of being a happy go lucky guy who wants to embrace the fact he is alive that the world is full of possibilities.

6. Always a woman is interested until she shows you she isn't. This relates to getting IOIs from a woman opening you. clearly if a woman is showing you IODs then chances are you've already been shut down and approaching is pointless unless you are challenging yourself to win her over starting from a poor position.

My intention earlier today was to go out and do 10 cold approaches using a direct opener and get deliberately rejected. I wanted to demolish my ego and fear of rejection but getting rejected so much that I become immune to it. Unfortunately I only managed to do 1 direct opener and got rejected. The other openers were situational openers. I hate that I keep on chickening out of doing this. You would think after doing cold approaches for 2 months now that things would be a lot better but no. Anyways I'm sick of this **** holding me back. Everything else is progressing in my game, I'm teasing more, being more playful, just starting to relax more in conversations, going for closes, being more physical, but this damn approach anxiety is holding me back and pissing me off. I will try to get myself deliberately rejected again tomorrow and hopefully have better luck.

 

[Sino Zane]

My intention earlier today was to go out and do 10 cold approaches using a direct opener and get deliberately rejected. I wanted to demolish my ego and fear of rejection but getting rejected so much that I become immune to it. Unfortunately I only managed to do 1 direct opener and got rejected. The other openers were situational openers. I hate that I keep on chickening out of doing this. You would think after doing cold approaches for 2 months now that things would be a lot better but no. Anyways I'm sick of this **** holding me back. Everything else is progressing in my game, I'm teasing more, being more playful, just starting to relax more in conversations, going for closes, being more physical, but this damn approach anxiety is holding me back and pissing me off. I will try to get myself deliberately rejected again tomorrow and hopefully have better luck.

Listen, bro, who gives a mother**** if she rejects you or not? Seriously, no one gives a **** if you get rejected. I don't. None of the other members here don't. Random people on the street don't either. By approaching women in the first place, you put yourself ahead of 50% of dudes. By approaching women in the first place, people will admire your balls. They admire you for it. No one judges you for getting rejected by women. People judge you for being scared to approach, instead. If you approach and you fail, so what? That's life. If the girl isn't interested in you, so what? That's life. LEARN from each transaction, improve yourself, and move the **** on.

A little anxiety is normal, but it should not be paralyzing to you; it should not be impeding your ability to do what you want in your life.

You need to understand that you are worthy of women; if they do not want you, it doesn't mean that you're inferior, unlovable, or that you're not cool. It just means that that type of girl isn't into your vibe. Somewhere out there, a woman will be. But you will not meet her if you continue chickening out. You also need to practice. You say you want to approach 10 girls? Then do it. Do not disappoint yourself. Tell yourself that you are determined to get over this fear and that you WILL do it.

Read the portion of this post that is bold over and over again, and then go out and talk to 10-15 women. Do not return home until it's over. No one gives a **** if you've been rejected, TRUST me.

 

[The_411]

My intention earlier today was to go out and do 10 cold approaches using a direct opener and get deliberately rejected. I wanted to demolish my ego and fear of rejection but getting rejected so much that I become immune to it. Unfortunately I only managed to do 1 direct opener and got rejected. The other openers were situational openers. I hate that I keep on chickening out of doing this. You would think after doing cold approaches for 2 months now that things would be a lot better but no. Anyways I'm sick of this **** holding me back. Everything else is progressing in my game, I'm teasing more, being more playful, just starting to relax more in conversations, going for closes, being more physical, but this damn approach anxiety is holding me back and pissing me off. I will try to get myself deliberately rejected again tomorrow and hopefully have better luck.

I think the issue is you are thinking that you will do 10 and then be done and boom I'm better.

The better approach would be to say I'm going to do 10 direct openers but if a situation warrants a different application I'll do that and then continue with my 10 openers.

While numbers are important in approaching, quality is of greater importance.

Much better to have 3 great approaches than 10 average approaches, and the quality is not results driven, but rather an honest assessment on how you did in those approaches. Were you confident, were you personable, were you charismatic, etc.

I think another part of approaching difficulty you are could be that you're not recognizing some opening opportunities.

Women want to be opened in most cases. They may not be buying what you are selling but many still want to hear the pitch.

The question becomes did you sell her on why she should be interested/attracted or did she sell you on why she's not interested/attracted?

 

[Formerlyrossitheking]

Start with - 'hey guys.....can you tell me where XXXX is'.

Simple.

The snowball effect should kick in for you.

 

[hudpes]

^^^^Yeah, good one possibly. I think the important thing her is you progress, so don't just do 10 same approaches, but adapt each one to the situation and incorporate what you've learned previously or something your remember from these forums.