Need SERIOUS advice from those who know what they're talking about

[MenAreBetterPeople]

This question is directed to all those who "know the ropes" and who have a lot of experience....

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me exactly 2 months ago. She claims she lost her love for me because we were constantly arguing all the time. She kept warning me over and over that the discussions were affecting the relationship. The arguing was my fault. She claims she felt she wasn't treated right by me.

We're friends now, we've settled everything, and I still deeply love her and wish we were together...the only thing is, she says she doesn't feel the same towards me, that she lost her love. Now let's back up a minute...this is a girl who wanted to marry me, who would profess her love for me on such deep, deep levels, through poems, letters, to my face, etc. She would say so many deep things that convinced me(and it's hard to convince me, cause I always have my wall up, which slowly comes down the better I get to know a woman) she would be around forever. I can't even begin to tell you half of the things she said. She was gonna even relocate for me. I really wanna try and make this work again, I want her to get her love back for me. She wrote to me the other day in an email, and to quote her exactly, she said, "she wants to make a new start in our friendship...a healthy start."

I don't know what to do right now, I'm at a loss. Should I call her frequently to talk??...maybe our new start in our friendship can lead us back into a relationship, maybe she can come around and develop her love for me again?? I'm not sure if it would turn her off if I do this though. Never been in a situation like this before. What should I do, what's the best thing here?? Thanks.

 

[Wyldfire]

Move on...

Once you hit the comfort zone in the relationship and the infatuation began to fade you started arguing. That prevented her from being able to develop real, mature love for you. That's why her feelings have changed. She didn't actually "love" you before...she felt "in love"...which is basically infatuation. Love comes with time and the ability to weather a few storms and still want to be together.

It's over...sorry...but that's just how it is.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Romantic love 'lasts just a year'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4478040.stm

 

[whistler]

Yes...

I'll bet you broke up after the chemicals (the early infatuation stage) ended. That will blind you and make you love-dovey. When it's over though, you see whether you're really compatible. Sounds like you weren't. Sorry

She probably realized she wasn't so attracted to you a while ago and was looking for an excuse to explain her radical shift in perspective.

I've been on her end.

You'll have to move on. She's no doubt certain in her position.

Good luck.

 

[insidious]

She "lost" her love for you because of all the arguments. Unfortunately that is BS and she's grasping at every straw available to lessen the damage on your feelings. What came first, the arguments or the realization this was not The Love she thought it was? What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Look, it takes a concious committment to be with someone. It's a positive and thrilling step and hence, no explanation nor apology is required. Conversely, it takes an equally strong committment to not be with someone any longer. Being such a negatively-charged experience, it is rich in excuses and apologies, and many times, apologetic behavior. Her gestures of friendship? That's guilt talking, in my opinion. She is not a bad person and she probably hates hurting your feelings, but the point is, you cannot and will not change her mind dude. She's trying to wean you and herself away from each other, but that is harmful and poisonous. The only healthy move for both of you is to cut the ties completely. Don't ever think for a moment that you can make love grow back just because there is a dead stump left behind where it used to live.

 

[Hawke]

Her gestures of friendship may not be signs of guilt at all, you do know there are some girls out there who do like a friendship with their ex's? Right insidious? I think that's explained quite a bit on this forum. But i may agree she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings OP, you both shared something good, and even if in the present moment that is faded, i doubt she'll just want to get rid of you.

Personally i'd let go of any chance of having anything with her again, it's easier on both you and her. Trust me, i've been there, as have all the guys giving you this advice. It will only prolong your pain to hold onto hope. If you want her as a friend, then go for it i'd say. Ex's i always like as friends, some sense of that closeness always exists and we always end up having some great laughs.

Just remember, it will not be easy to be friends with an ex. That's why a lot of people will suggest you cut ties, it can cut you deep to see her with another person. If you can cope with that pain, then friendship and possible close friendship is what you'll get.

 

[Wyldfire]

Romantic love 'lasts just a year'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4478040.stm

Not always. My fiance (the one who died)and I had that for the full 5 years we were together. And if you're together long enough it will come and go many, many times over.

 

[insidious]

Her gestures of friendship may not be signs of guilt at all, you do know there are some girls out there who do like a friendship with their ex's? Right insidious? I think that's explained quite a bit on this forum. But i may agree she probably doesn't want to hurt your feelings OP, you both shared something good, and even if in the present moment that is faded, i doubt she'll just want to get rid of you.

Of course there is always that possibility. Can't argue you about that Hawke! Usually the person "leaving" is the person who can handle a post-relationship friendship. The person left behind has a harder time with it. The question here is whether or not MenAreBetterPeople can handle that arrangement. At this point in time he seems to be holding out and he is more likely to try the "friends" thing regardless of how self-destructive it would be.

 

[MenAreBetterPeople]

I forgot to mention that the arguments/discussions all stemmed from me doubting her love for me. She got tired of the doubting and all the arguments. I was overanalyzing and looking too deep into things. I look back on the stuff I doubted her for, and realize, it was stupid.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Now you know these things, and you will be better with the next girl. We all learn from our mistakes.

 

[Hawke]

MenAreBetterPeople, yeah i can understand what you've been through. I was in the same place a long time ago; always doubting how she felt, arguing with her because of it. I lost her, and for a few days all i could think about was getting her back. But then i started to think, i started to remember that there was a pretty good reason why i doubted how she felt. And as i thought more about what we had, the more i realised how it was for the best that we had ended what we had and seperated. As good as she was, the next girl was FAR better.

I can't tell you what will happen in your situation, but do take the time to look at the negative parts to what you had. See the relationship for what it was, and not just the postive parts. And then, no matter what conclusion you come to, learn from all the mistakes you have made. Save yourself from repeating the past.

 

[penkitten]

chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

 

[legolas]

It's too bad you "lowered your wall down" That made you predictable and she didn't have to fight to keep you around anymore.

 

[MightyMate]

If she loved You she woulnd never break up. Move on dude.

 

[Last Man Standing]

She was seeing another dude and he dumped her - now she returns to you for comfort. Don't believe a woman's words or her emotional appeals!! See her and other women - do not be loyal to her!!!