Need insight about Gf lowering sexual drive

[pipe007]

Im deffinitely keeping this up now

however, I run into a challenge on saturday, we got into an argument. we went to a get together, she got really tipsy, she was next to me, but some old guy friend of her popped up and started talking to her, and I kinda felt disconnected in their convo

I could tell he was gaming her, and I was tipsy, I saw that she was very excited to talk to him and hear his story about this girl he met in colombia... So it got to me, I tried not to show I was feeling jealous, but she noticed, and we kinda argued.

How do you guys deal with these situations? whats the line of disrespect? I think I have to laern to manage this, like she hasnt seen him in 2 years, so I understand why she was happy to see him hear from him, but his attitude and his look was deffinitely "im hitting on you"

I feel I have lost some ground after that night, we fixed the problem we are good, I am backing away from her, giving her a lot of space not texting her, but it seems she has become a bit distant as well.

we are leaving on a cruise for a week on friday, so im planning on focusing on myself only, on having a good time, being social, and being non needy around her, kinda ignoring her too. and see how she responds to that.

how could I have handled that situation better? I just felt like a dumb ass sitting next to my gf and watching how they are talking and laughing. It was obvious the guy had game, he was totally ignoring me and focusing on my girl. should I just get up and start talking to other girls in the room next time?

I gotta work on being more social, and on focusing on myself and not my girl when we are in social situations.

but then again, I dont know if I should see this as a red flag, she kept asking him questions about his trip in colombia and that girl he met, it seemed kinda flirty.

is this an issue that can be seen as disrespectful? where do you guys draw the line? am I just to keep that to myself and never bring it up?

 

[Delly2000]

Divest from this girl and start spinning plates man. I think we have all been in your predicament. But I think you are already gone over this girl. I remmember this girl I was dating had a guy friend. They would even go out. But I trusted her. I always felt there could be a possibility she was "seeing him" but I really didn't care too much what she was doing during the initial stages and her and I dated for 5 years. I just didn't sweat what she was doing because I was doing my own thing. She fell in love. She cared about me more than I her..which is how it should be...always.

But there are examples not so distant in the past where I had the upper hand...then I let my feelings get in the way...I lost the frame and I lost the girl to another guy. What she would do would effect my whole day. I lost control.

Your losing control man. Divest emotinally. She knows EXACTLY what she is doing and the effect it is having on you. Don't call her on it..she will just play dumb. She playing a game.

I would say withdraw and let her come to u..but what sucks is that you are due to go on a cruise with her...and I am not sure how it is going to play out with all this game playing and you losing your frame.

The arguments...her flirting with other guys are signs man. You feel it in your gut which is why you are coming here. Don't ignore them. I would tell you do what I couldn't...walk away.

Good luck man.

 

[pipe007]

A good friend of mine told me yesterday, that I shouldnt just give up and walk away at the first speedbump in the relationship, cuz if not I will never be able to have a LTR.

So I'm really gonna give this the benefit of the doubt, Im going to act like a man and keep my distance, let her come to me. I will hope for the best in this cruise, its a week long. I will have my answer by the end of the trip to whether this is gonna work or not.

if she knows what she is doing and if she keeps doing it in purpose to see if I will react with jealousy, well then that is disrespect in my view and I will end things. I might end them in the middle of the cruise week lol that would be not fun at all!

but I will do my best, I been a good person, I have maintained my frame for the most part. she just turned 20, she is just starting to wake up.

she is a good girl, I have to admit. So far she has been respectful. Ive noticed she may start liking a song, and she will play that song over and over 24/7, then a month later, she is like "i hate that song, I wanna change it" and she does.

so i think this is how she handles her life, this is how it was at the begiinning of the relationship, it was exciting for her, it was intense make out ,sex every other day. She wanted to see me every day, and complained that I never would see her in daytime.

well as months passed by, I started seeing her more, and in the mornings (HUGE MISTAKE), AND it got to the point where she felt she didnt wanna see me every day of the week, that we could see each other on weekends and be ok. This is when I have pulled back a lot and start doing my own game... which led me to this thread.

if this is gonna be over soon, then I might as well do my best to become an attractive man, even in front of her, I will start chatting up people and other girls in front of her, and if I attract one, i wont mind too much. I might as well show her that I can get another girl if I really try.

but then again , i feel that if I have to do this. then the relationship is already over.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Whenever you feel something isn't quite right in your gut, what this is is your subconscious awareness alerting you to inconsistencies going on around you. We tend to ignore these signs in the thinking that our rational mind 'knows better' and things really aren't what they seem. It's not as bad as you're imagining, and you can even feel shame or guilt with yourself for recognizing that lack of trust.

However, it's just this internal rationalization that keeps us blind to the obvious that our subconscious is trying to warn us about. Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people's actions. So when that predictable behavior changes (much as you've done with the GF) even marginally, our instinctual perceptions fire off all kinds of warnings.

It's at this point most guys make the mistake of acting on the "good communication solves everything" feminized meme and go the full disclosure truth route, which only really leads to more rationalizations and repression of what's really going on. What they don't realize is that the MEDIUM is the message; her behavior, her nuances and incongruencies in her words and demeanor (and how your gut perceives them) is the real message.

For instance, when you just marginally denied her your (far too available) attention, what happened? Did she resort to some vocalized confessions of you becoming distant, or express some need to rationally communicate to solve a problem? No, her gut instinct recognized incongruencies in your usually predictable behaviors and she reacted by changing her behavior accordingly. You 'caffeinated the hamster', and she took the initiative to react accordingly without you having to say a thing more than give her some plausibly believable breadcrumb of your whereabouts.

Bear this in mind on your cruise; women just want to hear the music and dance; they rarely care about the lyrics, or the measure or the reasons that went into creating the music. The medium IS the message. Be the medium, understand the message in it, but NEVER attempt to explain the medium to her.

Law 9: Win Through Your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think you have gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

 

[Kailex]

I just have to ask out of morbid curiousity, pipe, but this "good friend" of yours, what's his current relationship status?

 

[pipe007]

this has been my own issue

like I said before my 7 past relationships didnt last more than 5-6 months, so with this girl we have hit the 7 month, and my past "baggage" has cripped in.

because I was thinking today, and she has always been sociable, and comfortable talking to guy friends since we started dating. its not like she suddendly is becoming eager to talk to them.

I had a talk with my dad yesterday, and he pretty much told me that nothing kills a woman's admiration and respect than showing reaction and jealousy. he told me of times he has felt jealous of my mom talking to some guy in the past, and to this day he never argued about it, he kept it to himself.

so im gona do what it takes to change that, keep jealousy to myself even if its intense. but at the same, time if she ever crosses the line i will let her know by withdrawing attention and going NC.

ROLLO!
can you elavorate on becoming the medium? not talknig about the medium. is the only technique we have as men our "physical emotional attention" we give women?

is the only way to get our power back to distance ourselves, become scarse and have them miss us by not giving them attention, having them want it?

there is gotta be more to it, because what happens if they realize that you are using this as a way of making them miss you?

of course i understand I have to be congruent.

she just texted me to know what am up to, it has been hard not to text her all morning/evening to see how she is... but im forced to do this, i want to get my frame back, I wont be in a relatinoship where the girl is not continually wanting to have more of her bf, show affection, admiration, respect.

 

[pipe007]

Kailex, he is in a LTR, I believe almost a year now, they've had some speedbumps, which included her becoming distant, contacting ex-boyfriend to let him know how much of an "aszhole" he was, and how she now has a more caring boyfriend "my friend"

well he does have a lot of insight, and always slaps me back out of my insecurities, he has learned a lot too without having this site, he has had a very horrible past relationships.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

16 Commandments of Poon

Read this. It's what you needed to know a long time ago.

 

[pipe007]

will read it once every day until it sinks in!

everything Ive learned (and forgotten) summarized in a page
thanks!

 

[Slickster]

I'd like to add a couple things...

Regarding the lower IL in sex:
Next time you are fvcking her get her off but don't finish yourself. She may be shocked and ask what's wrong. Tell her you are fine and that you don't need to come every time. She may try talk you into going longer but don't give in. Assure her that you are OK. Maybe do this twice in a row coupled with your reduced availability and she will be fvcking your a$$ off just like the ol' days.
This takes a lot of discipline but really works wonders. It plants a seed of doubt that she isn't fulfilling your needs and you may begin looking elsewhere.



Regarding her talking to the other dude:
Ignore it. Don't stand beside her waiting like a chump. Don't immediately go chat up another chick as it looks like you are playing tit for tat. Just go do your thing and have fun. Take mental notes and remember actions speak louder than words. Until she's completely earned your trust you should be keeping your eyes and options wide open anyway. If she is a good girl and deserves your attention in the first place she won't do anything wrong. If she does, she's just done you a huge favor by showing her bad side. Either way you are playing by your own rules and enjoying your time. If she fvcks up that's her loss. Don't ever fall for that jealousy game that some chicks play. In fact in the past I've actually pushed gf's towards guys that are showing them attention. "Go talk to that guy he really likes you." It shows ultimate confidence. If you've got a girl who really likes to try to make you jealous then that is a big red flag.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Whenever you feel something isn't quite right in your gut, what this is is your subconscious awareness alerting you to inconsistencies going on around you. We tend to ignore these signs in the thinking that our rational mind 'knows better' and things really aren't what they seem. It's not as bad as you're imagining, and you can even feel shame or guilt with yourself for recognizing that lack of trust.

However, it's just this internal rationalization that keeps us blind to the obvious that our subconscious is trying to warn us about. Humans are creatures of habit with an insatiable need to see familiarity in other people's actions. So when that predictable behavior changes (much as you've done with the GF) even marginally, our instinctual perceptions fire off all kinds of warnings.

It's at this point most guys make the mistake of acting on the "good communication solves everything" feminized meme and go the full disclosure truth route, which only really leads to more rationalizations and repression of what's really going on. What they don't realize is that the MEDIUM is the message; her behavior, her nuances and incongruencies in her words and demeanor (and how your gut perceives them) is the real message.

For instance, when you just marginally denied her your (far too available) attention, what happened? Did she resort to some vocalized confessions of you becoming distant, or express some need to rationally communicate to solve a problem? No, her gut instinct recognized incongruencies in your usually predictable behaviors and she reacted by changing her behavior accordingly. You 'caffeinated the hamster', and she took the initiative to react accordingly without you having to say a thing more than give her some plausibly believable breadcrumb of your whereabouts.

Bear this in mind on your cruise; women just want to hear the music and dance; they rarely care about the lyrics, or the measure or the reasons that went into creating the music. The medium IS the message. Be the medium, understand the message in it, but NEVER attempt to explain the medium to her.

Law 9: Win Through Your Actions, Never through Argument
Any momentary triumph you think you have gained through argument is really a Pyrrhic victory: The resentment and ill will you stir up is stronger and lasts longer than any momentary change of opinion. It is much more powerful to get others to agree with you through your actions, without saying a word. Demonstrate, do not explicate.

This is gold. My past experiences confirm these ideas.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Pipe,
Sorry I can't agree with much of the advice here....if one were to generalise on Ms average,then sure,and if you can generalise about a magic bullet for such a situation then OK,but in every form of human behaviour there are extremes sitting each end of the Bell curve....Your Lady is just such an exception,she will make a perfectly good Wife as long as you are not a Horny Bloke....
Read "Sexual Diaries" by Bettina Arndt....these are a hundred and thirty odd diaries of sexual activity kept by people in relationships...Some of the Woman went from twice a Day to virtual abstemity in a little more than a year....One such case was a twenty years old Girl....There are sound reasons for this in terms of Body chemistry...It's all there chapter and verse....And don't go thinking that with game you can bring them back on line....Rubbish!....rather a Leopard change his spots...For my Money,I would albeit sadly,wave her goodbye,a pity but her genetic load has programmed her to be unsuitable for you....Interestingly the Diaries suggest that in many cases the Chemical triggers that set off a Womans Svexuality can be reawoken with another Lover...Limerance?

 

[pipe007]

thats a one big generalization from you, Scaramouche.

I understand why u say that some women need a new lover, but it comes back to what other posters talk about, the attraction is gone because the man become less attractive, more needy/insecure, controlling

if a girl was atracted to you the first 4-6 months, a change in behavior, seems to be me becoming more neurotic, needy, insecure.

my strategies have been working, last time I saw her, she initiated the sex again, and it was good!. these techniques are working, and slowly she is noticing that Im not around like lately.

I am becoming the man she met who was independent and didnt put much effort.

Ive been talking to other girls on campus, trying to be attractive, and I realized I can attract their attention, because I am projecting a strong non needy vibe, funny confident and very focused on them. they like it.

so UNLIKE how ive been treating my girl lately, i been arguing about little details, trying to know what she is up to, worrying about why she is a bit distant which caused her to be more distant, and not giving space.

im back in the right state of mind, she just texted me again saying if I was gonna pass by to see her, I said no, I have to do laundry, which is true lol... Im gonna see her on friday for the cruise.. im sure she wanted to have sex tonight, and I declined. this can only increase attractiveness.

am gonna apply this principles for 11/2-2 months, if i see massive change, then Ill conclude that the above posters were right.

on the cruise ill be non- needy, manly confident, leader, funny, attractive, start craeting tension, flirt with other girls look around.

totally oposite of the needy chump I was too focused on her and her reactions to me... which girl wouldnt be repelled by that????

again, if this doesnt work, and she continues to act distant in 2 months, then I will call it, and give her the, we need some time apart speech. and then ill conclude your theory is right Scaramouche.

by the way she just called me demanding that I go early enough tomorrow so that we can have enough time for ourselves "alone" before we go out clubbing..... I WONDER!!!lol

Im back to normal thanks guys , and thanks Rollo I appreciate your advice

 

[Boilermaker]

haha well done dude, this is why this forum exists...and this is why I love this place so much.

Your experiences are duly noted and will be used by your fellow DJ's !

 

[Nutz]

Im deffinitely keeping this up now

however, I run into a challenge on saturday, we got into an argument. we went to a get together, she got really tipsy, she was next to me, but some old guy friend of her popped up and started talking to her, and I kinda felt disconnected in their convo

I could tell he was gaming her, and I was tipsy, I saw that she was very excited to talk to him and hear his story about this girl he met in colombia... So it got to me, I tried not to show I was feeling jealous, but she noticed, and we kinda argued.

How do you guys deal with these situations? whats the line of disrespect? I think I have to laern to manage this, like she hasnt seen him in 2 years, so I understand why she was happy to see him hear from him, but his attitude and his look was deffinitely "im hitting on you"

Look up stealing or transferring buying temperature. Let him push all her buttons and get her in an "interested" state, and then turn the attention onto yourself. She'll be in an elevated emotional state (buying temperature), but now it's all on you instead. Also, go caveman in the sense of establishing physical dominance. If you guys are just standing there then put a hand around her shoulder or on her lower back playing with her thong with your thumb (works better than you think). If you walk up as they're talking, swat her on her ass with "hey babe!" and then do the arm around her bit.

All this crap about mincing words is beta chump behavior. To quote Rollo, "demonstrate, not explicate".

how could I have handled that situation better? I just felt like a dumb ass sitting next to my gf and watching how they are talking and laughing. It was obvious the guy had game, he was totally ignoring me and focusing on my girl. should I just get up and start talking to other girls in the room next time?

Take my above advice and let it sink in. If you're not good at being physically dominant or can't do so in a smooth and effective manner, spin more plates. A microcosm of this is to work the room when you're at bars/parties/whatever. When she was talking to this guy and you couldn't get hand, then just wander off and let her see you talking to other women with them laughing and having a good time with you. It's not uncommon for women to see this and suddenly appear out of nowhere, just when you start to have a vibe with the other women.