Need help with unusual situation...

[Outofexile]

Forgive me if this is long winded....

Im a single male, turning 35 next month. Since my divorce after a six year marriage, Ive focused on dating women that well, were more T & A than actually decent women that are long term prospects.

After going that route for over a year, I found myself ready to meet someone decent and honest and not just a good time girl who looks good in a skirt. I want a down to earth, Christian woman who is a 9 on the inside and if shes a 6 on the outside, so be it. Im old enough to know that looks fade and insides is what lasts.

So I meet this lady at church. Shes very sweet, kind, pleasant to look at. Shes very religious, smiles a lot and is fun to be with. Not fun in a crazy way, but just enjoyable. Shes an elementary school teacher so you know she has loads patience. Just imagine the type of woman that you imagine growing old with and shes it.

The only issue is that shes from a small town and inexperienced with dating. So its not like coming up to the women in the gym or at parties or anything like that. If I come off too aggressive, shes going to shut down. And the bad thing is that the only time I can see her is at bible study on Sundays and the once a month event the class has out of the church. So its even worse than your typical person that you might interact often with.

Shes not someone you win by being the best looking guy or having a great body. Shes one of those women that marry her first love if you know what I mean. So its not the size of the biceps or how nice the smile is that wins this one. Its showing her that Im a nice guy and a decent, honest guy.

So needless to say, this is a huge challenge for me. Not that Im not a decent guy, but in that its like playing a game of chess. Planting and cultivating bits an pieces that over time show her that Im more than just physical. That she can trust me and Im a guy worth being with.

So I cant just call her out of the blue or email her and express interest. I have to show her Im the type of guy that she wants. You heard of really goofy guys getting these pretty women to fall in love with them? Its not looks but they fall for them as a person. Thats the kind of thing Im going to have to pull off to get this one. Biceps and smile just wont cut it here.

You guys are probably saying "why mess with someone like this when there is a sea of others that arent as tough?" Well like I said, Ive been around and I dont want good time girls that you cant trust and are constantly shopping for the next best thing. I want a honest woman and a good woman. A woman to start a family with and do it the right way.

I know tall order.

Any help here????? Sorry for the long windedness.

 

[true romance]

Invite her for coffee after the bible study.

Find out what her interest are, lieks and dislikes? Something you two have in common and plan some activities. These informations should give you lots of ideas

You may be right to take the smooth road not agressive one. But that does not mean you should not convey your interest. BE DIFFERENT in a charming way.

Be fun and use situation to create a pleasant atmosphere...dinner or group outing with your friends or her friends to create some trust.

 

[Phyzzle]

So I cant just call her out of the blue or email her and express interest.

Do you already have her email or number? Were they from a list, or did she give them to you? And you wouldn't really express interest. Just ask invite to do something with you, and the interest will be obvious.

 

[Outofexile]

I have her email. And she invited me as a friend on her online Facebook acct thingy yesterday. But she didnt GIVE it to me persay as it was on her acct. So not the same as someone saying "here it is" like an open invitation.

DIFFERENT in a charming way? Help me here. What would that entail. I will admit, Im completely out of my norm here. Completely unchartered territory for me here. Im used to working off physical attraction first and foremost and thats just not going to cut it.

 

[true romance]

OK

Here is an example

I was dancing salsa with this chick in my dance class, she has crazy blue eyes with brunette hair, very attractive. Before we start dancing, I just look deeply in her eyes, holding for few extra seconds. She looks at me with an inquiry look.. what???

Me: I hate your eyes
she was shocked for few seconds and then she laugh

She said no one ever told me like that and I'm the first one. I'm sure she will remember for a long time.
After the dance class she she said to me that she is debating to go dancing in salsa club. I look at her and said "you dress to kill tonite so going home is out of the question". She does dress a part from other girls in class
I grab her arm and lead her to my car and we went dacing all night..


All women loves humor, confident man. No matter where they are and how they brought up.

What I mean is use the situation to set yourself apart. Notice how she dress, hair do, make up..etc the information she give you is critical to use at the right moment. Give her compliment but set it a part.

Home work:

-write down everything you know about this women. likes and dislike, jobs..etc

-write down what you think you can say

prepare well, when situation arise you are ready.

Rent Movies:


These movies are classic but has subtle line and situation, learn from these guys.
Hitch
Roger Dodger
thomas crown affair
James bond

good luck

 

[true romance]

when you see for the next bible study. Greet her by holding her waist and give her two kiss on the cheeks.
comments on her perfume if she wear any or new earing, hair do..etc you know how to

Must have some body contact....

Organize a BBQ lucnh after biible study and isolate her for escalation.

 

[speed dawg]

This woman is not NEARLY as complicated as you make her out to be. Just be polite and don't get drunk and drool all over her or any sh1t like that. Use the DJ principles on this site, gauge her interest. But don't change for her. You know what you want, and she sounds as if she knows what she wants. If you're not it, oh well?

Just go for it, ask her out for coffee or mini golf or the like. Have some fun with her.

By the way, your whole post REEKS of AFCness. You've got alot to learn. I mean, sh1t, you're already putting her on a pedestal, talking about "winning her over".

 

[NewMan]

Are you to imply thats she would not fvck the likes of Brad Pit or Clooney on night 1?

Bull Sh1t.

She's just like every other woman, except thr way to unlock her is different from the usual 3 drink minimum party girl.

Everything here works on all women, the application maybe different, but it's the same sh1t.

Ask her for coffee, get her number - be supreme around her and loose the desperation.

 

[jophil28]

Forgive me if this is long winded....


Shes not someone you win by being the best looking guy or having a great body. Shes one of those women that marry her first love if you know what I mean. So its not the size of the biceps or how nice the smile is that wins this one. Its showing her that Im a nice guy and a decent, honest guy.
.

What you are suggesting here is that you believe that you need to embark on a campaign of seeking and creating her approval by demonstrating how "not bad " you are and how "worthy " you are of her company.
Stop this NOW.
You are already putting her WAY above you in value. Every guy on this forum has done this at least ONCE in their life and it NEVER works - NEVER .
You are thinking that you need to pass a long "audition" to "win" this woman.
Do you know how easily that mindset can turn into a fawning, supplicating campaign in which you put her up on the pedestal and run round trying to "please" her into liking you. IT NEVER works in the way that you want it to work.
The other posters have made some good points.
Women are all similar in many ways. Bible study is fine and having high morals and ethiscs is NOBLE in a woman...however her need for fun, excitement and emotional stimulation is still there ,lurking just under the surface.. THat is where the answer lives. ALL women like fun, exciting men . YOu do not need to be a biker with a nose ring and biceps. You need to be just FUN to be around . THat will provide a stunning contrast to her serious side.

Paradoxically - a guy needs to present his fun side to reserved, serious women. Let the fun begin.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Outofexile,
You have put this lady on a pedastal haven't you?....she sounds just a normal shy Christian lady.....If you have moved amongst more proactive ladies after a while she will seem dull,but steady and reliable,often such people have hidden depths.You seem a little insecure maybe you got damaged in a previous relationship,seek security in a really safe girl?...Many really nice ladies can be met at church,they are different but their moral reputation means a lot more to them,Like Caesors wife they must be beyond reproach,so tread carefully,you have to be a lot more restrained,no touching or suggestive conversation....At the end of the day peoples values are extremely important if hers are what you want in your lady then it will be relatively easy to progress your relationship...good luck.

 

[dopexile]

So "you can't show interests in her or invite her to meet you", but at the same time you "have to show her that you're the kind of guy she wants."

This is an impossible problem. She has to meet you to see what you're like as a person, but she can't meet you because you can't show interest.

She should be the one proving that she is worthy of your time, instead of you trying to calculate some way to show her that you're a catch.

Every battle is won or lost before it is fought.

 

[Outofexile]

Nice work guys

Seriously nice. Really made me think about this.

And you are right, I do believe I put her on the pedestal. I guess that I imagined what I wanted in a woman and seeing that she had several of these traits, all of a sudden decided that I had to have her. Ive always been fairly confident around women and there isnt a reason why I shouldnt be with her. Go slow, be calm and act like its not a big deal one way or another. You guys are right, she may be moralistically different but shes still a woman.

An to add new light to it, I found out she had previously dated a guy from the church late last year ending either around Dec or Jan. The guy is a nice guy but physical appearance wise, not even kind of in my league. But he is reserved, nice and confident around women. So maybe she isnt so unlike the others...

Thanks again fellas.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

I can respect your religious beliefs with regards to being involved with a woman. Personally this is something I've never been able to balance (particularly with the way western culture has trained women now), but if this is the genuine position you think you can live with I would think it would be even more important for someone in your position to be as confidently selective of the opposite sex as possible due to your expectations of yourself.

Honestly, it's fairly obvious to me that you've got ONEitis for this church girl not because she's genuinely a great 'catch', but rather she's as close to your fantasized ideal as a woman's been interested in you (or even given you IOIs).

Here's an assignment for you. Go to your church (or your family's church if you don't go regular) and take mental notes of all the women you see there. Be real particular as far as appearances go and listen in on any conversations you can eavesdrop on paying particular attention to statements about personal lives or issues that may relate to their opinions of dating or marriage. You will begin to see consistent patterns present themselves. A lot of christian women follow very predictable schemas. Most will be overweight, most will shun direct discussions about sex, most will expect to be married (and soon), most will complain about there being a lack of 'marriageable' men with sufficient dedication to women as it should be their duty to do so. Those not overweight will tend to be wallflowers (or self perceived wallflowers) or 'recovering slut' single mommies in church wanting to make a fresh start. One unifying understanding that virtually all of them will have will be a belief in a ONE (ONEitis) predestined husband ordained for them and will respond to the soul-mate myth accordingly. This is also a manifestation of the 'entitlement' dynamic which is rife in almost every religious group, not just christianity.

The next questions you need to ask yourself are:

Am I satisfied with the achievements I've accomplished in life thus far or do I still have more to do? Am I still in college or do I want to attend post graduate school?

What are MY standards for marriage and does THIS woman live up to MY expectations?

Marriage is for a lifetime, will this person keep me satisfied sexually?

Does this woman understand what I am sacrificing to fulfill her perceived entitlement of a husband?

Will she regualrly show me genuine appreciation in return for these sacrifices?

Is this woman's exclusive intimacy worth marrying her for?

Is this woman's interest in me due to genuine desire or an expectation of marriage?

If you answer no to any of these, don't get married. Christian or otherwise, marriage benefits the woman exclusively, while the plus side for men is negligible. Women are drawn to religion because it represents security for them; their prime motivation. It's been my experience that the best 'party girl' in the world will go religious after marriage anyway because it serves this security need. This is why you'll see membership of single women in a congregation will always outnumber that of single men. Men's primary motivator is sex and this conflicts not only with dogma, but a woman's security drive. Generally, unless he's been raised under religious conditions, men will not spontaneously become religious without a motivator (such as a religious wife/girlfriend). Men go fishing where the fish are biting and the bite's not on at church. Women do this too, especially attractive ones. An otherwise 'worldly' woman will tend to find religion once the possibility of marriage is on the table. The time comes for them to 'get right' now that they've had their fun and traditional marriage seems the most stable to raise children in.

The natural progression of this is often to 'rediscover' their religious sides after marriage in order to effect it. That's not to discount the validity of the choice to do so or question the genuiness of it, but it occurs conveniently and men who assumed their wife will remain as hot and nasty as she was when they were single often end up with an unpleasant and unforseen reality.

 

[mrRuckus]

OK

Home work:

-write down everything you know about this women. likes and dislike, jobs..etc

-write down what you think you can say

prepare well, when situation arise you are ready.

Lol. Don't forget to doodle your first name followed by her last name all over that page. Then start trying out kids' names. One son and one daughter.