Need Help with my Dad

[ssj4halo]

My dad turned very antisocial after he left his homeland and came to California, USA. He is a great man who came from a poor village and got a PhD in physiology and came to America on his own.That's when I was 2-3 yrs old. Anyways, things between my mom and dad are getting really bad. My mom has a lot of family here and in India. All my uncles here send money to india for my moms family. My dad is the only guy who left INdia to here. He is from a village so he is very conservative in his beliefs. Anyways, he is trying to support his family in India but they are not using the money being sent wisely. In other places, my dad is very antisocial and literally goes to work and watches TV when he gets back and sleeps. He has a sleeping disorder where he needs a machine to go to sleep and is really messing with him. There are some nights where he can't sleep at all with a small amount of noise in the house. He doesn't go out at all. My mom is kind of social so she has some friends who she talks to on the phone and stuff. He always shouts at my mom for no apparent reason. My mom is indirectly showing him how he is weak. They seriosely can not communicate to each other. On top of that my dad has a lot of pride. Therapy and stuff is out because both of them are not ready for such a thing. Only me and my brother can help. My brother pretty much went AWOL and is doing his own thing and doesn't really talk to my dad unless he wants money.

My dad is very far from me and my brother, we never got to know him AT ALL. PLus my brother and me go to college so we don't even talk to him that much anymore. I recently have begun to change my ways.(after reading some spirituality stuff/RSD/etc.) and striking coversation. What can I do to help my dad? Everyday is getting worse and his nice guy syndrome is making him beat himself up emotionally. He feels distant from my uncles and doesn't like him. He has 3-4 friends but they talk to each other 4-5 times a year. Just now he heard my mom tell me the problems of him having no friends and I bet he feels very weak because thats a big hit to his pride. I am like the "problem solver" in the house..the leader you can say...Any help from the older guys? Maybe its a midlife crises(he is 54)? He is very into the indian stuff. He doesnt follow anything American related. Thanks again guys....

 

[Alle_Gory]

He know what he's doing, just as you know what you're doing. It's his choice to do what he wants, respect it.

 

[ssj4halo]

but he is totally depressed. I feel its my responsibility to help him. I don't know how without hurting his pride as my dad.

 

[Desert Fox]

Offer help, if he wants it he'll come. If he doesn't let him be. Just offer help, don't force it, that will push such a prideful person away. I am the same way...my ego is too big.

Anyways another technique is the mirror technique.

Make up a friend of yours that is fake of course, and be like "hey dad I have a friend who has a sleeping problem, shouts at his wife for no reason and I'm wondering how I can help him."

Of course don't make it that obvious. But eventually he'll notice you're subtlety and he will appreciate it while not hurting his ego because its not really him thats' receiving the help. Most people know how to cure themselves, but don't do it. That's where you come in.

 

[ssj4halo]

I'll try to incorporate the mirror technique...any other ways? so if he does ask me(he was going to this afternoon but I said no before he started talking because I was studying...stupid me...i only found out about it later), how should I treat him? How should I tell him what to do. I was thinking about joining a interest group on yahoo groups or tell him to contact those 4-5 friends he has and get something started.

Tell him directly? Tell him I had lots of problems and fixed most of them through reading about spirituality? It feels really weird because he is the dad. Just a note. I always took care of myself. I never told any of my problems to my parents nor friends. I fixed them all myself(through this site, RSD, and other spirituality texts)

 

[Desert Fox]

I'll try to incorporate the mirror technique...any other ways? so if he does ask me(he was going to this afternoon but I said no before he started talking because I was studying...stupid me...i only found out about it later), how should I treat him? How should I tell him what to do. I was thinking about joining a interest group on yahoo groups or tell him to contact those 4-5 friends he has and get something started.

Tell him directly? Tell him I had lots of problems and fixed most of them through reading about spirituality? It feels really weird because he is the dad. Just a note. I always took care of myself. I never told any of my problems to my parents nor friends. I fixed them all myself(through this site, RSD, and other spirituality texts)

Yea I am like you man, fixed my problems alone through this site. To change you gotta change from within. If he wants help, just talk to him man. Just talk and listen and maybe he will sort it out himself. They just need someone to talk to.

Know what a therapist is? Its basically someone you pay to talk to and listen to you. That's all they do, fvcking useless IMO if you have friends or family but whatever. Talk to your dad, motivate him to get his sh1t together. Sometimes life throw sh1t like this at you man, it feels weird and like its robbing you of your youth and life, but you gotta take care of it anyways. Life is unfair, hard, and cruel. Then you die. That's all there is to it man, just do it.

 

[Julian]

I dont know what you guys do in India but go out with him, go out for a movie or some food. Just be like "hey dad theres this really good place has great food we should go this week" and go there. Do father/son stuff.

im sure hanging out with his son would help him feel better at any rate.

As far as offering advice/help...well it depends man. You dont wanna seem like some therapist. My dad has always been someone i go to advice for, the only thing I do is nag him about getting healthier he just says "im old school im tough im strong" lol. Never seen my dad depressed in my life so I cant speak from that angle.

 

[MyBloodyValentine]

i think you should encourage your father to join a club/sportsteam or something along those lines. put him in social situations with other adults, while doing activities he enjoys.

 

[Bible_Belt]

i think you should encourage your father to join a club/sportsteam or something along those lines. put him in social situations with other adults, while doing activities he enjoys.

I was thinking the same thing. Whatever he likes, encourage him to do that, or do it with him. It can be as simple as following a local sports team.

 

[Warrior74]

hang out with him and do stuff he's interested in with him. Ask him about his life, let him talk about himself. Ask him for advice on life. Start a conversation. Me and my dad BBQ together and we sit and drink beer and talk, he tells me a lot of things now that he never talked to me about before and I can actually talk to my dad now. We have a much better relationship. Now I can talk to him about things that I think he should do and he respects my words. I don't push or demand, I just suggest and leave it alone, that way nobodies pride is hurt.

 

[Desdinova]

Moved to AE...