Need help to walk away with some dignity

[seethehoop]

Im going to try and keep this short, there is a lot of back ground info that I am willing to share but for now I will just give the basics.

I am currently married but separated. My relationship with my wife (we will call her W) started to dwindle about 18 months ago, but if im honest it wasn’t really working from way before this.

About 10 months ago an ex contacted me (lets call her E), I was still with my wife and E was with her bf. It was friendly to begin with but it started to get flirty and E and I started to invest. I became AFC though confessing feelings and I thought she was playing mind games. This is what led me to read all about PU and attraction etc.

In January E split with the BF and about 12 weeks ago I split with my wife. W wanted another go at making it work, I didn’t but as she couldn’t understand why we had split up (the passion had died long ago for me) I said we could have another go. In my head this was just so I could at least say I’d tried to work it out.

I was open about it with E, I told her I was back with W but “was going to be single moving forward”. As E carried on talking to me over the net (most of the chat was over fbook) I thought she was happy to keep pursuing things with me during this period. A few weeks later I went to see E, there was some big IOIs, lots of kino, innuendos and even her validating her self and some future projection from her.

The problem was that as I was leaving she asked me why I was still wearing my wedding ring. I responded by telling her I was still with W. This didn’t seem like the wrong thing as I had already been honest about it before. E blew her stack, claiming she didn’t know and she was only flirting with me as she thought I was single. She then started to backwards rationalise by telling me she was over me now anyway. She said she didn’t want to see me any more but when I left she said, “I will speak with you later”.

Anyways, I left it a few days and messaged her saying that I understood why she acted like she did but there was more to it and that I would like to talk more. She said she would talk to me so I called her a few days later when we could both talk.

During the convo I told her I wasn’t hiding anything and if I wanted to hide it I would have just taken the ring off! I told her that W and I were in separate rooms and we had now called it a day, we just had to sort out the house etc. She said she wanted me to go away and think about what I want, saying “you may decide you don’t want me in a few weeks” I responded by saying I didn’t want to do that but I would respect her wishes. The whole convo was surprisingly jovial with banter and lots of laughs.

I left it another week and texted her saying I didn’t see the point in ignoring each other and asked what she had been up to. She actively ignored me. The message was probably a little too ****y but I wanted to kind of push past the issue.

I then left it about 4 weeks and sent her another message, again a little ****y but asking how she was. Still no response.

I left it a further 5 days and thought I cant do any more damage so I thought I would send her one last message sort of saying no hard feelings, lets move on.

That was bout a week ago. So yesterday I go online and she has unblocked me on chat. I decided that I wouldn’t say anything as I had kind of said all I wanted in my last message. I sign off chat and about a min later she sends me this message

“Im quite happy to talk if you accept it is on friendly terms only, I don’t want to find myself in a situation a month down the line where you feel Ive led you on. Ive started seeing someone, its going really well and thought I should say something from the get go (whatever get go actually means)”

Ive not responded, I don’t really know what to respond with Im not accepting her terms whether she has a new BF of not. Im not letting anyone dictate term like this especially after 6 weeks of silent treatment. I think I do need to respond or she will think Im accepting the frame of “he cant handle being friends with me cos Im seeing someone or he has feelings for me”

I have my own ideas about how to respond but I want to end it with some dignity and maybe leave the door open a crack so that if the opportunity does arise 6-12months down the line I can have another go. This is prob the wrong approach and a little bit afc to want to leave some chance further down the line but should I slam the door?

Sorry I know this is a long post but it could be way longer with specifics. I know the mistakes Ive made so this isn’t the issue. I just need help with how to respond to this one last message.

Any thoughs?

 

[Gro0ver]

“Im quite happy to talk if you accept it is on friendly terms only, I don’t want to find myself in a situation a month down the line where you feel Ive led you on. Ive started seeing someone, its going really well and thought I should say something from the get go (whatever get go actually means)”

Sounds like it's already over dude. You needn't do anything. Are you trying to claw back dignity because you sent her texts that she didn't respond to? Just move on, that's the main thing right now. Forget her and get on with your own life, and if your paths cross again then so be it. Your pride probably feels hurt but you will get over it.

I question how much you wanted to be with this woman deep down. If you really wanted to be with her then you would have sped up the process of separating from W and you wouldn't have worn your wedding ring when you saw E. When we really want to be with someone we will take steps to make it happen, understand there are complications but I think you had your chance and passed it up, maybe thinking that she'd stick around waiting for you while you got your shvt together when in reality she didn't. And who can blame her? You may have said that you are your wife were over but she read between the lines and realised you were still a fair way from being available.

Time to move on and rebuild. Not easy as I'm finding....trying to fight the feeling of wanting someone else or getting back with the ex, but we must.

 

[seethehoop]

GroOver, you aint far off the mark I would have sped the seperation up but E was sending some serious mixed signals. That kind of made me more reserved and I didnt want to end my marriage thinking it depending on E being there. So I did it in my own time when I was ready. I even thought that I may have subconsciencly sabotaged any chances with E by wearing the ring so that I didnt have to deal with rejection. She rejected my situation not me kinda thing. I dunno though.

I'm not fussed about protecting my pride over the last messages where she ignored me. They werent needy, I never begged or pleaded just gave her a couple of chances to talk it out whilst trying to make light of it.

I know its over and its time to move on, I just didnt know if I should respond at all or respond with something saying like "lets just leave it be for now" I guess no response is the best option, its what I wanted to do but friends have said I should respond so she doesn't think I'm walking away cos of the new bf. To tell the truth, some of the games she has played would lead me to think she had made the bf up so that if I do not respond its because she has a new bf. Kinda like me and the ring.

Theres loads that has gone on, it would be like war and peace one friend suggested that she has a BPD but I don't think so. Any way your in put is definately right and appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

 

[blueeyedgent]

Ending your marriage to W and a relationship with E are two independent events. You end a marriage because its unworkable, and whether you have another chick already lined up or not that doesn't change.

This one smacks of one-itus

 

[Greasy Pig]

Do not, I repeat, do not validate her by contacting her.

Go ghost. You are a ninja, you are the wind, you are unfazed and unable to be caught.
There is nothing you can say to her that will change things. She's made it painfully, blatantly and bluntly clear, she doesn't want you.

If a woman is passionately interested you, she will find a way to be with you regardless of any minor slip-ups you make.
The only way to exit with any shred of dignity is to show by your actions that you're unaffected. Every day you don't contact her, she will be wondering what happened to you. She'll be wondering if you hate her or what she did wrong.

Contacting her will just validate her atrocious behaviour towards you. Be rid of bad rubbish and walk away. That's the path to dignity. Trust me.

 

[seethehoop]

@blueeyedgent you are correct and thats what I was ensuring I was doing. Treating it seperate but I had to make sure that I was and that one did not have an affect on the other.

@greasy pig. My thoughts exactly. I thought that by just the act of responding, regardless of content would be seen as a validation. I do think her behaviour has been childish and poor. She gave me the silent treatment for 6 weeks for trying to be honest and do what I thought was right.

PU isnt about manipulating women for me its about leveling the playing field. I still have some values that im proud of and want to keep to them. Ig she doesnt like that then that fine by me.

 

[TonyBaloney]

See the hoop, your a very wise and cool man - I rate you.

I am now officially sick of thinking, talking writing about the idiot ex who contacted me when I was in a relationship, led me on believing if I quit the new girl, she wanted a relationship, and then when I did quit the new girl for the ex, she dumped me two days later....

These swines are so cunning and crafty, and this is why online dating is so bad, any way girls can get an ego boost, they will. Seems to me that when she got you, she didnt want you, but thankfully, your un fazed..... Good on you bud. Spend a bunch of time single, trying new stuff, rolling around as a previous poster says "like the wind"....something new will blow your way....

 

[seethehoop]

UPDATE: OK so on Saturday night, I had decided to have a night in., I’d a big night the night before, went to see the Stone Roses so wanted to just chill that night.

Anyway, so I’m sat in watching TV and I happen to look down at my phone and notice I have a facebook notification saying I had a private message. TBH I didn’t think much of it, I didn’t think for one second that it would be from this girl….but it was.

It was rather random and just said:

“can he actually sing though??, I doubt it!”

Personally, I think she was referring to Ian Brown from the Stone Roses as I had been posting pics from the gig etc on my profile Given that this was a re-union gig and rumours were rife about Ian’s voice being off the statement does seem relevant to me.

I think what she is doing is trying to test the water, see if I respond but do it in such a way that she can retreat if I burn her or don’t respond. IE she will say that the message wasn’t for me. I believe this to be the case based on the vagueness of the message. It has been written as if it was a response to someone else’s message.

I think she is probably seeking some form of validation from me or maybe some of the shine from her new BF has worn off so she is looking for an ego boost.

I haven’t responded nor do I intend to. I really cba with the drama and I don’t have any energy to spare stroking her ego and get nothing in return.

What I want to know is, has anyone on here had something similar, I want to know if women do this sort of thing all the time, IE set something up but have an escape route planned to save face if they get rejected.

 

[Skalioppe]

Yeah she was referring to Ian Brown. I've seen him solo a few times and God he can be tone deaf.

She's fishing. Her little message is to try to hook a reply and an ego boost, you've hit the nail on the head. She liked you and her relationship is probably a rebound from you and her ex. But I expect unless you become single there's no point. At the moment you're her Plan B / ego boost / validation and she is getting her c0ck elsewhere now anyway.

My advice.... Ignore her, she deserves it.

 

[Greasy Pig]

^^ This.

She treated you like a selfish cvnt. Do not reward her with a reply. Leave her hanging and - as my sig states - let her hamster run itself to fvcking death.
She's just fishing for some sort of response to make her feel better about herself and how she treated you.
If you reply, you let her know that it's ok for her to treat you like shyt.
No damn way.