need help!!! pregnant girl leaving me!!!

[pancakepalace]

I am currently completly and utterly mixed-up! I started going out with this girl 3 months ago. It was amazing. We had a wonderful time together and went on a marvelous trip. I met her parents and she met mine. All was great. We knew each other for 2 years prior.

When summer ended, we found out she was pregnant. We both were happy and decided to keep the child. I moved in with her start of september. Things started going downhill from there. She stopped talking to me and would always nag at little silly things. I tried communicating with her several times, but she wouldn't talk. At the end of september, she announces to me that she as quit her jobs and is leaving me to live with her parents 3 hours away. I couldn't believe it. She didn't even want to talk about it or give details as to why she was leaving. Just said that she made a mistake. I'm really scared because 1. I love her and would like her back 2. I don't know what is going on with the baby. I have been trying to talk with her, but she seems completly annoyed when I am around and says she doesn't want to talk. Iv'e decided to live at my aunts place until she leaves for good in 1 week. It wasn't productive for me to be around her since I am upset and she doesn't want to talk. She says I stress her out and that it isn't good for the baby. She is 13 weeks pregnant. Her parents won't talk to me either. We are both 28.

Any girls out there that have been pregnant and know what I should do? I want to be there for her and the baby 200%. How can I respect her decision to leave and still try to get back with her. I don't understand why she doesn't want to talk to me and explain what went wrong.

I know that in september I was feeling a bit anxious an scared. This lasted about a week and a half. I wasn't there for her totally and this might of scared her. She stopped talking to me after this. When she did annouce to me she was leaving, I cried and told her her decision seemed precipitated. Finally, we talked a week later and told her I went through a small phase because I was anxious of everything and that I was sorry and now I am with her 200% and wish she would come back. She told me her decision was final and that we wouldn't get back together.

- Do you think this is final?
- Might she just be mixed up because of all the emotions of being pregant etc...?
- What should I do?

 

[Survivor]

At this point, whatever romance you can have or could have had with this girl is completely irrelevant. It's also pretty short sighted considering whats about to happen to both you in the next 6 months.

Your focus should now be towards being a good father to your child. The mother may not want you, but your child will.

Work out some sort of child support and custody arrangement with your child's mother and get ready to CELEBRATE becoming a father. That's what matters.

Fatherhood first. The rest is irrelevant.

Congratulations.

 

[seabreeze]

Okay, I just felt I had to say SOMETHING here. I've been pregnant four times so I know a lot about preganacy and female emotions. I can tell you, a man's response to the announcement of a pregnancy can make or break a relationship. With my third child, I told my husband I was pregnant and he freaked. It has stayed with me for NINE years and it definitely affected our relationship. I don't think I ever trusted him again after that, even though I tried, even though I think he's a really great guy (we are now legally separating).

That said, I think you have done some serious damage with your week or so of insecurity with her. Yes, i understand why you did what you did. But the bottom line is when a woman first finds out she's pregnant that's when she needs her man's support the most. And if he doesn't seem happy she takes that as rejection. I know it's ridiculous, I can see that in hindsight, but in the moment it really makes a difference.

She's going through a lot of hormonal changes right now. The best advice I could offer you is to take Survivor's advice. All you can do is let her know, firmly, that you will not be ignored when it comes to the child. That you respect her decision about your relationship, but she WILL NOT shut you out of your child's life!

I hope this helps and good luck!
Seabreeze

 

[ShortTimer]

So if a woman needs so much support when she gets knocked up, starting the conversation off like this would be bad:

Gilfriend/Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Boyfriend/Hubby: "Really, who's the father?"

With the follow up question of: "Are you sure?"

 

[seabreeze]

Yes, Short Timer, that would be REALLY bad!
SB

 

[DJDamage]

3 months is not enough time to really know somebody. You said you knew her for 2 years but in reality we don't really know someone until we live with them because they always put their best foot forward out the door.

You fell in love with her too quickly and the baby might not even be yours. I don't know why you didn't wear a rubber. But now the damage is done. When you cry in front of a girl its a turnoff, its pathetic (you been listening too much to Dr Phil crap about sharing your emotions). I don't think you understand the rules of attractions, so the best I can tell you is to read the DJ Bible because its a complicated situation. I think its over between you two.

 

[flexion_]

I'm a bit confused and maybe a little more info is required here.

You were dating someone for 3 months and she got pregnant - it doesn't make sense to me that you both would be as happy about this as you state. And then you move in together... Talk about turning both your worlds upside down in an instant.

Whose idea was it to move in with her?

Could you elaborate more on what happened in that short time from when you found out she was pregnant to moving in together?

 

[dietzcoi]

Well. ... somebody has to say it...

Another AFC bites the dust!

I hope many, many people are learning something from this...

People, the woman does not care about him! SHe has her kid and will get her child support.. he is just a beast of burden for her...

Stop with the Oprah and Dr. Phil talk... you need to protect yourself NOW. Better make sure the kid is yours before you start "being a father" and paying out the azz... too many men have been fooled.

Why do people believe in fairy tales?

DIetzcoi

 

[ShortTimer]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
the woman does not care about him! SHe has her kid and will get her child support.. he is just a beast of burden for her...
Better make sure the kid is yours before you start "being a father" and paying out the azz... too many men have been fooled.

Can I get a "hell yeah?"

Wasn't there some study in England where 1/3 of all children born in a marriage were NOT the husband's child; or something like that?

 

[KennyBoo]

The most important thing here is the baby! Be the best father you can be to your child. You might want to take paternity test to make sure the child is yours and give that 200% to your child. Women come and go. I was in this situation but my EX got married while she was pregnant for me! The first thing I did when my baby was born was got a lawyer and took her to Court to establish my visitaions and pay Child Support. Do all you can to be in your baby's life FOREVER! Leave the rest happend the way it will happend. As far as for crying we are only Humans, we have feelings and the worst thing to do is hold all your feelings in, personally I think it is good to cry no matter who is around you.

Just be a good father, it is the best feeling in the world! For sure it will change your whole life, but it's a good thing trust me. Good luck and go find you another women.......take your precious bundle of joy to the mall or park, great woman attracter

 

[dietzcoi]

We have a lot of Dr. Laura types here...

I even heard her telling some married guy to suckk it up when his wife got pregnant by another man, and to accept and raise the child as his own...

I guess it is good for society that some of you chumps exist...

THe "important" thing is not the child. THe child does not exist yet and may not be his. THe important thing is to protect yourself from being made a chump who supports some hoe and/or some other chump's kid...

If the kid is yours you do have an obligation to support it, but try to avoid this if you can...

You fools need to listen to a person who has been thru this (me) and not a bunch of theorists who have no idea what it is like...

Well, if you want to end up like me with $100000s gone for nothing, go ahead!

Dietzcoi

 

[KennyBoo]

If the kid is yours you do have an obligation to support it, but try to avoid this if you can...

That's why we as good fathers get labled as deadbeat dads cuz of pricks like you!! Try to AVOID taking care of your own child???? What a puzzy way out of life man, accept your responsibilities and raise your child if it is yours! 2 adults make a child but those 2 adults act like children when it comes to raising the child. Of course the child is important dumbass.

 

[dietzcoi]

Thanks for your intelligent reply...

I guess inside the matrix, there are still many of you who believe in fairy tales...

By the way, I am a single father with three kids I am paying for, as my ex-wife doesn't work.. lives off alimony from me!

SLeep well, Cindarella!!

Dietzcoi

 

[icecreaman]

Originally posted by dietzcoi
If the kid is yours you do have an obligation to support it, but try to avoid this if you can...

You gotta explain this statement man, its makes no sense.

 

[pancakepalace]

Thank you all for your quick replies.

I can't beleive I got so much replies so quickly. Really nice of you all. I'll just clear a few things up.

1. It was her idea not to use protection. She told me she was in a infertile period. I knew better, but I chose to take the risk. I take full responsibility of this.

2. I am 100% sure the child is mine. We were on a one month trip when it happened and we were always together.

3. I did not freak out when she announced she was pregnant. It took me about 30 minutes to recuperate, but I then held her hand and said I was ready to be a father. She was very happy and told me my response was amazing.

4. It was her idea to move in together. I was looking for a place to live at the time. I left for a music camp of 2 weeks and when I came back, her roomate was gone and she asked me to move in with her.

5. Things did go fast, but we really seemed right for each other. We made a huge decision together and were both in full agreement.

6. Her attitude changed very quickly. This is what hurts after such a big decision. Also that she didn't talk about it and announced she was leaving after I was trying to talk to her for two weeks and she was being very moody and refusing to talk.

7. I did get lazy in my anxious period of a week or two. I did not ever question the idea of being a father or wanting the child. I was not abusive and I don't drink or do drugs. But, I didn't take care of her 100%. I did do some things, but I was in my own head.

8. I know I love her, but I will not wait around like a chump. I cried twice in front of her for short periods of time because it was a huge shock, especially since she was refusing to talk.

9. She is leaving next friday.

10. I want to take full responsibility of the child and would like to have evenly shared visits. She seems ok with that. Problem is she is leaving in a city 3 hours away.

I have a few more questions:

We are supposed to meet tuesday to discuss the bills etc... I was thinking that it wasn't absolutely necessary to meet and that I would simply leave her a short note telling her I took care of things (I would do all the calculations and leave the checks).
Is this a good idea or should I see her face to face. She is extremely moody and doesn't seem confortable around me.

Do you think I should do NC for awhile. Wait for her to call back? I think she needs to rest her head and should not be stressed out by me.

She is willing to let me go to doctor visits with her and says her family will let me in her house when the child is born in april.

I am going to be the father and a great one at that. I hope she just freaked out and we can slowly mend things back together. At least have a good friendship. I would like more however.

I will use this time to make myself a better person and find a better job.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[Survivor]

Man I know you mean well, but from what I've read in your response, two words kept ringing in my head....

Paternity test.

Yeah you're gonna really piss her and parents off by bringing up the idea, but as a potential provider to her child you have every right to demand one.

The child is still most important, but I'll admit dietzoi does have one point. There's still the possibility your girl may be trapping you with some other fella's kid.

There's no way you can be sure that she didn't have sex with someone else before or even after your one month trip with her.

Get the test. And if you are the father, immediately begin being a father to the child.

 

[princelydeeds]

Originally posted by dietzcoi

If the kid is yours you do have an obligation to support it, but try to avoid this if you can...

Dietzcoi, as always I agree completely. Why does "Being a Man" and "taking care of your child," mean giving money to the mother?

Child support laws are really stupid. They go against all logic. What belongs to the mother belongs to the child. What belongs to the father doesn't belong to his child unless he first gives it to the mother?!? Thats just plain silly. Men should support their child in the same way the mother supports the child. Men should be allowed to give and not give to their children. Men should get equal time and equal custody.

Too many women breed for greed!!! Close to 60% of kids are born out of wedlock. Too many women are making their way on the back of paycheck donors. Women don't have to work, just have 2 or 3 kids and they have a nice nest egg.

 

[pancakepalace]

I agree custody should be shared 50/50. That is what I am aiming for. If I have to, I am ready to move to her city to do this. she hasn't closed to door to this idea yet.

If she shuts me out completely, I'll think about the money thing.

I am sure the kid is mine.

 

[princelydeeds]

Originally posted by pancakepalace

I am sure the kid is mine.

Alot of suckers have said the same thing. get it checked out!

 

[dietzcoi]

Princely

You are 100% correct. I don't understand the fairy tale mentality some of these guys get. Do they think they are the first person to ever have a kid? DO they think the kid is a gift from God?

They are fools. The kid is the result of a biological process, often not a mistake but the woman's deliberate action. It happens very, very often, and the AFC's just accept it and listen to Dr. Laura to feel good about being an AFC.

My comment about avoiding it meant, try to have her abort or adopt so you do NOT have to pay a stranger (the woman) money for the next 18 years... money she may or may not use for the kid.

This woman and her family are treating pancake like sh1t... is this a way to start a marriage or family? Anybody who would advise him to get with this woman is a nut case.

Pancake: You will remember this advise. Do not move in with her, do not marry her, and make sure you are the father before you ruin yourself. Don't worry what her family thinks of you, they are AFCs anyway...

This is your life. Don't say "I wished I had followed Dietzcoi's advice" twenty years from now. Learn from my bitter experience.

Dietzcoi