Need help please! Friend zone bull****...

[Newbie01]

Ok, so i've been reading the boards for a while boards for a while and have the basic 'theory' down now. My problem is a kinda drawn out, but boils down to me making mistakes with a girl I had a thing for which led me into the friends zone. Here's the story:

I started studying with a girl (shes 18 im 23) in my college biology class a semester ago. I thought things were going well, but I was getting myself deep into the friends zone. I didn't realize this though.

I knew I had to make my move so one night the tension was rising and I basically leand over and kissed her and broke the tension. She seemed to respond well because she kissed back. I said 'I should get going' and left without really talking about it.

We studied a time or two more after that without anyone bringing the kiss up. It was almost like nothing happend. I was still feeling like I didn't do enough, but I wasn't comfotrable bringing it up so one night when I was about to leave I kinda akwardly kissed her agian at the door.

After this, things changed and it seemed like she was kinda avoiding me. The semester was about to end and I was feeling like she lost interest, which I later learned she didn't really have (so she says) because she saw me as a 'friend'.

Anyway, I called her in between the semester ect. and one night I was at the bowling ally with some friends and I randomly see her there with some guy. I talk to her and shes like 'this is eric blah blah'.

Later the week we meet up to have dinner and 'clear the air'. So she tell's me she sees me as a friend and after I kissed her she felt kinda akward around me and was surprised i kissed her, but she wants to still be a friend because she has a lot of fun with me- which is true. We laugh a lot and always have a good time. I agree and say that I still want to be friends ect. She also told me she just met the guy like a week before the semester ended. Also on a side note, that only lasted a few weeks because she isn't with him anymore.

So this all happend in the passed few months. My present situation is that we still hang out like go snowboarding, to lunch ect. The thing is I am having a hard time just seeing her as a friend. She knows I had interest in her and now I feel it stronger almost each time I hang out with her.

We always have a lot of fun together and I'm almost able to beleive I can turn things around with her if I do it right, but I'm not sure what I should do now. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Tell her you will like to be more than friends, but since she is not interested, then you think it is best that you don't 'hang out' any longer as friends. Don't see her anymore.

 

[Mutiny]

Puerto Rican Lover is right on, bro. Say this to her:

You know what, my "friend" file is really full right now. We can hang out if you want, if not, whatever.....****, my friends keep calling me, I gotta go. (click)

 

[Newbie01]

What do you think the chances of her saying yes to being more then friends is? Because I honestly do have a lot of fun with her and I don't want to lose her as a friend either. I mean that almost sounds like a threat. Is that my only option though?

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

She already told you she wasn't interested, so this is just letting her know in a nice way that you no longer have time to be 'friends' and you would rather chill with guys vs girls. If she says maybe, then just say maybe isn't good enough...don't be a chump and still stay around if there isn't any attraction on her part.

You'll look weak. Did she introduce you to some of her 'girl' friends? How many? Waht are you getting out of this 'friendship".
You should be pursuing real candidates!!

If you are lonely, get a dog!!!

 

[Newbie01]

I think i'll try meeting some of her girl friends first. She does take dance class and all so i think ill try to get her to invite me to some of those. That might even make her a little jealous and spark an interest. I do think at one point she was interested. I think the time when we first kissed she actually had some interest. Then after I see how that goes I'll maybe I'll try the other way.

 

[Big Pappy]

Ah, the perils of the friend zone when you want to be in her end zone!

I've been in your shoes before. Most of us have.

This is the catch, though. She does like you -- your personality. At least some of it.

Here's the possible outcomes if you do it sosuave way.
(disdain what you can not have)

1. She realizes what a great catch you are and comes around.
2. She thinks you only want her for sex - why else would you refuse to be her friend? Thus, she gets pissed at you and avoids you.
3. You come to the realization that you can't make this girl have the hots for you, no matter what you do. As a rule of thumb, once you're in the friend zone, it's hard to get out.

When I decided to make a move, she was very clear that she thought I was great, but my politics would never allow any long term success. She was right, too. So, we just hook up a few times a year. (She had transferred to another school)

So what are you to do?

First, come to the realization that no matter how pretty and fantastic this girl is, she doesn't feel the same way as you. There really isn't much you can do. The best you can hope for is to let her see through your other dates what a great catch you are.

Now, let's take a look at your mistakes.

Mistake #1. -
There's no doubt that you and this girl were not studying together because you thought she was ugly. Odds are she found you to be at a minimum attractive in some way, or else she wouldn't have agreed to study with you. What happened was that while you were studying, she saw the characteristics in you that makes for good friendships, not necessarily good romance.
I.E. : you didn't do or you did do something that took you into the friendzone.
So, next time, when you get a study date with another girl, if you enjoyed the girls company, ask her out.

Mistake #2 -
When you kissed her and she kissed back, you should have broken the kiss, looked her in the eye then kissed her again, as if you couldn't possibly get enough of those velvet lips. It's just my opinion and I'm no mindreader, but I think when you took off, it gave her to much time to process it. If you had stayed a little longer, you might have had yourself a girl.


Big Pappy's caveats:

1. Avoid getting into any lengthy conversations with her.
Don't ignore her altogether, that's just rude. Don't take this rejection personally. Remember : we believe what girls do, not what they say. Be funny, but always call your visits short, on your terms.
2. The sooner you can get a date, the better. Don't get focused on this girl or you'll never get anywhere. Avoid the oneitus.
3. After three weeks or so of short visits, invite her out for a few drinks at some hole in the wall that's not likely to card her. With a few shots of some liquor, if your humor is sharp, you should be able to get that kissing going. She'll kiss you back. The beauty in this is you can blame every social blunder on liquor and so can she. I'm not talking about getting her so drunk she's unconcious, just a little buzzed. you'll be buzzed to, so the scales are even.

If this doesn't work for you, than it likely wouldn't work out, no matter what you did.

I also would recommend that you only do this as a last resort. Once in the friend zone, it generally will take at least a couple of months to get into the end zone, if even then.

 

[Newbie01]

Thanks big pappy that is some good advice. One other little thing I forgot to mention which now when I look back I think was a HUGE mistake. After our first or second 'study session' I invited her to a party the following night. She said she had work till 10pm but I told her to call me when she gets off if she was feeling up for it. She called me for the party and we went. She had some drinks and I think was pretty buzzed. My huge mistake is that I was kinda talking with other friends/people most of the night and kinda ignored her. She had to be home around midnight also. At the time I really wasn't all that interested and mainly invited her for practice and to see response ect. Little did I know i'd fall for her...

 

[Big Pappy]

You're right - you left that part out. Use a girl for practice? Whatever for?

Don't consider a girl practice until it doesn't work, know what I mean? It's hard enough to get everythign going right with a chick to drop the ball, just because it's practice. Remember, these girls have friends and they talk to them about what kind of guy you are. Most girls would prefer a guy to at least introduce them to their buddies at a party.

 

[Dust 2 Dust]

I've been in this situation before. I just agree to be friends and then I never call them again. If they want to spend time as friends then they can call and take me out because im not wasting my time or money on someone with Low IL.

 

[legolas]

Read Mr. Fingers' post on escaping the friendzone. Do a search on the board for the words "escaping the friendzone" It is one of the best posts about the friendzone in exsitance.

 

[Newbie01]

Originally posted by Big Pappy

Big Pappy's caveats:

1. Avoid getting into any lengthy conversations with her.
Don't ignore her altogether, that's just rude. Don't take this rejection personally. Remember : we believe what girls do, not what they say. Be funny, but always call your visits short, on your terms.
2. The sooner you can get a date, the better. Don't get focused on this girl or you'll never get anywhere. Avoid the oneitus.
3. After three weeks or so of short visits, invite her out for a few drinks at some hole in the wall that's not likely to card her. With a few shots of some liquor, if your humor is sharp, you should be able to get that kissing going. She'll kiss you back. The beauty in this is you can blame every social blunder on liquor and so can she. I'm not talking about getting her so drunk she's unconcious, just a little buzzed. you'll be buzzed to, so the scales are even.

If this doesn't work for you, than it likely wouldn't work out, no matter what you did.

I also would recommend that you only do this as a last resort. Once in the friend zone, it generally will take at least a couple of months to get into the end zone, if even then.

Not sure I understand the caveats. Is this advice on what I should do to her, or for future girls? So for #1 I shouldn't get into lengthy convos with this girl.... Dunno if it's too late for that, we've actually gotten kinda close and opened up a bit more to eachother. Is that a bad thing?

I'm assuming #3 is for when I find another chick? Or are you suggesting I take this girl to a joint and get her some drinks?

 

[jseib]

I think Pappy's saying that scarcity creates value.. Or rather by making yourself less available she hopefully will think about you more.. If you were close friends with someone and they suddenly got busy you would start thinking "what is xxxx up to?" which makes you think of that person and the more she thinks about you the better...