need help, girldfriend depressed, treats me poorly

[darkstarrr]

ive been seeing a girl 7 years younger than me for a year now. im 29 she is 22. she graduated from college in may and ever since then things having been getting progressively worse and i need help.

she hasnt been able to find a job and has been getting more and more depressed. of course i try to help her but theres only so much i can do. she had a very bad upbringing with her abusive mother and alcoholic dad. she currently lives with her sister and her bf and she is miserable there. i offered that she can move in with me but she says she is not ready.

first red flag was when i started this new job a few months and they are sending me on training next week for 2 weeks overseas (i'm leaving next week! so have been playing it real cool with her because i dont need any weird kind of breakup going on while i am overseas). when i told her i am going to miss her very much she didnt have anything to say in response whatsoever. weird. i know she is not cheating, shes not the type. very intellectual and honest type.

next red flag was 2 weeks ago i woke up and she was going through my phone. nothing in there, no worries. i couldnt help but wonder so i went into hers for a brief moment while she was in the bathroom and saw a text from her gf that asked if she had broken it off with me. that week she had had a depressive episode and had hung out a few times with her friends and didnt call me to say goodnight or anything. i got a little irritated and talked it over with her but she blew up at me and started saying she needed space. when i explained if i had done the same thing she ended up agreeing that she would be a complete bicth to me if i had done that in the same way. so nothing really came of that. i also inconspicuously asked her if she would like to remain monogomous and she asked me if if i would sleep with someone like the next day, and i said no. and then she basically said she would like to remain monogomous.

shes going through a lot right now and i know its important for me to make sure she doesnt feel trapped or like she has too many repsonsibilities (as if calling me to say goodnight when she drinks or smokes or whatever is too much of a responsibility right? wtf). shes not very nice to me and doesnt really ever tell me that she misses me or loves me ( i tell her these thigns once in a while NOT too much but not too little of course).

so yesterday she has a complete mental breakdown and goes to her doc who says she has a hormone imbalance because of depression and anxiety. she tried to talk to her family about it but her sister called her stupid or something and her mom told her to check herself into a psych ward and didnt have much more to say to help her. next she is driving and sees her ex, who she was with for 5 years, and whom she hasnt seen in 1.5 years and she loses it even more.

she was out last night with some random friends and again she didnt call me to say goodnight, but i didnt say anything today. again, i know she is not cheating or whatever. today i say f it and i go kayaking in the morning with a group of friends including this one girl who is very nice and very cute and normal seeming. i get back to the car in the early afternoon (shortly after my gf wakes up usually) and i get a message from her saying she has been trying to call me all day (yea ok like 2 hours is all day but wyatever). so i call her back and she said everything that has happened to her yesterday and she was basically having a mental breakdown and said she couldnt see me today because she cant handle it, and is going to her friend bills (who is her best friend - this guy is real cool dude, he has cancer by the way and is balding from the radiation).

so i said thats great she is going to bills and i also asked what she means by cant handle seeing me, and what i have to do with this problem she is experiencing. she said she cant handle being around someone who is going to try to help her or be close physically to her. i said well she doesnt have to say that because if she tells me how she is feeling i will obviosuly accomodate her jeez!

she is quite young and immature, although i have met younger who are more immature so the age thing is relative. she said she just needs to be alone right now and so i am giving her space and not trying to contact her until she does.

thats basically it. a little more background on me i am a very succesful person i make great money and i love my job and career. i look good and am in good shape. i have great friends and enjoy traveling and living well. i treat people close to me very well and i get satisfaction out of living that way.

i know that was a lot! but if someone can please help me out here because i started smoking butts again after a few years off as this is going on and i'm just having a tough time feeling lonely and unloved or whatever.

 

[Faded Image]

Dawg it ain't no salvaging your situation.

This chick is suffering from Bipolar Disorder and you're closer to her so you're going to feel the bulk of these episodes.

Hit the eject button before you get in over your head.

 

[sodbuster]

She "says"" Mom and dad didn't do the family thing right, so I'm messed up. Then she couldn't find a job, so she said that makes her depressed. SHe said her sister and mom were mean to her, so she had a breakdown. She said she went to visit an ex and that makes it worse,THEN it's your fault[hard to see that coming-shouldn't need to hear the train whistle to know the light on the tracks is a train] Her life is everyones fault but her own.

Go overseas,change the lock if she has a key,get all your stuff back[and hers to her, so she has no reason to call], then kick her to the curb so fast her ass bounces like a super ball. AND I don't care if she has a snapper that can whistle the Star Spangled Banner.Trust me on that one!

 

[jophil28]

she hasnt been able to find a job and has been getting more and more depressed. of course i try to help her but theres only so much i can do. she had a very bad upbringing with her abusive mother and alcoholic dad.

God bless you all!

And GOd help you too - you are going to need all his help if you stick around rescuing this chick and trying to "understand " her.

I am going to give you some free sage advice.
Women who have abusive or alcoholic parents NEVER make suitable SO's. NOt unless they seek Al Anon or a similar group. Private counseling alone is poor at treating ACOAs..
Children of alcoholics know all about craziness and uproar and betrayal BUT they know zip about respect and mutuality. How the f**k do you expect her to be a functional adult with her modeling.

What you are seeing in her is the inevitable outworking of her dysfunctional parenting. THe more that she moves into the ADULT world with its demands and expectations the more crazy she will act.
She need the appropriate intervention , not caretaking from you.

Tough break.

 

[lookyoung]

The situation you described is dead on with the girl I was with. This was one of the reasons why I found this site. Let me explain to you that this relationship will not end well . Mine sure as hell didn't. Depressed people will suck the life out of you. I am sure she is on meds. How is her sex drive?. My X was very sporadic. This reason alone is grounds to dump her assss. e Avoid people who are emotionally unstable. They wil suck the life out of you. I know you are trying to be the good guy and have feelings for this girl as was I when I was in your shoes. The most important person in your life is YOU. Now is the time to be selfish and dont' look back.

 

[decades]

you are a "nice guy" who is playing the role of caretaker, making sure everything is fine with your "little" girl. Quit trying to make her better and her little universe as comfortable as possible, and let her live her life and you live yours. Let the chips fall where they may. btw, she's exactly the kind of girl who WOULD cheat so stop being naive about women.

 

[mrRuckus]

As soon as a girl involves an ex in her life it is time to BAIL BAIL BAIL.

She's probably gonna end up dumping you so do it yourself already so you win the breakup war.

 

[Dedication]

I think you already know that you aren't going to get a "FIX". You must move on and start reading the DJ book if you haven't already. Improve yourself everyday and live the life you always wanted. Not some dellusional life with her, it won't be a happy story. Evar.

 

[darkstarrr]

I've been checking on your responses periodically and they are helping me. Thanks everyone! Just as a correction, she is not involving her ex, she simply saw him at an intersection in her town, after her mental breakdown had already begun, and after she had already gone to see her doctor. The friend she is with now is just a friend, the guy who has cancer. I am going to play things really cool this week since I am leaving for 2 weeks on Friday. And while I am gone and when I get back I will see exactly how I will handle this thing.

Thank you all very much.

 

[Onlyliveonce]

Just dumped one of these two months ago. She took meds, had BPD , disrespectful etc. I was lucky though, because I read this forum I saved myself about a year of torture. If I was on my own dealing with this vampire I would have stuck with her bizarre behavior and her inevitable cheating.
Focus on yourself. Lift weights, run, socialize with men, meet normal women. These crazies also try to isolate and alienate you from your true friends. They also will chip away at your ego if they believe you are better than them. It's all about control with them. Don't get sucked into the sickness. Most importantly read this forum.

 

[darkstarrr]

it wouldnt be a problem if she wasnt treating me like $hit. can't even call to say goodnight when shes out with friends. leaves it to me to decide what we're going to do in our time, and then complains she doesnt want to do certain things like play tennis or whatever because she doesnt feel good. she seems very blank in the head. very detached and negative. funny thing is when i see her around people who are new to her she puts on a show and acts all happy and smiley. one of those types who once you get clsoe and get to know, over time will start acting lame with you. these are just examples of a pattern of behavior that i have grown sick of. oday i shaved my head and got me some anti anxiety meds for when i get the anxiety attacks. i am going to slowly detach myself from her. funny because she is the one who is detahced and hasnt even called me to let me know she is ok or whatever. what a lame duck. i am going to start going to the gym more often starting tomorrow. thanks guys

 

[darkstarrr]

guys can put my thread back into the mature forum. i added my age to my profile. thanks everyone for trying to help me. i think she might be in a psych hospital actually because i havent heard from her in 2 days and i dont plan on contacting her until she initiates. she did say we would see each other before i leave for 2 weeks next friday. this should be interesting. i will make sure to follow the advice on here and operate normally.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

Unfortunitly, your gonna have to break up with her. She was already planning on doing it from the txt you saw. Though you may like her and see she is going through a hard time. Its only a matter of time. Find a girl who has her sh!t together or she will bring you down with her.

 

[DJDamage]

Things have already deteriorated to a point of no return. Lots of good responses on this thread.

Sorry to tell you but all signs point to an end of your relationship.

i know she is not cheating, shes not the type. very intellectual and honest type.

Please tell me that you are joking.

There is no such thing as a type that doesn't cheat. Every woman is capable no matter how intelligent, honest or morally responsible she is or claims to be.

Ever heard of the tree swinging monkey?? she may already found your replacement but is wating for the right oppertuinty (in her mind she may already be emotionally involve with the other guy and feel nothing with you). With women cheating may begin before she actually sleeps with the other man.

 

[darkstarrr]

Thanks for the advice everyone. I feel better about handling the situation. I spoke with her yesterday and basically asked her point blank if she wants to break up and she said no she does nto want to. I will see how things continue while I am away on business for 2 weeks and when I get back I will decide whether or not to lay down the hammer at that time. Either way I am planning on spinning plates when I get back. Already started actually. Met this chic at the mall and shes been texing and calling. Thanks folks.

 

[squirrels]

Sounds like a real winner. Start saving for the ring.

Help her get on therapy, drugs, religion, zen mastery, whatever it is she needs to do to help herself. If she doesn't want to help herself, then get out of there before she drags you down with her.

If you're going to "start spinning plates", then dump this girl so she's not hanging onto you while you're getting YOUR life back on track. You can still be her friend/support her.

 

[Nelford]

I hate to say it my man but she is trying to create distance from you to break up with you. I would just tell her good bye and start seeing other women. Women start doing all type of things when they are about to break up with you. You start seeing so many red flags you'll thing you was on planet mars. Your gut feeling is right so listen to it and head for the hills.

 

[BeyondCharm]

She "says"" Mom and dad didn't do the family thing right, so I'm messed up. Then she couldn't find a job, so she said that makes her depressed. SHe said her sister and mom were mean to her, so she had a breakdown. She said she went to visit an ex and that makes it worse,THEN it's your fault[hard to see that coming-shouldn't need to hear the train whistle to know the light on the tracks is a train] Her life is everyones fault but her own.

Go overseas,change the lock if she has a key,get all your stuff back[and hers to her, so she has no reason to call], then kick her to the curb so fast her ass bounces like a super ball. AND I don't care if she has a snapper that can whistle the Star Spangled Banner.Trust me on that one!

She sees herself as a victim to life's circumstances. This is a false view on reality and will only cause her to feel depressed until she can correct her view, which can take time and a lot of reconstruction depending on how much wreckage she has gone through.

Has she been using drugs or alcohol at all in the last year? If so, this could be a major progressive factor in her depression.

You may want to encourage her to look into a 12-step program or see a mental health physician/psychiatrist to help her sort out her issues. These problems are meant to be delt with people who have experience and can relate to her. Since you have not gone through exactly what she's going through, you are going to continue to struggle to relate until you let go absolutely. Be fearless in taking the right steps to help her get help or let her go so that she can get the help she needs on her own. She has to want it!

 

[mintxx]

if you're asking her if she wants to 'break up' with you, rather than if she wants to continue a relationship with you, you're not really giving her any incentive to sort herself out.

 

[darkstarrr]

Well a few months have passed and pretty much everything you all said has rung true. She greaduated in May and stil hasn't been able to find a job. Every time we have talked or seen each other in the past few months, since I am the closest one to her, she has shared with me the turmoil she has been going through. As a result this has changed the dynamic of the time we spend together. So now that she goes around and meets new people who she is not close with and doesn;t talk about her miserable world, she is able to just joke and goof around with them, and that feels good for her. So now she is telling me that it is over, that I do not bring out the best in her. And that she feels happier around other people who she can joke around and goof off with. Go figure!

She turned out to be a real loser. I am a nice guy who works hard and makes a lot of money. I am an engineer. I have done nothing but treat this girl well from the start, and the whole time she has been so consumed with herself that it makes me sick. She hasn't been supportive of me at all. It's sad.

I need to feel better now and forget about her. She started stonewalling so I stopped trying to contact her.

How do these crazies get typically? Are they the type to come back crying once they feel the person has moved on or is seeing someone else? She seems very cold and indifferent lately, and from what I know about her she has shut people hard in the past without any consideration for their feelings. She has a tendency to not look back, too.

This is tough for me because I have a natural tendency to internalize things and feel like I am inadequate or that there is somthing wrong with me. In my mind it doesn't make sense that if you are with someone who treats you well and is at least moderately good looking and successful that you won't treat them poorly or just leave them. I realize it works differently than that and interest levels and all that stuff plays in.

I have been working very had the last couple month for my job and I haven't been able to get into the gym as often as I used to. I feel like she has taken this into account as far as not being attracted to me anymore. She told me straight up that she doesn't like me anymore and is not attracted to me, which is odd because not too much about me has changed.

It's a very tough situation to be in, but I am very fortunate to have this board as both an outlet and a support system.