So this past May, I was with a girl - we were pretty damn close; I had known her for 1.5 years, but we only started getting a little more intimate/physical for about a month or two. It's would probably be an understatement to say this girl was my oneitis, damn, I was obsessed with her. In fact, I shared my first kiss with her (at 21yrs old >__>).
We're both in uni, but she's a year above me; before her graduation, we were escalating. She pulled me to an empty dorm room, we were making out, feeling each other up. I was enjoying it (getting sexual with your oneitis - how often does that happen?), but...I was super nervous and didn't want to have sex.
I was worried my d1ck wouldn't stay hard (fapped to porn a bit too much back then), what if I screwed up, came too quickly, was bad in bed, etc., random insecurities going through my head...I think I liked her TOO much to risk having sex with her, as weird as that sounds. So I said "I don't have condom, we shouldn't do this, we can't have sex", and said we should stop; no penetration, oral, or anything, we got as far as me sucking on her breasts and a little petting. She was even ok with doing it without a condom, but I insisted we shouldn't...It was super lame...she probably (definitely, actually) lost some attraction for me, she was probably a little disappointed...
Soon after, we separated, due to various things. About six weeks ago, she even cut off contact with me completely (I've kept up NC since then). I've come to accept that she's gone, and that's ok.
So here I am; but admittedly I'm a little scarred by the experience. The amount of self-development I've done this summer is insane, and I'm confident that I could do well with women in my final year of college, attract new prospects, etc.; but what's been haunting me is that I've missed this opportunity. My desire to pursue women isn't gone, but it definitely diminished a bit.
I read this passage from Chateau Heartiste the other day and it really got to me:
"Another important point to make is that men who have tight game will never recapture the glory of their first sexual experiences when the raw emotions flooded them with abandon. Game is like coke: The highs are always great, but each snort numbs your brain a little more. When you can attract an acceptable number of good looking girls at will, the sex is going to become less momentous. It’s an occupational hazard. In comparison to your current game-fueled bounty, an ex from long ago will seem of outsized importance in your mind simply because your emotions then were more uncontrollable and etched a stronger impression on your memory. In reality, that first love may not be as objectively good as the girls you are currently ****ing, but your mind has played a trick on you and you can no longer make an unbiased judgement."
The emotions I felt for this girl were absolutely as described above, passionate, uncontrollable - and we didn't even go all the way and have sex. But now that I'm probably 100x more game aware than I was back in May when I was probably 50% beta, I'm finding it difficult to invest myself emotionally in a girl as much as I did.
And I'm worried that I won't feel as much for another woman as I did with her. Whenever I see or hear some reference to sex in books or on tv, or losing your virginity or whatever, I think to myself "lol fk man...I had that opportunity." It's probably the case that I lost this girl because I didn't have sex with her when I had the opportunity to do so...when we were talking the day afterwards, she even teased me (lightheartedly): "missed opportunity Konduit!" Which really stings haha. I didn't think much of it then, but since I now realize that not going all the way when we could have contributed to us separating, it's meant a lot more to me.
Anyway, yeah, just trying to deal with regret from having missed this opportunity...I still have the vivid memories from that night when we were cuddling in my mind...any advice on how to reinvest myself in other women and move past this experience?
We're both in uni, but she's a year above me; before her graduation, we were escalating. She pulled me to an empty dorm room, we were making out, feeling each other up. I was enjoying it (getting sexual with your oneitis - how often does that happen?), but...I was super nervous and didn't want to have sex.
I was worried my d1ck wouldn't stay hard (fapped to porn a bit too much back then), what if I screwed up, came too quickly, was bad in bed, etc., random insecurities going through my head...I think I liked her TOO much to risk having sex with her, as weird as that sounds. So I said "I don't have condom, we shouldn't do this, we can't have sex", and said we should stop; no penetration, oral, or anything, we got as far as me sucking on her breasts and a little petting. She was even ok with doing it without a condom, but I insisted we shouldn't...It was super lame...she probably (definitely, actually) lost some attraction for me, she was probably a little disappointed...
Soon after, we separated, due to various things. About six weeks ago, she even cut off contact with me completely (I've kept up NC since then). I've come to accept that she's gone, and that's ok.
So here I am; but admittedly I'm a little scarred by the experience. The amount of self-development I've done this summer is insane, and I'm confident that I could do well with women in my final year of college, attract new prospects, etc.; but what's been haunting me is that I've missed this opportunity. My desire to pursue women isn't gone, but it definitely diminished a bit.
I read this passage from Chateau Heartiste the other day and it really got to me:
"Another important point to make is that men who have tight game will never recapture the glory of their first sexual experiences when the raw emotions flooded them with abandon. Game is like coke: The highs are always great, but each snort numbs your brain a little more. When you can attract an acceptable number of good looking girls at will, the sex is going to become less momentous. It’s an occupational hazard. In comparison to your current game-fueled bounty, an ex from long ago will seem of outsized importance in your mind simply because your emotions then were more uncontrollable and etched a stronger impression on your memory. In reality, that first love may not be as objectively good as the girls you are currently ****ing, but your mind has played a trick on you and you can no longer make an unbiased judgement."
The emotions I felt for this girl were absolutely as described above, passionate, uncontrollable - and we didn't even go all the way and have sex. But now that I'm probably 100x more game aware than I was back in May when I was probably 50% beta, I'm finding it difficult to invest myself emotionally in a girl as much as I did.
And I'm worried that I won't feel as much for another woman as I did with her. Whenever I see or hear some reference to sex in books or on tv, or losing your virginity or whatever, I think to myself "lol fk man...I had that opportunity." It's probably the case that I lost this girl because I didn't have sex with her when I had the opportunity to do so...when we were talking the day afterwards, she even teased me (lightheartedly): "missed opportunity Konduit!" Which really stings haha. I didn't think much of it then, but since I now realize that not going all the way when we could have contributed to us separating, it's meant a lot more to me.
Anyway, yeah, just trying to deal with regret from having missed this opportunity...I still have the vivid memories from that night when we were cuddling in my mind...any advice on how to reinvest myself in other women and move past this experience?
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