Need guy advice please! (I am a girl)

[Bad_Lil'Pixie]

I can relate!!, only in reverse though, I was the one that was not trusted. I dated a man JUST LIKE YOU. I never gave him reason not to trust me, nor did anything in my past. He did all the stuff you mentioned and then some, he even wrote down the miles on my car so the next time I was with him he could compare the mileage to the activities I claimed I had been doing.

He had great parents, they always asked me why I put up with it and I would tell them, “trust will grow”, “he just needs time”, etc… Yes, I was foolish back in the day! They loved him, thought him a jackass, but they loved him just the same.

I referred to the first hour of every date as the “inquisition hour” and many small tests followed throughout the evening. Oh, and God forbid a man speak to me in a store or restaurant in his presence, that was call for two more hours of questioning. To make matters worse, if he thought he knew the “truth” it didn’t matter what I said or did, he believed himself LONG before me.

THEN, I had this brilliant thought, if I was going to take the heat for cheating then hell, I am going to earn it! Well, I didn’t cheat, but I did teach him a damn good lesson. I even ran my plans past his mom and dad and they helped.

His father came to my work and drove my car 75 miles while I worked. His mom would call my “in-mount” car phone and hang up when he answered. My mom would tell him that I was not home or say “I thought she was with you”.

Good lord, he flipped out in less then 48 hours! LOL, I sat him down in his parent’s living room and told him that I was just living up to his expectations. He expected me to cheat, he accused me of cheating in a round about way and I did not feel I could offer anything in a relationship when we couldn’t progress beyond step 1. I explained all the “tricks” I had played. I told him I really cared for him and I wanted better for us, I wanted a bond and some growth, he tossed me out on my ass. HaHaHa

Sure I was heartbroken, but what was I missing??? We didn’t have anything, we were going through the motions and going nowhere. What is the point if your lover is not also your confidant and help mate???

If your man every catches wind of this site and reforms his AFC ways, sweetie, you will be toast!

You have nothing to offer him at this time, you are not reaping anything either. Time for you to get it together, make yourself whole again and THEN, and only then, will you be able to uphold your part in a relationship.

You could be pushing him too, you are giving him an awful lot of unearned heat and he may just go out and live up to your expectations.

Get it together before you try to give it away, K?

 

[MacDiddy]

I really feel for you, so I'm gonna give you some rock solid advice which will make your life almost pure bliss....

1- Be faithful to your man
2- Accept the fact that your man will flirt with other chicks and may even be unfaithful..
3- Accept that there are better females with better qualities than you out there.. and that your man may be tempted to stray or even leave you..
4- Accept his authority in the relationship
5- Give your man support and understanding without undermining his authority.
6- Give him sex whenever he likes.
7- Work on your Blow Job technique. and give him a spontaneous BJ every now and then, but don't complain when he rejects it coz he could be busy.
7- Dress up for him, wear high heels..

8- Accept the mentality that you are supremely lucky to even have him as your BF...

Hope this helps...

ps. Also don't go snooping around either

 

[dreamxhenry]

I found this forum through a "chick forum" I post at. I am in desperate need of advice with my relationship and would love a male perspective.

I have been with my b/f for two years and he has spent every single night with me during these two years BUT thats still not enough for me.... I am incredibly insecure (due to being cheated on in my previous relationship and having low self esteem as a result of it). I am constantly spying on my guy's online activity and always questioning him. I know its wrong, I know I am being paranoid and I am so suprised he has not left me yet. He is starting to get incredibly frustrated with me and I know it....I am desperate to stop being like this. I feel I am smothering him and making him unhappy. Sometimes I think the only reason he hasn't left me is he feels bad that I will fall apart (which lets face it, I will). I flip over everything.....he has a female friend who he talks on the phone to less than 30 min a month (trust me I know I check his phone bills too) and I am constantly imagining him having an affair with her, I get jealous if he goes out to play basketball, I get jealous if he posts on a message board and a girl responds to the post...I imagine her private messaging him and trying to get with him..... I could go on for days telling yall how insecure I am but I am sure you get the picture.

Can you all give me some advice on what I can do to stop being like this and make him happy?

Thanks in advance to all who took the time to read my rant.

AS a male myself,he is most likely cheating on you,thats why most guys are.Lovestar what your doing is RIGHT by checking his message,online activities or phone messages because 99% of guys are never faithful in relationships,all they want is sex,sex and more sex lol(us guys horny people).But your jealous might drive him away,so try to control your feelings and emotions,my advice is don't stop being what you,contiue on acting liek that,just loose the jealousy and gain confidence like most girls start thinking your hot,get confidence,then tell your boyfriend how you feel.

 

[MacDiddy]

DreamyHenry, I think you need to resolve a few outstanding issues before you start giving out advice...

I find it difficult to take a self confessed "loser", "virgin", etc etc.. seriously!!

 

[dreamxhenry]

DreamyHenry, I think you need to resolve a few outstanding issues before you start giving out advice...

I find it difficult to take a self confessed "loser", "virgin", etc etc.. seriously!!

Just because im a calling my a "loser" doesn't mean im not smart.And doesn't mean I can help people out as well.

 

[chaosphere]

If I caught my girlfriend spying on me, she'd be out on her a$$ in a minute flat. I'm sure you're a nice person and all but that's no way to treat a significant other. Look to make some deep changes and do some real soul searching, because your behavior will eventually catch up with you.

 

[anonymousguy]

jesus. This sounds like a "nice guy"-thread.. only in this case it's a woman!!
Look at this website.. it might help you:
Nice guys

Insecurity will kill of your relationship. No male or female want that their freedom is limited by somebody else. We are still individuals. Either you change, or you lose your guy. It's up to you. The truth hurts.. doesn't it? But a lot of "nice guys" on this forum has learnt it the "hard way" (losing a lot of ladies....).

Goodluck

 

[TesuqueRed]

l-s - get yourself in with a no-nonsense counselor who will challenge you on this and get hard-core behavior modification. Everything short of that will be at the Cosmo-level of self-help / therapy -- all nice intentions, excessive rationalizing and endless light-weight analysis leading you nowhere. Posting here and elsewhere is fine, but you probably want industrial strength help on this. Pick the right counselor (get some ornery cuss who is results based, not some do-gooder that did well in college and post-grad on pysch), your progress will be faster, more intense and will shoot past all the self-deluding feel-good crap, which you don't need.

Whether the current BF sticks around or not, you'll still have to deal with this anyway. Treat it like a medical condition -- handle it fast and early, and get it done.

 

[donpepot]

I really feel for you, so I'm gonna give you some rock solid advice which will make your life almost pure bliss....

1- Be faithful to your man
2- Accept the fact that your man will flirt with other chicks and may even be unfaithful..
3- Accept that there are better females with better qualities than you out there.. and that your man may be tempted to stray or even leave you..
4- Accept his authority in the relationship
5- Give your man support and understanding without undermining his authority.
6- Give him sex whenever he likes.
7- Work on your Blow Job technique. and give him a spontaneous BJ every now and then, but don't complain when he rejects it coz he could be busy.
7- Dress up for him, wear high heels..

8- Accept the mentality that you are supremely lucky to even have him as your BF...

Hope this helps...

ps. Also don't go snooping around either

exactly..very good points....and play hard to get sometimes...

 

[MrCode]

You are a female AFC!

Hi lovesstar,

Basically it sounds like you are the female version of the AFC (Average Frustrated Chump) that many of the men on this site first started off as.

You have low self-esteem, you are insecure, you are so concerned about losing your man that you fear any possible threat to your relationship, and you do irrational things like spy on him. You are also clingy and spend way too much time with him, never truly giving him the gift of missing you.

Of course all the above is essentially a summation of your first post, but you know what the good news is: you realize you have a problem. That is always the first step in solving any personality problem, realizing you have it. Many people go years and years without ever truly looking at themselves and seeing their flaws, so you should pat yourself on the back for being aware of your own issues.

You also have the motivation to solve your problems because you took the step to ask for help on these boards.

Ironically I bet much of the advice we give to male AFCs on this site can help you. Because the truly best advice is the advice that helps someone's inner game, not a bunch of crap about external techniques. For example I never got very good with women until I conquered the demons within. Once I became proud of who I was and realized how lucky any woman would be to have me, my confidence shot up and I started doing very well. Of course I still have areas to improve (no one ever achieves perfection), but that is OK, because I know I'm capable of improving.

I think you can improve too, but you need to accept that in the process you might lose this man. I know you love him, but for all you know he actually likes your neediness, and improving yourself could make him feel threatened and leave. He is your "oneitis", which is something we always tell male AFCs to forget about. Of course this is slightly different since he is your boyfriend, but still, until you can accept the fact that you might lose him, you will never be free of your self-imposed jail of jealousy and insecurity.

 

[Krassus]

Seriously, you should just show him this post. I mean it. He probably thinks you ENJOY being like that and has no idea that you actually wanna change, for him, to make him happy. Trust me, show him the post. He'll help you change. He knows you better than anyone.

 

[DonJuanForever]

Love star is good that you are seeking advice on how to better your relationship. I will do my best to provide to you the truth.

I know that we all have insecurities but I believe an insecurity is just a voice within our heads that confirms to us, "We are not fully informed."

I used to have insecurities about approaching women until I discovered that I was already attractive due to my natural dominance and all I had to do was just be myself.

Lovestar apparently, there is something about your boyfriend and your relationship that you are unsure of and the only resolution to the problem, is to sit down with yourself FIRST, and ask yourself these questions:
1. Where am I at currently in my life and growth? Do I feel as if I am a whole person, living life to the fullest, living the life I want, etc?
2. Are the people that I have in my immediate circle, supportive or against who I feel and know that I am as a person, and where I am looking to go?

Start honestly with the first question. Usually, if you are not whole yourself, do what you have to do, read what you have to read, so that you reagain your peace, joy, and contentment in yourself. Its only then when you be able to see CLEARLY, where it is you want to go in life, where you are now, and what it is you need to do, read, and surround yourself with to get there.

Once you do this, you will be able to see CLEARLY, from your interactions with your boyfriend, his actions, etc., what type of person he really is, where it is he is going, and what it will require for you to keep him around, IF....you decide.

What usually happens as a result of this, is that you begin to LIVE AGAIN, which I believe you would eventually begin to do.

 

[AudiTy]

You need to eliminate as many negative thoughts as possible in all areas of your life.

Everytime you act in a way that is killing your relationship, remember:

1. I'm secure
2. I trust him
3. I respect his privacy

Remember this quote from Napolean Hill's book 'Think and Grow Rich':

"It is a well known fact that one comes, finally, to BELIEVE whatever one repeats to one's self, whether the statement be true or false. If a man repeats a lie over and over he will eventually accept the lie as truth. Moreover, he will believe it to be the truth."

This applies to you, everytime you say "I'm a mess", "I'm insecure" and "I don't deserve him". The more you reinforce these beliefs the more like them you will become. Transform negative thoughts into positive and you then become positive in yourself and your actions.

This sounds like wacky shyt, but it's the truth and it works by the nature of human beings. You're just reversing the negative effects that have been building up over the years. They are just beliefs, and can be changed.

-AudiTy =o

 

[Tomatoes]

Oh **** she found me on these forums! Run!

Only kidding

 

[wayword]

I know I totally have to work on my self esteem. Everyday people tell me how pretty I am and yet to ME I am not. I am just a total mess.

He has caught me snooping a couple of times but has no clue of the extent of it.

Do you think I can fix things?

You must fix yourself. Cuz the problem is not you or outside of you - it is YOU and inside YOU...

DROP YOUR BAGGAGE from your last relationship.

If not, ironically, your insecurities about him cheating...might actually cause him to cheat on you. Or even you to cheat on him first...

INSECURITY SABOTAGES RELATONSHIPS. And if you can't fix that yet, then you're probably not really ready to be in one.

 

[aftershock]

I normally dislike women on these forums as many come to preach incorrect advice to those who do not need nor want it.

However, as you are here to get help, and need it, I don't see a problem with helping you.

I'm going to post a link to the "DJ Bible". This is a collection of posts which are the best in the forum. I think that if you read some of Step 2: Uplifting Material and Step 5: Attitude, it would help you. The advice is for men, but I think that it'd help you anyway, since you sound like an extreme female version of what we call an AFC (Average Fustrated Chump, of which one trait is acting insecure and losing their partner because of it, like you are).

The DJ Bible

Good luck.

 

[Mission]

Can a mod lock this thread now please.

--Mission

 

[tmpgstx]

She wants love with this guy when he came at her from a *chump* angle. He put the cart before the horse, drinking or not. It scares her that he might be shallow and use her.

We have the reverse thing going on .. a girl who wants romance and a guy who wants sex. Alot of guys on this board are here because of the opposite. They want romance and the girl either want sex (or not) but no romance.

 

[aftershock]

We have the reverse thing going on .. a girl who wants romance and a guy who wants sex. Alot of guys on this board are here because of the opposite. They want romance and the girl either want sex (or not) but no romance.

What the f**k are you going on about???

 

[Dobo]

I good friend of mine was cheated on by her ex. She was down and out for months. I did not know her while this was going on. A co-worker of mine informed me of the whole ordeal. She said that after she stopped feeling bad about herself, or was fed up with feeling like that, she spiritually "grew a pair of balls" In her mind she toughened up, vowing to never let a guy treat her like that again. Now before I met this girl, she was a real pushover. Now she is the one doing the pushing. She sticks up for herself. And to be honest, I fell for her. I wanted to be with her really badly.

What I'm trying to say is that you should take a page out of her book and toughen up. Don't let anyone push you around like that. What you are doing now will eventually drive him away. You need to sort out your insecurities. Hell see a shrink. The fact that he is still with you after 2 years shows that he is definitly dedicated to you. He definitly wants you and only you. He deserves the respect and the benefit of the doubt for that. He will do things that you won't like, eg play basketball, but in the end he will be there for YOU. All you have to do is show that you trust him. I can tell you do, deep down