FourPostsofFury
New Member
Hello SoSuave
I have learned a lot from this site. The site has taught me to appreciate life, instead of sitting in a darkened basement room hoping it'll end soon. I now am the person I want to be, i'm confident in my abilities, I don't believe in failure, i'm fairly successful with attractive members of the opposite.
I know the value of ****y + funny, being light-hearted and jocular when appropriate, living for yourself and making yourself happy, instead of praying that one day you'll meet some magical woman that is going to do all that for you. I know the best thing to do to conquer oneitis is to spin plates.
However, in spite of applying all of this, I am once again facing a predicament that I know this site can shed some much needed value and insight on.
I met this woman a couple of months ago. We started casually dating shortly after. She's honest, hard-working, loyal, intelligent, has interesting hobbies, isn't clingy or possessive, pays for her half of the dates etc... I can see myself entering a LTR with this woman. I'm looking for something a little longer than waking up in some girl's dorm room Saturday afternoon, washing out my mouth, then going 'Yep, that was fun. I'll text you sometime'.
So here's the problem:
Due to her life experiences being not too kind to her, her general disposition can be described as moody, withdrawn, and cold. Now you're probably saying 'alright jackass, that means she isn't interested'. I would like to agree with you, since that'd solve my problem. However, she has a funny way of showing disinterest. She picks me up for our dates, pay for her half of the date, and never flakes out on me. Sometimes when we first meet up, she seems cold, and I have to forcibly bring out the social part of her with a delicate balance of ****y + funny, a little bit of teasing, and a whole lot of intelligent discourse. If her *****shield hasn't reached critical mass yet, I fear it may consume us all.
Things kind of came to a catalyst a couple of weeks ago when we had the dreaded conversations about feelings, since I noticed she was really withdrawing. I called her out on it, and she said that we felt we were moving too fast, that intimacy kind of scares her, and she isn't ready for the pace i'm dictating(All we've done was make out at this point). If this was any of my plates, I would've been like 'haha okay, see ya later' and never bothered with it. But because I just then realized I developed feelings for her, I was a little bit hurt, but quickly recovered. So I gave her two choices. Due to my romantic interest in her, and her disinterest we could just go our separate ways and part amicably, or we can slow it down and she can continue to be woo'd by my good looks and charming personality. She enthusiastically chose the second option.
On our last date, she laid out the blueprint to her entire personality and dysfunctional indifference. I'm the first guy she has dated in eight years, since the dissolution of her marriage. I'm the first guy she has kissed since she last kissed her ex-husband who gives a **** how long ago. We had dinner with one of her friends a while ago, and her friend was shocked she brought a guy (me) with her. I've seen myriads of guys hit on her and all get shot down in hilarious fashion. I'm the exception.
She acts cold, indifferent, and uncaring as a difference mechanism, because she is scared of being hurt again. She doesn't want to be let down by someone who is supposed to care about her, who she cares about. She believes if she doesn't care about something, that something has no way of causing her any sort of grief or hurt. I listened to her pour her heart out to me, I occasionally replyed with something that sounded at least remotely intelligent or prescient, do a little teasing, respectfully challenged her views. It was actually a pretty good conversation that lasted an hour before we both had to go do things. Before we parted, I told her I was going to kiss her and she had ten seconds to move out of the way. She didn't resist and was extremely receptive to it.
It may seem like she has LI levels, but I think may just have to be really persistent, yet very respectful of the space she thinks she needs with this one. Maybe i'm just trying to convince myself there's something there that really isn't. Nothing has ever came easy for me in life. If I wanted to excel at something, I had to put in double the effort of anyone else. It's not in my character to give up despite astronomical opposition. I believe I may also have a small, latent Captain Save A Ho/Messiah complex. I know the majority of the responses will be telling me to just let her go now, and have it hurt for a little bit, than keep trying to close the distance and deflect the *****shield and actually engage in a relationship with this woman, or is it a lost cause?
*I know for a fact she isn't seeing any other guys on the side
**We're both in the military, I'm a Marine, she's in the Navy. I'm being deployed in about two months. She knows this. I ask her, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to get attached to someone deploying to one of the world's ****holes, and she says 'You think I don't understand how the military works? I already thought of that' and continues to see me. I admit I don't know what the **** this means.
*** She's also not the type to sleep or date around randomly/casually either.
I'm considering the following:
-Telling her we should go our separate ways, because it feels like it's always two steps forward, three steps back with her. I know it will hurt at first, but if I keep trying and keep falling for her, it'll probably only hurt worse. I'll just spin a few more plates, go to a few more MMA classes, listen to some slightly angrier music for a while until she dissipates from my mind
-Keep trying with renewed persistent, being careful to keep my distance and her space, make her realize she's happier with me in her life. I mean whenever I text her she responds as soon as possible, and she keeps showing up to to pick me up whenever I say we go out on a date. I guess this indicates high IL? I don't ****ing know.
All I know is I don't want to put all myself out there for a girl again. Like everyone here I did that before and only got eviscerated from the inside out. I don't want to feel like that again.
Anyone have any experience with really cold and distance girls? Words of wisdom, guidance? I think just typing this out helped me a lot, and some input from objective third parties would be great
I have learned a lot from this site. The site has taught me to appreciate life, instead of sitting in a darkened basement room hoping it'll end soon. I now am the person I want to be, i'm confident in my abilities, I don't believe in failure, i'm fairly successful with attractive members of the opposite.
I know the value of ****y + funny, being light-hearted and jocular when appropriate, living for yourself and making yourself happy, instead of praying that one day you'll meet some magical woman that is going to do all that for you. I know the best thing to do to conquer oneitis is to spin plates.
However, in spite of applying all of this, I am once again facing a predicament that I know this site can shed some much needed value and insight on.
I met this woman a couple of months ago. We started casually dating shortly after. She's honest, hard-working, loyal, intelligent, has interesting hobbies, isn't clingy or possessive, pays for her half of the dates etc... I can see myself entering a LTR with this woman. I'm looking for something a little longer than waking up in some girl's dorm room Saturday afternoon, washing out my mouth, then going 'Yep, that was fun. I'll text you sometime'.
So here's the problem:
Due to her life experiences being not too kind to her, her general disposition can be described as moody, withdrawn, and cold. Now you're probably saying 'alright jackass, that means she isn't interested'. I would like to agree with you, since that'd solve my problem. However, she has a funny way of showing disinterest. She picks me up for our dates, pay for her half of the date, and never flakes out on me. Sometimes when we first meet up, she seems cold, and I have to forcibly bring out the social part of her with a delicate balance of ****y + funny, a little bit of teasing, and a whole lot of intelligent discourse. If her *****shield hasn't reached critical mass yet, I fear it may consume us all.
Things kind of came to a catalyst a couple of weeks ago when we had the dreaded conversations about feelings, since I noticed she was really withdrawing. I called her out on it, and she said that we felt we were moving too fast, that intimacy kind of scares her, and she isn't ready for the pace i'm dictating(All we've done was make out at this point). If this was any of my plates, I would've been like 'haha okay, see ya later' and never bothered with it. But because I just then realized I developed feelings for her, I was a little bit hurt, but quickly recovered. So I gave her two choices. Due to my romantic interest in her, and her disinterest we could just go our separate ways and part amicably, or we can slow it down and she can continue to be woo'd by my good looks and charming personality. She enthusiastically chose the second option.
On our last date, she laid out the blueprint to her entire personality and dysfunctional indifference. I'm the first guy she has dated in eight years, since the dissolution of her marriage. I'm the first guy she has kissed since she last kissed her ex-husband who gives a **** how long ago. We had dinner with one of her friends a while ago, and her friend was shocked she brought a guy (me) with her. I've seen myriads of guys hit on her and all get shot down in hilarious fashion. I'm the exception.
She acts cold, indifferent, and uncaring as a difference mechanism, because she is scared of being hurt again. She doesn't want to be let down by someone who is supposed to care about her, who she cares about. She believes if she doesn't care about something, that something has no way of causing her any sort of grief or hurt. I listened to her pour her heart out to me, I occasionally replyed with something that sounded at least remotely intelligent or prescient, do a little teasing, respectfully challenged her views. It was actually a pretty good conversation that lasted an hour before we both had to go do things. Before we parted, I told her I was going to kiss her and she had ten seconds to move out of the way. She didn't resist and was extremely receptive to it.
It may seem like she has LI levels, but I think may just have to be really persistent, yet very respectful of the space she thinks she needs with this one. Maybe i'm just trying to convince myself there's something there that really isn't. Nothing has ever came easy for me in life. If I wanted to excel at something, I had to put in double the effort of anyone else. It's not in my character to give up despite astronomical opposition. I believe I may also have a small, latent Captain Save A Ho/Messiah complex. I know the majority of the responses will be telling me to just let her go now, and have it hurt for a little bit, than keep trying to close the distance and deflect the *****shield and actually engage in a relationship with this woman, or is it a lost cause?
*I know for a fact she isn't seeing any other guys on the side
**We're both in the military, I'm a Marine, she's in the Navy. I'm being deployed in about two months. She knows this. I ask her, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to get attached to someone deploying to one of the world's ****holes, and she says 'You think I don't understand how the military works? I already thought of that' and continues to see me. I admit I don't know what the **** this means.
*** She's also not the type to sleep or date around randomly/casually either.
I'm considering the following:
-Telling her we should go our separate ways, because it feels like it's always two steps forward, three steps back with her. I know it will hurt at first, but if I keep trying and keep falling for her, it'll probably only hurt worse. I'll just spin a few more plates, go to a few more MMA classes, listen to some slightly angrier music for a while until she dissipates from my mind
-Keep trying with renewed persistent, being careful to keep my distance and her space, make her realize she's happier with me in her life. I mean whenever I text her she responds as soon as possible, and she keeps showing up to to pick me up whenever I say we go out on a date. I guess this indicates high IL? I don't ****ing know.
All I know is I don't want to put all myself out there for a girl again. Like everyone here I did that before and only got eviscerated from the inside out. I don't want to feel like that again.
Anyone have any experience with really cold and distance girls? Words of wisdom, guidance? I think just typing this out helped me a lot, and some input from objective third parties would be great
I will be very surprised if things actually ever go back to being the same. The turning point was when it was you who wanted to tie her down. As explained on this forum, daily, it is the broad who's supposed to tame down the guy and prove why he should give up his freedom to settle down. :nono: You broke that rule, and mainly because deep down, you know her interest in you is not as high as yours is in her.