Need Advice

[dustmuffin]

OK,

A little background. My mother was a multi-millionaire at one time but squandered most of her money. She has a little left in the family home. She doesn't have any liquid assets and borrows money from me when she is in a tight spot, which is quite often. She recently broke her leg so I have been helping her out by taking her to the doctor and running errands. I have always been there for her. My brother who has passed was always a burden. He was in and out of jail, substance abuse and what not. She was always coming to his rescue and spent a lot of money on him. I was always the responsible one.

Anyway, I have been a good son and have done what is expected of me. I ran some errands for her today and afterwards she informs me that she wants the grandchildren to inherit what she has left. Mind you they have done nothing. This, in my opinion was a slap in the face. I have always supported her and now she wants to disinherit me for no good reason.

It's her money and she can do as she wants. But, I think I will tell her to borrow money from her grandkids and have them do repairs around her house as I won't be doing that anymore.

What do you guys think?

 

[lamath]

Not fair i agree
At a minimum she should split it.

 

[dustmuffin]

Not fair i agree
At a minimum she should split it.

No, I should get it all. The grandchildren are not capable of loaning her money or doing repairs around her house. That is what I want opinions on. Should I continue to offer her these services.

 

[ubercat]

Hey DM good to see you still round

Still a woman. Leave it 3 days then discuss. Lots of old people play this inheritance game. Don't play. You ve become attached to the idea of money you don't control. Like most attachments it can hurt you. If there are grandkids there are siblings can you share the load?

And when you discuss in emotional terms. I guess I felt hurt because I d always been close to you.... If you make it about money you would be reinforcing her inheritance game.

 

[marmel75]

All I can say is I'm glad I didn't grow up in a typical American family. I can't even fathom something like this happening in my family.

 

[evan12]

I think she have some sentiment toward you , and usually she converse herself that she already give you a lot and no need to give you more. It could be she is loving alone and angry no body around her. Or she might want to signal to you that you need to work harder to please her if you want the inheritance

 

[dustmuffin]

Hey DM good to see you still round

Still a woman. Leave it 3 days then discuss. Lots of old people play this inheritance game. Don't play. You ve become attached to the idea of money you don't control. Like most attachments it can hurt you. If there are grandkids there are siblings can you share the load?

And when you discuss in emotional terms. I guess I felt hurt because I d always been close to you.... If you make it about money you would be reinforcing her inheritance game.

My only brother is dead. He was a burden on the family. He sired many children which my mom paid child support. It isn't about the money it's about respect. I don't care about the money. What I want an answer to is should I continue to support her when she obviously does not value me.

 

[dustmuffin]

I think she have some sentiment toward you , and usually she converse herself that she already give you a lot and no need to give you more. It could be she is loving alone and angry no body around her. Or she might want to signal to you that you need to work harder to please her if you want the inheritance

No, she has given me little because I have been responsible and made my own way. I won't work harder to please her because I don't need her money. I have plenty. It's about respect.

 

[dustmuffin]

All I can say is I'm glad I didn't grow up in a typical American family. I can't even fathom something like this happening in my family.

Believe me, I didn't grow up in a typical American family. It was dysfunctional as hell. My father was a narcissistic ******* and my mother wasn't much better.

 

[BeExcellent]

DM this is a tough one. Are any of the grandchildren your kids or did only your brother have children?

If you have this conversation with your mom you will create resentment and you will not gain an outcome where she sees the error of her ways. She will see you as selfish/ungrateful. You help people you love because you love them...not because of possible gain. The result of the conversation would be disastrous. Don’t have it.

She sees you as able to take care of yourself and having made your own way, as not needing the money.

This is a perfect scenario for the 9th law in 48 Laws of Power: Win Through Your Actions Never Through Argument

Withdraw and become less available. Suggest that she request her grandchildren to assist her. Distance yourself. This is an argument you’ll never win...but perhaps the opportunity to see if her grandkids will assist her will be eye opening.

Invest less time if you think that is the better play. You’ve nothing to lose with that course of action. Maybe the grandkids will actually help. Maybe they can get to know your mom better & take some burden off you,

Don’t over sacrifice yourself. Respect yourself if you want her to respect you. If she won’t respect you? Reduce your load, let her ask someone else or pay someone else.

Don’t stay in a dynamic you resent...but a conversation is unlikely to change her mind. She thinks she’s helping people even if every single one of them would blow the money. She sees herself as a benefactor to them. You won’t change her mind and you won’t help your cause.

The whole thing stinks. I greatly dislike unappreciative people.

 

[allancc3]

Never take advice from a woman.

 

[GrowingPains]

You say you don't care about the money, yet the fact that she won't give you the money is what's bothering you.

How can we be sure that you don't care about the money when it's what's causing you to feel slighted?

Did she take care of you when you needed it? Do you need the money? Do you care about her and would you have cared for her if she didn't have the money? I assume so, because she's your mom.

I think an ego check is in order. In this context, I'm defining ego as Ryan Holiday would - an unhealthy belief in your own self importance. I understand you helped her out. That's great. You're a great son. But if you did so without expecting a penny from her, then you shouldn't feel slighted.

Let's think rationally and not emotionally. Are the grandkids the children of your deceased brother? Maybe she feels like their lives would be better, given that they're fatherless and potentially worse off than you, if they had it than you would be. Do her day to day actions show that she appreciates you?

Why don't you just ask her. Tell her it bothers you. After 3 days. When your tides of your emotions have calmed. We can still have honest conversations with our loved ones, right? I can see where BE is coming from though, the conversation might ruin the relationship. But sometimes bottling it up can too. I'm just saying the only person who can give you a straight up answer is your mom. Sounds like that's what you want anyways. But if you were to go that route... I'd bring it up casually, not in some super serious interrogating way that makes it sound like you want her money or you're gonna throw a tantrum. Just do it in a calm, curious way.

 

[allancc3]

Everybody cares about the money.

 

[backseatjuan]

It's her money and she can do as she wants.

Are you retarded? It's your mother. You support her financially and otherwise until she dies and you don't take what she says up your ass. You be a good boy.

 

[Crown]

I think you should respect her decision and stop looking for her validation. If she thinks it's a good idea to give all her money to her grandchildren, then let her do it and face the consequences behind her actions.

I'm totally against the idea "It's your mother/father, you should always love her/him". If a parent doesn't show love through its actions, you shouldn't either. If she always helped your brother, then let her keep doing it. You on the other side, you should live your life and stop caring for someone that doesn't do much for you.

 

[TheMonkeyKing]

The old saying goes, 'Treat people as you want to be treated yourself'. The old saying doesn't go, 'You will be treated the way you treat other people'.

One major realisation I've come to over the years is that you won't have your good intentions reciprocated by most people you meet. In fact, the more you do for people, they will often take advantage until such time that they have no use for you. Be nice and do good deeds because its the right thing to do. But remember that expecting reciprocity is the very essence of the nice guy.

Look after you mother, as she probably did for you once upon a time. But don't be too available. She will respect you and your time more.

Try 48 Laws of Power if you haven't already (the full book).

 

[marmel75]

Believe me, I didn't grow up in a typical American family. It was dysfunctional as hell. My father was a narcissistic ******* and my mother wasn't much better.

That's my point...that IS the typical American Family...

 

[Dr.Suave]

Go ghost, no contact. Just kidding.

Ignore her inheritance comments. She might come around eventually.

Next time she needs something from you, joke around that maybe the grandchildren should earn their inheritance.

 

[ubercat]

Sorry mate I wasn't getting at you. Just suggesting how you might handle it.