need advice with female bullsh*t

[ne0phyte]

this has been buggin me for a while, but i just don't know how to handle it with it without seeming needy/ like a girl.

basically, every once in a while, my friend decides to get passive aggressive on me. usually, she's nice, responds to my texts, cracks jokes,etc. Then BAM, it's like a switch gets flipped (just for me). suddenly, when she sees me, she mutters a hello without smiling. talks to me with a deadpan face. she still lights up when she speaks to other people. i text her to hangout with our group of friends, and she never responds (not even a simple no), but calls one of our other friends whose with me and talks with them. when she's like this, i have to find out what she's doing through my other friends.

for those that have been following, she's the girl with a bf that I'm attracted to. But I haven't made things weird (not that I know of anyway). It bothers the hell out of me because I'm not used to being treated this way at all. I respect other people, and expect others (especially "friends") to have the common courtesy to respect me.

so far, i've just been ignoring it. but it's becoming kind of like a vicious cycle. the colder she acts towards me, the more I pull back and act colder towards her. when she's in a good mood, we hang out, crack jokes, etc. when she's like this, we don't hang out, and don't even really talk. lol, it sounds like a break up, but that's why I'm confused. why the hell is it sounding like a break up?

should i ask her what's up? or keep ignoring what she's doing? i expect friends to be courteous, not passive aggressive. i thought it was pms, until i found out she was just acting like that to me. if she was like this all the time, i wouldn't bother with her "friendship". and she sure as hell wouldn't be a high quality person. but this has happened before. and guess what, a few weeks later, and she starts being friendly, nice and asking me to hang out again.

 

[sodbuster]

Flat out tell her "we can talk when you are in a better mood". If that doesn't work,"free up her future"[next her as a friend'

 

[Uberguy]

It bothers the hell out of me because I'm not used to being treated this way at all. I respect other people, and expect others (especially "friends") to have the common courtesy to respect me.

You can't control how other people react to you. But you can control how you react to other people.

She's not treating you with respect? Okay. Then why treat her with your attention?

If some b!tch thinks she's too cool for you -- in a romantic manner or otherwise -- the best course of action is to ignore her.

 

[Deadly_Ripped]

Yeah man, she's got a boyfriend and she treats you like dirt. Why are you keeping that futile hope alive?

 

[ne0phyte]

i'll just keep ignoring her. but like i said, what's making it unclear is that she changes her attitude back and forth, like she's unsure what she wants. if she was rude to me all the time, then i'm not stupid. wouldn't even bother with her bs. but then she goes back to being normal after a week or so.

the damned thing is she is in my study group, and our study group does stuff together, so i can't invite the other members and not her (then i would be passive aggressive). whenever she does this to me, i just try to remain unreactive. I just politely say hello, say some filler crap (what did you think of that test/lecture/quiz) and then go talk to my other friends.

it's just pissing me off because i shouldn't have to deal with this BS from "friends"

 

[Warrior74]

i'll just keep ignoring her. but like i said, what's making it unclear is that she changes her attitude back and forth, like she's unsure what she wants. if she was rude to me all the time, then i'm not stupid. wouldn't even bother with her bs. but then she goes back to being normal after a week or so.

the damned thing is she is in my study group, and our study group does stuff together, so i can't invite the other members and not her (then i would be passive aggressive). whenever she does this to me, i just try to remain unreactive. I just politely say hello, say some filler crap (what did you think of that test/lecture/quiz) and then go talk to my other friends.

it's just pissing me off because i shouldn't have to deal with this BS from "friends"

Keep doing what you're doing. You can't control other people, you can only control yourself. Control yourself.

 

[d!ckmojo]

Any sign you give that its affecting you is an admission of weakness.

I don't know the full situation, but its quite possible that she does like you, in which case she will test you. If a girl likes a guy, she will test him for weakness.. If you show weakness, her attraction dies.

So you must not let her know that her attitude affects you.

That said, how many times are you going to forgive her for disrespecting you dude? If she keeps disrespecting you, and yet you still feel infatuation for her, how can she ever feel attraction for you?

Lose your infatuation for her dude, think of her and treat her like an annoying little sister. When she is cool and aloof on you, think "phew" to yourself, "so glad that stupid b1tch isn't trying to annoy me atm".

And when she is being all friendly, you're all condescending like "yes, I'll humour you, but you really are insignificant to me".

I don't know why human interaction works they way it does, its almost like designed to frustrate ppl until they figure it out. But if you like her, you lose. If you hate her, you lose. Charismatic indifference is the only path to success.

 

[jawbreaker73]

this has been buggin me for a while, but i just don't know how to handle it with it without seeming needy/ like a girl.

basically, every once in a while, my friend decides to get passive aggressive on me. usually, she's nice, responds to my texts, cracks jokes,etc. Then BAM, it's like a switch gets flipped (just for me). suddenly, when she sees me, she mutters a hello without smiling. talks to me with a deadpan face. she still lights up when she speaks to other people. i text her to hangout with our group of friends, and she never responds (not even a simple no), but calls one of our other friends whose with me and talks with them. when she's like this, i have to find out what she's doing through my other friends.

for those that have been following, she's the girl with a bf that I'm attracted to. But I haven't made things weird (not that I know of anyway). It bothers the hell out of me because I'm not used to being treated this way at all. I respect other people, and expect others (especially "friends") to have the common courtesy to respect me.

so far, i've just been ignoring it. but it's becoming kind of like a vicious cycle. the colder she acts towards me, the more I pull back and act colder towards her. when she's in a good mood, we hang out, crack jokes, etc. when she's like this, we don't hang out, and don't even really talk. lol, it sounds like a break up, but that's why I'm confused. why the hell is it sounding like a break up?

should i ask her what's up? or keep ignoring what she's doing? i expect friends to be courteous, not passive aggressive. i thought it was pms, until i found out she was just acting like that to me. if she was like this all the time, i wouldn't bother with her "friendship". and she sure as hell wouldn't be a high quality person. but this has happened before. and guess what, a few weeks later, and she starts being friendly, nice and asking me to hang out again.

ive had a similar experience with my ex. extreme mood changes and all.next time you should turn things on her face by being extremely cold when she is in a good mood, wants to hang out, etc. dont crack jokes, dont laugh at her jokes, donot return her calls..basically play the same game she is playing with you...and yea also be nice to your mutual friends and make sure she gets to know tht you're nice with other people.

 

[ne0phyte]

jawbreaker73, i thought about playing games like that on her, but then i realized i'm a better person than that. I actually respect people. like d!ckmojo and warrior74 have said, i'm just going to remain unreactive while she pulls this BS. I'm not going to be completely cold (i don't think I can be given the small size of our study group), i'm just going to be courteous but distant. and yeah, i'm always nice to our mutual friends. they are real friends by definition, as they don't pull this disrespectful crap on me.

one question that you made me think of is this - when she starts being friendly again, should I remain distant? She's done this twice before, and it's basically reset whatever rapport we had with each other.

This is the cycle that's been going on. when we met, we hung out in groups. we talk to each other occassionally. find out we have a lot in common. we hang out more. She goes cold out of the blue, I ignore her. eventually, she becomes friendly again, she asks me to hang out, i say i'm busy. We only hangout in groups. we go out drinking and start talking again. then she goes cold out of the blue....

what's bothering me is right now, it seems she's in control. by pulling this hot/cold BS, she's determining, in a way, when we are friends and when we aren't. That's why i want to call her out on this so badly.

 

[hisstory]

Ignore her and find a new friend.

 

[jawbreaker73]

one question that you made me think of is this - when she starts being friendly again, should I remain distant? She's done this twice before, and it's basically reset whatever rapport we had with each other.

This is the cycle that's been going on. when we met, we hung out in groups. we talk to each other occassionally. find out we have a lot in common. we hang out more. She goes cold out of the blue, I ignore her. eventually, she becomes friendly again, she asks me to hang out, i say i'm busy. We only hangout in groups. we go out drinking and start talking again. then she goes cold out of the blue....

what's bothering me is right now, it seems she's in control. by pulling this hot/cold BS, she's determining, in a way, when we are friends and when we aren't. That's why i want to call her out on this so badly.

i can totally relate to you. this gal i mentioned before used to this kinda stuff with me...and like any normal person i also used to get upset with these emotional swings and would ask her whats the reason and argue with her..ofcourse nothing changed except that I wasted a lot of time and money. but lately ive been playing her game. i would not receive her calls whenever she pulls off a bad behaviour...would disconnect her call once in a while..never give straight answer to any of her questions...etc etc..whenever she mentions abt hanging out or anything i'd just tease her saying we're not gonna meet again(she is in a different town) and basically treat her like she's my lil sister or a a good friend who is trying to seek my attention.and this drives her mad.


the thing with your friend is whenever she wants you, you're available for her.whenever she is in a good mood you're there to laugh and have fun with her. Also she is not punished for her bad behaviour so she is prolly thinking she can get away playing with your emotions. I think if you become a bit distant and a little too formal with her she'll get the point..i cant say for sure if doing this will break the pattern but its worth a try..turning her down once or twice might change her behaviour..and also remember the control she has is coz you have given her the power..you should snatch away that power from her by being aloof..dont play by her rules...ive learned it the hard way that the nicer and more accomodating you are to their rules...you get rewarded with worse behaviour.

 

[ne0phyte]

i do turn her down. what i'm saying is it always ends up being good again. i'll explain. like you and your ex, you wouldn't stay mad at her and remain together. unless you or her just walked away from it forever, after a few weeks of playing games, you guys would start talking again, and things would return to normal.

me being nonreactive does work. just now she called me ( i didn't pick up). 5 minutes later she texts me if i want anything from starbucks. 20 minutes later she texts me to go study with her. I'm still not responding. oh and this time, her cold behavior lasted from the weekend to now (the shortest she's been like this to me)

maybe my attraction is biasing me, but i think she's doing this to test me. if she didn't want to be friends, she wouldn't revert back to being super nice and generous, right? just give me the cold shoulder and back away forever. and if she thought i was some afc orbiter like some of her other friends, wouldn't i get friendly orbiter treatment (consistent, polite, treat me like an emotional tampon type behavior) towards me?

 

[terran2k]

why are you putting up with this sh!t?
it sure sounds like you're in orbit around her if you ask me. When you get to far out, she pulls you back in with kindness, and to prevent you from getting to close, she gets cold and ignores you to push you away. just keeping you neither here nor there.
right now I think you're pretending to be her friend in hopes you can snag her later down the line, just like an orbiter would.

 

[ne0phyte]

you guys are probably right. i do sound like i'm in orbit the way you put it, terran2k. i always thought orbiters were people that gave girls constant attention, whether she reciprocated or not. i'm just going to keep my distance then. what bothers me is I'm ok with being a platonic friend with her. I have other options. But i guess she has more fun playing this hot/cold game with me than being a real friend.

 

[cablecow15]

you guys are probably right. i do sound like i'm in orbit the way you put it, terran2k. i always thought orbiters were people that gave girls constant attention, whether she reciprocated or not. i'm just going to keep my distance then. what bothers me is I'm ok with being a platonic friend with her. I have other options. But i guess she has more fun playing this hot/cold game with me than being a real friend.

trust me , the only way to get over a girl uve been friends with is to leave them behind , i was head over heels with a girl that only wanted to be friends , and luckily i made new friends and got away from her , was the best thing i ever did .

 

[ne0phyte]

look, i'm at the age (24) where being a friend with someone i'm attracted to is something i can handle. It's not like i'm a complete noob/afc and tried to get her by hiding my emotions, acting asexual, being her best friend/therapist and then using reason/logic to tell her why we should be together. she's just a girl, one of ~3 billion on this planet.

I'm pissed because she doesn't respect me. Bottom line. not because she doesn't like me back (i'm a grownup, i can handle rejection). I have had a decent amount of female friends in my life so far. Some of them that I've dated, some of them that want to date me (but I'm not interested), and some that I want to date (but they aren't interested). I chose to be friends with all of them because they are cool people, and while there wasn't the right attraction or whatever, we have enough commonalities and respect for each other to be friends (and they can always introduce me to their newly single friends:rockon: ).

i thought this one could be one of my friends, but apparently not. moving on as suggested