NEED ADVICE RE Attending Party With Ex..

[Johnny Alias]

So first of all, if you don't have anything constructive to say on this, please don't say anything. I've noticed a TON of a negativity on this board lately...

Long story short, I promised this couple I would go to their going away party on Saturday night. My ex bpd gf of 4 years will be there with her new psychopath fiance. He's super prone to aggression and violence and she delights in it. Steroids kinda guy...

We broke up 6 months ago... and all the reasons I ended it have continued except now she's screaming at all her friends, getting hosptialized for drug/alcohol abuse, and is a walking talking train wreck.

I do not want her back. Even if I did my family and friends would disown me. This is who she really is not the woman who mirrored/cloned me for 4 years. That chick was mostly kind when not wasted... this one is literally out for BLOOD. Even told a mutual friend "WARN HIM WE'RE GONNA BE THERE!" and did it with a sick smile.

We've only seen each other once since the breakup and didn't say a word to each other at this other party.

So... here are my options:
1) Go to the party early and leave early. I've got a date with this hot chick to go hiking early Sunday morning anyway. Would probably miss them as they're perpetually late. I'd probably be called a coward and don't want people thinking I'm afraid of them or anything... though seeing her does make my skin crawl.

2) Go to the party and stay for the encounter. Even congratulate them and buy them a round of drinks. My way of saying "She's your mess now pal."

3) Skip the whole thing entirely and go out with some other friends. The couple would be disappointed I won't lie.

Its been nuts with her. Main reason she screams at our mutual friends is because they hang out with me. Has accused 3 of them of sleeping with me she's so goddamned paranoid.

Was also thinking about sending her an email saying, in a nutshell, "If you're so happy and in love, why are you attacking our friends? You're engaged! Why do you give a **** what I do? I don't matter. Congratulations!"

Of course I know its because she's BPD and considers everyone her possessions/toys instead of real people... Thank god she's getting OLD.

I've also got another date tonight with another hot plate and am spinning them so no need to go over that old chest nut. I need practical advice, especially from those who have experience with Cluster B's. Part of me says, "Go you don't give a ****. You have to deal with this eventually you have the same friends. Who cares? You're being weak." while the other side is still kind of PTSD'd out and says "What are you nuts??? Avoid that bvtch like the plague!"

Thanks in advance...

 

[Cremasta]

Why put yourself in an obvious position where your Saturday night could go pear-shaped?

If it's a small group, say 20 people or so, I'd call my friends, apologise and do something else that night.

If it's going to be a large group (over 100) and you know there's lots of people there who would have your back and you could easily avoid your ex and her fiance for the night, then I'd consider going.

Just not a big fan of getting my head punched in...

 

[Johnny Alias]

Espi, they would. Actually the gal who's moving made me promise I would come regardless of the ex...

I hear that reasoning. Part of me thinks even if he lost his crap and attacked me our mutual friends would see this sick couple for what they really are. That's worth a punch or two in my mind...

It's gonna be on the order of 50 or so people. I'm thinking I'll go with option 1 at this point. It's not like I don't have a legitimate excuse to leave early and I'd still save some face. This chick is a super workout fanatic and showing up for a brutal hike hungover would not go over well with her...

 

[Dgwizdal]

I would go with your head held high, be short, polite, and OWN everyone else at the party and be the life of the party. Do not pay her or her man any special attention.

She will go batsh*t crazy for your lack of f*cks given and probably make a fool of herself one way or another.

Closest to #2 - and after buying them the drink when your about to eject the encounter, pat buddy on the shoulder and say "careful bro, she bites" with a sh*t eating grin and a wink and then pursue another conversation with your friends.

Just be the f*ckin man no matter how roided her new man is. You will look like the better dude without a doubt.

 

[Peaks&Valleys]

^^^^haha, dude, love your advice.

However, I'm not sure about saying anything to the ex's new boyfriend. Whatever you will say will get back to her, and your words will get twisted, and you may look like the guy who's starting $hit.

I'd hold my head high, do your thing, but play it cool. There is a threat there, you can't just pretend there isn't and be surprised if something comes up. I'd just be polite to them, and keep your words to a minimum. You're there for your friend, pay your respects, go through the motions.

I'd have a back up plan, and play this one by ear. If things look like they're going to get messy, then slip out, and go on your way.

 

[Harry Wilmington]

How about option #4: Go to the party and just don't talk to her? No one is forcing a gun to your head saying that you have to have some kind of interaction with her. I once almost hooked up with a girl at a party who was one of my best friend's cousins, but she didn't want to go all the way. Next time I saw her at another one of my friend's party she had a boyfriend; since there was no need for me to talk to her I just didn't. I still see her every so often at one of my friend's parties and I still have no interaction with her. No animosity, just don't feel the need to have to act like I want to speak with her. If you don't go, in a way you're still allowing her to affect where you go and what you do, which is - and I rarely ever use this word - very, very beta.

 

[Mike32ct]

^^^^haha, dude, love your advice.

However, I'm not sure about saying anything to the ex's new boyfriend. Whatever you will say will get back to her, and your words will get twisted, and you may look like the guy who's starting $hit.

I'd hold my head high, do your thing, but play it cool. There is a threat there, you can't just pretend there isn't and be surprised if something comes up. I'd just be polite to them, and keep your words to a minimum. You're there for your friend, pay your respects, go through the motions.

I'd have a back up plan, and play this one by ear. If things look like they're going to get messy, then slip out, and go on your way.

^This. Don't let the ex and her attack dog trap you into a confrontation. It might start out as an "innocent conversation" and soon words may get twisted around. Nothing would soak this twisted ex's panties more than her sending her attack dog after you. Have a good time with the couple that invited you and the other good people but keep the threat awareness level at orange.

Make sure you bail early whether things go good, bad or otherwise.

Be careful where you park! Make sure you are on the end and CAN'T be blocked in. It would suck if shyte went down and you car is blocked by other cars such as psycho boy. Maybe park on the street.

 

[Mike32ct]

Even under normal circumstances, nothing pisses me off more than wanting to leave a lame party and finding three other cars blocking me in. You don't want to be in the position where you have to ask psycho boy or the ex to move their car. That just opens you up to the "Why are you leaving? Are you afraid?" trap.

Park where you can easily get out. It's key.

 

[fuko2007]

Remember these people are going away and they are your friends also so you have the right to be there. Dont send her an e-mail and dont even engage her in convo if she is there unless she talks first. Sounds like your friends have your back anyway and im sure the couple having the party would ask them to leave if any incident started to happen.

Dont let her dictate what you do and especially keeping friendships. I would go to the party have some drinks and if i felt like staying i would stay if not go home and hikeing the next day. If she or him or both start something then just walk away. Were not in high school anymore so leave that to the 18 year olds having basement partys.

Go have a good time and having a drink for me.

 

[Alvafe]

lol one thing I do when parking is give some nice distance to the next car I stop by.

by for the case here, sometimes I sure don't understand, maybe because i'm big, never afraid of fighting and know how to fight, but if someone ex or not, said she would go and to tell me, I would go with a big smile and almost taunt then with "i'm here, so what you will do now?"

this is what I said to my other friend who did not like someone in a party we would go, you will let her control your wishes now? do what you want not because what others want, she sure did this to amke you afraid and not show up, if you 2 was together for 4 years she knows this much of you, if anything any kind of agression out of him, will end with you, going to police, telling then you was assaulted, and tell her nice fiance name, so next you do your sunday fun, then monday restrition order on him and her, then next party anyone invite you, you tell the one who invited you telling her and his fiance you will go so better she do not show up or she will leave with the cops.

 

[BraddH]

lol one thing I do when parking is give some nice distance to the next car I stop by.

by for the case here, sometimes I sure don't understand, maybe because i'm big, never afraid of fighting and know how to fight, but if someone ex or not, said she would go and to tell me, I would go with a big smile and almost taunt then with "i'm here, so what you will do now?"

this is what I said to my other friend who did not like someone in a party we would go, you will let her control your wishes now? do what you want not because what others want, she sure did this to amke you afraid and not show up, if you 2 was together for 4 years she knows this much of you, if anything any kind of agression out of him, will end with you, going to police, telling then you was assaulted, and tell her nice fiance name, so next you do your sunday fun, then monday restrition order on him and her, then next party anyone invite you, you tell the one who invited you telling her and his fiance you will go so better she do not show up or she will leave with the cops.

Exactly. This is the way.

 

[poo]

obviously 3

 

[VladPatton]

Do all of the above! Go to the party, act like you don't care about their little schemes and whatnot, then say your goodbyes to the couple, and jet out of there. We're talking an hour, and hour and a half tops. Avoid contact with the douche bags at all costs and do not let them isolate you. Always be around people. Absolutely do not invite or entertain an altercation with them.

What exactly is the roided out fiance gonna do? Attack you for no reason in front of 3 dozen witnesses? If so, that gives you a way to press charges and put his ass in jail, get a restraining order, etc. You win either way, no matter the outcome!

By going and giving exactly zero fücks, you'll have the whole crowd on your side and you'll make them out to be the natural fools that they are if they try anything stupid.

 

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks for all the thoughts on this. I'm gonna ponder it a bit more... tough one to be sure...

In the meantime I have to get to gym and get ready for tonight's date. That's the fun stuff in life. This is so goddamned jr high school... and that's what these two are really... just bullies. This is the really real world. If he did pull **** then he'd go to jail. It's not like its a dive bar... its at a very nice hotel.

Hmmmmm... again my thanks to you all. I appreciate it.

 

[Pardner]

Why would you go to a place where you would be uncomfortable? What is there to ponder? Do something where you can have fun instead. Never go somewhere to feel uncomfortable with people you don't like. that is crazy.

 

[VikingKing]

Don't go, or if you do go have a good time.

 

[Johnny Alias]

OP here.

I went to party and then bailed early to get back to this other chick i had been hanging with. Didn't see her, the new fiancé, or the big rock she apparently flashed to everyone. Missed them by like 5 minutes apparently.

However Im still a mess. Won't lie. Been dreaming about her all weekend. People keep volunteering info about her without me asking.

I just can't fathom this. We went out for four years. I experienced so much abuse after the honeymoon stage with her yelling at me when she got drunk demanding things complaining about me not working always sick with something or having back trouble ruthless pms and never ending dramas involving friends or money or whatever.

And now everything's peachy keen and she's engaged to this steroid freak 6 months after we break up??? I know she's so damaged but I can't help wonder how much of it was me? My ego is in tatters right now.

Had a great date yesterday with a chick that I think might become something more... Even if I didn't why should I care so much about someone who took me to heaven and hell almost weekly?

Ugh

 

[Johnny Alias]

God she's 43 and I'm 38. Beyond all that other crap it never would have worked! She can't have a kid and her looks are gonna disappear in a year or two and are already well on their way. Why do I care? Feel so goddamned brainwashed and PTSDd out.

 

[Cremasta]

God she's 43 and I'm 38. Beyond all that other crap it never would have worked! She can't have a kid and her looks are gonna disappear in a year or two and are already well on their way. Why do I care? Feel so goddamned brainwashed and PTSDd out.

Relax man, take it easy on yourself!
Four years is a long time. Having a girl put you through the wringer would have been like being a junky... massive highs and massive lows. No matter how bad you felt sometimes, it's hard to walk away from.
Like any other drug, it'll take time to work it's way out of your system.

Stay busy, see other girls. You'll be fine, you'll see.