need advice on overcoming emotions

[azzak]

hey guys,

recently me and my gf broke up. about a month ago. shes fcuking hot, smart and really fun, we had a great connection and i did love her. but she had drug and alcohol problems, started using this evil **** called ice, got really messed up, lied to me about lots of shti and basically everything fell apart. getting back together isnt an option and probably never will be.

my mates have been great, theyve been taking me out to the beach and clubs trying to get me to pick up and get over the ex. logically, i know its the best thing to move on. i do pretty well with girls and have kissed a girl each time we have gone clubbing, but at the moment of kissing i just get this deep feeling of regret and anxiety. its really messing me up.

i feel i have oneitis over my ex. i cant stop thinking about her, all i wanna do is sms her or call or, even email. anything just to get in contact with her again.

i know this is the worst thing i can do. but its like all other girls are invisible. i know shes not the best girl for me and i know we couldnt be together again, so wtf cant i just get over it and move on..

im trying to get over her, but i keep sabotaging myself further by calling her and meeting up with her.. and just as i think im starting to get over her and move on, she will call me and ask me to come over to talk and/or fcuk. and of course, i go and do it and am back where i started..

im aware this is a really stupid post coz im asking for advice when i know exactly what i should be doing.. but this site is really great and i have learnt alot, so maybe someone reading has had a similar situation and has some advice that could help me out.

thanks for reading

 

[afc_2_dj]

I was actually in very much the same situation as you, great girl, attractive, but also with serious d&a problems and I got dragged into it.

It eventually drove me to to break up with her, which broke my heart. I loved her very much, and it takes a long time to get over something like that. Its different to breaking up with someone you hate!!

We even started getting back together but she started with someone else behind my back and that was that.

I did the same as you, and alway hoped for a call, sms or email and often called her.

i think im starting to get over her and move on, she will call me and ask me to come over to talk and/or fcuk

yeah, I know what you mean, but this unfortuanatly as you have found out really doesn't help!! You really need to distance yourself from her to give yourself time to work through your feelings without constantly reopening the wound so to speak.


I think common perception [and I agree] is the best way to get over this is to move on and find another girlfriend [maybe just any girlfriend!!].

I must say while I still felt like you, if I was able to find someone else I would quickly forget and move on. My primary problem now is regret for splitting up, and indecision over whether to try get her back [and I quite probably could] or give up and stay single, seeing in some ways we had a compromise, I sacrificed others things in life, she sacrificed having an attractive boyfriend... when I broke up with her I just reached breaking point, I never stopped to consider that of course is highly unlikly I'll find someone else given I am not exactly attractive.

From my perspective, it sounds like you are doing great with the girls in the club [ relative to me! I'd be very happy if tonight I had your sucesse ] and I think whilst it sounds corny give it a bit of time and you'll find it will work itself out your system.

 

[Jackman]

If you really want to get over this chick and move on, you're going to have to go beyond just the mental aspect of finding the right place in your head that will allow you to do that. You have to do somthing that will ultimately either prevent or make this girl think twice about taking advantage of your weakness with her whenever the mood strikes her.

This usually means crossing a line by saying something you don't really want to say and don't actually feel, or somthing you do feel but have been afriad to say.

When she calls to talk, tell her once in a while you're just not in the fvcking mood right now.

When she calls to fvck, tell her once in a while you're busy with someone else that night and to try again some other time, even if you're just sitting at home in your boxers eating Cheetos and watching Full House (you homo). Just kidding.

When she calls and you know she's on that ice, tell her you hate that sh1t and hang the phone up.

Occasionally, start dropping rejections on her here and there, even if you don't actually feel that way. You have to purposely make it harder for yourself to hook up with this girl over and over again. You have to start creating situations that require recovery to smooth things over with her.

If you want to turn it into a FB situation, be mature and friendly when you do this stuff. If you want to just move on and forget her, be a bit more rude about it.

 

[SubSoniq]

I agree with jackman, if you want to get over her, you have to do what he said, and basically tell her to go fvck herself. Let her know that you don't care anymore. Everytime that she calls, and you come running to her to talk/fvck, its giving her the impression that she can use you for what she wants without any kind of relationship strings attached. My whole dating life I've suffered from one-itis because i was a weak nice guy, and when me and my hot gf would break up, i thought 'oh god, end of the world' but you know what, there are TONS of HOTTER girls out there. Tell this one to hit the road and forget about her.

As far as FBs, i don't think you are emotionally ready for that, seeing you start to feel regret and other emotions when you do see her now, so i would really suggest to try your best and move on.

lol, if you want a good song to listen to during your hard times, you should listen to 'King of Wishful Thinking' by Go West.

ps, if you didn't know, ice is usually just the street name for crystal meth

 

[Desdinova]

but at the moment of kissing i just get this deep feeling of regret and anxiety. its really messing me up.

That's actually pretty normal after being in a LTR.

This is your problem, and you know it is:

i keep sabotaging myself further by calling her and meeting up with her.. and just as i think im starting to get over her and move on, she will call me and ask me to come over to talk and/or fcuk. and of course, i go and do it and am back where i started..

If you want to move ahead, don't give into any emotion you feel about her. Don't pick up when she calls, don't call her back, no text messaging, email, NOTHING.

Feeding your feelings (by contacting her) is like feeding seagulls. The more you feed them, the more they stick around, but if you quit feeding them, they'll eventually go away.

 

[azzak]

killing oneitis

thanks heaps for the advice and support.

i have been speaking to my mates who have had similar situation and we decided the best way to approach this is just treat it like this is some girl i have oneitis for (ignore the fact that we had a past relationship together and there was love).

so im gonna make sure im always occupied. when im not studying or in class, make sure i go surfing, talk to mates, watch movies, basically anything to keep my mind/body occupied.

i deleted all her past sms's from my fone, have removed all fotos from my room (my mates told me to burn them but i couldnt do it.. yeah yeah i know im a pvssy haha).

and most importantly, hook up with other girls. luckily i do ok with hooking up, so even though ive been so obsessed over these past few months and have basically isolated myself from all other girls, i should still be able to work around it. maybe the fact i have been ignoring all other girls will work in my favour lol.

i guess the hardest thing will be how to deal wtih it when she inevitably calls me or stops by my place, or i bump into her at class etc. i decided to just treat her like a mate, and give off signals that i dont want anything physical and basically that i no longer NEED her.

so thanks again, and if any of you guys have further advice about killing this oneitis i would greatly appreciate it