Need advice for extreme approach anxiety!

[speakeasy]

I came to this forum some time back as a complete and utter mess. I had a one-itis for years. I finally after all that time got to the point that I was dating her. She had all the power and control, but still, when you are a completely wussbag and you finally get that one-itis you've been dreaming about for a few years you feel like sky just opened up, the stars aligned and the gods are smiling down on you. It gave me a high like I never experienced. She eventually broke things off with me and sent me into an emotional tailspin. This was before I learned all this DJ stuff. I would send her long, rambling emails telling her how great a guy I am and I will try and make things better and change for her and how good she made me feel and how awful life is going to be without her, lol...as if that was going to make her change her mind. Makes me now cringe to think about it.

Well that was in the year 2002. I've come a long way since then. My inner game I think is good. My outer game has really not improved at all. Really, the only girls I get are ones that are interested in me first. Which means I basically don't have choice. I just have to take what's handed to me by circumstance. The reason for this is that I still after all this time have extreme approach anxiety. Tonight, at an outdoor concert, a girl with a 9 body and a 7 face was dancing in front of me. Her nice ass kept hitting against me. Even though it was crowded, after awhile it seemed like too much to be coincidence. I tried to mutter some words to start conversation that just didn't go anywhere. I froze like a deer in the headlights, could literally think of nothing to say. I mean my mind was a complete blank. I'm at the point of inner game where I don't care what a girl thinks of me. So I know that's not the reason for the anxiety. I cannot even explain it. It's like when I just think about wanting to walk up and say something to a girl I'm attracted to, my brain is just flooded with anxiety and shuts down. Normal functions like just having a relaxed, spontaneous, free-flowing conversation seem impossible. I'm sitting there trying to think hard of something to say, and if I do mutter something, when she replies I'm thinking hard of what I'm going to say in response to that. I feel stifled and get frustrated and usually just disengage from the feelings of extreme awkwardness. Yet, if a girl seems interested in me first, I can usually hook up without too much problem. I'm at a point where I'm tired of waiting for what's handed to me and I want to take control of my situation and get what *I* want. But I won't be able to do that until I can tackle approach anxiety, and I feel like my case is worse than others, because seriously, even if I did force myself to go up and start a conversation with a girl on the street, within a few seconds, my mind would blank out and I'd be standing there not knowing what to say next. Also, it's important for me to mention, I'm not anti-social, social phobic or reclusive or anything. I am an introvert by nature, but I can make normal conversation and be sociable just like anyone under normal circumstances, except for when it comes to approaching.

What are some steps I can make towards turning this around. I'm 33, I've been this way since I was in elementary school and I'm at the point where I'm wondering if it's just genetic or something because I haven't been seeing improvement. Tonight was a big wakeup call. I'm very frustrated. That chic had the type of body most dudes jerk off too thinking about, and I feel reasonably sure she was open to being talked to, and my deer in the headlights brain flamed-out and I could not make words come out of my mouth. I don't know how to turn this around. I'm open to advice my brothers...

 

[IamMyownMan]

Speak-the best way to conquer your fears man is to face up to them, own up to them and then just take them head on.I think you are between step one and two. Take an objective look, because if you really didn't care what she thought about you or how it went, you would just go and talk to her and that anxiety wouldn't get to you.

You might bomb out the first few times, but if you just keep doing it, that anxiety will be less and less each time. For me it is still situational, I am very comfortable in my own skin, but say for example if I go out with my friends and end up somewhere not to my liking in the course of the night, I usually bolt and head somewhere else solo. If I am not enjoying the atmosphere and having fun, it will not necessarily be easy for me to engage someone in an enthralling conversation.

FWIW-if a chick is bumping into you or rubbing her tits or ass on you, yes good man that is usually intentional. I'd say she was trying to get your attention for certain. Both of my sisters, who are attractive and can't seem to shake men off with a stick(one is now engaged and head over heels for her fiance) have told me this over the years, along with girl friends and girlfriends. I'm not big on negging a girl, but I think that would have been the perfect opportunity to open with a hey followed by a neg involving her ass. She was already initiating physical contact with you, and so the ball was in your court.

Don't sweat it too much, just go out there and approach. And if you live in a smaller town, maybe just take a trip to a city somewhere for a long weekend and just appoach every woman you see who you find attractive. At this point you goal should just be to approach, no matter the outcome. When you are comfortable with that, take it to the next step.

Long before I found this site, when I was still in undergrad, I would go out to the bars maybe one night a month with the intent of just getting shot down. Just go and run whatever bull**** I could think of. Often chicks would bail but that was part of the fun. No one is going to get yes all of the time, no matter what they may say or how it may appear.

You have to have at least one or two lines out there to catch a fish...and you'll usually have to throw a few back, a few may nibble but not take the bait, and some may even get the hook out before you end up with some good ones in the cooler.

Hey man it's not the worst thing in the world...you could have shaky hands like me. My dad has them too and he is a painter but he still paints. Anything can be overcome if you set your mind to it.

 

[horaholic]

Normally, Im not for canned openers, but in your case, they may be an answer. If you have a legitimate non threatening question, or statement, it relieves a lot of the fear. Even something as simple as "excuse me, whats the date today?" then to continue say "You look a LOT like someone I used to know. Are you related to the McCockinners, by chance?" Then, if your feelin ballsy, you can add "yeah, you look like my friend Barry's sister. Do you have a cousin Barry McCockinner?" see if she gets it!

Completely innocent, opens the door, and isnt some retarded opinion opener, (even though they work, apparently)

And, just get in the habit of introductions. Close proximity + eye contact/smile="Hi, Im speakeasy."

 

[Zunder]

I came to this forum some time back as a complete and utter mess. I had a one-itis for years. I finally after all that time got to the point that I was dating her. She had all the power and control, but still, when you are a completely wussbag and you finally get that one-itis you've been dreaming about for a few years you feel like sky just opened up, the stars aligned and the gods are smiling down on you. It gave me a high like I never experienced. She eventually broke things off with me and sent me into an emotional tailspin. This was before I learned all this DJ stuff. I would send her long, rambling emails telling her how great a guy I am and I will try and make things better and change for her and how good she made me feel and how awful life is going to be without her, lol...as if that was going to make her change her mind. Makes me now cringe to think about it.

Well that was in the year 2002. I've come a long way since then. My inner game I think is good. My outer game has really not improved at all. Really, the only girls I get are ones that are interested in me first. Which means I basically don't have choice. I just have to take what's handed to me by circumstance. The reason for this is that I still after all this time have extreme approach anxiety. Tonight, at an outdoor concert, a girl with a 9 body and a 7 face was dancing in front of me. Her nice ass kept hitting against me. Even though it was crowded, after awhile it seemed like too much to be coincidence. I tried to mutter some words to start conversation that just didn't go anywhere. I froze like a deer in the headlights, could literally think of nothing to say. I mean my mind was a complete blank. I'm at the point of inner game where I don't care what a girl thinks of me. So I know that's not the reason for the anxiety. I cannot even explain it. It's like when I just think about wanting to walk up and say something to a girl I'm attracted to, my brain is just flooded with anxiety and shuts down. Normal functions like just having a relaxed, spontaneous, free-flowing conversation seem impossible. I'm sitting there trying to think hard of something to say, and if I do mutter something, when she replies I'm thinking hard of what I'm going to say in response to that. I feel stifled and get frustrated and usually just disengage from the feelings of extreme awkwardness. Yet, if a girl seems interested in me first, I can usually hook up without too much problem. I'm at a point where I'm tired of waiting for what's handed to me and I want to take control of my situation and get what *I* want. But I won't be able to do that until I can tackle approach anxiety, and I feel like my case is worse than others, because seriously, even if I did force myself to go up and start a conversation with a girl on the street, within a few seconds, my mind would blank out and I'd be standing there not knowing what to say next. Also, it's important for me to mention, I'm not anti-social, social phobic or reclusive or anything. I am an introvert by nature, but I can make normal conversation and be sociable just like anyone under normal circumstances, except for when it comes to approaching.

What are some steps I can make towards turning this around. I'm 33, I've been this way since I was in elementary school and I'm at the point where I'm wondering if it's just genetic or something because I haven't been seeing improvement. Tonight was a big wakeup call. I'm very frustrated. That chic had the type of body most dudes jerk off too thinking about, and I feel reasonably sure she was open to being talked to, and my deer in the headlights brain flamed-out and I could not make words come out of my mouth. I don't know how to turn this around. I'm open to advice my brothers...

All you have to realise is a broad, whether she be a 1 or a 10, sits on the crapper seat just like you me. And one day, both you, her, all of us, are going to be stardust - a good looking broad is just a person, not a deity - so what the fuk have you got to lose?

 

[yuppaz]

I've gotten better at this over time. I think that by looking at an approach as just "talking to another human being" to see if they are cool, or not...has helped me. Also thinking of it as simply practice has also helped. When I see it as an enourmous deal that will make me or break me depending on the outcome is when it all goes downhill.

 

[Jitterbug]

When I used to do a lot of cold approaches (I'm doing more social circle game now) and got anxiety, I often imagined the chick I'm going up to just farted. That'd give me an amused grin on my face and solve the anxiety issue as well as give me a dose of ****iness enough for some funny banter.

 

[DJeasy]

Let's break down approach anxiety into its components.

1) Fear--You are afraid of the possible negative outcomes.
2) Nervousness--You place high importance on her reactions to you or other things you perceive out of your control.
3) Habits--You are used to acting a certain way when you feel approach anxiety.
4) Limiting Beliefs--Certain beliefs of yours (e.g. genetic introvert) provide little motivation for you to change.

Strategies:
1) Fear. If you fear possible negative outcomes, you are uncertain of the future. Develop a better ability to predict social outcomes. You can accomplish this intuitively by socializing with anyone and everyone--grocery clerk, barber, people in line. Attractive women are a subset of people and many parallels carry over. You can also approach this logically by studying female psychology, determining hierarchies of human needs and desires, and empathizing the perspectives and circumstances of the types of women you're interested in.

2) Nervousness. You care what she thinks of you, so stop and become less affected by her and others in general. Intuitively, you can approach this by consciously doing and repeating behaviors (sensibly for your own amusement) that people might have an opinion and comment on--dancing in your car, wearing liberal clothes that state your style, carefully checking out what other people are eating at a restaurant, etc.--while not avoiding eye contact with others. Logically, you can rigorously and independently define your identity, beliefs, values, and morals. The greater your hold on your beliefs, the greater your grip on your own reality. If you are not content with the reality created by your beliefs, change them. People with weak belief systems are easily brainwashed (affected by others). Weak belief systems are also why meditation works--force yourself to smile during a bad mood and you'll feel some impulse to feel better, the contagion of other feelings (like laughter) is just as easily invoked by others as it is by yourself. Realizing how beliefs develop can be to your advantage for emotional control. Logic is generally too slow and linear to quickly change emotional states.

3) Habits. The behaviors you've paired with the anxiety you feel from seeing an attractive woman (such as doing nothing besides sweat) are habits, so set new ones. It's just like developing a knee-jerk habit of saying "good" every time a stranger asks you, "How's it going?" Recognize your habits and consciously choose to pair those feelings (like approach anxiety) with desired behaviors (like approaching women). When you first develop new habits, they are your primary goal. Expect rejection in your mind if you have to, you're trying to deal with the bad habits first and foremost.

4) Limiting beliefs. It is possible that genetic disposition dictates you as an introvert, but you can't prove it conclusively anyways. What is more clear is that a belief like that imposes a limit on your potential. It is better to believe yourself limitless so that you do not consciously obstruct your own progress. Get rid of all your limiting beliefs--"I'm just not good with women," "Those 25-year-old guys have a youthful advantage," "I'm just not good at being witty or funny," etc.--and adopt new ones with higher (or no) limits.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlIrvu78NO0

Try it. seems goofy, but it works.

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

Its all in your mind.

In highschool I was mess. My inner game and inner compass was all messed up. I think some of it has to do with the definition of yourself.

There's some good books on identity. One book mentioned here, its been in some posts of books people recommend, is Maxwell Maltz's Psycho Cybernetics.

One part of the book that stuck with me is that your identity is rock solid. Violating what you think your identity is, would be like a law abiding citizen suddenly breaking the law and becoming a criminal. Its that firm.

If you identify yourself as, I cant talk, girls dont like me, etc, that becomes your identity, its hard to break out of that cycle.

One of the things I did to improve my identity is to identify with my childhood. Those days were great. My mind was clear, I could speak easily. Zero anxiety. Had friends, birthday parties, etc. If I'm out in a social setting, or talking to a girl, thats me. Thats the picture in my mind. Not the loser in highschool, etc.

I think its important to have a firm grasp on identity. Then it comes down to technique. This site gives you an incredible bag of tricks.

-Kino? Tap her on the shoulder. Ask her how the concert is going. If you're bold, spin her around.

-And a lot of the conversational starters.

But if you have technique before identity, you can drive yourself in circles not getting anywhere. Your identity overrides it, you know a bunch of technique, but you're still frozen.

Another question, what do you really want? Do you really want a girl tonight, this week? Would you be ready for a girl if she plopped over to your house right now? Some anxiety I use to have was not being ready. Your mind would freeze up because you're not really ready for the consequences of what you're doing.

 

[King Valmont]

There are many great short term solutions to trick yourself into getting rid of it temporarily... but GQ is right on its all in your identity & inner game.... once that gets fixed everything.... the whole meeting women process becomes easier.... and girls will start to sense your aura & get some to approach you.

I also recommend to write down every possible reason why you wouldn't approach on a piece of paper (example my hair is messed up, I'm tired, my breath smells... keep going) and keep this paper in your back pocket.....

You will see how ridiculous these excuses are and then its just a matter of being simple and approaching a girl, having normal conversation, and taking it to the next level (hanging out all night to lead to sex or get her number to set up a future date)

 

[Commandante]

I also recommend to write down every possible reason why you wouldn't approach on a piece of paper (example my hair is messed up, I'm tired, my breath smells... keep going) and keep this paper in your back pocket.....

That´s crazy talk. Keep always a condom in your pocket. It will remind you on the most important reason why you should approach... they may say yes...

Think positive!

 

[GQ_Confidence_1]

I also recommend to write down every possible reason why you wouldn't approach on a piece of paper (example my hair is messed up, I'm tired, my breath smells... keep going) and keep this paper in your back pocket.....

I'll add, that even this goes back to identity. You shouldnt have to worry about...my breath smells, hows my hair, if you identify and live a solid inner game.

Maybe once in awhile if you eat something bad, or if its really windy out, but most people with solid inner game/inner compass, they arent checking themselves all the time. 90% of the time, they can talk to anybody. I think thats the goal to strive for.

 

[robinincarolina]

Make a woman laugh. If you can make her smile you are in.

 

[Mr. Me]

>> the only girls I get are ones that are interested in me first.

Tonight, at an outdoor concert, a girl with a 9 body and a 7 face was dancing in front of me. Her nice ass kept hitting against me. >>

Which means she was interested in you first.

>> I tried to mutter some words to start conversation that just didn't go anywhere. I froze like a deer in the headlights, could literally think of nothing to say. I mean my mind was a complete blank.

when I just think about wanting to walk up and say something to a girl I'm attracted to, my brain is just flooded with anxiety and shuts down.

I'm sitting there trying to think hard of something to say, and if I do mutter something, when she replies I'm thinking hard of what I'm going to say in response to that.>>

Seems the common denominator there is that you're thinking about conversation to the point where it's not working for you.

Maybe the answer is to stop thinking. Stop thinking that it's about saying something and just relax and respond free association style.

Funny banter, like Jitterbug suggested.

She was banging her ass into you, you could've mocked protest that her butt was hurting you. I recall doing something like that a couple of years ago. The girl turns around with this half-laugh, mock horror "Did you just make fun of my ass?" look on her face and pretty much said as much. "Is that your ass?" I replied back, pointing to her butt. You know, silly fun stuff, you don't even really have to think of what you're going to say, you're just responding, but refusing to say anything by way of a meaningful conversation: EVERYTHING is a joke. If it clicks, they engage with you because you're being fun. Plus, it's not like you want to spend a lot of time talking to them, just banter back and forth for 10 minutes or around there and then go for the number. And remember, Rejection is better then Regret. HTH.

 

[jonwon]

The easiest way out is to find a guy who has no problems opening chicks and then being his wing-man.

That is the easist, then its a case of not fuc*ing up and supporting the guy and not stepping on his toes - A partnership.