Need Advice - Dates amounting to nothing???

[OnTheHouse]

I am hesistant to post my situation on here because I would rather blame myself if I screwed up than regret taking someone elses advice and screwing it up...but I am completely lost here....


I met this girl through my best friends wife, we all went bowling together and me and her flirted and connected all night and I got her number after. We proceeded to text back and forth for the next couple days (shes 22 and Im 26) and it didnt take long before we have an official date. She planned it and took me to a tavern in her small town and then we rode her 4 wheeler around and sat by a fire in her back yard and watched the stars and fooled around for a bit (no sex). She told me several times she really likes me.

Sinmce then we have hung out a few more times, I have taken her to a waterpark and we went to dinner and stuff like that. We have also fooled around a few times and it could of led to sex each time but I stopped that from happening because I really like her. During this fooling around she first told me she really likes me, and it soon after turned to "I think I more than like you" and then just the other day she told me she loved me during fooling around. I asked her if she really meant that and she said "yes".

We have hung out once since (yesterday) and we still are not in a relationship yet because she says she is not ready. She got out of a long term relationship a month ago and says she doesnt want to hurt me and just isnt quite ready yet. I told her I dont want to be the rebound guy and she assured me I wasn't because she wouldnt of planned all these awesome dates with me if I was.

Thing is....I really really really like this girl. She is incredibly cool and 110% my type and shes a 10 in my book. I really dont want to screw this up, but how do I get into a relationship with her? She doesn't text me near as often as she used to so I dont know if shes losing interest or doesnt want to look desperate, but when we hang out everything just flows so nicely.

I really don't know what to do here...so confused?

 

[konmai]

Since she doesn't want to get in a relationship with you, don't push it. It doesn't matter what her excuse is. Also, you should stop "really, really liking" this girl. She's not even your gf, and you're already putting her on a pedestal. If things lead to sex, just fcuk her. You'll regret it, if some other dude has the balls to do it, treats her like sh!t, and she actually likes it.

Date other chics.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

All I got to say is you better hit that before the next person beats it up and takes her off your hands. There has got to be a deeper reason that you didn't have sex with her when you did have the chance. You shouldn't even want to be in a relationship with a chick if you haven't had sex with her yet. Take things one step at a time and the next step is to have sexual relations with her.

 

[OnTheHouse]

From what I understand she does want a relationship but just not so soon after her previous one. We pretty much act as bf/gf...we hang out and go places and have fun and hold hands and kiss and all that stuff, but we are not bf/gf...this is why I am so confused. She dumped her ex (fiance) b/c he treated her like ****, so I don't think that's the way to go.


Also, I can't just "stop" liking her, there is no off-switch I can flip to shut off my feelings for her. Like I said, we really connected and I have feelings for her that I cannot simply just stop.

I'm afraid if we have sex then that will totally ruin any chance of a relationship.

 

[Jitterbug]

I'm afraid if we have sex then that will totally ruin any chance of a relationship.

You sound like a woman, and right now you're in the role of her BFF girlfriend.

 

[DonJuanabe]

Yeah, sex would ruin things because it would feel good and that awesome endorphin rush is euphoric and...

I can't tell who is playing you the most -- the girl, or you.

 

[konmai]

She dumped her ex (fiance) b/c he treated her like ****, so I don't think that's the way to go.

The guy did get all the way to fiance status. You, on the other hand, haven't even slept with her. Judge a woman by her actions. Not her words.

Right now, you just sound like a safe guy for her to hang around with and who she knows isn't going to try anything with her.

 

[wait_out]

We have also fooled around a few times and it could of led to sex each time but I stopped that from happening because I really like her.

I've never found girls appreciate that, I've found rather that they may feel confused and underwhelmed and drop you if you go too slow. Plus, it's not really what you want, is it? Do girls want guys who are free and sincere, or repressed by social norms/convention like how you're acting now?

Not saying I'm better than you but this has been my experience. Attraction is like a wave and you have to ride it at the pace that it dictates... hold back too much and you might get dropped off the back and watch the girl vanish into the distance.

Just because you like her doesn't mean this one's going to be different. It's more like you're projecting your fantasies about how she *should* respond to you, and you're going to blow it as a result. You are emotionally invested and you don't really know this girl. It's a recipe for getting hurt and the whole forum will tell you that. Let me ask you this -- if you made a move, what do you think would happen?

The guy who sleeps with the girl gets the girl. Girls all know this, i don't know why you don't.

 

[OnTheHouse]

She has told me and her friends that she wants to take things really slow with me since she just got out of a long relationship..and I figured she was just getting caught up in the moment and would regret it if we actually did have sex, so we did everything but sex instead and came pretty close.

She is also religous and believes sex before marriage is a sin, even though shes done it before and would have done it with me...it all just confused me even more.

But it looks like the general consensus here is that sleeping with her is my best bet into a relationship with her? I think next time were in the moment I am not going to stop it from going all the way then, and then Im sure things will change, hopefully for better and not for worse.

 

[Greasy Pig]

There are some red flags here for me: she says she loves you?? And so soon after breaking off an engagement???
I'm tipping that you're slowly but surely being nudged in to the friend zone.
A zone you'll hate when she fvcks some tattooed biker one night when she's drunk and horny.
Your first priority - and I mean right this fvcking minute - is to try and fvck her. You're better off doing that and handling any awkwardness later than living in your self-created hell.
I loved wait out's analogy of the wave. You're at real risk of slipping off the back.

She might not want an arsehole but she'll want a real man who knows what he wants and takes it.
Don't be a nice guy any more, she might dig it for a while but she WILL grow to despise it.

 

[Jitterbug]

Mate, we've all heard girls say similar BS before, and at some point, many of us believed them. We're just saving you from having to taste that humiliating experience, but it is a good character building exercise if you learn from it...

 

[Die Hard]

She's a cluster B nutjob and she's gonna fvck you up mentally... Can't be stopped either, you're in too deep already. Be sure to read up on similar threads about Cluster B, BPD etc.

Good luck!

 

[zekko]

I think for a lot of guys, they get a certain amount of validation from sex (I know some will howl in protest at this). I mean, yeah it's pleasurable, and there may be nothing more to it than that.

But I'm sure sometimes guys get validation from it. It's like a little achievable goal to strive for. It's something the girl can give you, sort of like saying "I find you sex worthy". Then you can sit back in satisfaction and say to yourself "I laid so and so".

But then if the relationship or whatever it is ends without sex, then the guy feels unvalidated, or unfulfilled. Or maybe just p!ssed lol.

 

[betheman]

....
Thing is....I really really really like this girl. She is incredibly cool and 110% my type and shes a 10 in my book. I really dont want to screw this up, but how do I get into a relationship with her? She doesn't text me near as often as she used to so I dont know if shes losing interest or doesnt want to look desperate, but when we hang out everything just flows so nicely.

I really don't know what to do here...so confused?

you want to pin this one down and her yours...you want to posess her, you cant, you dont even sound like you know her, yeah yeah shes pretty, the chemistry is amazing but you cant even see the red flags!

for the sake of your sanity, put any thoughts of a relationship with this one on the back burner, she is a christian who doesnt believe in sex before marriage...yet she has still done it, just get in there and bang her, use her for what you can get, she is using you.

 

[Who Dares Win]

I think for a lot of guys, they get a certain amount of validation from sex (I know some will howl in protest at this). I mean, yeah it's pleasurable, and there may be nothing more to it than that.

But I'm sure sometimes guys get validation from it. It's like a little achievable goal to strive for. It's something the girl can give you, sort of like saying "I find you sex worthy". Then you can sit back in satisfaction and say to yourself "I laid so and so".

But then if the relationship or whatever it is ends without sex, then the guy feels unvalidated, or unfulfilled. Or maybe just p!ssed lol.

I totally agree with that, I find myself hunting girls and getting sex even when my sex drive is not that high just to keep the stats high not different than marks at school or seconds on a 100m sprint.

As men we need facts to self validate, a woman can get confirmation of her worth simply by many men looking at her, we men dont, we need the unconfutable confirmation of her with her leg spread open in front of us showing green light.

 

[OnTheHouse]

The girl is not using me....she's even told her parents how perfect she thinks I am and all that...she just needs time.

But since everyone here seems to be in agreement about taking it to the next level (sex), next time I think I will let it go all the way.

 

[Die Hard]

The girl is not using me....she's even told her parents how perfect she thinks I am and all that...she just needs time.

Her parents actually told you this?

 

[Who Dares Win]

The girl is not using me....she's even told her parents how perfect she thinks I am and all that...she just needs time.

But since everyone here seems to be in agreement about taking it to the next level (sex), next time I think I will let it go all the way.

False.

http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/2011/11/04/taking-things-slow/

The “take it slow” methodology capitalizes on a guy’s insecurity in that it automatically places him into a constant position of qualifying himself to the woman at the risk of his reputation. In other words, if he doesn’t take it slow (i.e forces the issue, pleads his case too emphatically) OR he ejects altogether, he risks becoming who she, conveniently, “fears he really is”, a Player only interested in getting in her panties. It’s a self-fulfilling social convention that protects a woman’s ego no matter what the outcome. However the converse of this is that he wastes his own resources (time, opportunity, attention, money) indefinitely while trying to negotiate terms for what he thinks is her genuine desire. Ultimately, assuming there is one, the reward (which initially is always sex) will never out-value the cost of the investment.

 

[Gro0ver]

What bothers me (and most ppl who have commented) is the amount of control you've given her and the amount you're invested emotionally, despite the red flags.

Does she feel raw attraction to you? You need to find out bud, and she should be willing to screw you to keep you, if she likes you that much.

1) Protect #1 (that's YOU), because no one else is going to

2) Stop being such a nice-guy doormat or you will get hurt 100% guaranteed. Stop moulding the relationship around her, there's 2 people in it not 1.5 .

Look at the type of guy she almost married, she was probably thinking in her head that he's bad news but attraction is attraction and they just can't fight it no matter how much they try to rationalise.

Keep us posted

 

[Robert28]

I am hesistant to post my situation on here because I would rather blame myself if I screwed up than regret taking someone elses advice and screwing it up...but I am completely lost here....


I met this girl through my best friends wife, we all went bowling together and me and her flirted and connected all night and I got her number after. We proceeded to text back and forth for the next couple days (shes 22 and Im 26) and it didnt take long before we have an official date. She planned it and took me to a tavern in her small town and then we rode her 4 wheeler around and sat by a fire in her back yard and watched the stars and fooled around for a bit (no sex)this was the perfect setting and you messed it up. all you had to do was some titty grabbin or make some sort of move during the kissing. She told me several times she really likes me.who cares what she TELLS you. what are her ACTIONS. words dont mean jack when it comes to women.

Sinmce then we have hung out a few more times, I have taken her to a waterpark and we went to dinner and stuff like that. We have also fooled around a few times and it could of led to sex each time but I stopped that from happening because I really like heryou're a moron for stopping it. she thinks you dont like her if you dont have sex with her. simple as that.. During this fooling around she first told me she really likes me, and it soon after turned to "I think I more than like you" and then just the other day she told me she loved me during fooling around. I asked her if she really meant that and she said "yes".she's a liar

We have hung out once since (yesterday) and we still are not in a relationship yet because she says she is not readyshes ready, shes just not ready to be in one with you because you wont make a fvcking move and close the deal.. She got out of a long term relationship a month ago and says she doesnt want to hurt me and just isnt quite ready yet.blah blah blah, who cares? what's that got to do with you and the here and now? I told her I dont want to be the rebound guy and she assured me I wasn't because she wouldnt of planned all these awesome dates with me if I was.being the rebound guy is never a bad thing as long as youre getting sex. i'd kill to be the rebound guy.

Thing is....I really really really like this girl.if you like her so much quit being a sissy and bang her! She is incredibly cool and 110% my type and shes a 10 in my book.so why havent you had sex with her yet? I really dont want to screw this up, but how do I get into a relationship with her?how? you have sex with her, she develops REAL feelings for you then you go from there She doesn't text me near as often as she used to so I dont know if shes losing interest or doesnt want to look desperate, but when we hang out everything just flows so nicely.she got tired of waiting around on you to be a man and have hot sweaty sex with her so shes looking for someone else that will

I really don't know what to do here...so confused?well i think its too late and youre dead in the water because youve had many chances BUT if theres any way you can get her on another 4 wheeler ride and do the fire thing under the stars, go for the homerun. dont puss out this time!

see my responses in bold