Need advice badly....

[RLynn9]

Ok...I am 45. T is 42. I've known her for 22 years. We dated for a while back when i was 23...We remained friends all these years even though she married the next guy that she met after me. He didn't marry her until after their second daughter was born. All these years she has mentioned that she felt unhappy with him and that he and his family made her feel inferior. Then he lost a job and was content to sit around and feel sorry for himself for four years. He played golf and gambled while she worked, cooked, cleaned, and did everything for the kids...So about a year and half ago things started getting really bad and they started fighting and sleeping in separate rooms in the house....

During an out of town gold tournament, she wanted to come over and we ended up having an affair... Which of course only made the situation worse because she started making more and more excuses to stay out late on weekends to see me...Even though she hadn't admitted to the affair, they fought more and more about her staying out late, money, his gambling, and all kinds of other things....Eventually he started putting his hands on her and that was it...One night he shoved her while out with other couples and that was it...she showed up at my house crying and said she left him..She stayed with me for a few weeks and said how she should have always been with me and not him...but eventually went back to her house for her girls' sake..

He agreed to stay down the street at his mom's house. Well, of course that didn't last and it was a matter of a few weeks until he had talked his way back into the house...She swore to me that it was just for the kids and that she was sleeping in an entirely different room and that they were getting a divorce...Well, eventually he started badgering her about things constantly until she admitted to the affair....He smashed up the house and then threw all her clothes in her car and told her to get out...So back to my house she came for all of last summer....She would pick up her girls from school and spend time with them at her mother's house..Other than being sad about losing her normal routine with them, everything between us was great...

I helped her with everything too. She was having money problems so helped her buy all her kids Christmas presents (even though i have never met them), paid the owed mortgage on their house (for her kids sake) even though she was living with me, put new tires on her car, paid the repair bills, and never asked her for a dime for anything...i fed her and paid for everything we did...But eventually, she moved to her mother's house (20 minutes away) to be closer to her kids (30 minutes away) because her relationship with them was starting to suffer because her husband was bad-mouthing her to them...

So then i started seeing her less and less. She seemed distracted (and somewhat rightfully so i guess) ..She would even send me texts saying that she felt like she was neglecting me and needed to fix it....but she never did...So my men's over 40 soccer team was playing in some tournaments and we had one scheduled out of town for the weekend of Mother's Day. It happened that our "official" anniversary fell on Mother's Day so she was obviously going to be with her kids that day. So she asked me very sweetly if i would skip this one tournament so we could celebrate our anniversary on Friday or Saturday because it was important for us to spend time together on our special day....

Well, she didn't mentioned it for two weeks. Then on that Friday, she came over after work, acted really distracted, and said she needed to go home and help her mom with some stuff and get some rest... um, ok....so the next day, she ignored my usual "good morning" texts and texted me later in the afternoon and made a comment about the baseball game she was at with her girlfriends from work..(which she never told me she was going to)...i played it off like i wasn't upset because i wanted to see if she would remember...Then later she shows up to grab a change of clothes (she kept a wardrobe at my house because i live very close to her work and the city) because she was going out with her friends for the night (the same ones from the baseball game)..

I immediately got into a bad mood and asked if she had forgotten something and she said no...so she cleaned up and changed and left. Then sent me a text saying that she didn't know what the hell my attitude was about. When i told her, she said for me to get over it and not be so dramatic... in her words "Oh jeez..i friggin' forgot...i have a lot on my plate and it just slipped my mind..it's not the end of the damn world"....So, regretfully, i let my temper get the best of me and i acted immaturely and said some things i shouldn't have...

She went off on me right back and decided to ignore me COMPLETELY for a month...I pleaded via texts, voicemails, and e-mails for her to meet me and just talk to me...NOTHING...not a single reply....Admittedly i have abandonment issues (my mom left when i was 8 years old) and i cannot stand to be ignored...So AGAIN, i acted foolishly and started calling her friend's roommate to get her attention...Sure enough, the friend called her and told her what i was doing and all hell broke loose...FINALLY she called me, but of course, not in the way i wanted!

My stupidity completely blew up in my face...NOW, she doesn't want to talk to me or see me ever again. She says she will NEVER trust me again and that i destroyed her feelings for me forever and that we both need to move on...Now, i absolutely understand that what i did was DEAD WRONG, but is it okay for her to ignore for a month?? Isn't that a bit extreme?? Couldn't she have just said "i'm angry and need time away" ?? But she didn't...I had no idea where i stood!

Then, she was actually going to meet me one night to talk, then she backed out..saying that she didn't feel good and needed to go to her mom's and just sleep...Well, i drove to her mom's at midnight and then again at 4 am and her car was not there...when i asked her how her night was she said she slept all night..when i confronted her with not being there, she flew into a rage and called me a stalker and said sarcastically that she was out having sex with her new boyfriend...just like i was doing...


I SWEAR on my brother's grave that i have NEVER EVER actually cheated on her...Not even close...But she says that she doesn't believe me now...I've been trying for weeks to get her to work this out with me and when i talk to her, she ends up rehashing the whole scenario and gets angry all over again and tells me to move on....Her kids have been gone for a month at their aunt and uncle's far away in Texas. So they are due to be back any day now and she took her vacation to spend every day with them. So i know talking to her for the next two weeks is out of the question..I'm miserable..she was also my best friend...i know i handled everything all wrong but i really miss her and wish i could fix this..

I have so many questions...Is she back with her husband? Is she with someone new? both? Is she just really hurt and should i just leave her alone for a while and see if she comes back? Or is this probably really the end? What should i do? i feel like everything i do is wrong and makes her more angry and pushes her further away...

Is it wrong of me to feel that after all we have been through, years of friendship, and all i have done for her and how i have been there, that i deserve a bit more from her than to have everything just thrown away?? Or is she totally justified??

I feel like it is really unfair of her to judge me so harshly over my anger and frustration when SHE was STILL married...and dragging her feet on the divorce because he was trying to take her 401k and custody of the kids...She was obviously having second thoughts but kept telling me she wasn't and that the goal was for the divorce to happen, and me to eventually meet her kids, and for us to get a place together...ANNNND the kicker is, i found out much later that she was sleeping with both of us at the very beginning...Her excuse was that she had to..or he'd know what was going on and she hadn't figured out what she was going to do...apparently she played the caveman wife role and gave sex to her husband even though she claimed she didn't want to....I know that sounds like i'm trying to justify my own terrible behavior but i just feel like we have both made mistakes and don't feel that i should be judged this harshly by someone who has no room to talk.....AM I JUST CRAZY?

HELP!!

 

[LorenzoVonM]

This was a painful read and my heart goes out to you. You're probably not gonna like what I'm gonna say but in my experience it is an accurate truth:

You were a rebound, a soft place to fall when this woman's marriage fell apart. She might not of even had that much attraction for you but rather viewed you as a friend. Listening to her marriage woes for years and years probably cemented this fact. She used your generosity and then spit you out. In her mind she rationalizes that it was just what a friend does and she doesn't owe you a thing.

Yes, you messed up with the pleading and stalking. That took any attraction there might have been and buried it. It also gave her a convenient way to be the victim and rationalize breaking away from you i.e. "See the way he acts, he is crazy, I can't be around him" I'm sorry, but you were way more invested than her.

Women don't have the same view of loyalty as men so in all likely hood your 22 years doesn't mean a lot. Ever notice how women act with other women: Best friends in the world to mortal enemies in a day's time. It's unfathomable to most men but that's the way it is.

The only thing you can do is Next her permanently. Pretend like she is dead. No contact starting today. It's gonna be hard but try to persevere.

 

[cordoncordon]

I am going to keep this short for now but will write more later.

Do not ever have any contact with this woman again. She is a user. An abuser. A loser. She feels nothing for you but a means to an end, and that is helping her get through her tough times with her breakup. I mean, what in the hell were you thinking???!! You paid a mortgage for her and her husband? YOu bought Christmas gifts for kids you have never met? You begged and pleaded to be with a woman who has shown you no respect whatsoever? Tell me, if this was some guy friend who treated you this way, would you beg for him to still be your friend? Hell no. You would tell him to go to hell.

Stop giving your valuable time, energy, and respect to people that could care less about you and start spending your valuable time and energy on people that DO RESPECT YOU and return your efforts in kind.

My word man do you like abuse? Punishment?

I can promise you that if you go no contact on this woman, totally ignore her, she will be knocking on your door in no time. (not that you should want that) Right now she is getting off on the attention and drama you are giving to her. She is eating it up. STOP DOING THAT.

 

[Kailex]

Good riddance. This woman sounds like a complete waste of the world's oxygen supply.

In that wall of text, you neglected to mention a single thing, quality, characteristic of her that added any sort of value to your life.

That alone is an indicator of what a poor selection she is. Look at her life, and look at how she used you.

Time to move on, brother.

 

[jjacob]

Honestly it really looks like she created a scenario where she knew you would be pissed off then turned around and used it as a reason to further distance herself from you. Arguing with a woman about your feelings is rarely fruitful, demanding respect is best demonstrated rather than asked for. Flying into a rage only gives her ammunition and the option to steer the conversation away from the topic at hand (her disrespect). When you express outrage to a woman she isn't thinking "Oh **** I better act right so he will stay around" she reads between the lines and knows that even a very negative emotion is leaps and bounds better than no response at all. Once they move on they can be very cold, they don't feel any sort of obligation to explain themselves and respect your point of view, if anything they are pissed that you are putting them in a situation where they have to ignore or bull**** their way out.


You probably are hoping that we'll have some magic answer to get her back.. You went to every length possible to get her attention and all it's really done is further solidify her stance. How can you spend so much effort trying to save a relationship she sabotaged? I wouldn't contact her at all.

 

[sodbuster]

Well, you've been 'crewed without lube...and she did it to YOU. Hope you aren't asking for a way to get her back.

 

[Justin Time]

RLynn....

pretend this woman is E, crack, shrooms, weed and rat poison all wrapped in a killer bong. Stay the HeII away.

 

[Greasy Pig]

OP, look up Rollo's "relationship equity" (or is that "relational equity"?) on his blog.
Women don't care how much money, time or emotion a man invests in them. When they want to bail, nothing you've done for them in the past means a pinch of shyt.
Remember this shocking hell you've been through and don't fall into the same trap.
This woman used and abused you and is now fvcking some biker drug dealer who treats her like crack wh0re...and she's loving it.
That is the paradox of women.
Meanwhile, hang around here and absorb as much info as you can. It'll save your sanity and your bank balance.

Delete this bytch's number and never give her the privilege of your time, thoughts or company ever again. EVER.

 

[RLynn9]

Well....yesterday, a former friend of hers confirmed that she and her husband have been seen around town together....and even with another couple early in the morning for breakfast....So much for the "needing to be alone to work on herself" and "i'm going through with the divorce and moving on from both of you"

ALL LIES.....i texted her last night asking why she lied and why she just didn't tell me...we have iphones and i could see her typing back several times but she never hit send...I asked her if she REALLY thinks it's going to work with him? She has kept so much a secret from him..He doesn't even know that she lived with me...She told him she moved in with her girlfriend who lives down the street....She also never told him that their daughter (at the time 15) had spent an entire summer (two summers ago, before i was in the picture) having sex with about six boys in their small little town of 2,000 or so...He also has no idea she cheated on him with two other guys BEFORE me...Plus MANY other lies and things she kept hidden..

My new dilemma is this: Do i hit him up on facebook and tell him everything? As payback and my final goodbye? Or do i just leave it alone and walk away and learn my lesson? (i'll learn my lesson either way...)

 

[Kailex]

Let him find out on his own.

I have no idea why you would even try to reach out to him. There is no version of that scenario that is going to end well.

And why are you texting her asking why she lied? What did you think... that she'd just nod and come clean and say "MY BAD"? I know you are hurt by all of this, but it's time to walk away from EVERYTHING about this situation.

Delete her number, delete her from your life.

 

[SecondHalf]

OP, this chick is poison.

Any further involvement in her little tiny life is detriment to yours.

The more time you spend engaged at any capacity, the greater the slight.
Eliminate any further causes for reaction.
Do not continue to hold your hand in the fire, it's burnt, deal with it.

The best revenge you can ever have on these vampires is to cut them out of your life like a cancer and work on yourself.

SH

 

[cordoncordon]

Personally,

I am vindictive. So I would box up all of her stuff, put it out on the lawn. Send an email to the guy telling him that his wife told you she was getting a divorce, etc,... and that he should come pick up her stuff from your place.

Tell him she has lied to both him and you, come completely clean and tell him you just want him to be aware of it so that she can't use the two of you anymore to get what she wants.

Now, it is impossible to predict how he will react. But you will have his attention and her attention as well. If he seems even partially capable of causing problems, make sure a good friend is at your place with you when he arrives to pickup the box of her junk.

If he comes over reasonable and talks with you, then he deserves the complete truth. If he comes over pissed off and looking for a fight, then he deserves his life with this cheating h0r of a woman.

No matter what happens, you walk away from her completely and shut her out of your life. People like her deserve to go through life with nobody at their side.

DO NOT do this OP, repeat DO NOT do this. Unless that is you like even more drama, stress, worry, and possibly waking up to a gun pointed at your head by an enraged husband. If you DO like all those sorts of things, then by all means inform the husband of everything.

I realize after reading your last post that you are not going to listen to any of us and you are going to do what you are going to do, just like every other newbie who comes here asking for advice. Then, after all is said and done and you run back here with your tail between your legs and say we were all correct with our advice, you will say that you are now ready to listen.

Good luck.

 

[LiveFreeX]

You sound like the real life forrest gump.

Its none of your business what a husband does with his wife.

 

[dangdang]

The reality, and ultimately what will set you free is personal responsibility.

This is your fault, you allowed it to happen to you because of your abandonment issues and lack of centeredness. How do I know? Because I have it too. It's an ongoing building process, and I have been through something similar.

Think about this for a moment... You have been going with this chick, seeing how she's runs her life, her marriage, and motherhood, and you expected her to make better decisions with you?

You thought she would treat you differently than her husband? Why?

And all this tied together is what you deserve? No, sorry my friend, but you're better than that. Once you believe that, and work on yourself, you most assuredly will deserve a woman on par with you. (Notice I said a woman, this chick is just a headache... What I used to put up with over and over)

THAT, is what you need to be working on. YOU is what you need to be worried about, not this chick.


I still have some work to do in this area, so by no means am I an expert. What I'm saying is, when dealing with people like this, the first step is realizing you can only control what YOU do, not some crazy chick.

So, what can you do right now that will impact your desired outcome (in life, cuz it likely will not include this headache, even if you want it to)?

 

[cordoncordon]

Enough with the drama. The chances of this happening are astronomically low.

One email response from the guy will tell you his state of mind and whether you should go ahead with it.

You say enough with the drama but that is exactly what you are advocating the OP to escalate. The drama. You are advising the OP to take an already stressful situation for him, and to multiply that by 1000 by contacting the husband. Not only further prolonging the drama, but also further infuriating a spurned husband who would find out his wife had been shacking up with another man. I don't need to tell you that some husbands do not take kindly to that and have been known to kill the other guy while they are raging. Plus this husband we were told had laid his hands on the wife before, so it is obvious he is prone to violence.

There is NOTHING good that can come out of the OP contacting the husband. It does nothing for him, puts OP in potential danger, and only keeps OP from healing and moving on.

Do you want to be afraid everyday of opening your door or walking down the street? Knowing the husband could be there ready to pop you? I know I for one think it is most definitely not worth it.

 

[cordoncordon]

Being afraid that *something bad might happen* is no way to go through life.



Drama = Your over-dramatization of what *could* happen (gun, being *beat up*, etc,...).

Let's be honest here. What I propose is that he return her stuff to her guy and give him the story on this woman. This isn't filled with drama, this is getting rid of her stuff and educating her current man on the type of girl she is.

Here is my proposal in a nutshell.

• Email the guy telling him that you still have her stuff and want to give it to him, but have no intention of interacting with her.
• You also want to give him your version of events and let him decide how he wants to handle it going forward.
• You meet him at a mall food-court or some other neutral place, return her stuff in a box, and tell him the story.

Now, the dramatization will always come in the manner of "you could get killed, shot, etc,.... The reality is that this stuff is EXTREMELY rare. For every 1 guy that goes bezerk and murders his gf's ex, there are 9,999 who do pretty much nothing or who are total AFC's.

While some will say you will "likely die", the reality is it will more likely play out like this example that Jophil provided some time ago.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1605027&postcount=45



This girl is clearly wacko, and it is almost certain that she fed both of these men a bunch of lies. I wouldn't doubt that her current man would like more information and not just his woman's version of events.

Being afraid that *something bad might happen* is no way to go through life.

Tell me how OP informing the husband does anything good for him? How does it help him grow and learn from this experience? How does it help him to move on? How does it help him to forget? He is opening up a big can or worms that are better left closed.

As for being afraid that 'something bad might happen' while one goes through life, there is a HUGE difference between just living your life the best way you can, knowing that there are dangers in almost everything we do. From crossing the street to eating a piece of pizza. Those things are just part of life and we accept the risk. But this is different. This is inviting a potentially raging man, a man who has been betrayed by his wife and who could BLAME EVERYTHING ON OP, into OP's circle of life. It is the same as if I went and stabbed a gang member here in LA. Odds are they are going to want retribution. Tell me, would you go stab a gang member just for the hell of it? Without any gain or positive developments for you as a result? Of course not. This is the same type of thing. It's inviting danger into your life. Inviting drama and stress. To a man who supposedly already beat up his wife? So why tell the husband? Why infuriate and escalate an already very stressful situation? I can give you story after story where a husband getting cheated on goes and shoots the bf, the wife, and maybe even himself. Getting cheated on for a man is a very demoralizing to the ego and a huge blow to his self esteem. It can cause blind rage and temporary insanity and many a man has killed because of it. I don't know of many situations in my life where I could do something to cause a man to want to kill me, but cheating with a guys wife is certainly one of them.

I just don't see what telling the husband, when the OP so very obviously needs to move on and forget about this entire thing, is going to do for OP in any positive way.

 

[cordoncordon]

If the risk to yourself is low, which I believe it is. Then it makes sense to share this information because it makes the world a better place. It lets this man know exactly who/what type of creature he is dealing with.

My point remains that one can easily gauge the mentality of the pyscho's bf by his email reply. No risk at all taken in sending an email.

If the response is reasonable, then meeting him in a public place to return her stuff is also a very low-risk scenario. Especially considering the 99.99% likelihood the guy is just another Beta who will do nothing.

I respect what you are saying. I just 100% disagree with it.

You still have not given me 1 good reason why OP should tell the husband and how this benefits OP in any way, shape, or form other than to act like a spiteful 12 year old who wants to get even. All it is doing, besides bringing a potentially angry man into OP's life, is to open up an entirely new batch of issues with the wife AND husband now involved in OP's life when he should be having NOTHING to do with either one of them from this point forward. You want revenge. Revenge in this case is a dish best served cold. Revenge is moving on with your life and living it the best way possible and doing great things without her in his life.

And monkeys might fly out the OP's @ss too. I posited before and stand by it that this guy is 99.99% low risk, and if he is a risk, it is easy to gauge and mitigate.

There is just no justifiable reason to fear this man or an encounter.

This man, with your scenario, would just find out that his wife and mother of his kids has been living with and sexing another man. He is liable to do anything. Even if it's only a 10% chance of him going off and wanting to do something to OP, why even take that risk? Again, what in the hell is OP getting in a positive way out of risking something like this? What is the risk/reward ratio for OP? I like to gamble. I bet horses, sports, etc. But I will not make a bet if the potential reward is not greater than the potential risk. Or if the payoff is too low. IF I am betting a horse and his odds drop from even money to 2-5, even though he may be by far the best horse, the small potential profit is not worth the larger risk I am taking by placing the bet. That applies here as well for OP.

You just want the drama it appears. You want a good read. You do not want what is best for OP in this case......imo.

NOT EVEN CLOSE to the same thing. Gang members are far different than most husband/wives families with children. That is a terrible analogy.

Gang members are different than enraged husbands who just found out their wife is a cheating hore? I don't think so. They are exactly the same. Both are liable to commit extreme acts of violence for no good reason whatsoever.

I posit again, for every story you give of one enraged man, there are 9,999 men who were not enraged and did not murder or assault the guy their women fvked on them with.

Combine that with the control that the OP has in this situation through measuring the email response, and meeting in a mall food-court, and pretty much all threat is neutralized.

Right now you are just spouting out irrational fear that *someone could hurt you*. We already live in an age of over-hyped hysteria and dramatization. No need to embellish it any more in an attempt to project this as a high-risk scenario. It just isn't.

I say again, the situation will almost certainly turn out like the real-life example of Jophil as illustrated below.

While some will say you will "likely die", the reality is it will more likely play out like this example that Jophil provided some time ago.

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showpost.php?p=1605027&postcount=45

So you don't think after OP tells the husband that his wife cheated on him, that the wife then, after getting pissed off at OP for doing this, won't go and tell the husband that OP raped her? Or threatened her? Or has done this, that, or whatever to her? All to try and protect herself from the acts she has committed? Of course she could do that. Which will enrage the husband even more.

And for every story where a husband doesn't do anything? There are many like this.

http://news.yahoo.com/texas-man-executed-killing-wife-her-boyfriend-002932326.html

I want you to name me another example or situation of a man, a seemingly law abiding man, going off and killing his wife and another guy just out of the blue. It DOES NOT HAPPEN. The only times I can think where it does? Is when the husband finds out his wife cheated on him. It can drive him to do something he would never otherwise do in a million years. Why invite this risk into OP's life? It's just stupid. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of energy. It is something a low class individual would do. Or a kid. It is not something a mature, grown, going places man would do or even spend time thinking about doing. It serves no purpose other then to escalate an already volatile situation.

Really cannot believe you of all people are giving OP this kind of advice.

 

[backbreaker]

The reality, and ultimately what will set you free is personal responsibility.

This is your fault, you allowed it to happen to you because of your abandonment issues and lack of centeredness. How do I know? Because I have it too. It's an ongoing building process, and I have been through something similar.

Think about this for a moment... You have been going with this chick, seeing how she's runs her life, her marriage, and motherhood, and you expected her to make better decisions with you?

You thought she would treat you differently than her husband? Why?

And all this tied together is what you deserve? No, sorry my friend, but you're better than that. Once you believe that, and work on yourself, you most assuredly will deserve a woman on par with you. (Notice I said a woman, this chick is just a headache... What I used to put up with over and over)

THAT, is what you need to be working on. YOU is what you need to be worried about, not this chick.


I still have some work to do in this area, so by no means am I an expert. What I'm saying is, when dealing with people like this, the first step is realizing you can only control what YOU do, not some crazy chick.

So, what can you do right now that will impact your desired outcome (in life, cuz it likely will not include this headache, even if you want it to)?

best post int his thread by a wide margin. nailed it.

this is on the OP. the op is lonely, saw her made bad decision after bad decision and as a 40 year old man, decided to shack up with her anyway and put on the white cape.

alls he did, is act the way she acted for the last 20 years and the guy is acting surprised. this is what she does she's screwed up.

 

[TheBrutalGourmet]

I like to think of BPD/NPD/HPD women as a radiation hazard. The best way to avoid exposure is increase the distance. Shielding might work, but crazy can still fukk up your life. Just cut it off and don't look back. The b1tches are toxic. BTW, the husband probably already knows or has an idea of what his wife is. Just my 2 cents.

 

[RLynn9]

I realize after reading your last post that you are not going to listen to any of us and you are going to do what you are going to do, just like every other newbie who comes here asking for advice. Then, after all is said and done and you run back here with your tail between your legs and say we were all correct with our advice, you will say that you are now ready to listen.

No, that isn't the case at all. As a matter of fact i really appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to read my long-winded, emotional post and taking the time to reply and offer view-points, advice, encouragement, and even the deserved bashing for my stupidity...... It's true, i allowed wanting to be with her skewer my sense of reality and self. After reading all your words and taking a long hard look at myself last night and today, it's true, most of the problem and solution lies solely with me...I deleted her number this morning and e-mail contacts. She texted me later in the day and told me a few times what a piece of **** i was and hinted that she and her husband were taking the kids to Chicago for two weeks (this was supposed to be the two weeks we took our vacations and went to Chicago...so a nice attempt at a twisting of the knife there) ...but i bit my tongue and squashed the urge to reply... i realize that it really is pointless and i am only damaging myself...so i never answered and went about my day amidst more texts that said that i'd better not dare text her while she is in Chicago and take time away from her kids.....i still held strong and didn't answer....When i got home today i took out a notebook and started writing down all the things that i enjoy doing and started making plans for different activities and a couple of road trips...it's not much i guess but it's a start in the right direction i hope.....

BTW, I am not at all like Forest Gump, but point taken...Also, what does OP mean?