need a pep talk

joekerr31

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 20, 2005
Messages
3,395
Reaction score
110
Age
50
ok gents. for some reason im in a mood.

im 32, single.

feeling like a chic or something, cuz im thinking about how nice it would be to be married and how i dont really see that happening in the future.

need a pep talk.

anyone have any good thoughts to share?
 

RecoveringAFC

Don Juan
Joined
Sep 9, 2006
Messages
45
Reaction score
1
I'm 32 and single myself. No gf and no immediate prospects.

Don't define yourself by your relationship. Lots of people do that. I used to do that for a long time. Learn to enjoy our own company. Take up some hobbies but don't take up so many as to be too busy to enjoy your own company.

Spend some time with yourself. Go on a trip, go for long walks, read, work out whatever. As you start to enjoy yourself, you'll stop worrying about being in or out of relationships. Women will notice you're a happy person and be attracted to that.
 

WestCoaster

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 8, 2003
Messages
2,028
Reaction score
31
Age 32 is prime time, I'm older and never married. But I know how you're feeling, thinking about it can be a drag. It's natural to beat one's self up because outside this site and a few other diversions, the world is AFC.

You're young and can date a pretty diverse age group. If that doesn't work, try a good counselor. Your age is in your favor as is this website, but I've been there many times. Loneliness is nothing to laugh about.

To quote Mick Jagger, "Time is on your side," more so than you'll ever believe.
 

DJDamage

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 6, 2004
Messages
5,661
Reaction score
103
Location
Canada
joekerr31 said:
ok gents. for some reason im in a mood.

im 32, single.

feeling like a chic or something, cuz im thinking about how nice it would be to be married and how i dont really see that happening in the future.
I am sure there are guys in their 40's right now thinking: Man I remember in my 30's I had this fantasy of getting married and having kids and my wife will love me and give me plenty of sex we will grow old together. (THAT IS THE FANTASY MOST MEN STUCK IN THE MATRIX THINK ABOUT)

THE REALITY CHECK FOR MOST MEN AFTER MARRIAGE:
Sh1t now my wife is fat from having 2 kids, she nags me to death and I am bored while our sex life is virtually not existend ( I jerk off like in my single days). As a result of having kids and a wife I have to work harder for more money and wake up early in the morning and go to bed late at night due to family chores. My wife disrespects me and she spends my money. The two kids I barley know, they are raised by television and don't feel like talking to me and every year they cost more money. I don't have time to myself, I am getting fat, stressed out losing my hair, lost all my friends, by the time I am done work and doing stuff with my family, my only free time is watching t.v and falling a sleep to wake up and do this all over again. Oh how I wish I was single again what was I thinking.......
 

Metro3pilot

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Oct 11, 2005
Messages
335
Reaction score
9
Age
55
High 5 DJdamage ......

I was thinking ..... it would be cool to have some full time poonany ... can't complain though had about 4 different chicks a year since turning 30 .....

spent most of my 20's locked up family life blah blah blah ......

now I remember how really ...it aint worth it ! !

Thanks for the post DJ

:rockon:
 

If you want to talk, talk to your friends. If you want a girl to like you, listen to her, ask questions, and act like you are on the edge of your seat.

Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.

DJDamage

Master Don Juan
Joined
Sep 6, 2004
Messages
5,661
Reaction score
103
Location
Canada
backbreaker said:
my theory on it all is that when you give a woman the ring, you are transferring power
That kind of reminds me of the scene in LORD OF THE RINGS:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44XOKr8kips

Look at the 2 mins mark. I remember I was seeing this movie with a friend of mine who was chuckling and he said: "Yes the ring speaks the truth!!, women turn from sweet to scary like that after they get the wedding ring!!"
 

Wyldfire

Banned
Joined
Oct 25, 2001
Messages
9,108
Reaction score
28
I've had two great loves in my life. Each of those men I met when I was not looking to find anyone and was focused on other things. The first happened when I was 28 and the second when I was 34. My daughter's grandmother is about 77 years old...and she got married for the second time in her life two years ago and is head over heels in love with her husband. Love can happen at any age...and it usually comes along quicker when you aren't worried about or focused on finding it.

If you feel like you are missing out on having a family...something you could do that can help ease that would be to volunteer as a "Big Brother" to a little boy who doesn't have a father figure in his life. You could also volunteer at a Boys and Girl's club, tutor kids in a literacy program, etc. Those kinds of things can be so rewarding and enrich your life a great deal.

You WILL meet someone and fall in love and find happiness...you just haven't met her yet. In the meantime...do some things that give you some of the same rewards you would get from having your own family.
 

STR8UP

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2002
Messages
6,911
Reaction score
123
I wish I could give you that pep talk, but I'm afraid I need one just as bad as you do right now.

As much as I say that the single life is the way to go, sometimes I think back on the times when I had a really good thing going with a fine female I would give my left nut to have it back. Then I realize that I would have to take the good with the BAD, and I'm back in reality again. You just can't have your cake and eat it too, for any length of time anyway.

Seriously though.....I'm going through a really, really tough time in my life right now, and sometimes I think having the RIGHT relationship at this point is just what I need to keep it together.

And you know what's really the worst part about the whole thing? The fact that I could easily have a girlfriend, but they all either don't measure up to my standards or I can see red flags that prevent me from getting into any kind of meaningful relationship with them.

That's the price you pay being "clued in" to women. You can see through a lot of the smoke and mirrors before you get involved, and it sometimes prevents you from taking chances and enjoying yourself as much as you would if your head was still in the sand.
 

Wyldfire

Banned
Joined
Oct 25, 2001
Messages
9,108
Reaction score
28
Just make sure the red flags you are seeing really are actual problems. If you judge a person just on their past without looking at how they deal with and grow from the past you might be pushing away some women that you probably shouldn't. Red flags are things that tell you that you need to look closer and see if there are problems with that person. The red flags in and of themselves are not reason enough to run for the hills. You look closer first and if there really is a problem THEN you run for the hills. If you just run without scoping the true situation out you might just be throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
 

STR8UP

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 10, 2002
Messages
6,911
Reaction score
123
Wyldfire said:
Just make sure the red flags you are seeing really are actual problems. If you judge a person just on their past without looking at how they deal with and grow from the past you might be pushing away some women that you probably shouldn't.
Don't worry, I'm not talking about babydaddy's and divorces and stuff, I'm talking about the cues I take from the words and actions of new people I meet after I have spent YEARS getting screwed over. Trust me, when your best friend, girlfriend, and half the other people you have had contact with in the past several years do things to you that you wouldn't imagine your worst enemy doing, you quickly (although not quickly enough) learn the things to watch out for in a person.
 

Never try to read a woman's mind. It is a scary place. Ignore her confusing signals and mixed messages. Assume she is interested in you and act accordingly.

Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.

blueguy

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 10, 2006
Messages
714
Reaction score
11
I would say you need to get this ingrained into your everyday thoughts. I am working on it myself. It makes the difference between successful people and failed people, optimists and pessimists, those who are happy and those who are not:

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising up every time we fail."

When you measure yourself against what you wanted in life and fall short, it is easy to get down. But when you realize that your greatest achievement in life is getting right back up despite your past failures AND run a consistent track record at doing it, you have nothing to be but content and happy, no matter your failures. It is a challenge that you need to remind yourself of daily.

The bright side to this is that a positive cycle begins to occur in which you begin to attract that which is good.
 

Victory Unlimited

Master Don Juan
Joined
Dec 3, 2005
Messages
1,360
Reaction score
323
Location
On the Frontlines
Yo JOE,


What up dude. Yeah, I feel ya man. I see a lot of us here can relate too. Peace to you, officers, gentlemen,and LADIES (Wyldfire). JOE, I think that what you are going through is the often ignored side effect of having stepped outside the matrix of relationships:

Ignorance is bliss...but KNOWLEDGE is a BURDEN.

You KNOW better so you obviously feel an irritation when you don't feel like you are DOING better. You now can see the differences between the reality and the IDEAL. YOU'VE seen the realistic potential of the heights of joy that life CAN be, but all you can see right now is the mire of mediocrity that life actually is presently displaying.

kNOWING that as a man of depth and quality, that you deserve better than what you are experiencing, but STILL being presently unable to experience it can be, to say the least----disappointing.

You, being one of the more knowledgeable of the highly decorated soldiers around here, already KNOW that you can never go back to pretending you don't know the truth about man/woman relationships.

I was in a similar place/mood a long while ago when I started this thread:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=108236

It wrote it in outrage, and in exasperation. It was an outcry from a man who had RECENTLY fought to free himself from the Matrix, but was NOT seeing any quantifiable benefits of having that freedom.

What I have learned since then is that my honor, my integrity, my clear conscience, and my spiritual growth and prosperity are STILL worth far more to me than any validation that I could ever get from a woman, or any other human being.

Why? Because human love is SO conditional. And NONE so conditional than romantic love between a man and a woman. But having said all that, I would advise you to take comfort in the knowledge that you have continued to grow in wisdom, and this you have demonstrated to YOURSELF by all the pitfalls, traps, tripwires, and ambushes that the enemies of your soul (WOMEN that are NOT meant to be a permanent part of your life) have set before you repeatedy.

I don't have to tell YOU of how many of our comrades and brothers in arms have been mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and FINANCIALLY disfigured by tampering too long with what I call a BOOBY TRAP WOMAN.

A Booby Trap Woman is not an evil or bad woman. It's just that sometimes, she is just the WRONG woman for you. She is a woman who is a danger to your well-being, but the type of danger that she poses to you lies hidden-----until the pressures of life squeezes her, exposes her, and then causes the incompatibilities between the two of you to explode in your face.

Dude, God willing, I will be exactly 10 years older than you in July. I am in better shape than I was in when I was your age. I am more attractive to a wider range of women. I have more money. I am eligible. I have no kids (no potential baby-mama-drama), and I have more accomplishments than I did then-----as it should be. Yet, the amount of women in MY ethnic group that RECOGNIZE me as The Prize is is disappointingly small. This has been an ongoing problem for me that has unfortunately NOT abated...

So as a result, there are times when I look to my right and to my left and I see NO worthy woman beside me. And it is NOT due to lack of trying. A date is no problem. Potential one nite stands, friends with benefits, and fukk buddies are easily obtainable, all I need do is place a series of calls...but that is NOT the path that I have chosen for myself at this stage in my life.

My road is a higher one, and a HARDER one----but by MY choice. So I have no regrets. And during these dry periods (and yes, I'm in one currently...), and when I start to feel lonely, I stop and consider the fates of the majority of my friends/peers/ and even a lot of younger soldiers that I have served with in this war.

And here are the stats:

I have three friends who are in their late thirties and early forties who are now working on their THIRD marriages or divorces. With each broken union leaving behind bitter wives and bewildered children.

I have one "indecisive and passive" friend who is married to an older woman who treats him like a child and resents HIM for allowing her/MAKING her have to do it.

And I know of various younger guys who are jumping through hoops or throwing away their youth by putting committment before compatibility and MARRYING women who EVERYBODY can see is wrong for them BUT they themselves.

I don't look at these guys in ridicule, and I don't look at these guys from a "Holier than thou" vantage point either. Unfortunately, I look at them as living, breathing, cautionary tales of what CAN happen, and what IS happening out here to people STILL trapped in the Matrix of male/female relationships.

These people are still either blind to the fact that no other mere human being can make them happy, or they are choosing not to SEE that something is wrong with their current views on what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Regardless of which it is, I would encourage YOU, JOEkerr, to not lose sight of the fact that there IS a reason to be hopeful. Good relationships are out there. I've seen them. And have experienced them myself FOR A TIME. So this is NOT an unrealistic pipe dream...

You, and many of the soldiers here, already KNOW what a realistically fufilling relationship will look like once you obtain one. And probably even more important: You know, as a man of integrity, what it will take to cultivate a realistically fulfilling relationship ONCE you do obtain one.

One step forward from where you are, one minute away from where you are now, or one decision that you make from now, can make ALL the difference in your present mood.

The storms we face in life, the down times, and that little bit of fear that we face as we step from certainty into uncertainty is the price we pay for having our eyes OPENED.

It's true, my friend.

Sometimes your eyes DO "hurt because you haven't used them before."

But there are ALSO times when your eyes hurt "because you've been looking too hard and you've seen TOO MUCH."

So rest easy, soldier. For tomorrow is a new day...with new challenges...new obstacles...new opportunities...and YES...

...new VICTORIES.


And remember:

"No matter how many battles you fight, may your VICTORIES be UNLIMITED!!!!"
 

grinder

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jun 12, 2006
Messages
587
Reaction score
32
It will pass whether you do anything or nothing. Guaranteed.
 

DoubleA

Senior Don Juan
Joined
Jan 6, 2003
Messages
429
Reaction score
1
Age
50
Location
Washington Metro Area
Joekerr31,

You hang in there. There are a lot of guys who are in your shoes..including me. I understand the way you feel but I needed to get a life of my own. I'm doing that and it helps.

I started taking pictures of birds. Working out. Doing crossword puzzles to improve my vocabulary.

It's not how everyone else is living it's all about how you live. "Life is a journey, not a destination." as the picture says.

Remember, everything/everyone must change. Nothing stays the same.

- AA
 

Vulpine

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jan 18, 2006
Messages
2,514
Reaction score
134
Age
49
Location
The Castle Fox
Joeker dude... man, change your frame.

I'm 31 and I've just had the same funk not too long ago. Then, I took a deep breath and pushed this thought through my head:

"Man, this sorta sux, but... hmm... well, I could always just knock some chick up to pass my seed. Naw, that would sux even more. Um... dude, I must be high! I'm feeling sad for not being married? Oh no! I'm doomed to spend my entire life banging hotties without attachment! Oh crap! I won't get to be cooped up with some fat warthog who can't cook, doesn't clean, complains about sh!t all the time... DANG! Hold on... I know..."

*grabs phone, dials*

HB: "Hey sexy."
V: "WHAT THE FUX!"
HB: "What! What's wrong!!?"
V: "Why the FUX aren't you over here with my c0x in your mouth right now?"
HB: "OMG! I sorry! I don't know what I was thinking! I'll be over in fifteen minutes!"
V: "Better be, jeez, lol... See ya."
HB: "byyye."
V: "Wait, wait! Could you pick up some charcoal lighter on the way?"
HB: "YAY! You're grilling! Sure, no prob."
V: "Right on... thanks. Bye!"
HB: "See ya."

:D

Married? Come on dude.
 
Last edited:

WestCoaster

Master Don Juan
Joined
May 8, 2003
Messages
2,028
Reaction score
31
According to my married friends -- I refuse to give advice on marriage since I haven't been; just as my longtime married friends shouldn't give me advice on being single, since they've forgotten what it's like -- marriage is fun when it's going well, but a nightmare when it's not. It's not like a hot fudge sundae, that when it's not very good, it's still good.

I have several married AFC friends. One is in a nightmare of a marriage, closing in on 20 years, recently had a kid, he had many opportunities to get out, but he's literally scared of his wife. She lands on him constantly, criticizes him, he has to check in with her for EVERYTHING, it's torture. He has no life but was too scared to get divorced. He has GQ looks and could've bagged anything, and frankly he married a homely woman. I don't get it, never have. In that scenario, I'd rather be single for eternity than that.

DJ friend married a solid woman who turned a bit nutty down the road, especially after the 2nd kid. Got real negative and demeaning, though my friend pulls in six figures, great provider, outstanding father ... wifey is fairly critical. Never dismiss the fact that most American women are taught by their moms and society to be b-tches.

My happily married friends did well and are happier now than when they were single. Then again, most weren't players and probably happy to get married. But they tended to marry educated, classy, low maintenance/non-*****y/non-loud women, who have their own interests and let their husband have his own interests. These guys are very happy.

Another AFC friend is on second marriage, where he's been separated already, he's totally clueless.

Sadly, my AFC married friends greatly outnumber my happily married friends.

IMO, marriage is a tremendous institution if done right, and a complete disaster if done wrong. Doesn't seem to be a lot of middle ground there ... but what do I know? I haven't been married, I'm just an observer and learner.
 

Francisco d'Anconia

Master Don Juan
Joined
Jul 10, 2003
Messages
15,502
Reaction score
63
Location
Galt's Gulch
joekerr31 said:
...
feeling like a chic or something, cuz im thinking about how nice it would be to be married and how i dont really see that happening in the future.
Out of curiosity, what exactly do you believe you will gain from being married?
 

joekerr31

Master Don Juan
Joined
Aug 20, 2005
Messages
3,395
Reaction score
110
Age
50
excellent post VU - of gandhi like calibre.

thanks for all the replies guys. im out of the woods on that mood, dont know why it hit me when it did - hence why i say i was being like a chic. I think ive been watching too much tv lately - that sh*t rots your brain.

got my barrings back again and feeling good about things.

i think any time you get down about being single its not actually being single that is the issue, but a delusion that the grass is greener elsewhere.

its like when you want to get laid. when you want to get laid the urge to do so seems tremendous. after you get laid though you wonder what it was about the urge that was so powerful given that after satisfying it no great state of serenity is imparted on you. you simple have a moment of repose and then the cycle starts all over again.

which is a reminder that life in all regards is a cycle of needs, fulfilling those needs, and then those needs returning over and over again. or as puff daddy would say 'mo money mo problems' paradigm.

really the only solution is what i've always said - to let go of all needs and become what you are seeking in and of yourself. when you accomplish that, then you will be able to interact with the world around you and not lose yourself.
 

Men frequently err by talking too much. They often monopolize conversations, droning on and on about topics that bore women to tears. They think they're impressing the women when, in reality, they're depressing the women.

Quote taken from The SoSuave Guide to Women and Dating, which you can read for FREE.

Top