I remember finding this forum back around 2001. I was just starting uni at the time.
For a few years I was a lurker, not fully believing the things that I read. In 2004, after several years of failures, bouts of frustration and battling with depression, I joined with a new username 'jt4aa' and began posting.
Most of what I posted was shot down, reading through it I can see why - I didn't really know what I was talking about. Everything that I said was true, but there was an element of mental distortion. The way I saw the world wasn't quite the reality that it was.
I don't go on pick up forums anymore, other than to see if anything has changed - they haven't changed in 10 years. Its still the same merry go round of confused and hurt people.
My life has changed alot in the last 10 years.
My journey really started when I was fired from my office job, and spent 2 years walking the streets of my home town, reading a different self help book from cover to cover everyday, and approaching people in the street. Every day I would walk home angry, elated, and confused.
Through 5 solid years of street pickup I met many friends, some of which are now incredibly successful businessmen. For myself, I went on a total transformative journey. I tried everything from door 2 door sales, to charity work. I went on an RSD bootcamp, had my first relationship, and then continued on. I mostly reject pickup at this point. All I saw was people who were messed up. I was tired of being dragged down. To me the community became like quicksand.
I rebuilt my mind from the ground up, forgave my parents, disolved my fears and accepted my faults and flaws.
Then I gave up on sex. I decided that it just wasn't important anymore. In many ways, I just didn't care about women anymore. It was at this point in my life, that something inside me was released. Shortly after accepting that I no longer cared if I had sex ever again, I met a girl who I started a relationship with.
This girl was far from perfect - her life consisted of work, eating junk food and watching soap operas. I told her I wanted to build something with her. She accepted me. We fought each other for the first year. Every time I pushed her, she would resist. I stayed when no one else would. I had nothing to lose.
I asked her what her dreams where. She wanted to be a massage therapist. I encouraged her to quit her office job and go back to school. She was terrified, but she did it because I asked her to. I had no idea whether it would work for her, but I didn't care about failing anymore. You can't break someone that is already broken..
I became qualified in hypnotherapy in tandem with her going back to school, ran my own London bootcamps with a friend. I did alot of things in this time. I started my own business (which I still run).
We stayed together for 3 years. Both of us changed utterly as people. We became softer, simpler and happier people. No longer did something have to happen, no longer did we use words like 'must', 'have to', 'should', 'never' or 'always' when talking about ourselves in relation to life. We simply worked hard and supported each other, for the slim chance that there may be a brighter future to come.
Come it did. We did not achieve much in societies eyes, but inside we transformed as people. Life became worth living in way I never previously understood. Waking up in the morning became exciting for me.
In this time, after wanting a relationship my whole life, I realised that relationships wheren't that important afterall. My mind started to realise that a relationship felt like a cage. It was the love and support of another. That was the essence of it. The label of relationship was only harmful for me.
I wanted my freedom. I remember the days sitting on the bench in the street. I would while away a few hours staring at people going about their daily lives and chat to the older folk who would share that bench with me, eating their lunch and looking in wonder at the pace of others.
I no longer wanted to be 'owned' by a person. I began to study Polyamory, and realised that I had to either tell my partner how I felt, or leave. I no longer had the wish to hold anything inside from the people who have my trust. I am unafraid of their pain, because I know that honesty doesn't bring anything other than respect and happiness.
She couldn't handle the thought of me being with another. We had talked about her fantasies before though, and I knew she wanted to be with another woman.
Our relationship hung by a thread, as I left for 2 months to travel around asia on my own. I spent 2 months with only my mind for company. I rejected any potential travel friends because I was on a personal mission, to look deeper into myself. Some days as I stared at the ceiling for hours, I wanted to cry I felt so alone. Mostly though, I felt like a warrior, as if there was nowhere I couldn't survive. Upon my return, I no longer felt afraid to be alone.
Throughout the duration of my relationship, I never cheated on my girlfriend. I tested myself several times, but I simply couldn't. I saw it as dishonest.
Upon my return, my girlfriend told me that she had been offered a job on a cruise ship as a massuese and she had accepted. I wouldn't see her for a year.
She then left for a month away on holiday herself. By this time, I understood within myself that without the fear of being alone, truly I was in fact polyamorous, and that I only ever wanted to be loving and loved by many at once.
So, within a few weeks, I went on a dating site and ended up in bed with another woman. I no longer felt dishonest. I just felt like the person that I was. I was no longer living up to expectation.
Upon my partners return, we talked through her options. She told me that she was happy for me to be with other women while she was gone. At first I didn't believe her. She loved me enough for me to be myself.
After a whole life of searching. I have learned to be myself. The one thing that you are told not to be, I have learned to be.
When I look around at people, I see many that are afraid to explore themselves. I only did so because I would rather die than accept my life as the shadow it was.
If you frequent this forum, and you read and take in what people are telling you what to do, then you are living as a shadow of your real self. I did this myself for many years, and as I can now look back from the other side, I can surely say that for me atleast this was a mistake.
Your real self is inside you, and out there, reflected back on you 'in the field'. I wanted to write this so that those of you that are confused, had the chance to read the thoughts of someone who has gone the distance. I haven't won anything, and I don't have scores of women under my belt. What I do have is a life that is better then I ever thought I deserved. I got there because I broke. Something inside me reached a threshold, and I could take no more of my current life.
I learned that most problems are imaginary, and that if we can simply see whats out there and not over-react, then we can embody our natural selves.
I no longer follow other peoples advice, I simply listen, observe and act. The lessons are out there if you can find them.
Those that follow others are unbroken people, and so they will continue to take what is given to them. You have to go over your own threshold to change. I'm not talking about a comfort zone. I talking about being broken. Desperate to change. Only you can do this for yourself.
I hope this has been useful to some of you.
For a few years I was a lurker, not fully believing the things that I read. In 2004, after several years of failures, bouts of frustration and battling with depression, I joined with a new username 'jt4aa' and began posting.
Most of what I posted was shot down, reading through it I can see why - I didn't really know what I was talking about. Everything that I said was true, but there was an element of mental distortion. The way I saw the world wasn't quite the reality that it was.
I don't go on pick up forums anymore, other than to see if anything has changed - they haven't changed in 10 years. Its still the same merry go round of confused and hurt people.
My life has changed alot in the last 10 years.
My journey really started when I was fired from my office job, and spent 2 years walking the streets of my home town, reading a different self help book from cover to cover everyday, and approaching people in the street. Every day I would walk home angry, elated, and confused.
Through 5 solid years of street pickup I met many friends, some of which are now incredibly successful businessmen. For myself, I went on a total transformative journey. I tried everything from door 2 door sales, to charity work. I went on an RSD bootcamp, had my first relationship, and then continued on. I mostly reject pickup at this point. All I saw was people who were messed up. I was tired of being dragged down. To me the community became like quicksand.
I rebuilt my mind from the ground up, forgave my parents, disolved my fears and accepted my faults and flaws.
Then I gave up on sex. I decided that it just wasn't important anymore. In many ways, I just didn't care about women anymore. It was at this point in my life, that something inside me was released. Shortly after accepting that I no longer cared if I had sex ever again, I met a girl who I started a relationship with.
This girl was far from perfect - her life consisted of work, eating junk food and watching soap operas. I told her I wanted to build something with her. She accepted me. We fought each other for the first year. Every time I pushed her, she would resist. I stayed when no one else would. I had nothing to lose.
I asked her what her dreams where. She wanted to be a massage therapist. I encouraged her to quit her office job and go back to school. She was terrified, but she did it because I asked her to. I had no idea whether it would work for her, but I didn't care about failing anymore. You can't break someone that is already broken..
I became qualified in hypnotherapy in tandem with her going back to school, ran my own London bootcamps with a friend. I did alot of things in this time. I started my own business (which I still run).
We stayed together for 3 years. Both of us changed utterly as people. We became softer, simpler and happier people. No longer did something have to happen, no longer did we use words like 'must', 'have to', 'should', 'never' or 'always' when talking about ourselves in relation to life. We simply worked hard and supported each other, for the slim chance that there may be a brighter future to come.
Come it did. We did not achieve much in societies eyes, but inside we transformed as people. Life became worth living in way I never previously understood. Waking up in the morning became exciting for me.
In this time, after wanting a relationship my whole life, I realised that relationships wheren't that important afterall. My mind started to realise that a relationship felt like a cage. It was the love and support of another. That was the essence of it. The label of relationship was only harmful for me.
I wanted my freedom. I remember the days sitting on the bench in the street. I would while away a few hours staring at people going about their daily lives and chat to the older folk who would share that bench with me, eating their lunch and looking in wonder at the pace of others.
I no longer wanted to be 'owned' by a person. I began to study Polyamory, and realised that I had to either tell my partner how I felt, or leave. I no longer had the wish to hold anything inside from the people who have my trust. I am unafraid of their pain, because I know that honesty doesn't bring anything other than respect and happiness.
She couldn't handle the thought of me being with another. We had talked about her fantasies before though, and I knew she wanted to be with another woman.
Our relationship hung by a thread, as I left for 2 months to travel around asia on my own. I spent 2 months with only my mind for company. I rejected any potential travel friends because I was on a personal mission, to look deeper into myself. Some days as I stared at the ceiling for hours, I wanted to cry I felt so alone. Mostly though, I felt like a warrior, as if there was nowhere I couldn't survive. Upon my return, I no longer felt afraid to be alone.
Throughout the duration of my relationship, I never cheated on my girlfriend. I tested myself several times, but I simply couldn't. I saw it as dishonest.
Upon my return, my girlfriend told me that she had been offered a job on a cruise ship as a massuese and she had accepted. I wouldn't see her for a year.
She then left for a month away on holiday herself. By this time, I understood within myself that without the fear of being alone, truly I was in fact polyamorous, and that I only ever wanted to be loving and loved by many at once.
So, within a few weeks, I went on a dating site and ended up in bed with another woman. I no longer felt dishonest. I just felt like the person that I was. I was no longer living up to expectation.
Upon my partners return, we talked through her options. She told me that she was happy for me to be with other women while she was gone. At first I didn't believe her. She loved me enough for me to be myself.
After a whole life of searching. I have learned to be myself. The one thing that you are told not to be, I have learned to be.
When I look around at people, I see many that are afraid to explore themselves. I only did so because I would rather die than accept my life as the shadow it was.
If you frequent this forum, and you read and take in what people are telling you what to do, then you are living as a shadow of your real self. I did this myself for many years, and as I can now look back from the other side, I can surely say that for me atleast this was a mistake.
Your real self is inside you, and out there, reflected back on you 'in the field'. I wanted to write this so that those of you that are confused, had the chance to read the thoughts of someone who has gone the distance. I haven't won anything, and I don't have scores of women under my belt. What I do have is a life that is better then I ever thought I deserved. I got there because I broke. Something inside me reached a threshold, and I could take no more of my current life.
I learned that most problems are imaginary, and that if we can simply see whats out there and not over-react, then we can embody our natural selves.
I no longer follow other peoples advice, I simply listen, observe and act. The lessons are out there if you can find them.
Those that follow others are unbroken people, and so they will continue to take what is given to them. You have to go over your own threshold to change. I'm not talking about a comfort zone. I talking about being broken. Desperate to change. Only you can do this for yourself.
I hope this has been useful to some of you.
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