NC on No?

[zrammbo]

Longtime lurker here and I just started posting. Ok I'm in a situation now and I got questions but I guess it's just to explain the situation first so here it goes.

I started dating this girl I met on Tagged last year. I was homeless at the time and she offered to pay to eat at Taco Bell so I went and we wound up smashing, and about the 3rd time hanging out we decided to officially start going out. Now she was a former prostitute and I didn't think much was gonna come of everything but I was open to possibilities.

We started going out and everything was perfect, I eventually tell her I'm homeless and she actually cries so that's when I really knows she cares about me. She was living with her mom at the time but she starts sneaking me in at night so I have somewhere to sleep. Everything is all good but I keep drinking more and more. Eventually we start arguing about bs and I start getting more and more abusive.

We make a plan to get an apartment of our own and accomplish it, but 2 weeks before we're supposed to move in together I get drunk and get abusive and she calls the cops so I go to jail for 30 days. I'm in jail feeling bad for what I did and send a letter to her and her mom, she forgives me and I get out of jail and move into the new apartment. Things are perfect for the first few days but then I start drinking more and more and eventually wind up doing more abusive **** and going back to jail. But I manage to get her to forgive me, but not to the level where she actually takes me back as a boyfriend but she accepts me as her bestfriend and lets me come back. And not best friend as in I'm sleeping on the floor but we're sleeping in the same bed and having sex sometimes. Eventually I get drunk and wind up in jail for another 30 days again, this happens 4-5 times total. The last time she was already full blown back into escorting and I had drank a whole bunch and got into another situation with her that led to me going to jail. I got out of jail about a month and a half ago, when I originally contacted her I had sent her a letter I typed and she said she liked the letter and we talked for an hour. But then after that when I hit her up she was acting like she didn't want to talk to me ever again. So I though ok have it your way, and I haven't hit her up for about 4-5 weeks now. I was wondering if I should just go completely NC until she hits me up, or if I shouldn't go completely NC when would be a good time to talk again?

 

[Yorkex]

In my opinion this does not require NC.
Sit down and deeply THINK about every thing that just happened. YOU lied and smashed her and after told her the truth but she cared about you to let it slide. And you get drunk and beat her up not one BUT twice !

Seriously ? !! Sit down and make plans to change your life...stop the alcohol and TAKE control of your life man.
She was trying to help you and you screwed her twice , you have nothing to offer her right now. Apologize and ask her to help you break your habit if she agrees then for once in your life MAN up and make a change.

Get a job and get your life together.
And for God sakes STOP drinking too much it's not going to bring anything of value to your life !

 

[Meisterman]

Dude. It seems to me women right now should be the LEAST of your concerns. She's given you many chances and you don't learn from your mistakes. Take charge of your life and get your sh*t together and stay sober. Until you can learn to do that, you shouldn't even be thinking about women.

 

[Mystir]

There comes a point in all of our lives where just don't get it. We have hundreds of options and each choice seems to be the wrong one... or we have no options but everything we would like to be able to do is barred.

It seems like you are experiencing an issue of the second kind.

First, everyone here is correct, get your act together. Your not a bad person for what occurred, you'll only end up a bad person if you don't fix your issues (which we recognize that you are at least trying if you are reaching out to us).

Now, to do that, you've got to get rid of the alcohol. Start sitting or laying down, play songs or movies you like in the back ground and just think. If you are homeless as of now, listen to cars or birds or trees, or nothing at all. But there never has, and never will be substitute to fixing yourself. I've learned this, and everyone who has a successful life has learned it.

I do not mean to sound harsh or anything, but it seems like (from the information given) that you've got some spite. We all know women seem to love drawing that out of us, but if you find ways to eliminate your need to show that spite, then they lose that game. Which also makes them wonder wtf you're thinking and makes them think more about you.

I think you've got this, and "No Contact" might be a bit extreme... how about "Limited Contact" for a while... just until you can cut some of that alcohol out of your lifestyle.

You can handle it, you're probably a tough guy.

 

[zrammbo]

There comes a point in all of our lives where just don't get it. We have hundreds of options and each choice seems to be the wrong one... or we have no options but everything we would like to be able to do is barred.

It seems like you are experiencing an issue of the second kind.

First, everyone here is correct, get your act together. Your not a bad person for what occurred, you'll only end up a bad person if you don't fix your issues (which we recognize that you are at least trying if you are reaching out to us).

Now, to do that, you've got to get rid of the alcohol. Start sitting or laying down, play songs or movies you like in the back ground and just think. If you are homeless as of now, listen to cars or birds or trees, or nothing at all. But there never has, and never will be substitute to fixing yourself. I've learned this, and everyone who has a successful life has learned it.

I do not mean to sound harsh or anything, but it seems like (from the information given) that you've got some spite. We all know women seem to love drawing that out of us, but if you find ways to eliminate your need to show that spite, then they lose that game. Which also makes them wonder wtf you're thinking and makes them think more about you.

I think you've got this, and "No Contact" might be a bit extreme... how about "Limited Contact" for a while... just until you can cut some of that alcohol out of your lifestyle.

You can handle it, you're probably a tough guy.

Thanks for the replies guys I appreciate it. I have stopped drinking for the most part, and just got a new job and I moved back in with my parents the last time I got out of jail a month ago so I'm not homeless at the moment.

I see what you're saying about limited contact, the thing is when I first got out of jail I wrote her a letter and she liked it and we talked for like and hour or 2 but ever since then she's been cold and says she doesn't want anything to do with me because it's already hard enough getting over me. I do love her a lot but I'm wondering if it's to the point where I should just move on and try to forget about her since she already full blown back into escorting or would trying to establish contact after I get my sh*t together more be ok?

 

[salinechow]

Look, I’m going to offer another, maybe completely of the wall perspective here. May even sound harsh. Yet, a lot of what is truth is harsh.

This is not a quality girl. Why? Because she actually put up with your crap. Her poor choices in life not withstanding, you are the MAN here. Lead. You are asking about NC. Seriously! You both are too F^cked up to play PU games until one of you commits to a lifestyle of loving yourselves enough to break away from this craziness. Maybe inside you are a great guy. I dont doubt that most are. Actually you sound pretty ok to me, if you’re not a board troll, but I’ll give you the benefit of doubt. But, your behavior, and your circumstance are as bad as bad gets. You are a drunk, a criminal, a user and a woman hitter.( You sir come here for advice so that we can coddle a broken heart you caused by hitting a woman!!!!!!?! You should suffer. However, that aside, this is still a group for men to help men. We all have our demons I guess so Ill continue in the spirit and respect of SS.) Yet, this braud loved and cared for you? She is confused and probably has serious problems. You shouldn’t want her, you should leave her alone, and frankly she shouldn’t want you. Man to man, if we can still qualify you as such, (although I do respect your authenticity and self-awareness and the ability to reach out) move on. Actually, move forward. With all society offers today you have no excuse but to get well. Yes, addiction is a disease; no it will not be easy. Laziness and mooching however are not a disease. Get into a 12 step program, do the work, get well. If then, after a year (most 12 steps require a year of no relationships because of co-dependencies) you still love her and she still loves you, then who am I to judge any further.

Now, instead of sh1tting on you(deserved or not) allow me to encourage you with a little story. My oldest and closest friend suffered addictions of all kinds for over 15 years. Heroin mostly but really anything he could get his hands on. Had an 85k job but didn’t own silverware. Obviously, at the end(which lasted an excruciating 2 years) he lost everything. Also, obviously, he also almost lost his life 3 times.

Then, he committed himself to himself. He entered a 12 step and they helped him when no one else would. He owned it, he did the work, and he got clean. After nine months sobriety he was able to rejoin society and start over. But wait, there is more… I kid you not… One week after being home he was invited to be in a low rent local music video. He had actually hit the gym pretty hard while in the program and looked pretty fit and had that rock star look. He also has always been musically inclined. While on “set” he met someone, that knew someone else(and an HB 9 by the way but that’s a whole other story) in a famous(very famous) band that needed someone with no roots and a music background to go on tour and help out. He left on tour, with this famous band, 2 weeks later. One band member was also in recovery so they had “meetings”. One thing leads to another and he performed well and was promoted to drum tech. Then to lead board tech.
Now….HE IS IN THE F^CKING band. He has gone to Afganistan to play for troops. He has toured Australia and Europe. Of course he has toured the U.S as well. He pushes away HBs all day. He wins at life. He still does the sober work. He started all over at 32.

Stop being a d!ck. Stop whining about whatever holds you back. There is no such thing as luck. Get healthy and life will bless you. Your troubles and your poor choices will fade quicker than you think. Choose life.

 

[zrammbo]

I don't think I was whining about anything holding me back but thanks for your perspective.