NC, IDGAF, Scarcity in Attention When Treated Poorly

[resilient]

It used to be when a man was treated poorly by his main plate or plates in general, he would hold back attention, be less available, IDGAF, spend time with other plates, radio silence, or go full NC for a while.

In the past, I felt like full NC/ghost/ignoring messages, etc. would surprise them. Abandonment triggers. More so if they didn't see it coming and would feel shell shocked for a while. Worse if they are/were Cluster B. Cry in front of you. Cry with girlfriends or get all around super emotional. Chase or blow up your phone trying to resolve a fight or situation until it was resolved on her terms. Show up at your place, work, or bug your friends and family trying to get through to you.

They would get the NC message well and clear if you didn't back down and budge. Shape up to earn back your respect. Now with all the attention they're getting from thirsty dudes on social media and OLD, women care less (IDGAF). They're less likely to work things out in a LTR and even more so if its a STR when orbiters are hitting them up on the daily.

I'm heading into my late 30s as 2019 is coming around the corner and I've never seen a generation of women more entitled, aloof, and so indifferent than in years past. It's easy to care less if you have a steady rotation of plates or can easily pick up new plates. It general though, it's harder for a guy than it is for a woman which is what I'm getting at.

Now... if the woman is heavily invested in an LTR with the guy and doesn't have an immediate replacement lined up that she deems as a worthy contender or upgrade, she'll get pissy but then shape up like a good soldier (as Guru used to say).

How you do you guys handle disrespect, rude behavior, declining interest level, mind/power games when she's trying to dent or breakdown the barriers of your frame?

In other words, are they indifferent, rapidly decline interest level, become less available, hot/cold, flake or stop being as giving?

Discuss.

 

[djdfuser]

One warning then bail permanently.

 

[Dash Riprock]

OP,

Keep in mind that 97% of all men are clueless about being a DJ, running effective game, or just being a MAN. We've discussed ad nauseam on SS that most "men" these days, around 18-35+, are thoroughly weak and pussified. That being said,, sure, the playing field may tilt toward women these days with online dating and apps, but EVOLUTION isn't so fast to catch up. Deep in her DNA is the need for a real MAN, not some p*ussy chasing beta chump. The choices she has are mainly bad---and she knows it.

So, OP, when a woman disrespects you, NOTHING CHANGES. You give a warning (maybe) and/or go NC and/or reduce your attention. Women know good men are actually harder to find now than 10-15 years ago because they've become so weak and immature. So stay the course.

When you go NC or reduce attention, you do it for YOU not her, because you have self-respect and dignity and value yourself and your time. And, YES, she will miss you if you acted DJ and like a man around her, she just may not show it. She will be getting lots of attention and have lots of options, but know the odds are around 3% per guy, that they have any strong masculine or DJ qualities. Kind of like you having options with tens of fat, mostly ugly chicks, big f*ucking deal...right?

Women that break up with strong, DJ men are truly damaged goods. It happens. But, they're doing you a favor.

It's **ALWAYS** about IDGAF and the Abundance Mindset. This will NEVER change. Stay the course.

~Dash

 

[HankHill]

I'm heading into my late 30s as 2019 is coming around the corner and I've never seen a generation of women more entitled, aloof, and so indifferent than in years past.

Ain't that the truth, even women well into their 40s.

 

[Roober]

Dealing with women is nothing like dealing with men. Women say and do stupid $hit just because they are women.

Women talk about 5 times more than men on average. Therefore, they are far better at it. This is primarily driven by how women process emotions, they talk to organize their thoughts and figure things out. Where many men (myself included) fail is understanding this very basic concept.

Often times, women talk with no real meaning at all. I would compare this to a completing a puzzle. As men, we think and complete the puzzle. Women need to talk about how they will do it, what pieces should go where, the lighting in the room, the surface the puzzle is on, and so many other little details that are often insignificant. Look up "it's not about the nail" on youtube and watch it 100 times.

The issue is because as men, we hear one thing wrong and want to fix her problems. BUT she doesn't want a fix. She just wants someone to listen. And this is where I believe many men falsely ascertain disrespectful behavior. An argument starts over something so trivial, and her actual respect for him begins to diminish leading to actual disrespectful behavior. Many men here and otherwise miss these simple nuances of women, and are then perplexed as to why she loses respect for him. If she acts disrespectful towards you, you have already failed long before the act in question.

The key is to listen, smile, pinch her nipple, and fvck her when shes done. If she doesn't ask for advice, she doesn't want it. She has the girlfriend network anyways for that. It's hard as h3ll sometimes, but that's really all there is to it.

 

[resilient]

Great advice and insights from above. It sounds like I just have to step back and observe behavior and plan accordingly. Always be the man. Always be willing to walk away with no regrets. Self-respect in tact.

Do I really want a main or plates in general in my life that don’t value, respect, and enjoy their time with me?

If she wants to step back and continue to explore her options then I won’t hold the door. I’ll do the same. I’ll freely let her go because she wasn’t that invested in a budding relationship to begin with.

What I’ve learned from this forum is the LTR has to be her idea, not mine. I can entertain the idea of an LTR, yet it certainly will not be my first thought lol.

The cognitive dissonance I’m having is that there are some women out there who just want to hook up for a short term fling while they figure themselves out after coming out of a multiple year LTR.

Rebounds can happen a year after exiting a relationship, they don’t have to be in the middle of a branch swing or just after. It all depends how hooked emotionally she was on the ex. With some women that could be years if there was a heavy emotional, physical, and spiritual investment on her part.

There are many women out there that just enjoy NSA sex. Many guys would jump at that opportunity... I just can’t maintain no attachment hooking up for months without feeling something at all towards them. Maybe that’s the religious upbringing side of me coming out.. idk.

Some guys might say “hey dude... you just need to screen better”. The trouble with women is... seeing through the acts during the initial love bombing stage where they are on their best behavior. Sooner or later, the mask comes off, the trick is not being so emotionally attached when she reveals who she really is.

 

[fastlife]

I was actually toying around with a post on this very matter. It's easy, staring into the face of modern sexual dynamics that are tipped out of your favor, to feel like the victim. Resist that urge; instead look at this as an opportunity to grow. Each relationship & each rejection is a chance to become more in touch with yourself--who you are, what you like, how you want your life to look. We have no choice but to become stronger than we would have otherwise--and with each rejection, come closer to self actualization; each relationship becoming a better iteration than the last.

Firstly: You cannot control her reaction. That means you have to do it for YOU. Which in reality is what we should've been doing to begin with. It's not--and never was--about her. You have exactly one life: So what if you don't get the instant gratification of having some broad chase you when you pull away. You are leaving with the keys to the car, miles of open road, and plenty of attractive stops along the way.

Where you gonna go? We have no choice but to be our own purpose.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly: Enjoy the fvcking moment. We all know it won't last. Even if the relationship does ostensibly, she'll change, you'll change, your feelings will change, hers will change. But that moment? No one can take that away from you. Who she is when she's in your frame? She'll never be that same girl, for you or anyone else, ever again. Embrace that fleeting moment, really take the time to experience it. Don't be afraid to relive it once she's gone. Life's not gonna last forever. It might be a long time before you feel that way again and, who knows?, maybe your health changes or, God forbid, you're gonna die tomorrow. Bitterness, regret, etc. will poison those precious moments. A lot of girls will try to poison those moments for you. Don't let 'em. And don't get stuck in wishing things turned out differently--they were perfect for what they were.

 

[The Duke]

How you do you guys handle disrespect, rude behavior, declining interest level, mind/power games when she's trying to dent or breakdown the barriers of your frame?

In other words, are they indifferent, rapidly decline interest level, become less available, hot/cold, flake or stop being as giving?

Discuss.

Whenever I feel I am being mistreated I like to think about it as long as necessary. Make sure it's a legit issue and not some irrational fleeting thought that I felt when I was in a funky/bad mood. If I am going to bring up an issue to a woman it needs to be rock solid.....Pick your battles wisely with them.

After I've processed things on my own, I either tell them right away in a straight forward manner and its the last time I see them, or I think of how I

I think about what my approach will be in explaining my concern I have with her. Sometimes depending on what it was they did, I might not even discuss. I will tell them what they did wrong and thats the last time I see them.

If its a solid girl I care about and its a behavior that can be corrected then I sit down and discuss. Usually I start off with "hey, something seems a little off lately, is there something that is bothering you?" I use statements like this to lower their defense mechanisms and not come across like I am attacking them. Once the dialogue starts, I keep priming the conversation pump letting them do most of the talking, guiding them to what my issue is in a not so straight forward path. Telling them how you "feel" is language they understand the best. This is better than telling them exactly what they did.

Guys are more action/solve the problem oriented and address the issue by accomplishing something. Women would rather talk all day long about feelings/emotions/thoughts to address an issue rather than implement an action and a defined resolution. @Roober touched on this with his puzzle example.

What I have found so many times that after I am done discussing an issue with a woman I usually feel like I'm not sure if the message got delivered or not. When I have a discussion with a guy, we both know exactly where we stand with each other and its much more black and white. We either resolved the issue and can move forward together or we walk away enemies.

If you will be patient, a good woman will process what you talked about and you'll see a few days later that she got the message as she starts to correct the problem.

Some examples:

Example 1:
I had a plate this summer that was super easy to get along with. Rarely spent any money on her. Most of the time she came over to my house for drinks and we listened/danced to music in my living room then had sex. I never once went to her house. One night she let it slip that she had a 3rd kid with her first husband. She had always told me she only had 2 kids with her 2nd husband. (The first husband died in a motorcycle wreck). The kid she had with her first husband she hadn't seen for several years and was now 17. So I asked her why this was. I
couldn't understand how you could leave your kid that no longer had a dad. She got very emotional and angry and created all sorts of drama. It was obvious I uncovered some deep unresolved issues.

This was the last time I saw her. I couldn't handle the deception, nor how she handled the situation. She called/texted for weeks trying to get me to talk to her and I refused. No point in discussing. I don't care to surround myself with these types.

Example 2:
Had another plate that wanted to meet up with me after a concert I went to. I told her that would be fine if she got there early enuff. She didn't get to the bar I was at until 30min before closing time so I was beyond ready to leave. She took her sweet time getting there, got lost trying to find the place(not sure how you do that with Google Maps lol), then when she got there she demanded I buy her drinks and noted how expensive they were. After I refused, she ridiculed me for 5minutes about what an azzhole I was All of this poor behavior flipped a switch in me and that was the end for her. For 2 months afterwards she would text trying to get me back and even started sending nudes. I responded to none of it. No point in discussing with selfish entitled wh0res like this.

Example 3:
This girl was one I saw some potential in. From the start she showed very high interest and some love bombing but that doesn't always mean the girl is going to be crazy. After a while her interest level declined. She wasnt telling me she missed me anymore, all the sweet texts slowed to a trickle, she couldn't find time to go out on a date. It had been 2wks since we saw each other so I randomly said it seemed like she has backed up some. She apologized and said it seemed that way because she had been sick, got behind at work, one kid got sick, and she had been dealing with her kids and their activities. I didn't make a big deal out of it.

A week later things had not improved so we had a discussion. I started the convo off by saying how I'm not sure where I stood with her. She had no idea what I meant, because she hadn't felt that at all. I let her talk and she explained that her feelings for me hadn't changed at all, and it was truly because she had been super busy and she was sorry for neglecting me. She tried to say how I can't possibly understand how busy she was because I don't have kids. I said thats not the issue here. The issue is Howie FEELS like he is standing out here in the middle of the island all by himself and his girl that was crazy about him is now preoccupied about collecting sea shells on the shore by herself. She got a little defensive but I assured her it had nothing to do with putting her kids 1st. I'm totally cool with that. I don't need constant attention but I do need to feel like I shouldn't throw in the towel. I left her with plenty to think about and really wasn't sure what would become of it.

A few days later it was evident the message had sunk in as I saw signs she was trying to reassure me she was committed. In fact my gut tells me I scored big points with her because I explained the issue in a manner that wasn't threatening, stayed calm, and listened and appreciated her side. Sometimes you have to let people come up with their own solutions and ideas to get what you want out of them. Let them think it was their idea to improve something. Just guide them down the channel until they realize what it is you are wanting resolved. Its the easiest way to accomplish something with a female.

You have to communicate your needs and not make your partner guess what they are. You have to understand each others 5 Love Languages and deliver. Each other has to care enough to understand where the other is coming from. Always remember that feelings ebb and flow.

Time will tell if she is giving me lip service, but either way we can move forward.

 

[The Duke]

One thing I am realizing about committed relationships is none of them will ever be perfect. She won't be and you won't be either. Figure out what it is you need/want/desire in a partner. You can find a girl that has about 70% of what you desire if you have equal SMV. Pick a girl that matches your core values/morals. Then go find it.

Once you hit a rough spot in the road, realize that you need to exert some effort in order to keep what you have. When BOTH of you fail to resolve your issues in a respectful manner, you will eventually find yourself looking for another relationship. You have to stop the cycle at some point. Its important that your partner understands this too.

If you have a solid girl, stop the temptation to go out and find another one and repeat the same ole song & dance if a LTR is what you seek. Make what you have work before you throw in the towel.

We constantly discuss and practice ideas on how to attract/have sex with women, but rarely do we work at keeping women. lol. I think some of us are seeing that. A lot of the concepts that work to attract women(many times the wrong kind) don't work to keep them.

A man must balance the alpha vs. beta image he portrays. Its all about balance and being clued into what goes on in her head.

Hold yourself accountable for how your actions can bring out anxieties in women that end up causing drama for yourself. Not all women are naturally crazy, just a lot of them!

 

[ohrein]

A lot of the concepts that work to attract women(many times the wrong kind) don't work to keep them.

I think the core values do work to keep women though. Be the man, lead, stay on your mission. Make your world a place women want to come into and keep working on that world.

A man must balance the alpha vs. beta image he portrays. Its all about balance and being clued into what goes on in her head.

Yes, exactly. If anything, use the two concepts as emotional rides. Be stern then soft. Shows you have a backbone but also a soft side. In the rare case that my girlfriend gets on me about something and I put my foot down, then come back to her wanting to resolve it, seems to spike interest a lot. It's kind of like the best of both worlds.

 

[djdfuser]

The initial pull back *after you've hooked up* is the end now, I agree, their half hearted attempts to keep you on the hook notwithstanding. No matter what you do you can only delay the inevitable. This has always been the case but more pronounced and obvious now. When just getting to know them though you have to expect it and find other things to do.

Dude, you be a clever romantic talking riddles. Ever thought of concentrating on young, less looking and less flighty chicks or older and better looking?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I've dated them all

What works?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Works for what?

You. What types tend to work and which type tend not to work?

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Well I want a marriage so nothing has worked so far. I can tell you that in the aftermath of a bad break, I find my own advice here to be most on point, which means I compromise my values too quickly or at least am biased towards certain values over other very important ones.

What would you advice yourself if you wanted to forget about marriage for several years and make the most of the dating world?

 

[djdfuser]

I've dated them all

Just bouncing my own sh!t off you, brother.

 

[djdfuser]

Well I want a marriage.

Except for that. Over and out.

 

[Murk]

I have 2 plates plus an 18 year old at work who I’ve arranged to bang on 16th nov and 6 or 7th December (hotel work Xmas party).

The two plates I picked up last week and banged and both were all on me before, said they enjoyed the sex but have both given me next week as dates to see them and bang again.

Is it normal for girls to try not to see you soon after? Usually after a smash and few days cooling off they will be up for it again. The comms are good, no coldness, but definitely telling me they have busy lives/work and it will have to wait.

They both got the “cool, let me know when your free” reply and minimal contact, but I don’t remember it being like this.

The 18 year old works in a different office about an hour drive from me and I’m not making a round trip plus she’s made it obvious at work and when we are in the same office and as a 29 yo I don’t need the speculation. But she is constantly flirting and giving me the good attention while the others are not.

My housemate I banged (yes I’m getting bored of mentioning her myself don’t worry) I’ve withdrawn from, she seems to be warming up more and I genuinely couldn’t give a fvck about her now as I have some other options.

The receptionist at my office building, Eastern European, funny, smart and hot. We are going ice skating, no hard plans but she’s mentioned it and I’ve emailed her suggestions and she is down.

Today at work we saw a hot young girl walk past and my colleague told me to talk to her when she comes back the other way, he said it in a kind of “she’s too hot for you to do your usual routine” way, so she walked past and I said “excuse me, where did you get your boots from?” Strikes up a quick convo she asked why I was wearing a poncho over my suit and I said because I like it (I’m quite quirky, eccentric and have great billings so work let me do what I want.

Anyway the point of this post is when I’m in the zone I can do anything, but sometimes randomly girls are pulling back? Also I can just feel depressed and not have my usual energy/state of being.

I’m too temperamental.

 

[BeExcellent]

Advice from the old lady:

There is a lot a of wisdom in this thread. Here's my two (or ten) cents FWIW. Relationships succeed or fail on two criteria in my opinion. Those criteria are authenticity and communication. Relationships also bring two individuals together and bond them to one another however the trick is maintaining your own individuality in that growing close together. This is not easy. As people grow closer all sorts of defects and flaws inherent in each person naturally surface. The insecurities, the fears, the childhood BS, it all comes to light and much of it isn't pretty or something to be proud of. In a codependent relationship (not what gets espoused around here) the two people lose their own personal boundaries and become enmeshed, or emotionally fused together. This is a toxic state for a relationship to exist in, and is not stable long term.

In a solid relationship both people look to address and grow through the issues that WILL crop up, and they do so in a supportive manner. Relationships are dynamic and constantly changing and evolving as are the people in them.

Tactics for capturing a relationship partner (for lack of a better description) such as NC, IDGAF, attention withdrawal and the like are useful but are less important that communication and being one's authentic self, flaws and all. Intimacy requires authenticity. Good LTRs thrive on intimacy.

Being IDGAF is great...to a point. It's great in the early phases of dating, it's useful to help us as individuals recognize and honor our own standards and the value we bring to our partner...but it can also be hurtful if carried too far. As many of you guys know I'm dating someone of the "player" archetype. This is a man who knows the game cold and who has managed myriad rotations of multiple women over the years. He's a blast, we "get" each other on many levels...but guess what? He is a very difficult guy to trust. He's a BS artist extraordinaire. He brings out insecurities in me that revolve around trust and also around me being a control freak (he expects to lead - he expects me to trust him) and this is where conflicts arise from my side. He knows he is a tough person to trust because of his history, even some of our history together (which he acknowledges) and he has made an increasing effort to soothe me and reassure me as the relationship has gone on. Not something you'd expect from an alpha man who's favorite word concerning women is "NEXT!!" if something doesn't suit him. He's been remarkably patient with me and in his patience I can see his investment into the relationship. Just today we had an at length discussion about a knee jerk reaction I had to something. And we got it settled and resolved. We communicate in a direct way. While we have both been known to BS each other along the way, as things progress the BS is falling away more...and we listen, acknowledge, and reaffirm one another and the value of the relationship. We both maintain the ability to walk at any time (and we each respect that ability in the other) and yet we both want to make the effort with one another. We choose to keep going, and we have a ball frankly.

His issues arise out of abandonment and narcissism. He has a hole in his psyche that he hasn't managed to patch up and that void needs attention constantly. I can't fix him. That isn't my role as much as he has used women and sex and drink and cards and all manner of self indulgent impulse driven things to try and fill that void. And I can't act as his therapist either. He has a therapist for that...although I will matter-of-fact point things out to him and assert my standards for his behavior (through Silence & Distance aka withdrawal of attention) if necessary. I've walked out on him before. Flat out walked out. But it was the appropriate response to his behavior and it made an impression on him. He's never experienced intimacy before so he has zero concept of what that looks like and he has never (by his account) had a woman willing to stand up to his behavior and exert a standard. He tells me constantly that he needs someone to hold him to account. As you might imagine that is a conflict ridden place because I assure you that in the moment he does not want to acknowledge a standard. But I am not conflict averse and I exert the standard...and then we discuss it afterwards to understand why/how something happened, why it was a big deal, and how we can improve and go forward together. Not easy. And he holds me to account when necessary as well. Somehow we both respect each other enough to listen, really listen, and seek to understand.

Some of my stuff he chalks up to being a chick. That's fair. And some of his stuff I chalk up to him being a well practiced ass hole...but I gotta say he continues to surprise me in a good way. These conversations don't occur when you carry IDGAF or NC to an extreme. IDGAF in particular and Amused Mastery are ways of holding on to ones self while progressing in a relationship. It is at times a tightrope and not an easy one to walk...but the reward, in my opinion is worth the risk.

@fastlife is utterly correct. Life happens in the moment. We have to have the presence of mind to let go and experience the moment without being encumbered by the past or obsessed about the future. Failure to focus on now robs us of our joy in the moment.

 

[Roober]

These are great conversations that men should be having with other men. Bad behavior has become acceptable due to the desperation of men to get their d1ck wet. The power didn't shift because of feminism; the power shifted because men lost their balls.

 

[Toddz]

How you do you guys handle disrespect, rude behavior, declining interest level, mind/power games when she's trying to dent or breakdown the barriers of your frame?

If it's a LTR, end things and tell them to walk.

No time or energy for any of that. Why would any man want to be involved in a relationship who is being mistreated, disrespected, or experiencing gross behavior?

If i'm dating the woman and experience this. I simply realize they are not LTR material and stop any further investment. I might date them awhile longer fulfilling my sexual needs but that's it.

You would be shocked how many women have hit me up months or years later apologizing and trying to reconcile things.