Nailed LJBF, Now Stalled, Advice

[Sinistar]

First time to the forum, been reading posts and learning fast. I know you DJ's will have fun with this, I'm open to advice.

Met a girl through a common hobby. Both in our early 40's. I'm single and she was on the outs with a rebound guy who lived with her but in a separate part of the house. My IL was about 1%, didn't even care if she had a IL in me, actually just good friends. About a year later after a trip with several friends something clicked. I let her know and said we should start dating. She got defensive, said no way. I stood my ground for a few days and then she had this major health problem and wicked surgery. Didn't want me around so I backed way off, did some more travel. Too late, the oneits set in. During a vaction she emails me, tells me to chase other girls. I did hook up. But I didn't respond to her message. When I get back there's a message asking me to call her. I wussed, called her and started being there for her while she was recovering. A month later she tells me she's kickin the dude out and sure enough he's gone a month later. She starts saying "I just need you to be my friend right now." But this isn't sit right with me. I tell her I firmly believe we'll grow more if we move past friends. She comes back, crying and says "lets taking things slow and give it a chance". I should have bailed here but agreed. The next month was pretty slow and she treated me pretty shi##y several times. About then I met this other girl and just outright tell the first one I'm moving on, going on date the next night. She acts happy, then starts crying. I wait till she finishes, leave and go on that other date. Next day number 1 comes over, makes me dinner and starts flirting! I go to kiss and she pulls back. So I walk her to the door, then she grabs me and starts making out. Next night she comes over, spend 10 minutes on the sofa and 5 hours in bed. She's the quiet wild one type. Things stayed fun for about a month and then she pulled back. Claimed it was messin' with her head. Now we're stuck in this 8th grade makeout stage. Clearly she's got control of me, bad. Obviously I like her. For her age, easily a 8/10, maybe even a 9/10. Wild in the sack. Smart. Works hard, plenty of money, earned it all herself. Was married for 10 yrs and hubby had an affair while she was on road working. She has trust and security issues after that stuff. And now getting over a recent breakup.

I made several mistakes along the way. Somehow managed to nail a LJBF. Knew it could be done, knew it wouldn't be easy. But now things are stalled. Don't want to be her next rebound guy. Need my control back. Mainly related to who goes where. She likes it when I go to her place but nothing ever happens. At my place she gets flirty, horny and fun. So its 4 visits to her place acting like 8th graders or one visit to my place acting like adults.

IMHO she's LTR material because we were such good friends first. But she needs to give up that control and start trusting and respecting. Some of this could be bad timing (ie post-breakup). But I hate that excuse.

I willing to learn from this one. Open to all advice. Need to get her out of her house more. Need her to start chasin' again and more consistently. Or maybe I just need to bail. Either way I need a few of those great, simple 1-2 line messages that leave her sitting at home in disbelief, doubting bigtime. She's had it too good and too safe for too long.

Shred me boys!!!

 

[( . )( . )]

If I read that right and trust me that was hard to read due to incoherancy and a lack of paragraphs. Theres not alot to really be said here in my opinion.

Her interest level was always border line and she was pretty happy just tooling you around due to your AFCness and her lack of interest, you applied a bandaid to a major problem by bringing in the threat of boning other chicks and moving on to which she took the bait and temporarily acquired a few interest level points, enough to get her to spread em. Yes?

How did it go with the other date? why no more talk about that?.

Anyway , try being more assertive here, cut off contact, make her realise everything from now on will be on your terms, It cant hurt I guess.

Worrying about being her "next rebound guy" is B.S and what do you mean by:

She likes it when I go to her place but nothing ever happens. At my place she gets flirty, horny and fun. So its 4 visits to her place acting like 8th graders or one visit to my place acting like adults.

Are you not sexing her over at her place or what? I dont get it ,your both 40 why are you not telling her you you dont play 8th grade games? Questions questions.

 

[SAYNO]

Originally posted by ( . )( . )


Was married for 10 yrs and hubby had an affair while she was on road working. She has trust and security issues after that stuff. And now getting over a recent breakup.

Hmm.

Maybe thats why she sounds so crazy.

What happened to the other girl?



Sayno'

 

[DJDamage]

Originally posted by Sinistar
Shred me boys!!!

Women who are addicted to games and drama will always be like that. If that is the kind of woman you wish to have, just know this is what you are going to get.

Find someone who is more stable, this one will not bring you the happiness and stablility you are looking for in a relationship. She is a good fvckbuddy at best.

DjDamage

 

[Paradox]

You are her FB. In case you didn't know. She controls you.

 

[joekerr31]

heres the thing... you talk about how you see LTR potential in her, but I don't see what signs give you this LTR impression.

she's immature, has trust issues, isnt' forthright with what she wants, is inconsistent in her behaviors (different at your place than at hers) etc.

what about all that says shes LTR?

you think shes LTR becuase you've been wanting this chic for a long time and now you think you've got her.

Just be honest with yourself man, you want her badly and so when she pisses in your face you're turning to us asking "but guys, it could just be rain right? tell me if im nuts"

hehe.

if you didn't have such a big crush on her there's no way in hell you'd put up with her behavior. not for a single second!

and sure you pulled back at times and tried to regain your self respect, and that made her tried harder, and she got you.

word of advice, when you pull back, then chic responds, then you fall back with her and she goes right back to playing games.... then you know this chic is nothing but trouble.

oh, and i know she's your friend, but if she's an HB9 why the hell would her husband cheat on her? I mean, if shes kind and caring and smoking hot makes no sense. Looks only get you so far and it sounds like her hubby got sick of selfish ways and figured he's find someone else to give him some attention.

the longer you mess around with this one the more its going to hurt. and in the end the friendship will be totally destroyed.

This woman lives life by her rules and doesn't much care for anyone else (or so it sounds). IF that's not the type of woman you want then bail on this.

J

 

[Sinistar]

(Hey, there's paragraphs in this one!)

Okay I think the concensus is all to clear. This one has way too much control.

To answer/clarify things:

Yeah, she only wants to get physical at my place. At her place, she doesn't go much past kissing, holding hands, safe stuff. And then she always has an excuse for me to go there instead. She's playing the card of going her way or I will be spending my time alone. And I caved way to early.

There was a comment about drama and games. Wow, you guys nailed that one. We've had a few tiffs over the months. Each one was a oscar peformance on her part the instant I started backing away. And yes, some game playing. A common one being "...well we would be doing this if you didn't do that..."

Regarding trust. Yeah she basically has none. I think she fears abandonment more than anything and is fighting like crazy for control. I made the mistake thinking being friends first would help her get over that hurdle and relax. Nope.

One of you commented about her being selfish. Wow was I blind. I'm pretty sure part of that selfishness caused the hubby to find his fun elsewhere (as you stated in a earlier reponse).

I always think it is weird how some of the hottest babes who are also successful are also so darn insecure.

The list goes on and on now.

Regarding the other girl. She was nice. I was so aloof with her while chasing #1 that I think it drove #2 crazy to chase me. We hooked up right away but I could tell it wasn't right either. Sort of the other extreme, too clingy, needy and just not my type. So not much contact lately.

So the big question is what to do next?

If the solution requires breaking off friendship I'll survive.

She, on the other hand fears being abandoned more than anything.

I don't want to hurt my friend but I need control of my life back now. We've known each other for some time so I'd prefer to say words rather than simply walking away

So help me with the words. I need something simple & assertive yet vague enough to stop her in her tracks and replace all the control and games with a doubt that leaves her spinning 24x7.

Maybe she'll realize what she's done, respect I was there thru thick and thin, apologize and a friendship can be saved.

Any ideas?

 

[speedo_meme]

i can dig that sinistar, i'm kinda at the same type of level with my "girlfriend". i'm just playing it cool and not calling. Her interest, i don't think, has dived below 50% yet because she calls everyday.....BUT.....she still plays games. Who knows, the only advice I can give you is to not care, and keep not caring when she comes back to you.

It's weird, because I want to break up with this chick, but then I realize there's no need because I don't call her anyway, and then a strange part of me wants to stay with her.

Unless she's already hit you up with one of the ******** "lines" there's always hope if you just let go and quit giving a sh*t. I've done this and I feel great about it everytime i get off the phone with her, even though i may have hurt her feelings. Quit caring about what she thinks, and when in doubt, listen to the tit man...

 

[NewMan]

her place, she doesn't go much past kissing, holding hands, safe stuff. And then she always has an excuse for me to go there instead. She's playing the card of going her way or I will be spending my time alone. And I caved way to early.

Stop caving - the only way to get control back is to stand your ground and not be afraid of the consequences.

Next time she says come over to her place - don't. If you were getting pvssy, then you could go - no pvssy means no play in my book.

A common one being "...well we would be doing this if you didn't do that..."

Classic b#tch case. Will blame anything/anyone except taking responsibility for herself. I had one of these - this is a losing case - unless you want a lifetime of misery and arguments and drama. There's really nothing you can do about this except get the F out. I should have the minute this happened to me. that's passive agreesive stuff right there.

So the big question is what to do next?

Here's the deal I think. You want the pvssy I assume - so you go about your business - and invite her over to hang when you want her to. She will make an excuse and tell you to go over there - you decline. Got better stuff to do, Later baby.

Go on with life.

That right there is going to set the bomb off.

From here on in you've got to lay it down and not be to scared of the results.

You tell her what you want - what is acceptable and what is not. You be a man. Let the cards fall where they may - but don't take a step back and settle. That will be the death of you.

 

[Lost In Translation]

some tough love

ok lets look at what you did RIGHT

Sinistar
About then I met this other girl and just outright tell the first one I'm moving on, going on date the next night

COMPETITION

Sinistar
She acts happy, then starts crying. I wait till she finishes, leave and go on that other date.

the play :

she tried to control you with tears

like a real man a Captain Butler : " frankly my dear i don't give a damn "

then you walked out the door just like he did

Scarlett then vowed to win her man back and lets look at the next scene

Sinistar
Next day number 1 comes over, makes me dinner and starts flirting

dinner...LOL she is good

but she does a $hit test to see if she can have your balls back in her pocket for free

Sinistar
I go to kiss and she pulls back

classic test to see if she can control you

Sinistar
So I walk her to the door

ok here is where you need to focus

YOU ACTED LIKE A F*CKING MAN

FINALLY

she tried to control the show

you said NO b*tch you can't play me

EITHER GET WITH THE PROGRAM ( your program ie. sex )

OR GET OUT YOU CAN BE REPLACED

thats pimp style right there and thats the way i operate myself

lets look at her reaction

Sinistar
So I walk her to the door, then she grabs me and starts making out.

hahaha bow down ladies you in the presence of a pimp

SHE STOPPED PLAYING GAMES

so how do you get her to stop playing games again ?

just do what you did to get her to stop the first time

ACT LIKE A MAN WITH A F*CKING LIFE AND SOME BACKBONE

Sinistar
Next night she comes over, spend 10 minutes on the sofa and 5 hours in bed.

you got her all twisted up in the game

she is still feeling you from the night before

she ASSUMES you are still in PIMP MODE

so she GIVES UP THE PU$$Y AND DOES AS YOU PLEASE

Sinistar
Things stayed fun for about a month and then she pulled back. Claimed it was messin' with her head.

ok women are like cars

sometime we trade them in for a newer model with less kms/miles

but the $hit test is like a regular sceduled service

you did 1000 miles / kms on her pu$$y

time for a oil change -

TIME FOR A $HIT TEST

so she plays it out :

now she is having wild sex with you for 30 days

now she wants to claim ALL OF A SUDDEN

" it was messin' with her head. "

just like that NOW SHE IS USING HER BRAIN lol

right suuuuuuure we gunna believe that one

so what is she really saying ?

******** / GIBBERISH

i lean towards gibberish beause she is just testing you to see if you are still the pimp she thinks you are

and your response ?

did you walk her to the door ? did you tell her to get with the program ? did you lay it down pimp style ?

YOU LET HER TAKE CONTROL

now here is a quote for you

" stop being insecure " i hate that saying. it's a cop out for not having enough balls to confront a woman about what she is doing THAT IS WRONG or potentially damaging to a long term relationship. – Lost In Translation

Sinistar
Clearly she's got control of me, bad.

yeah but you are letting her

you reversed it once she is looking for that YOU not the current pu$$y you

where are you hiding your twin brother the real Sinistar ?

if he shows himself soon all shall be well

Sinistar
Obviously I like her. For her age, easily a 8/10, maybe even a 9/10. Wild in the sack. Smart. Works hard, plenty of money, earned it all herself. Was married for 10 yrs and hubby had an affair while she was on road working. She has trust and security issues after that stuff. And now getting over a recent breakup.

dude i am trying to choke back vomit

just reading the BULL$HIT makes wanna puke

ok you like her thats cool

i am referring to her background piece

incase you are a not so smart IRAQI you are listening to her

PROPAGANDA RADIO STATION

and as the dj on her station says " all excuses all day "

so what was important

Sinistar
She has trust and security issues after that stuff.

dude you been having sex with her for a month

you have been inside her body and penetrated her soul

she has NO trust issues with you

YOU BEEN THERE DONE THAT

she has known you for ages and you nursed her back to health after sugery

SHE KNOWS SHE CAN TRUST YOU

incase you are slow SHE IS USING THAT AS A BACKGROUND EXCUSE TO PLAY YOU*

*only if you let her

Sinistar
And now getting over a recent breakup

*sarcasm :

oh $hit then maybe she shouldn't have sex and stuff for awhile until her poor little broken heart heals ?

OPPS TOO LATE

another load of crap LOL

switch that damn propaganda radio staion off

" lies G.I you will die " lol

Sinistar
But now things are stalled. Don't want to be her next rebound guy. Need my control back. Mainly related to who goes where. She likes it when I go to her place but nothing ever happens. At my place she gets flirty, horny and fun. So its 4 visits to her place acting like 8th graders or one visit to my place acting like adults.

yeah well once you get your act together i am sure she will get back to being how she was for that month

Sinistar
But she needs to give up that control and start trusting and respecting. Some of this could be bad timing (ie post-breakup). But I hate that excuse.

*sigh*

give up her control ?

she is a woman LOL

ACT LIKE A MAN AND TAKE CONROL OF THE RELATIONSHIP

oh and get the OTHER WOMAN back in the picture

to create competition and get YOUR head right ( oneitis )


Lost In Translation

**AUSTRALIAN STREET PIMP**

Quote: PuertoRican_Lover
“ the 'pimp' mentality works today because you are living in a time such that there are an overabundance if hors - this is the Pimps playground!! Pimps and hors go together like bread and butter - they are complementary natures!!! Pimps need hors like hors need pimps!! “

Quote: squirrels
“ You NEVER pay as a supplicative or bargaining measure, though. The reward that she gets for her affection is YOUR affection. The reward she gets for her sex is YOUR sex. The second you start buying her stuff to keep her around, keep her entertained in your presence, etc...you're compensating for not having what it takes to seduce the woman, and that's totally unacceptable. “

Quote: Player_Supreme
“ Your woman in my opinion shouldn't be talking to an ex. It's ok to have men friends but friends whom she used to suck their dycks is not in my picture. “

The DJ Code :

1. his pleasure comes first
2. he will quickly dump a woman who gives him trouble
3. doesn’t suck up to women or put them on pedestals
4. doesn’t let women or people disrespect him.
5. Gets pissed off and isn’t afraid to show it
6. Aren’t afraid to hurt women emotionally.
7. Doesn’t care what others think about him and isn’t looking for approval.

 

[Sinistar]

Okay, now I'm starting to hear you guys crystal clear.

Maximus_Decimus really nailed this one. Of the entire list of HSE/LSE, I can easily tag her for LSE on all but perhaps 1 or 2. This one needs therapy, bigtime!!

Lost In Translation really broke down where I took a couple right steps and a crapload of wrong ones. I'm still willing to learn, even at this age!!

So I finally took action. We met in person (no phone or email). I kept very calm (no emotional stuff). And I'm sure I screwed this up 10 different ways, but here goes:

First I told her this has become way to confusing.

She responded by repeating how moving too fast had messed with her head. As she talked, I started gettin the sense that me knowing her (beyond friends) is an entitlement right now. Ouch!

Some small talk, I'm sure we're both thinking, skirting the real issue.

And then I tell her we can't be friends anymore and I need to say Goodbye.
(I should have walked out right there).

She comes right back with her take on how people can stay friends when things don't work out, how she is friends with the past dudes, blah, blah, blah.

She really tipped her hand here. If she would have responded with "I need a friend now, someone I can trust, I'm sorry, ..." I might have thought her friend spiel was genuine.

But without any remorse, she's just trying to find a way to win this one even at the end. I know deep, deep down she's more worried about what our common friends will think of her having another failure in her life.

Down in my gut I'm feeling a true friend never would have treated me like this anyway.

Then she finally sensed I was serious so she started talking about how we're incompatible but she threw in some scraps of hope that people can understand and deal with these rather than walk away.

More control.

But it's too late. I need my control back. I'm 100x better than she deserves.

So I told her I would figure out the friendship thing and get back to her.

She went to give me a hug but I gently pushed her away. I said good bye, turned around, never looked back and walked away.

I took some time and called her with my answer for our future. I said I won't be contacting her anymore. I told her if she ever finds herself needing a true friend she knows where to find me. Finally, I told her to think about me and ask herself if I really mattered in her life.

She thanked me (weird) and said we'll talk soon. I didn't say anything and just hung up.

Its going to be tough getting over this one. Her loss.

Once again, I agree with Maximus_Decimus, in a short time the challenge will be over for her. She'll stash this away in her super secret failure file and move on.

To Lost In Translation, I'm working on finding that twin brother back. He had control, knew where he stood.

Thanks guys

 

[NewMan]

I told her if she ever finds herself needing a true friend she knows where to find me. Finally, I told her to think about me and ask herself if I really mattered in her life.

why are you leaving the door open? is it because you want her to call you back? is it because you have hope that she will call back crying telling you she was wrong?

don't hold on to false hope - she isn't ever going to change.

 

[DJDamage]

Originally posted by Sinistar
, I'm working on finding that twin brother back. He had control, knew where he stood.

You found him here

Originally posted by Sinistar She went to give me a hug but I gently pushed her away. I said good bye, turned around, never looked back and walked away..

But you lost him there

Originally posted by Sinistar I took some time and called her with my answer for our future. I said I won't be contacting her anymore. I told her if she ever finds herself needing a true friend she knows where to find me. Finally, I told her to think about me and ask herself if I really mattered in her life.

Listen to Newman. When you say goodbye mean it!

 

[Sinistar]

In her mind she won. But she lost a friend along the way playing her games. She needs help. If she stews on my final request, thats fine by me. There was no other purpose.

Agreed, she will never change.

She won't call or come back crying either.

We were friends first. Hence my token offer.

Doesn't matter, she'll use her next life crisis or drama to reel in the next guy because she knows I'm onto her now.

I do agree now, I should have just stopped at goodbye.

Boy did I learn a few lessons nailing a LJBF!!! Not exactly going for another one of those anytime soon ;-))