My X is trying to play god

[frivolousz21]

I havent seen my son in 35 days now.

my X wont let me or my family see him..and im struggling..not with pain..but with hate and anger..Im spending half of my days in fight or flight mode..I have to eat 4000 calories a day to maintain energy because my heart rate is elevated.

backstory: we split 35 days ago..she left took my son...filed a temp protection order against me..went to court 14 days later....the judge laughed them out of the room...we had another date for it 14 days later....the day before they asked for a new date..saying they cant make it..the judge(a women in her 40s) is mad...throws the order out.

my lawyer wants a week to negotiate with them..finally get in contact with her lawyer tuesday...he said his client.. my X...doenst think im a good father because im too agressive, Im alcoholic(not true, she has no idea what an an alocoholic is), i pawned my kid off to my grandmas all the time and didn't take care of him,(lie...i was there all the time...never left once and went out with my friends...it was just a lot easier as a 24 yr old father to have my grandma help me with the child, no man here would disagree with that, no sensible person would), she said I didnt take enough interest in my son(yea that right, I drove him 30 min everyday each way to the babysitter, I never neglected him..complaing that it is hard to be a 24 yr old father everyday is not the same thing).

are you kidding me? that why she thinks she is gonna keep my son from me? my Lawyer was astonished..he didnt believe everything I told him at first...now he does and says this is a cake walk...however the court system is slow..and I wont see my son until Jan or Feb.

I had to vent this here....I wake up everday and think this must be some bad dream...I hope none of you have to deal with this crap...my entire family is in for christmas and the deeply religious christians of my X fiances family cannot find it in there heart to let my family and I see my son for the holidays.

end of rant.

 

[squirrels]

Next time... http://www.freecondoms.com/

Sorry about your situation, man. The woman always gets extra leverage with the kids even when she is a sorry sack of sh**. I hope you manage to work it out.

 

[JeeperCane]

I'm sorry too man. Best wishes on everything working out.

 

[joekerr31]

this is life, get use to it. unfair things happen all the time.

when they do you have two choices. you can react like a woman - ie. get all emotional and spend all your time worrying about why things are happening the way they are and throw tantrums and lose sleep and fall into a depression etc.

or

you can react like a mature man. which means you keep your head about you, you don't worry about the things you can't control, and you devise a strategy for dealing with the problem and then calmly execute on that strategy. you accept that it may take time and effort to resolve the situation and resign yourself to that fact.

you know the saying 'cooler heads prevail' - its true. those who keep their wits about them and don't panic and get all distraught are the ones who are able to make the best of a bad situation in life.

ive said this before, your biggest problem is that you have very poor control over your emotions. you get over excited when things are going well and you get over depressed when they aren't.

you need to learn how to be calm, cool, stable, methodical, consistent and tenacious in the face of adversity.

and if you are a devout christian you need to slap yourself in the face, because you currently are showing very little faith in your God.

this will all turn out fine, you'll gain visitation rights to your kid. so all you have to do is stop worrying about it, accept the situation is what it is for the time being, and let things resolve themselves in due time.

 

[dietzcoi]

Sorry to have to say it, but it seems like the same sad story played out once again.

GOod luck and keep your wits about you, as Joekerr stated.

You others reading this: Learn, learn, learn from this - having a kid with a woman "just for the hell of it" usuallly turns into disaster.

Dietzcoi

 

[Mr. Me]

Ditto joekerr, and to which I would add: understand that this is the game that's played at divorce time. She will allege the most outrageous things BECAUSE they're trying to trip you up. Get you angry. They're trying to get you to react. They want you to do something stupid. They want you to get so emotional and frustrated, that you're going to be willing to sign off on everything and give her more than she hoped for.

Part of that game is the accusations. Part of that game is dragging you into court. Part of that game is making delays. Part of that game is asking for more than they want, asking for things they don't care about, which they'll then "compromise" on in the negotiations IF you give her this or that, which is how they're going to make you feel it was an equal deal, when it wasn't.

Her attorney knows that she's driven by her emotions, so her attorney is telling her what a skunk you are, and how she's entitled to so much, and how they're going to get you.

You are way ahead once you understand this is a game. You can pull back, not get trapped in it and say "oh! THAT'S why she's doing that! I see." and you can play the game back just as hard.

The attorneys know the game, but their game is a little different. Their game is to keep your and her game going as long as possible, i.e., until they've billed an amount near the value of your assets. They don't care about delays, motions, taking a week to speak to the other attorney or billing you when you're only being social and commenting on the weather or taking money that would've otherwise gone to your children's education or your retirement. It sucks, but remember, one day it will be over. And it's usually over when the woman realizes just how much she's spent on attorney fees.

P.S. If you want to see your child, file an action in Family Court now, otherwise they're going to bring up how it wasn't important enough to you to do something about.

 

[Bible_Belt]

The court will always believe her initially because she's a woman, as it did with the order of protection. It sucks, but that's the system these days.

Does the X have any dirty laundry? Would she fail a drug test? Fight fire with fire if you know anything bad about her.

If you have nothing illegal on her, what do you have on her that would devastate her for other people to find out? There's no such thing as a fair fight. If I had any little bit of dirt on her, I would be threatening to tell the world unless she starts giving you what you want.

 

[frivolousz21]

The court will always believe her initially because she's a woman, as it did with the order of protection. It sucks, but that's the system these days.

Does the X have any dirty laundry? Would she fail a drug test? Fight fire with fire if you know anything bad about her.

If you have nothing illegal on her, what do you have on her that would devastate her for other people to find out? There's no such thing as a fair fight. If I had any little bit of dirt on her, I would be threatening to tell the world unless she starts giving you what you want.

that is not an issue..the court will give me what I want.

they threw her order of protection out..since it was bogus...the issue is the fact that the courts take forever for this stuff..and with the holidays... things are pushed back to january..when I get to court they will split custody and give her the majority of the time and I get standard visitation. every other weekend and once a week.

our last judge told her to negotiate and let me see my son becuase she has nothing on me.

the messed up part is that we werent married right now..neither of us has custody...and she keeps the baby since possesion is 9/10ths of the law.

 

[frivolousz21]

you guys are right...I was doing great for a month..the last few days ive let myself get worked up over this.


I am filing a temp order to see him.

im not religious either..so I dont have that type of faith.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It pisses me off that there seems to be no punishment to her for lying regarding the order of protection? Signing false documents is perjury, people go to jail for that, and there are also sanctions available against the attorney for signing a filing that has no merit or has false allegations that amount to perjury, attorneys get their licenses suspended for that. But in family court, it's like, "oh well, you lied, shame on you. Next case!"

 

[Desdinova]

Friv, I'm so fvcking sorry you're going through this 5hit.

Try to keep yourself busy while the wheels of justice turn at their slow-ass pace. You've got a point in your favor with her order being thrown out of court. Avoid fvcking things up by doing anything rash.

It fvcking sucks because you're going to miss a small chunk of your boy's development, but try to be patient. Take joy in the fact that that things are going in your favor and not in hers.

 

[jophil28]

This a PERFECT illustation of the folly of assumimg that women automatically make good mothers and will act well in times of adversity..." sugar and spice and all things nice".
Here is a classic warning to young men everywhere. NO NOT have a child with any woman unless and until she has passed numerous tests to PROVE her character.
Women are experts at being nice and sweet when things are going their way.
Then when the shyte hits the flamethrower they turn into hateful,destructive trainwrecks ... western women ,in particular, seem to have NO ethics or morals in a break-up.

To the poster - understand that playing 'victim' is a woman default position.
THerefore you will be attacked and accused of all manner of atrocious behavior.
MY advice. Do not react. IF you do ,you will give her MORE ammo to fire back at you. Rise above this (that is toiugh) and stay proud and respectful to YOURSELF- let her and her attorney wallow in the mud. Don't get down and join them.

POst here is you need to vent some more /

 

[Phyzzle]

Friv, if it makes you feel better, none of this is really your ex's idea.

Right now, her lawyer is hammering away at her, "if you don't accuse Friv of battery, neglect, emotional coldness, and double parking HE WILL TAKE YOUR BABY AWAY FROM YOU FOREVER!! Or at best, YOU'LL BE LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS WITHOUT ANY SUPPORT FROM HIM!!"

This is what lawyers do. Seriously, there are stories of divorce lawyers basically laughing a woman out of their offices when she refuses to make the false allegations they require.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Right now, her lawyer is hammering away at her, "if you don't accuse Friv of battery, neglect, emotional coldness, and double parking HE WILL TAKE YOUR BABY AWAY FROM YOU FOREVER!! Or at best, YOU'LL BE LIVING OFF YOUR PARENTS WITHOUT ANY SUPPORT FROM HIM!!"

This is what lawyers do.


I tried to tell that to my professors at law school, and they always said, "oh, no, an attorney would never do that. It would breach the code of professional conduct."

 

[penkitten]

i have heard an attorney say (with my own two ears)...
"do not take it personal. she will ask for the moon, we will ask for the moon. once we get into that courtroom, we will all settle on the stars."

the attorney went on to tell the guy she was talking to, "always be early to drop the child off. be 15 minutes early every single time. do not be late. once you start being late, it will be frowned upon and it will look like you are trying to keep her from your child deliberately. i don't care if your car breaks down. be prepared to drop your child off 15 minutes early every single time. "

however, my brother in law, has been known to circle his ex's street for 15 minutes because he would not drop his daughter off one minute sooner. when brought up in court, he replied, "the time i have with my daughter is precious and i feel as if it is limited enough, therefore, i keep her every second that i am allowed to have her to spend those seconds with her".

he has now had full custody for almost two years, her mother must see her one hour a week at a cabinet for families and children center supervised.

 

[Bible_Belt]

It's amazing the difference between public perception and the actual rules:

http://www.law.cornell.edu/ethics/ny/code/NY_CODE.HTM

obviously, the lawyer may not do anything furthering the creation or preservation of false evidence.

The law and Disciplinary Rules prohibit the use of fraudulent, false, or perjured testimony or evidence. A lawyer who knowingly participates in introduction of such testimony or evidence is subject to discipline.

Witnesses should always testify truthfully

A. In the representation of a client, a lawyer shall not:

1. File a suit, assert a position, conduct a defense, delay a trial, or take other action on behalf of the client when the lawyer knows or when it is obvious that such action would serve merely to harass or maliciously injure another.

2. Knowingly advance a claim or defense that is unwarranted under existing law, except that the lawyer may advance such claim or defense if it can be supported by good faith argument for an extension, modification, or reversal of existing law.

3. Conceal or knowingly fail to disclose that which the lawyer is required by law to reveal.

4. Knowingly use perjured testimony or false evidence.

5. Knowingly make a false statement of law or fact.

6. Participate in the creation or preservation of evidence when the lawyer knows or it is obvious that the evidence is false.

7. Counsel or assist the client in conduct that the lawyer knows to be illegal or fraudulent.


Those are New York's rules, but every state is about the same. They say over and over 'thou shalt not tell a lie.'

btw, on the subject of fun lawyer rules, as an aspiring applicant to my state's bar association, I am prohibited from making any public statement that "denigrates the legal profession." There is no exception for truthful statements. No freedom of speech whatsoever exists for an attorney or law student if they want to say anything negative about the legal community.

 

[mrRuckus]

What's funny about this is how we think to ourselves "okay we gotta stay in control.. be the bigger person... be an upstanding citizen and take the high road... and respect ourselves..." while women will fight a street fight and feel no obligation to play by any code of rules whatsoever.

Why do men limit their options by subscribing to rules of conduct? Principles are just made up standards anyway.

 

[MacAvoy]

Two known facts

1. You have a strong case and will eventually get access to your son.

2. The court systems are slow and take months.

So knowing these two facts, why are you wasting your energy worked up when you know you will eventually get what you want but can't do nothing about it in the interim?

Your son is going to have a long life, he's not going to remember you not being around for a couple of months. It will only serve to bring you together.

 

[d9930380]

sorry to hear about this buddie however we really need to hear why u split in the first place. This sounds very sudden and if its her idea she obviously has allot of anger to you, did u get caught cheating or something.

If not and it is the lawyers then you should put aside your anger etc and play it smart and that means removing the lawyers. Try to explain to her in a calm way what they're doing and say it's in both her and the child's interest to work this out in a fair way. Even if that means giving her a little more because you don't want to go to court at almost all costs - that's an expensive gamble.

If she doesnt listen then she'll be out to **** you and that means you need to go to war and attack is better than defence.