My wedding is two months away and I'm still not sure she is the right one!

[Slickster]

Wow man!

I'm not even going to really say much here. I haven't read many of the other posts but I'm sure its all been said.

All I have to do is look at the names of the people who responded and I know exactly what they've said to you. Its all good advice.

One thing I might add is in regards to you checking out other women.

I've been with some hot women in my life and one thing I know is that I will always continue to check out other chicks. Even if you are with a super model you'll see a chick who is half as attractive and you will STILL lust for her. Simply because you haven't had her yet.

Get that crap out of your mind and then make your decision.

 

[thissucks003]

I tried to skim read most of the replies and if this has already been answered, forgive me.

This is what I would do. I would see a marriage conselour. Why a marriage conselour? Because for the very reason, you are having doubts about being in a relationship with your future spouse. You are not the first to have doubts about staying in a relationship and I would rather be preventative than to wait till after the fact. I would suggest you both go see one and lay every doubt you both have on the table. People wonder why most marriages fail. It is because they failed to plan. Your having questions and doubts, go get answers. I'd rather spend the money on getting help then losing half of my stuff. Think about it!

TS

 

[CobraGT]

I am very impressed by how well some of you have figured me out. I'm being sincere as possible to get feed back tailored exactly to my problem. Sometime it's hard to find an advice column that truly reflects your problem.

JohnJones, it might be a lamenting of the passage of youth, but I don't know how to keep it from being the growing splinter entropy mentioned. LeParisien is correct I'm not looking for an upgrade. I just wish to loose this overpowering urge to scan the horizon for attractive women. Aside from that the relationship is pretty easy going. I'm trying to identify with the grass is greener on the other side saying in this case. Part of it is I don't want to let go of something that is right. So that leads me to the grass is greener on the other side of the fence saying. I'm really uncertain if the other women could match or best my fiance in the personality department. Ofcourse that's the problem again...I just don't know. In my position the most I can know about the women I see is simply surface deep.

JohnJones, I'm not sure how I'm suppose to talk to her about this without their being world war III. Maybe I should just tell her I need to date some women on the side....for um....character studies. That should work out well. I've been setting the ground work. Lately we've been having discussions about how my time is spent. She's like a sponge sometime when it comes to together time--she can't get enough. Quite accidentally I've gave her so much of my time in the past that she is spoiled so much that the few things I've done lately have set her off. She mentioned that if a certain senario (out doing my own thing 4 nights a week) occurred she would have to go elsewhere to have her needs met. So with each argument we I work toward starting WWIII. But it's REALLY hard to stop polishing everything over and saying we will be okay.

I'm really curious about everyone's take on checking out women while in an LTR. I don't make it obvious when I do it, but we've had long discussions about my tendency to look and study. So she just chooses to block out discussions when were out on the town.

Once again I really appreciate each of you for taking the to time to read this post and respond. I feel like I'm the classic whining AFC for even posting and rehashing the details of my decision. However, it's the biggest event in my life thus far and hopefully my emontional sounding babble will ensure accurate details for your opinions. I've considered the question of 'is she right for me' since we met a couple of years ago and here I am still indecisive as a mo fo! Should have seriously thought about this question sooner...and got back on here!

See you all....on my way to pick out the tuxes and take a marriage compatibility test at church. So long......

CobraGT

 

[Ricky]

I have alot of thoughts on this. I will post them later. I am in a very similar situation.

 

[dietzcoi]

You are done, you have no hope of escaping this.

I feel for you...

"Dead Man Walking!!"

Dietzcoi

 

[NewMan]

Part of it is I don't want to let go of something that is right

How do you know it's right when you've got nothing to compare it to?

She mentioned that if a certain senario (out doing my own thing 4 nights a week) occurred she would have to go elsewhere to have her needs met

And she'd be right to do so as well....

I'm really curious about everyone's take on checking out women while in an LTR

It's natural. Very Natural. You are a man and you enjoy visual beauty of women. Your woman should understand this (as long as your not looking with your tongue hanging out) - My ex was very understanding - she would even point out the girls for me - but that's perhaps because she was extremely hot.

I've considered the question of 'is she right for me' since we met a couple of years ago and here I am still indecisive as a mo fo!

But you should not be. You should KNOW that this is the woman for you. I can't believe that you will go through with this marrage when you feel like this.

Dude - you owe it to yourself and her to be fully behind this decision. I say it again - would you want the woman YOU are getting married to to feel the same way that you are now feeling?

Yes is the wrong answer.

It doesn't matter if you never find a woman with her personality etc. etc. etc. (but I doubt that - you probably will meet someone just as good if not better) - the fact is that you make the right decision NOW.

 

[NewMan]

Oh, and if it makes you feel any better - I did the same thing. I had an awesome woman - personality and looks. But it didn't feel right to get married. I always wondered about other women - other relationships - grass is greener syndrome.

So I didn't get married - and she got rid of me (we didn't have a ring or a date like you - I just refused to get engaged).

1 yr. later - I've still yet to find a woman that can match her - in personality or looks. I've been with around 13 chicks in that time - most of them (except 2) couldn't keep my interest for more than a couple of dates.

Do I regret it?

No.

Do I think back about her - yes.

She is my personal measuring standard (for right or wrong).

But no matter what - it was the right thing to do. I believe that every day - because if I had not done it - I would have always wondered - I doubt if I could have made her happy - and I doubt that she could have made me happy.

Now, I feel like I am able to see what a woman can truly offer me. That should I meet a woman that meets my criteria, that I'll see it straight away and be able to settle down with her - Knowing what's out there - knowing that I at least know what kind of grass is on the other side of the fence.

You've got to jump the fence and check out the grass - even if you find weeds.

 

[entropy]

You are a man and you enjoy visual beauty of women. Your woman should understand this (as long as your not looking with your tongue hanging out)

I totally agree with you. Each sex appreciates the aesthetics of the opposite (even the same sometimes).

I think it's perfectly okay for both, as long as you aren't ogling (which is a blatant form of disrespect).

It's easy to be discreet, women are good at this.

 

[CobraGT]

Originally posted by entropy

I totally agree with you. Each sex appreciates the aesthetics of the opposite (even the same sometimes).

She said she understands because she looks too, but I don't get the feeling she looks with the same intensity I do. I'm discrete, but I almost feel eager enough to point out the hot girls to her. Talk about making her self concious!

She claims she's always aware of the women around here. She claims if she see's a real pretty girl, she starts looking for some flaw to put her at ease. I suppose this ranges from the way the girl dresses to her personality. I get the impression she couldn't be friends with a girl who was knockout gorgeous and had a flawless personality. It would make her very insecure.

CobraGT

 

[NewMan]

It would make her very insecure

I've got news for you Cobra - she's already insecure. And it's not likely to get better - only worse.

You get hitched and the strings will get tighter not looser.

I've heard stories that women will change tv channels if there's a hot girl on the TV and her man is watching - I sh#t you not.

I'm not saying that's your girl - but the only things you point out (and keep reiterating) is the fact that she dislikes you checking out other chicks.

I would say by the sound of it your making it obvious. Perhaps you were not as sneaky in the earlier part of your relationship - and it's something she picked up on and see's very often now.

Who knows - but all I can say is that it's likely to get worse. And your likely to wonder about other women more and more as you get older (and your relationship with your women get's less sexual).

 

[Ricky]

Originally posted by NewMan
I've heard stories that women will change tv channels if there's a hot girl on the TV and her man is watching - I sh#t you not.

My girlfriend is like this. She and her girlfriends make comments about guys they see out on the town about how attractive they think they are. If I make one comment about a girl I see on E Entertainment or another TV program, she gets pissed.

 

[WestCoaster]

I have a friend like this!

This gal I've known for 15 years used to give me crap all the time about checking out women (I'm a little more subtle now) and finally I said, "You have a license to drool, too." She was checking out guys as much as I was and I pointed this out and that it didn't bug me.

She's finally over it and understands I'm gonna make comments on women when we hang out and she can make comments on men. She was drooling over the lone young guy in The Temptations at the concert a couple weeks ago. I was just laughing along ... and I was checking out what few good looking women were at this concert (it was in hippieville Eugene, Oregon, land of bad women).

I'm amazed women get so uptight at this, then do the same things in checking out guys.

 

[CobraGT]

Originally posted by NewMan
Ending it is hard. You will go through every kind of emotion.

I regret more the ones she will go through.

CobraGT

 

[NewMan]

I regret more the ones she will go through.

What has to be done needs to be done.

I wonder if she would regret it the same way?

 

[Bungo Pony]

All I had to do was browse at the answers. I knew what the overall opinion would be.

This is what's working against you:

She’s my first girl friend.

You have a lack of experience with women. You've only been in THIS relationship. You have no fxxxing clue what you like and what you don't like. In fact, here's what your list consists of:

What I like in a woman
My fiance

What I don't like in a woman
fat & ugly; not my fiance

This is a very generalized list. You haven't experienced dating women with different levels of self-confidence, different experience in bed, different outlooks on life, different morals, different hobbies, different families...... do I need to continue?

I almost made the mistake of marrying the first girl I was deeply in love with. She left me because I turned AFC. It was the best thing she ever did for me.

I'm now married. I was able to choose my wife. She had the qualities I wanted, and she didn't have the qualities I hated. I don't regret the step I've taken. Dinner's on the stove when I get home from work

We all get cold feet before the wedding. If you notice your legs getting cold too, get the hell out of the river.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Your girl's comment about 'getting her 'needs' met from someone else" if you are not around for her most of the week is the prime example of the vengefulness and bad attitude that the modern day woman.possesses and why men should not marry such women who have this mindset!!!

 

[CLOONEY]

lol, this is the way I will be if I ever get married.

As for checking out other woman. You say you check them out like a "single guy would". lol. There is no difference, all guys LOVE to check out woman, you will do it even when your an old man. This is definately not a problem whatsoever.

She is your first girlfriend. Who cares. I know guys who have been with multiple woman, married one and are unhappy. I know guys who have married their first girlfriend and are really happy.

I think in the end, it is almost like a lottery. Not only the woman you choose, but the external events and influences that occur in your life and hers will mould your relationship with her and your future.

You might let her go, realise she was great and that you want her back. Or you might not. This is just one giant lottery IMHO. The same as everything in life. Just do whatever your heart tells you (sorry to sound soft, lol) and have fun with it.

Let us know how it goes mate.

Sorry not much advice there, haha, thats all that came to my mind (fingers).

 

[NewMan]

think in the end, it is almost like a lottery

Sorry I disagree.

He has control of this situation and the kind of woman he get's hitched with.

It's better to be single than married, unhappy, with kids, looking at other hot chickies and wondering what if....


At least if he's single he can be happy and do his own thing - bang girls he meets - get some new ***** on a regular basis.

Read his posts - he's already not happy - and if he stays he will only get unhappier.

 

[CobraGT]

Regrets

Originally posted by NewMan
What has to be done needs to be done.

I wonder if she would regret it the same way?

Hard to say NewMan. She might not if the roles were reversed, I'd say she'd be gone pretty quickly. She also would never have gotten herself this deep if she wasn't sure. However, I'm above the selfish mindset. I know if the roles were reversed and I was the one getting dumped when I thought I found true love--well I'd be pissed!

CobraGT

 

[Le Parisien]

CobraGT:

Sure you are not a selfish guy, otherwise you probably won't be here asking questions and sharing your story.
But think about this: if you marry her, do you think that she will truely be happy, IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY?

Marriage is not a "one shot" thing like giving donations for some good cause, once it's done no need to think about it or worry about it or take care of anything afterwards.

Again, only your heart knows best, follow your instinct, after good reflexions of course.