My story: self-fulfilling prophecy of negativity

[If_You_Build_It]

Hi everyone.

Last fall I started off college at the University of Rhode Island. I hoped going to college was going to accelerate my life with girls purely because I was there. It didn't, and I'm still a little disappointed. But I really didn't put much real effort into meeting and befriending girls, or meeting and going into relationships with girls. I didn't really think about it much, I guess I figured I had thought about stuff like this before and it never really helped.

I am 19 years old and the only time I've ever kissed a girl was in a school play. I've never had a girlfriend. I ask myself everyday why this is, or I just repress it, but I am quite ashamed of it.

I like to think about things, so I caught onto this problem a couple years ago and tried to learn all the ideas I found online about how to attract girls, and none of it ever seemed to help me. All it did was make me feel more hopeful while I was reading it, made me feel even more pressure to find a girl, made me act weird in a in a half-assed way towards certain girls I thought I could have maybe attracted, or really didn't change anything at all.

At this point, I am almost certain that the reason none of it worked is that my problem comes from low self-esteem. Things just have never really worked out for me as far as girls go.

I have a lot of things going for me. I am one of the smartest people I know (and humble too), I get A's in school and really have never had all that much trouble understanding anything in school. I'm tall, relatively thin, and have always had an acne problem. I'm fair-skinned and have strawberry blonde hair. I cut my hair real short and i don't think it looks bad. I got braces in junior high so my teeth are straight but stopped wearing my retainer a long time ago so who knows how long that will last. I've tried everything for my pimples including 2 courses of acutane, and at this point they're not all that bad. I dress pretty well. I'm decently athletic, I started lifting weights a couple months ago, have seen some results and play basketball. I dress decently well, I see what's in style and get it if I can afford it. I'm a pretty savy shopper.

But, I feel like I must be ugly, because girls rarely show an interest in me. I think my personality isn't unusual. I'm not all that shy, in class I'll speak up whenever I feel like it, I have a lot of guy friends that I frequently talk to, say hi to, go to parties with, hang out with. I think I treat girls exactly like I treat guys, but probably just talk to them less than guys. I don't have as much in common with them, and I won't be apt to speak to a girl I find ugly. I might if I'm in a good mood, but I don't usually make an effort to for some reason (whatever, I guess I'm an *******). I'll talk to girls casually if I can break into a conversation one of my friends started or if I've seen the girls several times, or if I've talked to her in the past. But I never feel like the girls really like me or take a special interest in me, so I never feel confident asking for a number or a date. Ocassionally I'll ask for a number, but then I psyche myself out once I have it and can't get myself to follow it through to completion, because i feel like it's almost guarranteed to fall through. Or I'll call once or twice, then interpret what happened as a rejection, and give up. I'm less picky then I used to be about girls, but a lot of girls here don't seem intelligent enough to interest me if they're not all that hot and I feel like they have an attitude. There are a lot of hot girls here, but if I see one I'll think to myself "I'm just a skinny freshman what would she be interested in me for" Oh well, the thing is, I can't stop these thoughts because I truly believe them.

My parents are very catholic and always discouraged me from starting relationships with girls. They want me to wait for marriage for sex because that's what the Catholic church says. I don't believe in christianity but still go to church because I don't want to hurt my parents, it would really hurt them. I am definitely not going to wait for marriage, but the real reason I want a girlfriend is not for sex, I just want some more company and experience in a relationship so I don't feel like an inadequate child (and the sex would be fun too). I also jerk off constantly, which probably isn't helping, but I guess that's debateable. It eases the pain and feels good.

All of this has discouraged me over and over and over again, and at this point I'm not sure where to begin building my confidence up. I know excersizes are stressed on this site like saying hi to a ****load of people or getting a bunch of numbers. The thing is, I can't get myself to do these things, they just seem like a stupid waste of time. WHy get a bunch of numbers from girls you don't want to go out with or girls you have no chance with? I don't know, I'm stuck in this negative thinking. However, the one thing I don't want to do is spend a lot of time on this website, it really doesn't help. I spent so much time on this website about 6 months ago. Analysing everything and hyping up every interaction you have with girls just makes you unnecessarily nervous. I want things to flow naturally, but I also want to make sure I follow things through and don't get hurt. Nothing ever works!

I don't know, I could probably get laid at a party by some drunk girl or something, but it seems like that would automatically be a letdown, and isn't necessarily moral. Whatever, might end up happening anyway.

I think my problem is my attitude, but I really have no idea how to change it. Anybody have any advice?

This is a complicated problem, and I don't think a simple answer will help me. If anyone has any ideas, I'd appreciate it.

 

[jseib]

You know every day it seems there are at least 2-3 posts simular to this.. Some guy depressed about his looks or afraid of woman the only thing really different is who replies and how long it takes for everyone to say the same advice... I know Im coming across as an a$$ here but seriously there is NO magic tactic or strategy that will make you better with woman or make you feel better about yourself..

All anyone can say really is be more confident.. Because even the best players here get shot down more then accepted and for someone who only approaches a handful of woman those odds become all the more damaging If you approach 100 woman and get shot down 90 times those 90 rejections are alot less painful then say approaching 2-3 girls a year and getting shot down 2 times a year... Plus once you build up a thick skin to rejection it helps you out in every other area of your life.. The main reason most people never ammount to anything is there fear of failure.. Lose that and the world is your oyster!

However painful it may sound you have to but your balls on the chopping block

Best of luck!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

You already know what your problem is - it is your attitude and confidence that hinders you. These are two factors that are within your power and control. Only concentrate on the things that you can control and don't fret about how women perceive you on matters beyond your control, or else you'll be miserable for the rest of your days!!!!

You are the fourth guy that stated the exact same problem in the last 24 hours.

 

[JB101]

You stole my life's story! Really, every few days, its the same story, just with different actors and it happens in different parts of the country.

I was listening to a Tony Robbins audio MP3 just now, and one of things that stuck out in my mind was when he said, "you can't build on failure, you can only build on success." You can't run out and talk to girls if your whole self identity is about negativity.

Remember, that your circumstance in life does not equal your capability. Everyone has the capability of going up to a pretty girl and asking her out. Everyone can physically do it. But they don't do it for a variety of reasons.

I always remind myself of that. Even if you're nervous, sweating, stuttering, blushing, trembling, no matter how bad it gets, that's not your capability. With conditioning, you can be as suave and as cool as James Bond.

What kind of girls are you going after? HB5's, HB9's?

What small thing can you do every single day to expand your comfort zone?

Two excellent books about changing your conditioning and your mind are by Wayne Dyer, "Your Erroneous Zones" and "Psycho Cybernetics" by Maltz.

 

[One on One]

You've come to the right place. Stick around a while, learn what this site has to offer and you'll be a new man in a year.

 

[The Brufri]

I was 18 years old when I kissed a woman for the first time. I guess it took so long because i had a very very low self steen, low confidence and was very very shy.


1. Work on your confidence (dont ask me how)

2. Go out more, ask women out and then ask some more, go for the average girls at first if thats the case. If you approach 100 women in a short period of time i guarentee you some of them will be attracted for you.

- The Brufri

 

[chancer357]

Do the people whose advice is always, "Just go talk to more women", "Just work on confidence" really know what its like to feel the way the poster feels?

They may have had a period in thier life where they maybe felt down. But how many of the people who offer that advice know what it is like to feel like that ALL the time? To never have know anything else?

I'm pretty successful in other aspects of life, have money, a job, a car - but I've _never_ been succesful with women. I'm not an attrative guy, I'm not hard to look at ugly, I'm just nothing special. I've never had a girl look at me as anything other than an obstacle they are passing by, I've never seen any sign of interest. I've never had a girl answer with more than one word answers no matter what kind of open ended question I ask. I have no posative expirence to begin to build any confidence.

Now I'm 27. I'm not at all on the same level as others my age socially. "Just working on my confidence" is not something I can do. "Getting out there and getting rejections" will only compound my self-esteem problem.

Tell me, do you know what that feels like?

 

[gentleman193]

I like the point that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I remember during college break going to a party with highschool friends. That was back when we had to drive around with fake ID's to buy drinks. This one girl asked me in the car if I had a girlfriend. I didn't -- and it was the thing I obsessed about then so I said no, but in a very negative way. She was like, "Jeez, sorry I asked."

To me it was admitting a humiliating fact. But I had my head up my azz. She was after me which is why she asked. That became clear later in the evening from others who were like, jeez, man, why don't you go talk to that chick, she's definitely into you. She was. But I was so obsessed with the fact that I didn't already have a girlfriend that I felt unqualified to do anything with this girl who liked me and was semi-drunk on new years eve and basically wanted to use me for my body. Like she gave an f--- how many women I slept with before. The fewer the better for this type of girl, in fact; she didn't want a player.

So that is the ultimate definition of a catch 22.

"I am poor so please don't give me money b/c I then I won't be poor and my whole life I've always been poor so then I would no longer be me."

You have to decide you don't want to be poor anymore and you will be able to handle the money when it comes along and tries to put itself into your pocket. Instead you are romanticizing the state of being poor and thinking it is what makes you superior to others so you do not even let the money get into your pocket.

Eventually you will see that the meek may inherit the earth -- but only when the strong are done having their fun with it.

Change your mindset first and then your game will change.

As a coda, I'll add that now I'm very happy when women ask me if I'm single. Either they are interested themselves or they've got a friend in mind. Now that I know that I'm like everyone else and not a superior solitary being I can accept the company.

 

[The Brufri]

Chancer,

No I dont really know what it feels like because i've experienced some things by now. But I know I would be in the same situation If I hadnt done anything about my issue. I have a great job too, car, money but still the only place I can pick up girls are in clubs. Clubs and solely that. In 4 years of college, seeing hot girls everywhere, everytime, i didnt pick up any still. Not even an ugly girl.

What have you tried in order to improve your relationship with women? Do you like to go out at night?

 

[jungleman pete]

I know where your coming from. I'm 26 and things arent perfect.

BUT..I'm doing better now than ever before. Its strange, three years ago i was in better shape, no one cared. I had a six pack. Big deal.

Right now i'm husky and chicks are going out of there way to be friendly and talk to me.

Why? Because I'm trying more. I'm trying to talk more and be nicer to people. Be interested in what they have to say. Be friendly to people.

It reminds me of American Pie 1. Jims Dad says to Jim "Interested is interesting".

I ask people "Hows your day going?" and their off! Sometimes i cant shut them up.

Dont try to be aloof and a challange and all that. Your not at the point where you can make it work.

Start conversations and listen to people. But heres the thing, you have to care. Be genuinely interested. You want to know more about them.

I find the best way to talk to a girl, personally, is talk to them like a family member. It sounds probably the opposite of what you would read on this site, but it makes you comfortable and the girl will be more likely to open up with you.

Some chicks the only way you can get them to stop talking about themselves is to ask for her number!

When it comes to women, practise on shop girls for now. They will talk for ages if you know how to start them off. I usually say "Hows your day going?". On the weekends a awesome opener is "how was your night last night?". You can find out exactly what the girl is like from what she did the night before.

She says she went to the movies, you say "what did you see, that sounds great, we should go sometime". She might say sure, she might say she has a boyfriend. Take it in your stride and you'll be fine.

She might say that she went out clubbing. Ask her "where did you go, i love that place, we should meet up sometime".

Or just say, its been great talking to you, but i've got to go, whats your number? And see what she says.

Never feel bad cos you asked a chick for her number. Its your job as a man. Its what you have to do. Its one of those things and all chicks know it.

This also reminds me of a quote from The Tick live action show, which sounds lame but always picks me up. "Dont be a cry baby, be a try baby!"

Best of luck! I know you can do it!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Yea guys, I never had a problem approaching women, although I did hesitate at times only to regret it later. The thing is that you guys are in your early to mid-20's and will regret your inaction in your later years in life. Yes, to be rejected 47 times in a row is disheartening and it brings a sense of negativity upon oneself accompanied with loneliness and despair.

But make sure that you at least constantly get rejected on a weekly basis because you'll regret more at the age 45 your inaction and letting your youth pass, than you will the constant rejection. Men that don't have handsome glamorous looks have a much harder time with women but it is not an impossibility. If you don't make a great first impession then you must offer women something else whereby they can disregard the initial physical attraction factor and cling to a much more worthy quality that you have to offer them!

 

[JB101]

Chancer and to everyone else with this challenge,

How do you work on confidence if you've never had a woman interested in you your whole life? I was in the same position at age 24. Never believing girls where really interested in me.

Every guy can work on his clothes, grooming, cologne, working out.

Here are a few other ideas:

Practice online. Go into yahoo chat and instant message every girl in the 20's and 30's romance rooms. Instant message 30 or 40 girls total. It doesn't really matter. I guarantee you'll find someone you click with if you do it enough. Practice some of the basics. Alot of people dismiss online chat as worthless, but if you have a choice of either doing nothing or doing something with the chance of making you better, take action to at least make slight improvements. Try out C&F, maybe get a phone number or two. Start trying out these DJ Bible ideas.

Your mind is heavily influenced by your environment. By what you read, by what you see. Print out stories of other guys who were in similar positions who got a gf or got laid. There are tons of stories on this web board. Fill your mind with the possibility that "it can happen". Not that it'll necessarily happen tomorrow or the next day, but start to turn the wheels of your belief system. Getting the gears in motion.

 

[dietzcoi]

THis is a subject that interests me as I "wasted" my four years of college in a military school.... almost no women for four years.... now to see guys at a "real" college with tons of women and still not getting any... in some ways makes me feel better about my own past...

PRL is right, don't be our age and look back on chances you could have taken and did not out of fear. Don't take counsel of your fears!

I am no longer young but you are. Take advantage of it!

You need to just do it. You will find out it is not as bad as your fears. Listen to us "old geezers". As I look back there was nothing to fear from approaching women.

DO IT!

Dietzcoi

 

[chancer357]

Do you like to go out at night?

I never went out to bars. The first time I ever did end up going out to them was about a year ago. I stopped going a few months ago, I dont like it at all.

What have you tried in order to improve your relationship with women?

If it ever seemed like a girl was interested in talking or something I might try. As it is, I feel I'm out of place everywhere. I don't have anything to try.

Practice online.

I tried online stuff before; I dont know how that ever worked for anyone. I've read thier stories about what they did but I never was able to get 1 response at all

I'm not comfortable trying to flirt. I _hate_ it. I'm not comfortable even being there. Its different than just being shy, if I were just shy and I did it and I started to see some posative feedback then I'd be encouraged to try more. I'd see that it was really just silly to be shy about it if the other person was interested in talking to me. But that never happened. I never got anything but negative feedback so I eventually was encouraged to stop trying. If you keep putting your hand on a hot stove you'll just eventually become to afraid to keep doing it because it hurts. Well thats basically whats happened with this.

With most people I imagine its a jagged line, a path of ups and downs. But you still have some ups in there to counterbalance the downs. In my case, I've never had any ups in there. All I've known have been negative expirences.

I don't know how to explain it. I gave up on the idea of ever meeting anyone a long time ago.

I don't expect someone to post a magic answer to any of this and just smack myself in the forehead and go 'Of course! That must be it!'

But this is what I was trying to say about this. Its hard to accept advice from people who find it easy to do this stuff. Its like telling an anerexic to just eat something; Or telling someone with ADD to just focus; Or telling a hyperactive kid to just calm down.

 

[jungleman pete]

Alright. One time special. Cos I love this site.

I'm going to let you guys in one what I like to call:

The Jungleman Bootcamp

Its perfect for guys who dont like approaching girls. Theres no approaching!! Thats right. You wont get rejected doing this bootcamp. Thats a guarantee

Also if you think that your not good enough, girls have koodies, every girl will probably reject you anyway or no girl is good enough for you, well, this is your bootcamp dude

Ok, heres how it starts. You go to a travel agent and book a flight (must be at least a 3 hour flight) to some city or place far away from where you live. Book a hotel. Suck it up when you tell the travel agent you are going away on holidays, alone, by yourself.

You get on the plane alone, sit on the plane alone. Eat peanuts alone. Laugh at the movie alone. Get off the plane alone. Grab your bags alone.

Get a taxi alone. Wait for the taxi driver to ask what your doing. Try your dardest to steer the convo away from the fact that your alone.

Book into your hotel room alone. Get past the people at reception who ask you what you are doing visiting their town. Tell them your on holiday. Wait for the looks. Suck it up.

Go to your room alone. Get your sh*t together and hit the town. It should be afternoon. Walk around town with no one to talk to. Look at the pretty girls, who you dont want because they'll probably reject you anyway.

Grab some lunch at a fast food restaurant and sit there, by yourself. Listen to kids asking "whys that man sitting alone". Suck it up and walk around town some more.

When dinner time comes go to the most fanciest upscale restaurant you can find. Dress up. Then sit there and order dinner by yourself. Look at all the people staring, wondering why this guys alone. Their eyes burning you while you try and get through your soup. Your fu*king soup! Theres two more courses at least to go! Suck it up. I dare you to not to make an excuse and leave before the main course comes.

Go back to your hotel room. Maybe jerk off then go cry yourself to sleep. Sweet dreams.

Oh, also while your in town go on some tours alone with big tour groups. Try not to feel bad when your walking around alone while everyone else is talking to each other, laughing and having a great time.

Spend a couple of days doing this.

Get on the plane alone and drive home alone.

Thats your bootcamp! I've done it a few times, so it can be done

When you get home, you'll swear to yourself that you will never be alone like that again. And hopefully you'll try and find yourself someone who is nice to be with, who takes care of you. Because your really not that bad a guy.

Or you can be the man on the news who died at his house and no one even fu*kin knew until the smell starting wafting through the windows.

The choice is yours man. All yours.

 

[chancer357]

Practice online. Go into yahoo chat and instant message every girl in the 20's and 30's romance rooms

Does that ever work? I looked at those rooms for the hell of it and it seems like its all guys shouting "asl" or porn spam bots.

 

[chancer357]

The Jungleman Bootcamp

Dude. Thats everyday of my life.

 

[JB101]

Practice online. Go into yahoo chat and instant message every girl in the 20's and 30's romance rooms

It can work, absolutely. They are alot of bots, but there are some real women too. It's just a numbers game like anything else.

A very reasonable goal, that I think any guy can do, is to get at least one or two numbers from girls online. Even if they're long distance, even if you have no intention of calling them, it's better than nothing. I collected many numbers from girls online before trying in real life.

Everyone here wants to see people succeed.

 

[jungleman pete]

I feel that Chancer.

Its no fun, is it?

Try your best man, try to be nice to people and when you see a girl who you can talk to for a while, do your best to get her number, then go from there.

You dont have to put up with feeling crap all the time.

I've been there and it got old. I'm sure it will for you too dude.

BTW: I know a guy who picks up constantly on IRC. These chicks give him their phone numbers and home address, the lot.

He just goes into the chat room thats local. All these girls sit at home on IRC usually during the week.

He mets up with them and does them the same night, no sh*t. These chicks are 18-20 year olds.

Hes nothing special really. Just a guy. But he sit there and flirts with them on line and they love it.

Just make sure you get a photo first

 

[dillin]

I don't really agree with what jungleman pete said. I think the best thing to do is just FORCE yourself to socialize, it will be hard work at first and even a few weeks after you wont feel any different but then after a few months look back and you will soon say to yourself "what was I thinking back then, I am such a pimp now!".

I used to be the shy guy at the party who girls never really payed any attention to. I have totally changed my outlook on everything and got in killer shape, luckily I have naturally good looks so it wasnt really hard for me. I hate to brag but it's going to be harder for guys with not so good looks to be able to talk to women because they will be less receptive.

I soon realized while forcing myself to do this women would be receptive most of the time especially at parties. I can now go to a party and hardly say a word but since I just feel great inside women suround around me no matter what I say. It has so much more to do with what you feel than what you say, be a man and women will be there for you.

I don't think the "I cant be alone" attitude will work well because I think it's good to be able to be alone by yourself sometimes but just don't make too much of a habit of it.

I'm going to be blunt here, you have an uphill battle if you are lacking in the looks department but I truely swear to you that you will have sucess with women.

One thing to remember is don't except to land that 5`11 super model you see strutting down the street, if you consider yourself a 4-5 aim for women in that range atleast to begin with because the women in your range your going to have the most sucess with.

One thing I have noticed is that the women who are most receptive to my advances are the women who range from 7-8 in the looks department, the girls below that tend to ignore me alot more than the 7-8's do, they feel you are out of there leauge.

What I REALLY can recomend to you is get some good looking clothes, this was the thing that made me realize how much women really do like me because I used to always wear really old bad looking clothes and women never really payed attention to me while after I changed my clothes I would walk down the street and get tons of attention.