kim jong chill
Don Juan
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2012
- Messages
- 25
- Reaction score
- 0
In the other thread I mentioned that I would eventually tell the story of my 6 year relationship. Here it is, for those who care to know.
Let me first say that the story I give here will be a basic sketch. I'm sure you've all been in love and understand how hard it is to capture in words all those moments and feelings you experience with the other person. So just keep in mind that everything I relate here was 10 times more intense and personal as it actually unfolded.
I knew this girl since we were 13 (we're 26 now). We went to school together but most of our communication from 13-17 was through chatting online in the glory days of AOL. She had a boyfriend and yet made it clear that she harbored feelings toward me. However, she was afraid to leave him, and as my feelings for her intensified into longing and desire for that which I could not have, I decided to cut all communications with her. She was upset and angry with me, but we did not speak for almost two years.
When we were 19 and in college, out of nowhere she friended me on Facebook. We spoke briefly and a few days later had our first meeting. We spent the day talking and reconnecting, and I told her I still had feelings for her. Later on, she would always tell me how happy she was to hear me say that. As we were about to part, I grabbed her and kissed her. I don't know what came over me. At that point I was horribly unsuccessful with women, never having a girlfriend and still being a virgin. She later told me it was both the worst and the best kiss she ever had, and that she spent the rest of the day walking around with a huge grin on her face from how happy she was.
After that day, we started dating and right from the beginning developed an intense, deeply personal, and loving relationship. She had a difficult life and I made it my goal to save her, because I could not stand to see this beautiful, amazing person suffer any longer. In turn, she was wonderful to me - loving, affectionate, caring. She was the only person around whom I felt comfortable and finally happy with myself. The chronic depression and mood swings I suffered in high school went away, and being with her did wonders for my self-esteem, because appearance-wise she was way out of my league. As for her, she always told me how much she was motivated by my own drive to success in college and how that pushed her to want to do something better with herself. We had our fights, as all kids do, and character-wise we were different people (She would get upset when I told her this, because she would always refer to me as her soul mate). But we spent our first 3 years in a wonderful partnership, where we felt like we became parts of each other.
Thinking back now, I saw problems coming up around the time of our third anniversary. We were both applying to graduate school at that time, but whereas she got into her dream university, I struck out everywhere, leaving me depressed for months. I know it hurt her to see me like this, but recently she revealed to me how hurt she was that I basically did not congratulate her on her success because I was so self-absorbed with my own problems (she's right).
At the same time, I had been feeling pressure from her on proposing, about which I was dragging my feet because I had never been in a relationship with anyone else. I knew that I loved her, but I was scared of officially committing. I continued looking at other women and wondering about other possibilities, even though I felt guilty about it because she really was such an amazing person. Our first breakup occurred a couple of months after our 4th anniversary, after we had a fight at a party in her house and I drunkenly stormed out. But this did not last long. A week later I came to her house to return her things (we never lived together), and we wound up reconnecting.
Despite us coming back together, we both knew that the most difficult test was ahead of us. My second try at grad school applications was successful, and we soon found out that I'd be moving to a different state later that year. She knew that I was going to pursue a goal that I had set for myself back in college, and to her credit, she never once told me that she didn't want me going. She remained the faithful, loving and supportive person, telling me that she was ready to move there with me if/when I proposed to her.
After I moved, we worked hard to keep our long distance relationship as strong as it was before. My first year, we talked numerous times a day, by phone and by Skype. I did my best to stay engaged with her life. At the same time, we both slowly came to realize that her coming out here was not the best option for her own career. Even though she insisted that she would do it for me, I put off on proposing because I did not want to make her sacrifice her own goals for me. We saw each other sporadically, once every 2-3 months when I could make it home for break, both of us counting down the days until we knew we would see each other again. I'll never forget those moments when I would hug and kiss her again after those times apart - it felt like heaven.
I was back home for all of summer last year, and we got used to being in each other's presence again. When time came for me to leave in August, we had a tearful goodbye. Then, last October, she came to visit me, and those were the happiest days of my new life in this place. Little did I know that she was doing it because she felt she needed to save our relationship. I had become so caught up in my own studies that I began to neglect her. She was lonely for me, but I would tell her I didn't have time to Skype. And when she was here, I did not propose to her like how she expected, despite introducing her to my colleagues as my partner or my fiancee. When she did try to have a conversation with me on this subject, I brushed it off by saying that I did not envision our relationship changing in the course of the next few years. I said this because I was scared, even though for years now I had been crafting a plan as to how I would propose to her when the time came. But I simply could not bring myself to it.
A month later, our 6 year anniversary came and went without me getting her a gift. I was going through some difficult times and feeling depressed (unrelated to our relationship). Then, one night she called me on Skype crying uncontrollably. She told me she was having conflicting feelings, and was scared because she no longer knew how she felt about us. I didn't make much of it and tried to brush it off, telling her that I'd be home in less than a month and we would be fine again. But over the next few weeks, I saw that she was depressed and unhappy, despite me trying to comfort her. At the same time, I became paranoid that she was developing feelings for my friend back home. I didn't tell her this at the time, and I now know that I was wrong. But one night, a few days before I was set to come back home and see her, I called her and told her we should break up. We both cried, but at the time I think we both felt that it was inevitable in our relationship. I was too busy to put much effort into maintaining it, essentially having started a new life elsewhere, while she had to bear the brunt of trying to sustain it.
The morning I was coming back home, her and I had an angry text message exchange where I questioned her faithfulness to me in relation to my friend. This upset her tremendously. She told me she was tired of me thinking that I could say anything I wanted to her, knowing that she would always back down and try to accommodate me. She also said that she was always loyal to me and would even hate herself if she caught herself looking at other men. Knowing her as well as I do, I believe that she was telling me the truth and that nothing was going on. And I know she is right about me: I did too often take out my anger on her, hurting her feelings and yet knowing that she loved me too much to leave me. Even coming back home, I expected to be able to get her back.
But that didn't happen. Over the course of the 3 weeks that I was home, I increasingly lost control of myself. Both angry and scared that I lost her forever, I kept calling and texting her, alternating between passive-aggressive confrontations and crying to apologize and practically begging her to take me back. I wrote her letters and emails, pleaded and tugged at her heartstrings, did everything I could think of to get her to give me one more chance. Nothing worked. I pressured her into seeing me for coffee 3 times, each time confessing my real feelings for her, telling her I would change and do anything I could to fix things between us. I told her that we had gone through too much to simply give up on each other now. She cried, but did not waver.
She has told me that she does not know whether she wants to be with me, now or ever. That I have hurt her too much over the years. That we grew up together from when we were basically still kids, and that now we have to grow up as separate individuals. She wants time and space to figure out herself, who SHE is, and what she wants, because for all these years she tried to be what I wanted because she was too scared no one else would love her. She told me that she feels I was keeping her around as a trophy as a way of boosting my own self-esteem. I denied this to her, but I'm embarrassed to know that she is partially right. She also said she still wants me in her life as a friend, because I am still the love of her life, but that right now she wants me to stop trying to get in touch with her.
Let me first say that the story I give here will be a basic sketch. I'm sure you've all been in love and understand how hard it is to capture in words all those moments and feelings you experience with the other person. So just keep in mind that everything I relate here was 10 times more intense and personal as it actually unfolded.
I knew this girl since we were 13 (we're 26 now). We went to school together but most of our communication from 13-17 was through chatting online in the glory days of AOL. She had a boyfriend and yet made it clear that she harbored feelings toward me. However, she was afraid to leave him, and as my feelings for her intensified into longing and desire for that which I could not have, I decided to cut all communications with her. She was upset and angry with me, but we did not speak for almost two years.
When we were 19 and in college, out of nowhere she friended me on Facebook. We spoke briefly and a few days later had our first meeting. We spent the day talking and reconnecting, and I told her I still had feelings for her. Later on, she would always tell me how happy she was to hear me say that. As we were about to part, I grabbed her and kissed her. I don't know what came over me. At that point I was horribly unsuccessful with women, never having a girlfriend and still being a virgin. She later told me it was both the worst and the best kiss she ever had, and that she spent the rest of the day walking around with a huge grin on her face from how happy she was.
After that day, we started dating and right from the beginning developed an intense, deeply personal, and loving relationship. She had a difficult life and I made it my goal to save her, because I could not stand to see this beautiful, amazing person suffer any longer. In turn, she was wonderful to me - loving, affectionate, caring. She was the only person around whom I felt comfortable and finally happy with myself. The chronic depression and mood swings I suffered in high school went away, and being with her did wonders for my self-esteem, because appearance-wise she was way out of my league. As for her, she always told me how much she was motivated by my own drive to success in college and how that pushed her to want to do something better with herself. We had our fights, as all kids do, and character-wise we were different people (She would get upset when I told her this, because she would always refer to me as her soul mate). But we spent our first 3 years in a wonderful partnership, where we felt like we became parts of each other.
Thinking back now, I saw problems coming up around the time of our third anniversary. We were both applying to graduate school at that time, but whereas she got into her dream university, I struck out everywhere, leaving me depressed for months. I know it hurt her to see me like this, but recently she revealed to me how hurt she was that I basically did not congratulate her on her success because I was so self-absorbed with my own problems (she's right).
At the same time, I had been feeling pressure from her on proposing, about which I was dragging my feet because I had never been in a relationship with anyone else. I knew that I loved her, but I was scared of officially committing. I continued looking at other women and wondering about other possibilities, even though I felt guilty about it because she really was such an amazing person. Our first breakup occurred a couple of months after our 4th anniversary, after we had a fight at a party in her house and I drunkenly stormed out. But this did not last long. A week later I came to her house to return her things (we never lived together), and we wound up reconnecting.
Despite us coming back together, we both knew that the most difficult test was ahead of us. My second try at grad school applications was successful, and we soon found out that I'd be moving to a different state later that year. She knew that I was going to pursue a goal that I had set for myself back in college, and to her credit, she never once told me that she didn't want me going. She remained the faithful, loving and supportive person, telling me that she was ready to move there with me if/when I proposed to her.
After I moved, we worked hard to keep our long distance relationship as strong as it was before. My first year, we talked numerous times a day, by phone and by Skype. I did my best to stay engaged with her life. At the same time, we both slowly came to realize that her coming out here was not the best option for her own career. Even though she insisted that she would do it for me, I put off on proposing because I did not want to make her sacrifice her own goals for me. We saw each other sporadically, once every 2-3 months when I could make it home for break, both of us counting down the days until we knew we would see each other again. I'll never forget those moments when I would hug and kiss her again after those times apart - it felt like heaven.
I was back home for all of summer last year, and we got used to being in each other's presence again. When time came for me to leave in August, we had a tearful goodbye. Then, last October, she came to visit me, and those were the happiest days of my new life in this place. Little did I know that she was doing it because she felt she needed to save our relationship. I had become so caught up in my own studies that I began to neglect her. She was lonely for me, but I would tell her I didn't have time to Skype. And when she was here, I did not propose to her like how she expected, despite introducing her to my colleagues as my partner or my fiancee. When she did try to have a conversation with me on this subject, I brushed it off by saying that I did not envision our relationship changing in the course of the next few years. I said this because I was scared, even though for years now I had been crafting a plan as to how I would propose to her when the time came. But I simply could not bring myself to it.
A month later, our 6 year anniversary came and went without me getting her a gift. I was going through some difficult times and feeling depressed (unrelated to our relationship). Then, one night she called me on Skype crying uncontrollably. She told me she was having conflicting feelings, and was scared because she no longer knew how she felt about us. I didn't make much of it and tried to brush it off, telling her that I'd be home in less than a month and we would be fine again. But over the next few weeks, I saw that she was depressed and unhappy, despite me trying to comfort her. At the same time, I became paranoid that she was developing feelings for my friend back home. I didn't tell her this at the time, and I now know that I was wrong. But one night, a few days before I was set to come back home and see her, I called her and told her we should break up. We both cried, but at the time I think we both felt that it was inevitable in our relationship. I was too busy to put much effort into maintaining it, essentially having started a new life elsewhere, while she had to bear the brunt of trying to sustain it.
The morning I was coming back home, her and I had an angry text message exchange where I questioned her faithfulness to me in relation to my friend. This upset her tremendously. She told me she was tired of me thinking that I could say anything I wanted to her, knowing that she would always back down and try to accommodate me. She also said that she was always loyal to me and would even hate herself if she caught herself looking at other men. Knowing her as well as I do, I believe that she was telling me the truth and that nothing was going on. And I know she is right about me: I did too often take out my anger on her, hurting her feelings and yet knowing that she loved me too much to leave me. Even coming back home, I expected to be able to get her back.
But that didn't happen. Over the course of the 3 weeks that I was home, I increasingly lost control of myself. Both angry and scared that I lost her forever, I kept calling and texting her, alternating between passive-aggressive confrontations and crying to apologize and practically begging her to take me back. I wrote her letters and emails, pleaded and tugged at her heartstrings, did everything I could think of to get her to give me one more chance. Nothing worked. I pressured her into seeing me for coffee 3 times, each time confessing my real feelings for her, telling her I would change and do anything I could to fix things between us. I told her that we had gone through too much to simply give up on each other now. She cried, but did not waver.
She has told me that she does not know whether she wants to be with me, now or ever. That I have hurt her too much over the years. That we grew up together from when we were basically still kids, and that now we have to grow up as separate individuals. She wants time and space to figure out herself, who SHE is, and what she wants, because for all these years she tried to be what I wanted because she was too scared no one else would love her. She told me that she feels I was keeping her around as a trophy as a way of boosting my own self-esteem. I denied this to her, but I'm embarrassed to know that she is partially right. She also said she still wants me in her life as a friend, because I am still the love of her life, but that right now she wants me to stop trying to get in touch with her.
