Hi everyone, I'm learning!
First lesson: give up the chase. I am the prize. I do my own thing. This appeals to women so much that I get chased. Then I decide whether or not I reward the chase. Theory: got it. Practice: I'm designing my new habits. These new habits drive me to naturally succeed at what I love to do. Habit-building is the most important work I can do today, this year, this life. Gotta shovel out the crap from the past before there is room for great new ideas. New habits, people, and wonderful experiences are lined up, eager to get into my life. The show has started but the lobby doors aren't open yet because the janitor wasn't paying attention. Clean it up, open the doors, let what I deserve come to me!
About the ex. I finally realized the bitter breakup happened because she has a crazy idea that runs her life. The situation WAS crazy. It was crazy because she's crazy. I see that I used to believe in craziness from a crazy person. I get upset when I see that. I'm not crazy to get upset about that.
Her crazy idea is that if she has something against someone, it's better to lie and withhold it so she won't "hurt" them. Manipulation and deception are forms of loving care in her world. Sure there are good psychological reasons from her having been abused as a child. It looks like there are implications that haven't yet been addressed in her therapy. That's sad and I hope that inner child gets to feel loved so she can heal, etc. I'm not a trained pscyhologist, and it's not my responsibility to fix that problem.
I chased and chased her and couldn't figure out why I used to get a response, but then I didn't get a response. Then I had to move out of town for work, and I chased and chased after her (by phone and letter and email) for a reason that never came. I also chased and chased my own tail to try to find my hidden psychological issue. What issue in me must have really deserved that rejection? Then she finally told me something, after rushing to get engaged to someone else. She had decided a long time ago she didn't want to be with me, but she thought it would "hurt to much" to tell me. Then I chased and chased her more to try to get her to admit this rule of hers is insane and always causes pain.
Then I learned what abuse is really all about. She was trained by the experts. She knows how to assume you know all about the evil in another person's mind. She knows how it's kind to not let them know that you they are so evil, until you blow up at them one bizarre day. I learned that each random incident seems like some strange communication problem, until you see that they are all the same pattern. I learned that relief comes when you deny that pattern any right to run YOUR life. Give up debating each individual bizarre reason for that day's rejection.
I gave up the chase. I am fine with never again talking to her, seeing her, or hanging out with any of the mutual friends. They either totally believe her and think I'm a jealous nut, or they believe she screwed me over but it would hurt too much to tell her the truth. Yeah, I see why those friendships are so strong! I give up the fight. Her desire to think of me as evil is more powerful than my desire to hope she can think well of me. I lose her. She wins whatever it's worth to her to have me accept the fact that she thinks I'm evil. I get to stop the arms race and move on. She gets to keep living with those evil ideas in her mind. I come out ahead, even if I lose her war!
Got that figured out but I need some advice. On to my next post.
First lesson: give up the chase. I am the prize. I do my own thing. This appeals to women so much that I get chased. Then I decide whether or not I reward the chase. Theory: got it. Practice: I'm designing my new habits. These new habits drive me to naturally succeed at what I love to do. Habit-building is the most important work I can do today, this year, this life. Gotta shovel out the crap from the past before there is room for great new ideas. New habits, people, and wonderful experiences are lined up, eager to get into my life. The show has started but the lobby doors aren't open yet because the janitor wasn't paying attention. Clean it up, open the doors, let what I deserve come to me!
About the ex. I finally realized the bitter breakup happened because she has a crazy idea that runs her life. The situation WAS crazy. It was crazy because she's crazy. I see that I used to believe in craziness from a crazy person. I get upset when I see that. I'm not crazy to get upset about that.
Her crazy idea is that if she has something against someone, it's better to lie and withhold it so she won't "hurt" them. Manipulation and deception are forms of loving care in her world. Sure there are good psychological reasons from her having been abused as a child. It looks like there are implications that haven't yet been addressed in her therapy. That's sad and I hope that inner child gets to feel loved so she can heal, etc. I'm not a trained pscyhologist, and it's not my responsibility to fix that problem.
I chased and chased her and couldn't figure out why I used to get a response, but then I didn't get a response. Then I had to move out of town for work, and I chased and chased after her (by phone and letter and email) for a reason that never came. I also chased and chased my own tail to try to find my hidden psychological issue. What issue in me must have really deserved that rejection? Then she finally told me something, after rushing to get engaged to someone else. She had decided a long time ago she didn't want to be with me, but she thought it would "hurt to much" to tell me. Then I chased and chased her more to try to get her to admit this rule of hers is insane and always causes pain.
Then I learned what abuse is really all about. She was trained by the experts. She knows how to assume you know all about the evil in another person's mind. She knows how it's kind to not let them know that you they are so evil, until you blow up at them one bizarre day. I learned that each random incident seems like some strange communication problem, until you see that they are all the same pattern. I learned that relief comes when you deny that pattern any right to run YOUR life. Give up debating each individual bizarre reason for that day's rejection.
I gave up the chase. I am fine with never again talking to her, seeing her, or hanging out with any of the mutual friends. They either totally believe her and think I'm a jealous nut, or they believe she screwed me over but it would hurt too much to tell her the truth. Yeah, I see why those friendships are so strong! I give up the fight. Her desire to think of me as evil is more powerful than my desire to hope she can think well of me. I lose her. She wins whatever it's worth to her to have me accept the fact that she thinks I'm evil. I get to stop the arms race and move on. She gets to keep living with those evil ideas in her mind. I come out ahead, even if I lose her war!
Got that figured out but I need some advice. On to my next post.
