My story and theory about BPD [very long] part 2

[Mouser]

Part 1 (of 3)

BPD.

As related to the relationship I just got out of (only three months long from first date to live in to break up) - first hand experience can be an honest teacher rivalling even the second hand information of books by professors.

She: History
Was sexually abused by two men at the age of 4 - 6 repeatedly forced to preform oral and manual sex while she was 'cared' for as a child while both her parents worked. Received a slap in the face when she brought it up to her mother for being a dirty little liar. Has a very negative view of her father who she disparaged saying he had extramarital relationships. Descibed her mother as a veritable supermom who worked full time and did all the cooking, clleaning and housework - and kept a spic'n'span home. Became a competitive downhill skier in her middle teens but shattered her knee at about age 16 which ended her athletic career. The pain lead her to several years of opiate pain killers which gave her a substance addiction. She educated herself as a registered nurse and gained her certification/licence.

Married at age 30 to a guy she smoked hash with for years where his activity in life was playing video games and smoking hasch full time. Said the day of her wedding she was high and that 'it wasn't a real wedding or marriage'. Moved abroad with her husband to Norway where he got a job laying floors and she worked as a nurse at the ER. At three years of marriage she got breast implants to a c-cup against her husbands wishes and shortly there after they moved apart and the divorce soon followed as a formality.
Soon after she began using harder drugs and even injecting amphetamine intravenously. In one of her amphetamine highs she explains she no longer wanted to live and when she couldn't get the syringe into the vein she began hacking at her anterior left arm just below the elbow, dropped the syringe several times, and continued hacking into her arm till she found the vein.

A sepsis occured and her left arm swelled up to twice its normal size accompanied by excruciating pain. After three days she went to the ER and the doctor put her on i.v. antibiotics and managed to save her arm. He also informed her he must by law inform the medical board of her intravenous amphetamine addiction.
After leaving the hospital she was given a doctors certificate of illness during her recovery from the sepsis treatment. After a few weeks the medical board began to send her letters about her suspension and her need for rehab before she could again work as an R.N.
She fled to Thailand where her Scandavian parents own a restaurant instead of going to rehab in order to get re-certified. After about three months she returned to Norway and opened all her mail to find out her certification had been revoked indefinitely for failing to respond to any of their offers for drug rehab and recertification.

She was 33 with a flourid amphetamine addiction and no way to support herself. In her own words she broke all contact with her parents and family and became homeless for two years. In response to where she got money for food and clothes she states she lived with one boyfriend after another who were supplying her substance abuse. Unclear if she stopped i.v. use when she nearly lost her arm to bloodpoisoning.
After two tears living 'on the street' she contacted social services who put her in basic housing with a food allowance. During this time, about one year, she worked 'black' as a day labourer doing csual hourly work.
It was quite early this 'welfare' year she became pregnant with a refugee from Serbia about 15 years older than herself. During the last months of her pregnacy she became aware the state was considering taking her child from her after it was born because of her drug abuse and chaotic lifestyle.

Therefore when the child, her daughter, was only three weeks old she bought a carriage and a train ticket back to her parents in Stockholm, who she had not had any contact with for three tears. I believe she did not even inform her parents she was coming or that she had her newborn daughter with her.
She lived at her parents for four months untill she found a little rental apartment in a small town about 45 minutes drive out of Stockholm.

The next three and a half years she took care of her daughter and did not work. She recycled the father of the child from Serbia by sponsoring him to come to live in the same small town (he had been refused asylum in Norway and had been sent back to Serbia).

After three and half years on maternal welfare, with the first two consisting of weekly child services 'supervision' of her mothering skills, at the age of 39 she got a make work placement through state manpower to work as a nurse at a family medical clinic (she still had her medical certification in Sweden).

Nine months later she (40) met me (54) working on a four week placement as a family physician at the clinic where she worked.

I asked her out after a conversation we had about my desire to have another child (I have three daughters 18 - 21) from an earlier relationship. She seemed attractive and sincerely interested in talking to me. On the last day of my placement we went out for a nice fish dinner by the water. She said 'I don't drink'. I understood this to mean she had battled alcohol and won. I respected that. I was driving and in Sweden there is zero tolerance for driving and alcohol (direct loss of driving licence) so a dinner sans alcohol was no problem from my side.

The dinner went really well. She told me all about herself and I did likewise. We drank two bottles of alcohol free wine and carried on like we felt intoxocated anyway. Upon returning home (her daughter was overnighting at a friend-couple's house) she invited me in first apologising that it was a mess. She showed me her apartment and said 'I'm not only into traditional relationships'. I took that to mean she could consider a long distance relationship since during the evening I told her I had applied to several jobs in Norway and hoped to soon work there. In retrospect I believe she meant something else, something I would understand only 12 weeks later when the relationship ended and I understood more about BPD.

To end the first dare, being a gentleman not wanting to be too forward, I asked permission to kiss her goodnight to which she obliged a tender kiss on the lips. I was in seventh heaven. I even half joked after the kiss that I 'felt like I don't want to go'. Her effect was so positively strong (seductive) upon me after only a few hours of her company and attentions.

Next day at noon from my apartment 50 miles away, I text messaged her an offer to come with her daughter for dinner at my place and she could overnight in my livingroom. She texted back that she was busy with entertaining her parents that day and then helping her neighbours (who had babysat her daughter when we went out the night before) to build a stone patio. I thought, why not invite me to partake in one of both of these activities but thought maybe she was not really interested in seeing me again. I thought to myself, slow down don't scare her away - you like her - be patient. I decided to wait till I was in away in Germany visiting a freind and his wife during the following week and to send her a postcard from there saying thank you for the dinner and that I would reurn to Sweden i 2½ weeks and call her then.

One week before returning form Germany she text messaged that she would like me to come in two days to help her fix her backyard fence which after 17 years had fallen in great disrepair. She needed it for her huge male Rotweiller/Pitbull who I had met the evening we came back after dinner. I texted that on the post card I had expressed my arrival back to be one week later. She texted back a very weak 'oh yeah, see ya later'.

Upon returning to Sweden I contacted her to ask if we could meet for coffee. She said sure so I drove to her place on a Sunday and ended up meeting her D4 and staying for dinner. I offered to come and help her fix her fence, I figured 5 -6 days work with carpentry and painting. She said sure. Becuase of the 50 mile distance between our homes I asked if I could overnight (thinking the couch or equivalent) while building the fence. She said no problem. We agreed she would pay for the building material costs and I would supply the labour for free. For me this would give me an opportunity to get to know her and to be close to her. I was already getting hooked.

Five days later I bought the necessary wood, nails and paint, loaded up my tools and drove to her rental rowhouse. She was away visiting her parents in Stockholm with her daughter but left clean sheets and pillow case for her bed. It didn't feel right so I found a mattress in the house and bedded down in the livingroom. The next day I began renovation on the fence and about 59 other repairs in her home (replaced a sink, rehinded kitchen cabinents, installed the plumbing for her washer, put up shower rod and curtains, painted the guest room, etc). She arrived home the following day. We continued our intensive talks after her daughter had fallen alseep. We made out a little and then I retired to my mattress on the floor.

The following evening shortly after she confided 1. She had hepatitis c from her i.v. drug use, and 2. she had been sexually abused as a child, we ended up in bed and had protected sex. That night and the following one I slept on the floor mattress out if consideration for her daughter who I had only known a few days.

The fifth evening she brought her daughter after wakening into her double bed with me in it. I thought, well okay, looks like we're really playing house now. I was falling in love so I didn't mind.

After one week she said she and her daughter were not like other people. That her daughter was very sensitive and that everything for herself was black or white.

 

[Mouser]

Part 2 (of 3)

After two weeks the first really strange thing happened. I was noticing increasingly that she did not discipline her daughter in any shape or form. Putting her daughter to bed meant allowing her daughter to literally fall alseep in front of the TV and then physically carrying her into her bedroom. What happened was I had taken her daughter with me to buy some more lumber and upon returning her daughter had unhooked herself from her childseat and was running to her mother and dog across the zebra crossing without looking and a catastrophic accident with a speeding car passing a few feet in front of her very nearly occurred. For a split second I thought her daughter would be struck. Happened to fast to yell stop - her mother yelled stop but the child ignored her and kept running - almost to her death.

I was shocked and thankful she was unharnmed. I realised I would have been equally responsible since she was coming out of my car. When I crouched down to speak to her about the importance of always looking for cars even at a zebracross she turned away and her mother said nothing. I went back to the house and waited for them to return. We had to talk this out. The girl's life nearly ended because no-one was disciplining her. In the kitchen I calmly began to point out the importance of keeping the daughter safe by establishing safe limits around crossing the street. My BPD's eyes went black and she kicked me full-force in the left hip twice. I was more shocked than hurt. 'Why are you kicking me?' A moment later she said she was wrong to do that and continued as if nothing had happened. Silly me - so did I. Three days later she said she could not remember actually kicking me - she knew she had done it but the actual memory was gone.

At four weeks another red flag (which I also ignored). We had a small disagreement - I actually do not even remember what it was about. Suddenly she picked up a long double pronged kitchen knife and held it up to thrust two feet from my face. I just stared at her not comprehending what was going on. After 30 seconds she turned and plunged the knife through a pizza box on the kitchen table saying, 'I just had to do that'. I inspected the wooden table which now had two small 'teeth' marks on its surface. I stupidly said nothing more about it. The lovemaking was was just so good for the first 6 weeks. I thought I had met my soul mate. I told her after three weeks I was in love with her - and I really meant it with all my heart. She responded one week later that she was in love with me. Hallejujah!

She wanted to have a child but I said we should wait at least one year so that we really knew each other. But inconsistent with that the condoms kept breaking so (stupidly) after three weeks I stopped even using them. I was in love. I was stupid. Especially with a 6% chance as a partner of contracting Hep C. Love makes an intelligent man into a fool.

The honeymoon ended around week 6. From falling asleep in each others arms and awakening like a pretzel she said she had a whiplash injury that meant she had to sleep on her orthopedic pillow alone on her side of the bed. At week seven she said she did not enjoy foreplay and only wanted penetration sex (huh?). At week eight she said, 'make this quick, I have to sleep' in a strange deep old voice I had never heard before that sounded like a very old, street worn woman. From week 9 to 12 she became less and less intimate so that I began to feel that I was bothering or begging for physical closeness.

At the beginning of week 12 I expressed my needs tenderly and clearly. She said yes but then each night was distant and without romantic interest. At the end of week 12 after being rebuffed once again I asked, 'Are you happy with our relationship'. She said yes and nothing more. I lay on my back and thought to myself I can't do this, I can't be begging for physical intimacy from someone who says they love me. So I got up and said I was not happy in our relationship, that I can not feel like I am 'begging' for physical intimacy. I got on my clothes and jacket to go drive home and she said don't go, come to bed. So after 10 minutes of expressing my confusion of what I was even doing there, what did she need me for I finally lay down and we made love. But I began thinking the next morning this will never work. I cannot threaten to leave to have my needs met.

The next day I could not get out of bed. It was like all the energy was sucked out of me. I knew it was because of our poor sex life. I decided to wait till the evening to tell her that I need us to make love everynight before we fell asleep (like we used to only weeks before) for a few weeks or I was going to have to leave, and that I would respectfully accept her decision either way. Instead she came home at lunch and after asking me in the sweetest voice what was wrong while lying down beside me she pushed me down on my back and mounted me. She orgasmed but I held because I wanted to find out what her decision would be to my question before I received anymore pleasure from her. So after she came, while we were still engaged, I asked her if she liked what just happened and that if we were to continue I wanted to make love each night before we fell alseep for a few weeks to try and get our physical relationship back on track.

She hopped off and half yelled. 'how could you do that, have me an then say that'. I answered I would respect her decision either way, that I could not go on feeling I was begging for physical intimacy. I got up from the bed and straightened myself to be out-of-the-blue run at and punched in the chest and abdomen and knocked back onto the bed. Then she jumped on me, stradled me and began pummelling my torso. Holy ****! I'm six feet and 180 pounds to her 5'6" and 120 pounds so I restrained her in a head lock until she agreed to stop trying to hit me. It took her almost 3 minutes to agree.

She went back to work and then phoned to say she felt bad and was I still there. I said yes and sent her 12 long stemmed roses to her at work with a card that said I love you. 'Cause I really did (do). That evening we went shopping for a dance costume for her daughter and I bought champange to celebrate my perception of a milestone I thought we had passed. Great Saturday evening where I ended up sewing on the bunnytail for her daughters costume.

Sunday of the 12th week when it came to bedtime - rebuffed again. I moved to the couch and said I hope you know what your doing (I had had enough). She changed her mind. asked me to come back to bed. My leaving was again stayed. Woke up again unable to get out of bed - all my energy was again being sucked out of me.

 

[Mouser]

Part 3 (of 3)

Tuesday morning sent an email to her at work see below:


Dear ***** 29/11-11

I can survive two hard kicks to the hip, a knife waved threatenly in my face later to be stabbed through a pizza box onto the kitchen table, being knocked over onto the bed and having to wrestle to restrain you until you agreed to stop trying to hit me, that you are a recovered alchoholic, that you carry the hepatit c virus.

I can even survive if you tell me you want to end our relationship and that I must leave your home.

What I can't survive is the witholding your physical self from me both romantically and sexually.

For the first month and a half you held nothing back and you loved me emotionally and physically with joy and enthusiasm
First after six weeks you began with:
- I can't lay in your arms to fall asleep because I have a whip-lash injury.
Then after seven weeks:
-Don't touch my breasts or ****orus (no reason given) when you want to arouse me with fore-play touch me anywhere else.
Then after eight weeks:
-Make this very fast sex because I have to sleep - or go without.
Then after nine weeks:
-I don't have any lust to make love with you - go without.

The above combined will kill our physical relationship and simultaneously the love we both say we hold for each other. I am wondering if that is what you really want. If it is, please tell me so i may leave you in peace. If it is not, we need to directly resolve this problem in a way we can both accept.

My request to make love each night before we fall asleep is my attempt to get our physical love life back on track - nothing more. I love you.

P.S. If I have a problem with you, I talk to you about it, no one else - not now, not later.


She came home at lunch on the Monday and did not make eye contact - pretended nothing was wrong - hadn't had time to read my e-mail. Okay. We'll discuss it when you get home, before it gets to bedtime.

She came home, said she hadn't read the e-mail. I produced it on the kitchen laptop for her to read. She said she could not agree to my request that she 'didn't know why she didn't have any physical interest'. I took a really deep breath and said okay I'll pack. No physical altercation ensued. No raised voices. I spent three hours packing up my tools and clothes, politely said good bye and that it had been exciting and that I hoped she found someone more suited to her.

I phoned the next day to hear how she was. I offered her the opportunity to pose for my daughters at their Sunday art lesson with a models fee to be paid by me in friendship. She did not respond.

Four days later after reading 30 articles about BPD I decided to go NC to save my own sanity. 3½ weeks later she phoned without a response from me. 4½ weeks later she text messaged that she was pregnant in week 8. Sensing vacuumcleaning I sent the following e-mail just in the 1% chance that she is pregnant AND the child is mine:


*****, 28/12-11

I received your SMS text message today at 17:01 indicating you were in week 8 (of a pregnancy).

I ask you to follow this information up with proof the child is mine once he/she is born, by means of a dna test certificate.

You should contact my lawyer through me when the baby is born.

*****

Okay that was really long I left out the red flags about infidelity which together after the fact make me 80% certain she was unfaithful several times during the 12 weeks - but I am not certain.

My theory about BPD.

BPD is caused by very early childhood trauma either sexual, physical and/or emotional. The unconditional secure love reationship and then the individuation through constancy of the mother (and father) does not occur at the age of 2-4 years as is normal. The young child separates the part of the mind where the trauma has occured. That part of the mind becomes almost like a seperate person. As the BPD tries to fill their container with love it drains out the bottom because there is a 'hole in the bottom'. The unconditional/constancy/individuation phase of development never occurred. No matter how much love is poured into the container it runs dry. The BPD learns to cope by always getting new liquid to pour in to fill the emptiness and realises in adolescence that one of the best ways to do that is in the infatutuation/honeymoon phases of new relationships. During that period the container can almost feel full - for a little while.

Their very first break up is a jolting experience where the BPD has tried to have only one partner. When this first adolescent/young adult relationship ends the BPD feels they are going to die (emotionally). A silent vow may be taken to never be that vunerable again. Never. And to this promise the BPD is lifelong true. All subsequent relationships are entered into only half-heartedly. The BPD keeps the other multiple relationships on hold to see if the new relationship is the one.

That is to say when they commit to a new relationship they really do not - the others are just on hold. As soon as the leaking container is no longer being nearly filled up in the infatuation phase, the BPD feels the emptiness and re-engages with the others partners who have been on hold. Fear of abandonment indeed makes the BPD more aware their container is not full. They crave love and validation, and will take lust if love is not available.

Without long term therapeutic treatment to re-parent a BPD through unconditional love/constancy/individuation they will time after time feel the empty container and fill it up with love or lust when the feeling of emptiness becomes too great. Once the non-BPD partner is no longer idealised the BPD turns them into the 'parent' of the opposite sex in a care-giver type role. To the BPD once a partner is parentalised is is not wrong to go and get their romantic and physical needs met elsewhere. Why should one's romantic life be a big concern for one's parents?

Peace

###

Remembering Jophil 1957-2011

 

[Iceberg]

There are certain occasions when I feel bad when a guy is exposed to a BPD woman. This is not one of those occasions.

You gave WAY TOO MUCH of yourself to a woman you barely knew. She has mental issues. This is true. But so do you. Because a man who has pride in himself would not become involved in such an arrangement. Especially not after 1 or 2 months of knowing a woman.

Sometimes we're right to accuse the woman of being the "bad guy" while the man is just an innocent White Knight trying to save her. In this situation, I see a collision of two very desperate people, dying to force themselves into a relationship when it obviously wasn't going to work.

So forget the woman. My concern is with YOU. Because the next time a pretty girl smiles at you, will you AGAIN go down the path of fixing her house problems, listening to her crazy stories, and tolerating her insanity?

In order for you to be with this woman for 12 weeks, you must have had a TERRIBLE loneliness in you. And you looked for a woman to fill that loneliness. That cannot be the way. The women you spend your time with should be the byproduct of an already happy, and healthy and successful life. To me, it sounds like you wanted to build your life AROUND the woman. And that is why you tolerated her insanity.

My theory about BPD.

BPD is caused by very early childhood trauma either sexual, physical and/or emotional.

In some cases, yes. But in plenty of other cases, I've seen girls from perfectly healthy families...sometimes WEALTHY families....who are just plain psychotic as$holes who simply enjoy inflicting pain. Some women have a legitimate source of BPD....and others are just bad people.

 

[Zarky]

nice posts OP but dayyam... the problem you need to fix is within yourself. Forget about BPD and start trying to understand why you yourself would put up with all that crap.

 

[Mouser]

Yes

Gentlemen,
Thank you for reading and responding.
I agree with each of your criticisms. They are true.
Just wanted lay out the truth of why I joined and posted on to SS today.
Jophil's past posts directly inspired me to tell the whole truth - so I have.

I'll keep reading here to learn how to liven up my real life so I won't be so prone to fall for the next beautiful smile from a girl.

Peace

 

[backbreaker]

she's not "bpd" you have a drug ***** on your hands. I'm not even trying to be funny i'm dead serious. I've been around too many to know one when I see one. your girl has had lots and lots and lots of sex for drugs. she's incapable of having a normal relationship with a man


the second she said "hep c" you should have jumped off the ship faster than that guy on the cruise line lol.


I seriously doubt she gets any enjoyment whatsoever from sex anymore. she just cuts off. it's not about enjoyment it's a means to an end.


this woman is beyond repair.

 

[Mouser]

She told me during the first few weeks of the 'honeymoon' that she had five years earlier in Norway received multiple psychiatric diagnoses including Bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and BPD. She stopped the medication herself because it 'screwed with her head'. At that early point in the relationship I (wrongly) said; 'you're not Borderline, that was wrong of the psychiatrist to label you as such'. She was not a cutter. Several weeks later I re-read the DSM-IV criteria - she met 6 of 9 even without infidelity.

Interesting about the drug question. Within three weeks of living together, I repairing her fence and home, her working 85% as a nurse, she began smoking hash 3-4 times a day saying: 'I really appreciate your (Canadian) tolerance of THC, it keeps me above the surface'.

She said the best she knew was a benzodiazepine tablet. She borrowed a girlfriend's (her only female friend) Lyrica as a sedation attempt without a prescription. She had no tolerance to alcohol and became a 'tramp' in front of me and then passed out on the toilet in our cabin under the influence on a weekend ferry boat cruise to Riga.

Drug abuse certainly evolved to be a big part of her 12 weeks with me. This after saying 'I don't drink' on our first wonderful dinner-date. She went to 2-3 AA meetings years ago but stopped because she 'couldn't see any point to them'.

 

[backbreaker]

Well she told me during the first few weeks of the honeymoon that she had multiple psychiatric diagnoses including Bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and BPD. At that point I said 'you're not Borderline, that was wrong of the psychiatrist to label you as such'. She was not a cutter. Several weeks later I reread the DSMIV criteria - she met 6 of 9 even without infidelity.

Interesting about the drug side. Within three weeks of living together I repairing her fence and home, her working 85% as a nurse, she began smoking hash 3-4 times a day saying: 'I really appreciate your (Canadian) tolerance of THC, it keeps me above the surface'.

She said the best she knew was a BDZ tablet. She borrowed a girlfriends Lyrica as a sedation attempt without a presciption. She had no tolerance to alcohol and became a 'tramp' in front of me under the influence on a ferry boat cruise to Riga.

Drugs were certainly a big part of her 8 weeks with me.

I would actually encourage the weed smoking from someone like this. it takes the edge off and dulls hard core drug cravings.

I have told plenty a recovering addict to go smoke a joint versus going to go buy an 8 ball of dope. the joint at the end of the day is just a joint.

 

[bmp2cpm]

She told me during the first few weeks of the 'honeymoon' that she had five years earlier in Norway received multiple psychiatric diagnoses including Bipolar, PTSD, ADHD and BPD. She stopped the medication herself because it 'screwed with her head'.

Interesting about the drug question.... her working 85% as a nurse, she began smoking hash 3-4 times a day saying.....THC, it keeps me above the surface'.

She had no tolerance to alcohol and became a 'tramp' in front of me and then passed out on the toilet......

Drug abuse certainly evolved to be a big part of her 12 weeks with me. This after saying 'I don't drink' on our first wonderful dinner-date.

She's not so much a drug abuser as someone with a mental illness who's trying to self medicate and treat her symptoms on her own with alcohol and illicit drugs. This is pretty common for people with mental illness. Even with lot's of medical help it takes years to find a good combination of prescription drugs that treat the symptoms effectively. Even then the prescription meds often have bad side effects like weight gain and diabetes. So these people get labeled as drug abuses, when really there's more going on under the surface.

 

[Zarky]

Lots of analysis here. Let me put it this way: If you walked into a room and saw a bomb sitting on a table and it was counting down from :10 seconds, would you worry about why it was there or would you run your ass off in the other direction?

 

[Mouser]

When I first walked in the room I saw a bomb I thought was diffused and laying in pieces on the table. I saw what I wanted to see.

Three months later I did run. I have now been total NC for 4 weeks. The relationship and my seeing a girl-next-door transform into a girl I wouldn't give more than the time of day to, ripped away years of layers I had accumulated over of my own issues.

This is perhaps the only positive result of the relationship. I am more aware of my own core issues, insecurities and loneliness than I have ever been in my entire life.

If and how I will use this acquired knowledge to change and better my life remains to be seen.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

I almost didn't read this thread due to the length..but I'm glad I did.

Look, first of all, for the love of god I've been smoking weed everyday for 10 years and I run, lift and climb one of them, daily, I write, make music, run a small business and work for a non-profit.

THC is nature's gift. IMHO.

But I will save my pro-pot arguments for another forum another time. I couldn't resist.

But let me say this--
This woman is FVCKED UP.

When a woman has had this much drama and mental trauma in her life, you have to understand she will never be able to give you what you want -- ESPECIALLY any emotional closeness.

She has been so damaged that she has in a sense sectioned off her mind. God knows what is going on in there. Sounds like lunatic selfish thoughts.

I am sorry you were exposed to such a mindfvck.

It has taken me some time, and some mental damage by women, to understand that also you are just as responsible for catering to her needs, supplicating her, and keeping the mindfvck train moving.

What I have learned now is you don't have to tolerate looney tunes. I'm not talking about the occasional friction point or stressful day -- I'm talking about being straight up nutso.

Recognize childhood abuse, severe drug addiction, homelessness as MAJOR RED FLAGS!

You are a doctor right?

Is this the quality of the woman you want your sperm going into?

Will this child be mentally healthy coming from a woman with such genetic stock?

OP, If I can make an observation: it sounds like you were so revved up wanting a girlfriend and a relationship, that when this woman gave you some positive feedback, you collapsed instantly. I'm not faulting you for this. I've had some very attractive women with some mental issues distract me before--and I've chosen poorly before (even more so why I am motivated to write this). At the end of the day, a relationship is not worth it if it is causing such intense drama in your life. Although it may seem a relationship will greater contribute to your happiness, that is an illusion. For only a healthy balanced one may actually increase your well-being. More often than not, a relationship can become quite a stressor, and a lot of times fvck with your mind and distract you from progress.

So a woman really should be a nice addition to your life.

Should not be the focus nor should you be upholding her mentally, emotionally or taking care of her house.

The fact she invited her daughter to sleep in the same bed as both of you, and the bit about running across the street, and the bit about former amphetamine user makes me think this woman isn't fit to be a parent period -- the doctors at the clinic should have tied her tubes. She's setting up her own child for some serious issues...and we wonder why the cycle of crazy keeps looping around and around again...

You need to find more self-worth.

If you truly had your own self-respect and self-worth, you wouldn't have tolerated even the second hip-kick.

But look we live and learn.

It seems like you are learning from this.

You have acquired some mental pain, part of it is your willingness to stay in a bad situation and be exposed to more...or even worse to let a crazy person close to your heart...but with time, you will recover...you will heal...these will drift into the past as experiences long ago...a distant dream...a past life...give it more time.

For the future -- let a woman prove her worth by her treating you well. Not like a king to be showered, but rather with real respect.

This woman never respected you and basically mooched your attention and help around the house.

If you fix a woman's fence--next time ask yourself: what is she doing for me in the same equivalent?

If you are giving..and giving more..and being patient..and then more patient..and all the while she is mindfvcking you, going hot and cold, withdrawing her affection...get that b!tch out the door and find a better one.

PS -- Mouser; I encourage you to read a bit about the hormone and neurochemical processes that occur in the human body and brain during 'sexual arousal and interest'....if you've known a woman for 3 weeks...you are floating in brain chemicals...love my man is something far deeper and proven.

 

[Mouser]

I am reading about serotonin and the intoxication of love. I think I have been an addict since age 16.

Than you again for taking the time to read and for your comments.

 

[5string]

Mouser

Don't take this wrong, but you need to unfvck yourself and leave chicks like this alone. You know better and that's why you posted. That sh!t is banging around in your head. Don't let it.

She's bad news.