My sisters JERK boyfriend

[Santos]

Sigh...he makes her cry and takes her forgranted yet she keeps seeing him. He obviously doesn't care about her. He says how he's sick of clubbing, leaves her at home last night and goes clubbing with his mates. Was supposed to take her out this morning at 7:15. Texts her at 3:00 and says he is drunk and will fetch her at 11:00, 13:00 he comes round.

I ask her, "Why are you still with this guy? He doesn't appreciate you, why don't you break up with him?" she says, "But he's not always like this."

We all know about the nice guy vs jerk debate. You see, it's always been confusing to me. I posted recently about how important our EGO is to us, and how if someone dates us, it boosts our confidence and our ego. When they leave us, or take us forgranted then our ego is hurt. Some of us mistake this feeling of pain for "love" or we think we "miss" the person, when it's just they make us feel good about ourselves, like we're worth something. When they stop caring we feel worthless.

It's a ****ty feeling. I know this because I was played by a female jerk recently. (Admittedly, I was being a jerk too and she beat me at my own game) You see I don't think women LOOK for jerks as boyfriends. What happens is they meet a guy that seems decent. They date and he makes her feel good about herself, then the jerk in him awakens. The more badly he treats her, the more she seeks his approval. She's so in "love" with him and wanting to make it work between them that she doesn't even notice the nice guys. The nice guys are always offering their apporval (compilemnts, etc), so the woman doesn't need to seek it. She wants the approval of the jerk because her ego NEEDS it.

When girls say they want "nice guys", they don't want nice guys. They mean they wish their @sshole boyfriends would be nice to them instead of mistreating them. I know plenty of women who are with guys that treat them just fine, their boyfriends have a jerk/nice-guy balance. It's just that there are a few women out there (like my sister) who have unfortunately met the wrong men. These jerks can manipulate them psychologically and hold on to these women for ages because they know how fragile the human ego is.

When a nice-guy tries to get a girl he likes to leave her BF, he is wasting his time because she is BLIND. She has to realise what is wrong, and there's nothing you can do. If you're a DJ, then I am sure there are ways.

Never under-estimate the power you have when you control someones ego. They are like putty in your hands.

Just my 2 cents
Santos

 

[squirrels]

That's why a Don Juan CONTROLS his ego, not vice-versa. No one should be able to control you by manipulating your emotions. That is a weakness that needs to be addressed.

 

[Santos]

Originally posted by squirrels
That's why a Don Juan CONTROLS his ego, not vice-versa. No one should be able to control you by manipulating your emotions. That is a weakness that needs to be addressed.

I am trying to learn to do this. Any advice?

 

[Gold Heart]

Originally posted by Santos
I am trying to learn to do this. Any advice?

Pretend you're someone else, viewing YOUR problem. Have people you can rely on that is outside of the action to tell you what you're doing wrong, but someone who is NOT BIASED, and that's important. Or else they'll just advise you to do what THEY want to see, and not what's best for you.

If your girlfriend rejects you in some way and you are now seeking her approval, STEP BACK and look at the situation. Take yourself out of your own shoes and then tell yourself what's the best option. Often, we know the best course of action to take but we JUST DON'T TAKE IT because of our ego. And that's when you need to tell your ego to f-ck itself and do what's best for you.

Hope that helps.

 

[becker]

Santos, in a way, I would have loved to have grown up with a sister like yours, because I'm sure there would be a lot of learning about women. I'm in a family that's 3 guys (one's my dad) and a girl (my mom). I'm not going to talk about these things with my mom because it's a little awkward to me to discuss things that are sort of personal like that.

Anyways, I think that all guys start out nice, and some show their true colors later, like you said. If a girl gets around too many of these wolves in sheeps clothing, she starts to make generalizations, hence the question arises, "are there any nice guys out there?" I think there are definitely some genuinely nice guys out there who are not total d*cks (like me ) but you meet some girl who's jaded and she puts you through the wringer with all these tests to see if you're another one of those wolves. In the end, it's all these a$$holes that are spoiling it for the rest of the guys. Sort of like a lot of bad apples.

My ex-GF tried to hold onto me forever, and I was all sweet in the beginning, but I'll tell you what happened. I found that I had nothing in common with the girl. The only thing we did all the time was mess around, no real substance (and the thing is, she knew this too, but somehow wanted to change me into someone that fit her). She would take me to her church, try to get me to hang out with people who she got along with (but I didn't really), etc. I just wasn't about that, and I broke up with her. She wouldn't accept it, and I just told her look, we're like 2 birds of a completely different feather, we have nothing to talk about when we're together, and you're trying to make me into something I'm not.

Just goes to show you though, when you do find a girl that you really click with, it's a gem, and you should never take it for granted. Despite the saying I always hear that there are always plenty of fish in the sea, it doesn't matter, because just because there are many, it doesn't mean you will find many that are compatible with you. It's really still a search for a diamond in the rough, regardless of what people say. This is the reason for one-itis, but it's a legitimate reason because we all know how hard it is to find that one person that you like on so many levels.

 

[legolas]

I find that girls like your sister, have problems with their self-worth and self-image. Having a poor self-image, these girls are very insecure so they tend to cling to whoever it is they are with, and that includes emotionally and sometimes even physically abusive boyfriends. Because the only thing that these guys do, is give attention and approval in very small portions while having their way with them. The poor self-image is exactly why she seeks approval and attention, because she doesn't think much of herself and she doesn't think she deserves better.

I've also found insesurity to be a key factor in a girl's deciding to go out with you or not and stay with you or not. Insecurity can come from different reasons, and the most common one of them is physical, body shape, face etc. When you're insecure you seek approval, and when you get it, you feel good. It's like a drug. But imagine that drug being limited in supply, and further imagine that you had absolutely no idea when you were going to get your next dose. It's a positive reinforcement with a random schdule (see a psych text book or google on this). The more random the schedule of the reinforcement, the longer you're willing to wait to get it.

The jerk boyfriend has it all set up for him, and all he has to do is give her attention whenever he feels like it.

Now I'll try to argue why they stay with the guy. I think the number one reason is familiarity with that person. Number two is always insecurity. First of all, they already know their jerk boyfriends, they are familiar with them. It takes time to familiarize yourself (ie. get to know) somebody new. Since they already know someone, and since people are lazy by nature and always seek shortcuts, they don't want to do the work to get to know someone new. Insecurity plays a strong role in this equation as well. You don't think you can do better than what you have. And sometimes, even if you do, you still tend to cling to what you got.

So I hope to have made visible some parts of the equation that are always invisible when guys see interactions between males and females. They only see it from the perspective of what is that guy doing that is CAUSING the girl to be attracted to him. Well in most cases that part is only half of the euqation. The other half is in the girl's mind.

 

[becker]

legolas, great insight, I agree with most of your post. I think that this is one reason why we sometimes see average blokes with HBs. Sometimes HBs can be so incredibly insecure that they tend to see security in a guy who is not as good looking just so that they know they won't get dumped. It's a strange phenomenon, but consider these guys lucky bastards, because they are probably in control of the relationship.

Pisses me off when I see this, because you feel so bad for the girl, and it's worse if you're attracted to her.