My renaissance [Journal of approaches and self improvement]

[Coffeebazooka]

Havent been here since I came here last time and whined about how sorry I felt for myself. This place have always felt like home and I really love you guys.

Well stuff came crashing down a few months back and I felt such a horrible pang of loneliness. Everything had been fine before and I was content but then it changed. I realized something needed to be done. I dont seem to be able to land myself a decent girl.

I was supposed to go out today and do some crash and burns in the club but as it turned out the line to the nightclub was very long so I left before I even got inside. So instead I thought Ill start a "journal" to keep me motivated in making a change in my life.


Short term goals:

- Work on kino
- Establishing more EC
- Clearing out as much sugar as possible from diet.
- Wheening myself of coffee
- Do seven approaches per week, this week is the exception where Ill do 4. Approaches must be to women and women that i find attractive! No cheating!


Major goal

Find a good girl who is fit for a LTR. Sleeping around was never my thing.


Heres how I look:

Me face
Me body

Feel free to critisize if there is anything I could improve looks wise or if there is something which is blatantly wrong in your eyes. Im not really putting all that much effort into looks, just try to keep in shape and dress comfortable. Im pretty happy with how I look even though I know im not the prettiest guy around.


To prove my dedication Im putting my soul on the altar of sacrifice, should I fail to do what I have set out for myself may my soul be cursed forever.

 

[harkkam08]

hey man looking forward to it. Major respect for taking this step. Maybe I'll be inspired from seeing you succeed.

You and me have the same goal as well. I dont want to sleep like a rock star but get good at filtering women and find a good woman.

You're in much better shape than I am, and I am kind of surprised that a guy like you would have trouble. I guess it goes to show its all about confidence and game.

 

[Kenny Powers]

I'm with you guys, wouldn't complain about having some ONS and sleeping around, but my main goal is to get a quality girl, one who I am attracted to for her appearance and personality.

Props for posting a picture that was pretty ballsy. And just cause you did I'll admit that your not a bad looking dude.

Best of luck and keep us updated

 

[todays_news]

Find a good girl who is fit for a LTR. Sleeping around was never my thing.

dont be in such a rush to be domesticated, theres plenty of love to go around. why spend it all on one person right away? I man needs options and shouldn't rely on any one person for anything, including relationships. Obviously when you get to marriage etc. This alters, slightly?

Based on your appearance, theres nothing wrong but approach approach approach and get some confidence, you could and should be doing a lot better my man!

 

[blueline]

You're going to do fine, man. You're not bad looking at all, just keep it light and give those bitches some sass.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Some boring important changes

Hey guys! Im happy to see there are some people out there with roughly the same goals as me. Im with Kenny Powers, wouldnt say no to ONS even if its not the focus. Getting a good relationship is just a long term goal and one day even getting a family. Its not like Ill throw a dart out the window and grab the first woman it hits. Theres plenty of time to explore the different possibilites.

Not really a vanity thread but I do appreciate the positive responses about my looks, its a nice change from the 9 years of being told I was butt ugly. ^^ Now I know how attention *****s must feel.






Started making some changes. First thing I did was to throw out all my coffee that I had left and go cold turky to be rid of it. Ive averaged at least 6-8 cups a day lately and getting no caffeine at all have left me feeling exhausted, light nausea and an otherwordly headache. I told my friends that if they saw me drink a single cup of coffee then I had to pay them 75$ each. Was supposed to do some approaches today but the tiredness and the headache left me pretty unsocial so i went and worked out which made me feel worse and got home and slept. I feel a lot better now, calmer and more at peace. Havent had any sugar either.



Yesterday I was working with some uni stuff in a group pretty much all day. There were two girls (one good looking and one ok looking) who were sitting at a table away from us with a movable wall in between us so we couldnt see each other. I couldnt really leave the group to go chat with them because of group work.



One time when we had a few minutes to spare while one guy were writing stuff up one guy had an umbrella with him and being bored he balanced it in his hand. I asked to try it and stood up and started doing it. I focused on the umbrella probably looking stupid but to keep it balanced I had to move so I moved towards the girls and then I purposly made it nearly fall on one of the girls. She raised her hands and I caught it before it hit her, then I looked in her eye, smiled and said something I cant remember. She laughed. Not an approach per see but it felt good actually doing something. Im just not ready to approach people in front of friends since they wouldnt understand. I feel so damn misplaced sometimes.


Anyways, a new day tomorrow and Im feeling psyched to get some real approaches in so my soul remains uncursed.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Went down to campus today to find some people to approach. Walked around for about an hour and found like 90% guys, some ugly girls and not a single attractive woman who were by herself or with a girlfriend. Approach anxiety was through the roof. Ill go out instead tonight and do some crash and burns to get rid of it, it feels like too much to start doing day game with attractive women at a place where I need to mind my social status. God I feel like a *****, still got 3 more days until the end of this week though.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

At least got two approaches done tonight. I feel like such a loser, I went there by myself and got asked like 4-5 times why I was there alone. I made up an excuse that a friend bailed on me.

I ****ing hate the whole college bull****. Most of the **** that is happening feels so goddamn immature. Its a pain trying to be involved with it and I truly do not enjoy it. But it seems to be the only way to meet people.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Allright, Im definitly gonna add no drinking to my goals. It is just social pressure thing and it screws with my training and it screws with my body and mind. At least Im coffee and processed sugar free, might as well go all the way and exclude alcohol as well.

Last post was a bit vocal about college stuff but it seems like everyone is in some wierd intoxicated state. Slamming themselves against the college experience mold and become xerox copies of each other so they to can "have the time of their life". Wierd thing is that people dont really radiate happiness, it seems to be more of a OCD in a desperate attempt to not go past unnoticed. I mean doing some wierd **** like running a plastic car down a hill with a blindfold on can be fun from time to time but it is just way to much.

I think the obvious problem I have is that I try to relate to **** I cant relate to and it is just not possible to fake it and go "this is soooooo fun" about lame stuff. Im into sports, arts, music and stuff like that, maybe Im just searching at the wrong places.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Time for an update. Hopefully you guys will not be disappointed in me but I feel I have made a big difference in my life. I realized that I was approaching this from the wrong perspective. I feel so much more happy now then when I wrote the first post. I was a bit bitter and full of anger, so much can chance in a weeks time.

I have never wanted to become a PuA so why am I forcing myself to do cold approaches and wasting time on that? I have shifted my focus from getting a woman to improving my life and taking up hobbies I enjoy instead. Dont get me wrong I am not gonna stop getting contact with women but I will NOT go to clubs or do cold approaches but instead I have set up an internet dating thing, it seems to go well and it is cheaper and more convenient than going to clubs.

Besides one cheat meal on sunday I havent had a single bad meal, no cofffee since 13 days and after the 20th november Im gonna stop drinking alcohol completly. The thing is that I have stopped some hobbies I really enjoyed and I want to take them up again. One old hobby was to paint warhammer figures which I enjoyed immensly even though it is very nerdy, I also wanna get back into playing role playing games, pick up hiking and learning to rock climb. I did the last thing very briefly and it was really, really fun. Gonna talk to a friend also and see if she would be up for going for dancing lessons.

Take care guys and best of luck in your endeavours as well. :rockon:

 

[Chickfight]

It sounds like you just gave up. That's dissapointing.

 

[loonik]

This is awesome bro. Women should never be the center of your attention.
As for me, my take on my life is this: I aim to improve myself first; women are only a compliment to my wonderful life, put here on earth as entertainment.

 

[macallik]

Although meeting women on a dating site is cheaper than meeting them in the club, meeting them on a street is completely free...

Meeting women you find attractive in day to day life is not being a PUA, it is being a guy that goes after what he likes

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Haha, no man I havent given up, not by a long shot. I was thinking about cold approaches though and I asked myself what I had to offer women. I thought about it long and hard but what I came up with was nothing. In my eyes there were nothing special about me and that epiphany made me realize why I havent been successful earlier, it was like selling a product I didnt believe in. No matter how many cold approaches I do I will never change that unless I approach in another way.

In an effort to fit in, to be social and not to stick out I had cut off the things I enjoyed and become some sort of social robot. In hindsight I realized the thing that scared me the most was if a woman would scratch the surface and discover there were nothing beneath the outer shell. Discovering I was an impostor so to speak. So that is the reason I want to get back in touch with the real me. When I improved myself the last time it seems it was just about getting a woman so that when I got a woman I would be happy. This time I will focus on me and what makes me happy.

Macallik, I agree with every word. Talking to women is not that hard or striking up a quick convo and it is just so much easier to try to find out who they are/have fun together instead of trying to pick them up. I took up the internet thing because I dont want to pick up women at campus, last time I did it the atmosphere became stale and I dont want rumors spreading about me screwing up my rep.

Loonik, sounds like very wise words to live by. What goals have you set for yourself?

 

[Coffeebazooka]

I can hardly believe that so much have happened the last month, there have been so much upheaval and change that I feel like a completly new person. There have been anger, pain, tears, happiness and fear. Overall the impact on my life have been amazing.

Where do I start? Well I guess with myself, I have found the answers as to why I have been both lonely and been having so much trouble connecting with people and getting girlfriends. All this time I have felt like there have been something wrong with me. A thousand different problems all appearing in different parts of my life with cause unknown. These problems have debilitated me since I haven't been able to find what was causing them. These things also led me to being tired, depressed, didn't feel much emotion and generally just being bored all the time.

At the start of this month I realized that all these problems have a common cause rooted in my childhood. The beliefs about myself haven't really changed. In my mind I was worthless, ugly, pathetic and wierd. Trying to build relationships with that mindset about myself have proven difficult. Somehow the brain doesn't seem to be evaluating the beliefs one have about oneself.


So what have happened?

Well I read about a page which listed different characteristics of having an alcoholic in the family and it all applied to me. Everything which was wrong in my life and every problem could be linked to a certain event. This was an immense relief as I found a REASON for feeling like I did. I could stop beating me up for being pathetic, useless, having bad genes and other stuff and work against the single problem instead. I had been drifting like a ship wihtout engines, the currents taking me everywhere at their whim. Now when I could identify the problem it was like the engine room lit all the boilers and put full speed ahead.

I was time to smash limiting beliefs. One of these beliefs was that I was unworthy to find a job because I was worthless and useless. In less than a week I had found a job and now I am working full time and saving up money. Not having money was another issue for me which made me feel very unsecure. That first belief was smashed. It was very hard though, my subconscious tried to talking me out of going to the interview and I had to push through my mental barriers to actually succeed. This have been true for many things after that. When people invite me to be with them the initial reaction is that of "leave me alone" in my mind. This is probably some sort of safety mechanism.

Another negative belief I had was that I was wierd and no one ever wanted me to be their friend or being my girlfriend. When I was at a group interview for my job I started to talk to people (I dont have problem with social interaction at all, Im actually bold just that I believed no one ever liked me because I was a useless human being). Well I was surprised that women actually wanted to talk to me and they laughed at my jokes and were very friendly, the guys welcomed me with open arms as well. It felt awesome. Now I have started to make more friends at my workplace, people come asking me for help, they ask me to come join them at the lunch breaks and they often call my name to get my opinion on something. This I have NEVER experienced before.

My normal interaction is that I become stale and try to be "normal". Now I have been myself instead with all the kinks and flaws and people doesnt bully or call me an ugly pathetic loser. I have got several compliments on my body (diminishing my belief that I am an ugly loser) and people seem to enjoy being near me. I have never thought it would be possible that I could be myself and be liked for it.

My father whom I have very bad relationship to because of his drinking problems have always been a constant reminder of how pathetic I am. I can see it in his eyes when I met him. I called him up and told him I never wanted to speak to him again.

I also realized that I have had many friends who were not friends. Several whom I hang out with because I didn't want to be alone. I am going to cut these ties. Some of my friends I found newfound respect for and I have started to mend the relationships with them as well as with my brother. Since I didn't think anyone would like me I let my relationships crumble by never contacting people, this have changed. I also try to let people inside and share who I truly am as a symbol of trust and telling people that I appreciate them.

With all the emotions which poured out when I discovered this I have had really bad ups and downs, crying my eyes out, being happy, raging and similar it seems to have stabilized now. To deal with it I have contacted someone who can help me deal with it and to move on. Don't get me wrong I am not ****ed up in the head like that but it is hard to deal with stuff in solitude.



The physical and psychical change have been immense. Normally I slept 10 hours a day and was tired the entire day. Now I sleep 7 hours a day and have loads of energy. I guess the physical burden really put a damper on my energy. The best thing is that I feel at ease with myself, I am happy with who I am and my accomplishments. It literally feels like I have been in hell and just emerged from it. My mother and her husband have been amazing seeing me through this, I truly love them both. The best part is that I can feel emotions again which I was nearly unable to do before. The deep emptiness inside have diminished and I don't feel as depressed as before.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

I'm not sure that anyone is actually reading this but it doesn't really matter, it is a nice way to get my thoughts together.

Was out in the clubs a bit and it was really great. Went with the whole attitude of not caring about getting women and I ended up having a great time, went there with really comfortable clothes and didn't even fix my hair. Said hi to people, small talked a bit and generally just being me. People responded nicely and some women as well. Some women acted really stuck up but it was actually quite fun because I genuinly didn't care because somehow I am not impressed by just looks anymore. It seems my self confidence is through the rood and my self worth is rock stable.

I met this girl though who I hadn't met for a while and we talked a lot during the night. There was this other guy who were hitting on her a LOT. He showered her with attention and emotions, listening to every word he said. My instinct told me to get her attention but instead I acted more distant while they talked and talked to others because I knew this girl got turned off by men who gave too much attention. My buddy said I should back off and let the guy **** up on his own instead of trying to sink his game.

Danced with her later and she seemed to have really fun. It'll be exciting to see how things turn out. She is really pretty; probably an 8, exactly the right height, 110 lbs and a really nice personality. In the past she would have intimidated me but now I somehow feels that I deserve a girl like her and that she would feel great about having a guy like me in her life.

Well that's it I guess. Trying my new pickup method, networking instead of just apprioaching random women.

 

[Re-ac-tor]

Adda boy. That's all I'll say - breathe it in.

 

[Coffeebazooka]

Cheers m8, didn't work out like I had planned but Im going for a friendship with her instead. She is really cool to hang out with anyways.

Stuff is looking pretty bright atm and you know, there are simply no boundries holding me back atm. I know where to go and how to go there I just need to put on my boots and actually start walking.

New goals

Old goals were just things I picked at random when it came to women. I couldn't see a path between my situation and how to actually achieve them. Now it is different. I have been analyzing myself and found several things in my personality which I must fix. Here they are - new goals:

Behavior
- Stop debatting with other people, I just love to debate about different things but it stears up a bit too much ****. I'm gonna start agreeing more with people and keep my opinions to myself for the most part.
- Stop whining like a ***** about my problems or fishing for sympathy. No one likes to listen to that **** and it's not good to get a bad rep because of it. Ill share it with really close friends. Im not spewing emotions at people but sometimes I say some bad ****.
- Stop complaining about how hard it is in school or at work. I actually got the right to complain since Im essentially doing twice the work of most people on campus but it doesn't really help me to complain about it.
- Stop using my intellect / knowledge too much. Without being an ass Im pretty damn intelligent and it puts people off looking stupid in comparison. Im gonna try to tone it down and use with people who appreciate intellectual humor. I allready get complaints because I use words people doesn't understand.
- Give people a bit more compliments but not overdoing it.
- Learn to shut up more and listen.
- Say "yes" to more things, be a bit more of a yes man.
- Try to alter my desire of solitude and do stuff with people instead of sitting alone at computer or watching movies.


Networking
- Start some new sports, get a lifting partner. Atm, Im working out alone and I think sports is a good way to meet friends.
- Party more - OK, **** not drinking alcohol. It is mandatory to drink and go to parties if you want some influence on people at campus. I don't like the whole thing all that much but if you can't beat them, join them.
- Nurture the relationships I allready have and cut off bad ones. I got a few people in my life who is sapping life energy from me. They do not talk, they are depressed and all that which I used to be and I really can't have people like that around me. They also loathe everything that has anything to do with campus activities.

Style
- Work on fixing my pad. It looks awful atm, not a single thing on the walls, it just reeks of desperation. Getting some cheap stuff to put on the wall, keeping it clean all the time, getting new bed sheats and stuff like that. Getting some basic types of alcohol, I was thinking something like this: (feel free to add stuff):

Captain Morgan Dark rum
Bacardi rum
Vodka - Jeltzin Bag in box ^^
Kahlua or sim
Cointreau
Passoa
Ouzo 12
Creme de cacao of some kind
Some form of blended (Grants, Ballantines, chivas regal or The famous grouse)
Jack Daniells
Some form of malt (Laphroig, isle of jura, bruichladdich, bushmill, bowmore, or similar, prob an irish and a scottish islay)
Some form of Gin (beefeter, gordons or sim)
Some form of Sake
Tequila
Absinthe
A bottle or two of whine and a keg of beer.
That should get me started.

- Get some nice clothing and a new winter jacket.


Gonna take a few weeks to get this stuff off the ground. I've been working my ass of to get money to make a positive change in my life.

 

[GotGame]

Holy **** man your goals sound exactly like mine

Good for you though, keep the positive change.

My problem has always been smoking weed instead of drinking but I've come to realize the same things as you. Key is to make small changes and what I've done is kept a to-do list on me at all times, making sure I do at least one thing a day.

Good luck, keep progress posted.

EDIT: Hey if you've got time to take a look at my story too I'd really appreciate it