My reconstruction

[Live-n-learn]

I'm looking for advice from those who've already gone through a lot in their lives. I believe I REALLY need the help and feedback would be much appreciated. This post may seem like rambling as I'm just typing some of the things that are running through my mind.

I feel I just need to start over. Everything.

I'm just running in circles, or it's probably just the existential angst that's gotten a hold of me. Here I am, stuck in an office job that's not going anywhere, doesn't pay well; it's just a job for me to do, I could care less. On the other hand, I'm grateful that I at least have this job in this horrible economy. But I'm not alive. I'm sucked into the world of 9-5 and slave away to the comfy daily routine. My indifference is my own undoing. What happened to us? When we were kids, we were excited about everything. How did we come to learn such apathy? Where has my fire gone? What is there to believe in today? Just yourself? It's as if I want figure it out so bad, so I'm chasing it but it's evading me. My undiscovered "passion" is DJing ME in that sense! How's that for self-ownage?

At this point, you might be thinking, where's the part about a girl? It's usually about a girl, no? Yes, it was a girl that made me realize that I really need to rebuild myself. My username is false; I'm NOT living and learning at the moment. If I was learning, I would not keep falling into this situation again and again. The situation I get myself into is becoming enamored with a woman who is kinda generally shy, has a quiet voice, but friendly in general, cute/adorable and hot at the same time, and reacts positively to me during our interactions...and has a boyfriend. That is my type (w/o the boyfriend part though); it's my f'n kryptonite.

This time around, it's a girl who's about my age (I'm turning 25 this year). She lives with her boyfriend and they've been together for a few years, living together for several months. Forgot to mention that she WAS a co-worker, but I'm not in her department. She got laid off recently, along with a few other coworkers. She's usually quite positive in demeanor. She appears to be the homely type, who generally prefers to stay in, and not too materialistic as suggested by her choice of clothing, and how she wears/rotates the same set of clothes every few weeks or so, versus some other women at work who seem to have an outfit for every day of the year!

Our thing was that we'd bump into each other quite often in the lunchroom (also coming at the same time through the hallway towards each other etc.), and she acknowledged that. I'm sure sometimes it was a coincidence but other times I suspect they're not, as those who like you, will find ways to be around you. The first time she brought that up, I told her it was because she was stalking me, to which she replied "maybe" in a teasing manner. Throughout the couple months, I'd do my own thing and kept busy at my department (kept my distance) and just casually chatted her up whenever we'd bump into each other, cuz we know we would bump into each other sooner or later. SHe usually says she doesn't have any plans for the weekend whenever I ask her, other than grocery shopping etc. which leads me to believe her boyfriend is a bore-friend. HOwever she seems happy usually, not to mention she's so invested into him (years into relationship, live together, their families get along well together, etc.). Somewhere along the way, I went from "ah fu<k it, she's too invested in someone else already, so just keep it casual" to "I'm continuing to keep it casual, but I think I can have her get with me instead". During that transition was when I probably idealized her in my mind. I'm sure she's not as "well put-together" as she seems, as there's hints of a mischevious side of her that I can detect. MOst importantly, my downfall was I didn't take action, I just reacted. I make her laugh even if sometimes what I said wasn't funny, had her break the silence in the conversations by asking me questions, but I didn't take action to ask to spend time outside of work with me. Since she was laid off, she didn't really get a chance to say goodbye to the people she worked with so I'm gonna see if I can get in touch with her with no dependence on outcome. The fact of the matter is it's already too late. I lack courage right now, and I need it more than ever.

Going in circles again, back to what was stated previously, how do I fill this huge void in my life? The answer's not a woman, it's not a job, what is it? A hobby? Won't that eventually get tired? Doesn't everything get tired sooner or later I think I might be looking for something of permanence, but nothing stays permanent right? Change is the only constant. If that's the case, aren't we always in the searching (sorta like "life is a journey and not a destination" type of thing?)? Are we more or less the same as a headless chicken wandering aimlessly?

Hope I didn't ramble on that much. If you've read this whole post, thank you. I might have to edit this post later. There were so many thoughts going through my mind that I couldn't keep up with getting them down. I'm quite lost, drifting along in limbo and in need of guidance.

 

[Unbridled_Phoenix]

If it is to live and learn that you desire, then a new hobby is exactly what you need. The hobby I speak of, is to chase greatness. It is the chase for greatness that is great, not whatever prideful spoils we accumulate along the way. The pot of gold is the chase for the pot of gold, and for each man it is something he must define.

How do we chase something as elusive and impossible as greatness? By listening to our hearts and our desires, which are shown to us in our dreams of the day. What thing is it that tempts you, that challenges you to conquer it? What would you do, if it were not for *fill in the blank*. What is that you must make yourself uncomfortable to seek to achieve? When are you as alive, as but when you have done something you thought you could or would never do?

The means to this end is to push your comfort zone. You are in a rut, do you possess the courage to break out of it? Let me tell you, it is not pleasant, nor should it be. It is a journey I am undertaking now myself. And there are no women, no supporters, no warm blankets in the night. But in my heart, I know it is right, regardless of how different and strange I feel. I am breaking out of the rut I've been in my entire life, the rut of passive comfort.

I am seeking to achieve the things which have taunted me and to leave behind the things which have haunted me.

In my case, I got out of an LTR a couple months ago, have begun a new job in gut-wrenching sales, and have radically adjusted my perceptions and thoughts about life. In the midst of this, a hunger for greatness has promised to consume me if I do not fulfill it.

I have always enjoyed the guitar, so I created a job for myself as a guitar teacher. I went into the YMCA I work out at and said, "You should offer guitar lessons. I'm your man." And now I am responsible for creating a guitar teaching curriculum and starting lessons June 1. There is a newspaper starting up in my area that will only report positive news. I have always been a good writer, so I put a portfolio together and got myself hired as a contributing investigative reporter. My outside sales job is something I can almost do in my free time, so when I find a company I want to work 9-5 at, I will get hired there. And if I meet resistance, I am prepared to handcuff myself to their front desk until I am hired.

The answer you seek is this: Your fulfillment is equal to how hard you have worked, your joy to how hard you have suffered. To get where you want to be, you will have to work hard and suffer. Courage is always the answer, waiting patiently for us to unfvck ourselves.

 

[sodbuster]

You seem to need a goal in life. Figure out where you want to be in 10 years and start moving toward it. Then maybe you can get excited about it. Don't get so invested in the "in 10 years, I'll be happy" idea-be happy with the progress you are making toward the goal. Even my dad at 73 has goals.

Just don't be surprised when you achieve your goals-and aren't any happier.There are problems with achieving your goals,you just haven't found them yet For instance, I wanted a wife and kids[the best and worst things in 1 little package]- got a nagging wife and kids waking you up every 3 hours for about 5 years[lack of sleep for 5 years]. Am I glad I have them? YOU BET! Did they cause their won set of problems?yes[don't have the wife anymore]Having money a problem? Would you have liked to be invested in the market?

I guess part of being a man is having the guts to"cowboy up" or as VU would say"carry on soldier"

 

[sodbuster]

don't know how I can double post,my fingers aren't that fast

 

[slickaz]

be happy with today.
If you're not, make a list of things that will make you happy.

Like for example, im a big unit, i do alot of weight training and consider myself very fit, and im physically NOT meant to sit on a 9-5. My father was a navy seal and my his father was a veteran from world war 2.
Ive always wanted to be on the SWAT team. But that is something i did not see as an option as a kid ("fvk the police" and all that what i was growing up)

Anyway, i go out and do physically challenging hobbies, like rock climbing and football. But i realized that was not enough. A friend introduced me to paintball teams. I joined up got my gear and now i DO run around with guns shooting people, only i shoot paint and its safe. But its AWESOME team sport. its such a manly game especially when you work as a team using strategy to achieve objectives and targets, you wont believe the thrill you get. It feels almost like how our forefathers wouldve, chasing a target throught bush and rock.

Then on the other side i also take salsa etc.
I teach drums at Church and that keeps me busy.

Saturdays i spend layed up in my garae under my newly purchased R34 Nissan GTR upgrading and tunning it.

each day i spend about 3 to 4 hours and extra time going through my business dealings. its in a lull thanks to the economy.

Sunday goes to God.

At the end of the day when i come home, i feel like ive had a good mix of hobby's and work.


Its given me a new perspective of work, because now, work is not the focus of my day, its a means to fuel my hobby.But, when im at work, now i can focus more, because its just something that is going to pay towards my new Paintball gun, or an upgrade on my car, or a new cymbal for my drum kit.

Also, i dont revolve my life around work, i revolve it around the hobby that im doing that day.

I would sincerely suggest taking up a physically challenging hobby, gym, swimming, rock climbing, dance, team sport etc.

Dont start falling into that never ending circle of self pity, because work is work, it was always only meant to feed you and pay towards your life and interests. If not, you could work at KFC and earn just enough to survive.

But thats not what you wanna do, you have interests and tastes that you want to spend resources on (in most cases, money) so you work a higher paying job, to pay towards it. So consider your job as a task that needs to be done that will pay towards your tastes and hobbies.

About the girl: Let it go, it is never good to steal another man's girl. Karma will bite you in the 4ss, if she doesnt hurt you first by leaving you for someone else.
Besides, when you have so many hobbies, businesses and other dealings to handle, you will realize a man is not judged by the number of women he has had. Or the fact that he has consistently been loved by a number of women.

You will realize you will get fitter and get focussed, women will notice this, you will have more to talk about when you are on dates or first meetings. You will have more b4lls as you take more risks and get confident in your hobbies etc to approach different women. and always remember, no matter HOW hot she is, there is ALWAYS another girl who is hotter who has just as much dramas as the girl you are looking at.

A girl is never worth losing your confidence over, so put the women aside, you'll get more women when you focus on YOU. dont make work your life, think of the hour you spend there as a payment towards something else and the better you do it, the better your goal will feel when you get it.

I love buying new parts for my car, and every hour i spend at work, in the back of mind i think, gotta get that exhaust system on friday. When friday comes i know ive spent a good hard week working for this. and it TASTES GOOOOOOOOD!!!

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Live-n-learn, put an age on your profile and I'll leave this thread here.

 

[Frenchconnection]

Great replies guys! Hobbies and the pursuit of greatness are great ways to keep yourself busy and improve yourself.


But how do you deal with the loneliness and the constant frustrating dating experiences?

 

[sodbuster]

:nono: If you think dating is frustrating, try marriage. I was more alone in my marriage bed than I've been since.

When you are panning for gold: [1] you need to know what gold is,[2] you need to pan alot of different streams before you find it. Until you know what you want,you don't know where to look for it

 

[Live-n-learn]

That's the thing, don't hobbies/activities get tired as well? What's the point? Do one thing, get bored of it sooner or later, then you're back at square one with a blank look on your face asking yourself "what's next?". What really is the difference btwn people and headless chickens? They seem to both be running around aimlessly with no point. It's like we'll always be stuck in search of something, for the next thing to do.

I'm just so frustrated with myself. Why can't I find something I'm passionate about? How can I find out what I want?

In regards to the girl, how do i avoid this situation with my kryptonite type of girl? Am i scarred for life and cannot possibly interact w/ 1 ever again?
Do i just completely avoid them all even though some of them would be interested in me? I can't keep falling into this time and time again. It's ridiculous.

 

[decades]

you are attracted to unavailable "wounded doves". you want to love them and take care of them because you feel so sorry for them.

 

[NewMan]

I found I have changed as I've grown older - what interested me in my 20's no longer does - Sports I played 10 years ago - I can no longer take part in.

Your life will cycle through interest's and passions - but you need to put perspective to your life.

I would imagine that you have to much time on your hands - and not enough mental stimilation.

Your on cruise control - and there's times in our lives that we all do this. The economy is not the best - and many of us should be thankful for a job - but now is the time to figure out where you go from here - what will be the next development in your career? Do you need to take classes? a career change? Your carrer should be challenging, and rewarding. If it's not, it's time to make a change - luckily your at an age when this is possible - don't wait 10 years to do it.

You must like to spend your time doing something - be it hiking, reading, music or video games with friends. Find that passion - but getting your career on track will help.

Finally - review your friends. Surround yourself with men that will push and challenge you - to make you the best you can be.

Stop sitting around an watching life pass you by - you will regret it.