Packers2010
Master Don Juan
this is a very hard post for me to make. back when i was 5 i did things I'm not proud of. so much so that i have come to the conclusion that it is affecting my social life.
( I know it feels like lately all i have done is been negative through my posts. which is true. though i am have been working through a lot these past few weeks. my home life is so negative it's starting to wear me down. )
when i feel like someone is getting close to me ( a girl, i have a few friends but I'm never that close with them.. maybe one or 2 i am not mostly I'm not) i push them away. I PURPOSELY screw up the situation so they leave. what i mean by this is. i never show who i truly am. who i TRULY feel is someone who no one will like. someone who if i told someone they wouldn't like me. i know because i just noticed this with the girl i was texting. everything was going good, then i freak out and make them not like me any more.
you know that feeling you get when your been 100% honest with someone and your talking with them on that level. i feel as if I can't do that. I'm not sure if i have spoken about this before, though i feel it now more then ever.
you know the person you feel you are deep down in your soul. that spot where when the girl sees it she will see into you. my spot there is damaged and it can't be fixed
i wanted to open up to girls but i feel as if they ever find out they will freak and leave. so before that happiness i drive them away with my chodey behaviour.
this isn't an excuse for anything as for i have seen it and felt it before. i get WAY to needy and validation seeking. it hits this spot that will drive them away.
when i get asked " who i am" the 2 thoughts that come up into my head are " i don't know" or " rapist" ( I'm not going to tell you why, but it's a something i did when i was 5 and it's not cool. not cool at all!)
writing this is surly going to kill any reputation i have here, but i don't care. I need to sort this out. I need to feel someone diffident someone i can be proud off. I'm not talking about the person on the surface I'm talking about beep down in that spot.
can someone help me out here.. help me over come this?
( I know it feels like lately all i have done is been negative through my posts. which is true. though i am have been working through a lot these past few weeks. my home life is so negative it's starting to wear me down. )
when i feel like someone is getting close to me ( a girl, i have a few friends but I'm never that close with them.. maybe one or 2 i am not mostly I'm not) i push them away. I PURPOSELY screw up the situation so they leave. what i mean by this is. i never show who i truly am. who i TRULY feel is someone who no one will like. someone who if i told someone they wouldn't like me. i know because i just noticed this with the girl i was texting. everything was going good, then i freak out and make them not like me any more.
you know that feeling you get when your been 100% honest with someone and your talking with them on that level. i feel as if I can't do that. I'm not sure if i have spoken about this before, though i feel it now more then ever.
you know the person you feel you are deep down in your soul. that spot where when the girl sees it she will see into you. my spot there is damaged and it can't be fixed
i wanted to open up to girls but i feel as if they ever find out they will freak and leave. so before that happiness i drive them away with my chodey behaviour.
this isn't an excuse for anything as for i have seen it and felt it before. i get WAY to needy and validation seeking. it hits this spot that will drive them away.
when i get asked " who i am" the 2 thoughts that come up into my head are " i don't know" or " rapist" ( I'm not going to tell you why, but it's a something i did when i was 5 and it's not cool. not cool at all!)
writing this is surly going to kill any reputation i have here, but i don't care. I need to sort this out. I need to feel someone diffident someone i can be proud off. I'm not talking about the person on the surface I'm talking about beep down in that spot.
can someone help me out here.. help me over come this?
