My Occasional RAGE Episodes/Your Thoughts

[Tenacity]

Wanted to start this thread to see if other guys are going through what I'm going through. I do a lot of self-examination and from what I can tell, I don't have any major mental disorders or illnesses, or whatever. However, over the last couple of years I have just had an inconsiderable amount of distrust and at times flat out hatred towards women in general internally. It doesn't stop at women I'm dating, or sleeping with, or even women who "reject" me, it goes deeper to hatred towards all women even my mother, sisters, and nieces.

The internal hatred has me just randomly lashing out at women I'm with, really for no reason. It starts out as a normal conversation about something, she will say or do something that...I don't know....just sets me off.

When I'm going off, it's like I turn into a different person and I'm surprised I honestly haven't hurt one of them yet. I can pinpoint the thoughts going on in my head at the time of the rage and it always centered around a general DISAPPOINTMENT in women as a whole, in that I feel as though even though I "have won them over in terms of dating," I still am NOT receiving from them what I think I "deserve". It's like I'm being ripped off, or they are holding back treating me with the same level of....I don't know...."attention" or "value" or "boosting" as they might do with other types of guys that I don't deem are even worthy of it.

As mentioned, I'm a black guy. Growing up in grade school I was more in the category of a nerd type and really didn't get a lot of attention from women until I got to Jr and Senior year of high school. The first years of college were okay, but it wasn't really until I turned abotu 24 - 25 that I started getting CONSISTENT dates, sex, and meeting women was a more consistent thing. Matter of fact, I have been on more dates and fvcked more women from age 25 - current (31) than my entire lifetime existence before this period of time.

So it would seem as though from a "getting pvssy" standpoint I would be on cloud nine, but it's this large amount of hatred inside of me towards women as a whole that hurts me today. Because when I go off on them, it pushes them away which makes sense. I usually have to come back and apologize but after doing the same thing 3-5 times in a ROW....the girl usually just stays away.

What I DON'T want to become is some type of abuser, I don't believe I would become a physical abuser because that's just not in my physical make-up. But I might become some type of verbal one.

When I'm in "rage"....while I turn into a different person.....I always feel at the time that I'm justified. I feel as though, while in the rage, that women as a whole are untrustworthy pieces of shyt and it's "my job" to set all these "bytches" straight. But it's not my normal personality.

What do you guys think of this? I have spoken to counselors about it and it really does no good cause they can't even comprehend what the problem is. My own self-diagnosis is that I have just seen too much about women and experienced them to the point of where I can see that they really have LITTLE VALUE....and relations with them might not be LONG TERM...and I think that reality makes me just fvcking SNAP at times because this is NOT what I signed up for. I thought that once I got my shyt together and fixed myself, that not only would I be getting a lot of dates and sex, but I would have this sea of "quality women" around me who love me and support me. I don't have that. I have a sea of "women" around me that only bring to the table sex (some of them) and companionship....but that's not enough for me.

 

[ZTIME]

When I'm going off, it's like I turn into a different person and I'm surprised I honestly haven't hurt one of them yet. I can pinpoint the thoughts going on in my head at the time of the rage and it always centered around a general DISAPPOINTMENT in women as a whole, in that I feel as though even though I "have won them over in terms of dating," I still am NOT receiving from them what I think I "deserve". It's like I'm being ripped off, or they are holding back treating me with the same level of....I don't know...."attention" or "value" or "boosting" as they might do with other types of guys that I don't deem are even worthy of it.

I've meditated on this exact same issue for hours over the last couple of months. In my experience the rage is internalized inside as a defense mechanism to protect your own self value. We tend to let our minds "pre-dictate" the end result of an action before we even act. (I act like this with this human, I expect this result.) When we don't get the anticipated result, we choose to react. Whether it's vocal or some sort of internalized reaction.

We tend to repeat this same determined action in hopes we'll finally find someone who will produce our "pre-determined" response. After awhile we explode with rage because we can no longer contain it.

My own self diagnosis and meditation produced this:

The "pre-determined" responses we are looking for are generally a form of us looking for someone to show us or help to emasculate our self worth.

We tend to add "emotional currency" to our own actions and expect a "pre-determined" return on investment. I see this a lot in myself when it comes to business, friendships, or relationships. If it's not what I expect then there must be a reaction from me to protect my own self value. The problem is that people in general come with their own "pre-determined" expectations, and may not put the same value on your actions as you do.

To deal with this, I try to value my own actions with no anticipation of a return on investment.(as it pertains to my social interactions) Therefore I have no reason to react to a feeling of disappointment.

“Your value doesn’t decrease by someone’s inability to see your worth.”

This is how I perceive your thread. Thank you for posting. It helps me to reflect on my own life and the path I have chosen to walk.

 

[Tenacity]

ZTIME,

Excellent post man and I totally agree about the internal shield aspect to protect the amount of self value that I have currently.

My question is, that I seem to be suffering from Resentment issues in that FACTS are being revealed to me and those FACTS are unpleasant.

The facts in relation to women just not having a lot of value is one that creates a lot of resentment because, it's like I did all of this work on myself for jack shyt. I know it's important to follow your passions (which I am), but I was just sold a bill of goods that there were these QUALITY women out here and all I had to do was fix my issues and BAM....there they were.

But that's not happening, and I'm pissed off about it.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

I went through this same issue a several years ago. I'd see a hot girl, and INSTANTLY get angry. As if it was here "obligation" to somehow "give me" something, and when she didn't I felt like she was openly flouting some holy law of the universe or something.

What I believe I went through, (and what you are now going through) is the "transition phase" from the childhood mindset, to the adult mindset.

Childhood mindset is when you think you "deserve' something "just because." And when you don't get it, you get angry. Just like a kid throwing a temper tantrum.

Adults, on the other hand, know that NOBODY owes them jack squat. And EVERYTHING is based on exchange, conscious or subconscious.

The ONLY REASON any non-related human will interact with you is because they are getting something in return.

This has NOTHING to do with "inherent" value. This has NOTHING to do with "inherent" worth.

This ONLY has to do with the perceived value, as subjectively understood by THEM (not you) that your CURRENT BEHAVIORS provides THEM.

So long as THEY LIKE what you are providing them (feelings, orgasms, positive expectations about their emotional future, etc) they'll hopefully reciprocate. But not always.

Trouble is that than when an ADULT MINDED male interacts with a CHILD MINDED female, she doesn't necessarily see the "transaction" between her receiving "value" from you and her giving you "value" in exchange, consciously or unconsciously. She still thinks she "deserves" it because of her "inherent value."

UNFORTUNATELY, (I hate to be the bearer of bad news) but on the OTHER SIDE of that anger (which happens when you finally become a FULLY THINKING Adult), you'll realize there are VERY FEW women that are worth any more than some short time fun.

Here's a metaphor:

Imagine you're going to the store, expecting to buy a huge box of frozen burritos. You LOVE burritos, and you have already planned how you're going to eat them. You feel like you DESERVE the burritos. Only when you get to the store, you find no burritos, You get angry, since you were EXPECTING some burritos. You feel angry, cheated, let down by the supermarket and all those goddamned burrito commercials.

But when you become a fully thinking adult, instead of expecting burritos, and planning to eat them, you'll be wondering IF THERE ARE any burritos. You may be sad when you find there are none, but you won't feel cheated or lied to.

But there still aren't any goddamn burritos.

But you won't be angry, you'll just find the best of whatever they've got.

In order to get past this, you've got to accept that NOBODY LIED to you. NOBODY SOLD YOU a bill of goods.

You just assumed something was true, that isn't.

Sure, plenty of people (most of society, in fact) LET YOU continue to believe that, but it's up to YOU to leave that shyte in the past.

Nobody else.

Blaming others NEVER works.

EVER.

 

[sodbuster]

PART of it MAY be, you don't feel the need to be in control..... if Ray Lewis annoyed you a bit, I bet you'd keep your act together....or you'd get sand pounded up your azz, and you KNOW it. With a woman? there ARE very few who could physically shut you up and make you pay for your outburst.

 

[Kailex]

Here's a metaphor:

Imagine you're going to the store, expecting to buy a huge box of frozen burritos. You LOVE burritos, and you have already planned how you're going to eat them. You feel like you DESERVE the burritos. Only when you get to the store, you find no burritos, You get angry, since you were EXPECTING some burritos. You feel angry, cheated, let down by the supermarket and all those goddamned burrito commercials.

But when you become a fully thinking adult, instead of expecting burritos, and planning to eat them, you'll be wondering IF THERE ARE any burritos. You may be sad when you find there are none, but you won't feel cheated or lied to.

But there still aren't any goddamn burritos.

But you won't be angry, you'll just find the best of whatever they've got.

I think my problem with this analogy is that on a personal level, I get mad at myself for taking the "best of whatever they've got" even though it's below replacement level. Or if they do have burritos, it's 17 for $1. I know I shouldn't be eating them, but I know I wanted one, but I know it's full of junk. So I still eat it anyway.

Purely internal on my behalf, I know.

Which goes onto your point later on in the metaphor.

Sometimes I wish I could blend the ignorance of the blue pill with the knowledge of reality from the red pill.

 

[ZTIME]

ZTIME,

Excellent post man and I totally agree about the internal shield aspect to protect the amount of self value that I have currently.

My question is, that I seem to be suffering from Resentment issues in that FACTS are being revealed to me and those FACTS are unpleasant.

The facts in relation to women just not having a lot of value is one that creates a lot of resentment because, it's like I did all of this work on myself for jack shyt. I know it's important to follow your passions (which I am), but I was just sold a bill of goods that there were these QUALITY women out here and all I had to do was fix my issues and BAM....there they were.

But that's not happening, and I'm pissed off about it.

And there it is right there in bold. You put in all of this work with the notion of a "pre-determined" result, which was to find quality women. Now since that hasn't happened (yet), you try to contain the anger you have as a result. Once you can no longer contain it, it comes out as rage.

My path in life is to be the best me that I can be. My path is to make every human interaction that I have everyday as positive as it can be. People will wonder, they will be shocked or inspired, they will often question "why is this guy so Fu**ing nice?" This path can create several emotions. Love, hate, anger, inspiration, trust, mistrust, etc. But it's my path. I walk it because it inspires me to wake up every morning with no need for "pre-determined" responses from others. I value me for me and nobody can degrade that worth.

I've re-learned this lesson. I allowed myself to value the response of someone else and the end result, as you know, wasn't good.

Value what you've done for yourself as is. Take only what you need from others, but always give them more then they can handle. Life will reward you.

 

[Tenacity]

Thanks guys for the responses. I'm currently working through them and internalizing everything.

I think another thing I need to add to this as well, is that I have a very piss poor family structure. Growing up in grade school, while I had a place to stay, there was no Father involvement and my other family members really could give a rat's a.ss about the PURE HELL I was going through at times in Grade School.

At one point in my early 20's I was homeless.

I climbed from literally NOTHING to the successes I have today, with no help from any immediate family members. I never really understood why this was so, as they seemingly were "there" to help each other but when it came down to me nobody really gave a rat's a.ss about my "issues".

While on one side I can say it really created this strong internal leadership and independence within me....but I really believe that it also is adding to these RAGE issues I'm having at the moment.

I would say the RAGE issues, at the core, are coming from:

- The pure hell I went through in Grade School

- The no family structure

- The Red Pill awakening shyt about not just women, but marriage, religion, business, the government, the media, everything...it's just the realization that you have been lied and blew smoke all your life.

- The new found strength on the inside of me that NOW (today) has me actually fighting back against injustices and speaking out, where as before in prior years I would coward and hide.

 

[beyondunplugged]

Tenacity:

My brother, it is time that you rise above.

These issues you are feeling are because of your attachment to your previously held beliefs about the world.

Accept the truth and let go of your anger.

Focus solely on your own well-being in this world. Women, politics, government, the financial system, family, friends, etc. are all external factors. They are all illusions. Why do you expect others to be there for you? That is also a lie. They are not. Even your family is not. That is a misconception. Unplugging goes far beyond understanding women. There are many, many other areas that operate in our lives that are just as false as the lies about love and relationships. The only person who will EVER truly be there for you is yourself. Do yourself a favor and reprogram everything you believe so that you only live the TRUTH in every area of life. Accept the truth and you will be freed from rage.

You must conquer rage. It will only destroy you. You will never change the system, only yourself. As hard and lonely as that seems, there is no other alternative. It is the acceptance of that which will mitigate all rage. Rage comes from frustration of desire. Why do you desire things external to yourself? Your expectations are the problem.

What you truly desire was a lie. This is why awakenings are so difficult for most men. Everything is more or less a lie. But you bought that lie. Now you want your money back and the seller is nowhere to be found. Your rage ultimately is directed at yourself although you manifest it towards others. Rage for falling prey to the lies of the world.

You'll never get what you "deserve" from others. Go get what you deserve for yourself. Be thankful that you are not buying the lies. That puts you in a very small category of people.

If we are not purely content within ourselves, our past and our future irrespective of external circumstances, rage will always follow. Let it go. Try your best not to fall into a guarded and victimized mentality of "others don't know what I've been through."

beyondunplugged

 

[Desdinova]

However, over the last couple of years I have just had an inconsiderable amount of distrust and at times flat out hatred towards women in general internally. It doesn't stop at women I'm dating, or sleeping with, or even women who "reject" me, it goes deeper to hatred towards all women even my mother, sisters, and nieces.

I had an issue where I would just pull the trigger on a relationship when the woman pissed me off. It was just so fvcking instant, and she would have no clue what hit her. I realized that it was something I didn't have before my marriage, but was experiencing ever since I kicked my ex-wife out of my life.

My marriage was lonely as hell, and I hated the fact that I was alone and married. Where was this woman who's supposed to support me and my family? She wasn't around.

I basically deemed my trigger pulling down to abandonment issues, stemming from the groundwork laid down by my ex-wife. If I was getting any kind of signs that the woman was on the verge of abandoning me, I would pull the trigger. I had one good LTR in the past couple of years where I was tempted to pull the trigger as well, but fought like hell against doing.

After realizing that I was suffering from abandonment issues, I went about fixing them, and discovered I had developed different coping techniques with the last LTR I was in. I gave things a few days before I pulled the trigger to make sure I was ending the LTR for good reasons instead of doing it as an emotional reaction.

So what's the point of all this? Something likely happened 2 years ago that really set things off. Probably some bytch did a number on you and you haven't been the same since. Try to figure out who and what did it, and you'll be much closer to solving your problem. Then find some patterns of when you get enraged.

I climbed from literally NOTHING to the successes I have today, with no help from any immediate family members. I never really understood why this was so, as they seemingly were "there" to help each other but when it came down to me nobody really gave a rat's a.ss about my "issues".

You and I have a lot in common. I was beat up in high school and I didn't feel like my parents were approachable with my problems. Not only that, they gave me literally nothing, and I made my way into the world with no support from them. I paid for my own house, my own vehicle, my education, my own stuff, and they helped with none of it. I'm proud of that 5hit. I have to admit that I get jealous of people who have their parents helping them gain independence and education. I started with nothing. The thing that pisses me off is that some of the parents of women I date look down upon me for not having the support that they're giving their daughters. Do they not realize that I've fought my way to where I am, and I'd fight to give their daughter and grandchildren a good life? No? Well, they can kiss my ass, and I'll just fvck their daughter until she's no longer useful to me.

Solving your own problems is bitter sweet. That problem I had plagued me for 4 years before I realized what my problem was and was able to work on it. Now that I know what it is and where it came from, I'm much better off working on fixing it. It's like a fvcking victory when you figure it out. Hell, it took me years to discover what was psychologically wrong with me when I'd be having a physical reaction to things flying through the air, which included people's hands. The day I realized I had PTSD from all the years of abuse was a day to celebrate. Finding the source of your problem is half the battle.

Good luck on figuring out yours.

 

[Desdinova]

Now THIS I can definitely relate to...problem is though, my reactions are usually justified, factually correct, and ultimately to my advantage.

When I look back upon those moments when I did it, I can usually say "Yeah, I was right to do it". But the thing is, what if I'm doing it without just cause? I don't need to be doing that. I want to sit, think, and make sure I'm doing the right thing.

The problem with me (and ultimately being a DJ) is that I KNOW I can just go out and get another woman. They all seem so replaceable.

That bytch don't behave the way you want? Get a new one, start fresh, and maybe this one will.

This is exactly what goes on in my mind subconsciously.

It may be better to let the relationship linger a bit longer than to lash out instinctively like that though.

And that's what I've been doing to fix it. It's better to make sure you're dumping a bytch than to pull the trigger because you're frustrated or pissed off over something stupid.

Then again, part of the rage is USUALLY because I let sh1t slide in the past and I am "overreacting" to what is objectively an accumulation of punches...

That's not normally what happens with me. There might be a few small things that she's done, but when she majorly fvcks up once, I pull the trigger. Women are trainable to an extent, and if the fvck ups are far and few between, it's not difficult to fix it.

 

[btownbuck2012]

It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this at times. It's only been happening for a few months now. I mean I've always been annoyed by women every now and then for the little things that they do that I've always found to be stupid. But lately it is an intense anger. Almost as if they're f*cking with my need (an let's face it, it is a fundamental need we must have satisfied at times) for female attention.

I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I've done everything right. I worked my ass off through school, working part time jobs and internships, while doing well academically to get my degree in a worthwhile major. I've done my best to stay in shape, I've left the comfort of my home in Indiana to carve out a place for myself by working in Washington, D.C. and now New York City. I mean sh*t, I moved to DC without a job lined up and had to work in a grocery store and eat ramen noodles until I was able to lock down a salaried job.

When I moved to NYC, I had a job lined up, but my lease didn't start until the first of the month, but my job started a few weeks prior. Long story short I stayed with a person, short term, who had bed bugs. Had to throw all my **** out and almost ran out of money, while still working a full time, very high stress job.

So what's my point? The last thing I want to see is a woman or women complaining about "Sexual Harassment" in their everyday lives simply when men try to talk to them or give them a compliment. I get tired of the disrespect that women show good men. I REALLY get tired of women who are total losers, except for the fact that they're "hawt". Ask them what their hobbies are. "Oh, um, I watch netflex, i can't cook, i like to drink and travel. hehehe".

I mean wtf man? Do I, or any one of us, really need that bull**** in our lives? These women are ****ing with the natural order of things. I get stressed the **** out and lifting weights, and some of my other hobbies just aren't going to cut it after a while. I need to ****, i need to have a woman rub my god damn shoulders and ask how my day went, but the effort it takes to get that is not worth it in the long run because of how much trash is out there. I mean it just isn't worth it. I'd rather go to an escort.

So yeah, I get angry. REAL angry.

 

[taiyuu_otoko]

- The Red Pill awakening shyt about not just women, but marriage, religion, business, the government, the media, everything...it's just the realization that you have been lied and blew smoke all your life.

That you recognize that it's all B.S. indicates an "awakening." That it makes you angry simply means the process is still ongoing.

I suggest that nobody really "lied" to you, they just didn't really know, and gave their "best" answer/advice/etc, and kind of went along with what everybody else was doing.

The danger in seeing any ill intent in any "lies" is it will keep you in the "anger zone" longer than you need to be.

Try to see it not as being "lied to" but just sheeple spouting the same thing they'd heard, and being too afraid to give it any critical thought.

Sure, plenty of people benefit from those lies, and have a vested interest in keeping them alive, but let that be. That will never change.

Don't see them as evil, see them as weak, as they know of no other way.

Let the weak people have their weakness. That's all they know. Better them than you.

Just give yourself time, and cut yourself some slack when you "commit" to anything based on assumptions, rather than hard data / behavior.

 

[teebear]

You said something earlier about disappointment leading to anger and that basically summed it up for me right there. You answered your own question.

Whenever I look behind the scenes at anger (my own or somebody else's) I see disappointment - every single time. A person EXPECTS one outcome and gets another. BAM - anger.

I might be oversimplifying a bit but I think that you need to manage your expectations better. Wouldn't it be nice to be pleasantly surprised for a change versus being angry all of the time?

I'm not talking about lowering your standards (bad) I'm talking about lowering your expectations (good). It's a subtle tweak to your thinking but it can make a HUGE difference to your level of happiness.

 

[Tenacity]

I'm going to update this thread a little later with a couple updates.

 

[RangerMIke]

You have to leave your ego and the past behind you, this is what is driving your anger. The past is nothing but memories, it does not REALLY exist. Do not be a slave to something without substance.

 

[Bible_Belt]

When you get mad, just sing this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E929gqIcwwI

 

[In2theGame]

I had an issue where I would just pull the trigger on a relationship when the woman pissed me off. It was just so fvcking instant, and she would have no clue what hit her. I realized that it was something I didn't have before my marriage, but was experiencing ever since I kicked my ex-wife out of my life.

My marriage was lonely as hell, and I hated the fact that I was alone and married. Where was this woman who's supposed to support me and my family? She wasn't around.

I basically deemed my trigger pulling down to abandonment issues, stemming from the groundwork laid down by my ex-wife. If I was getting any kind of signs that the woman was on the verge of abandoning me, I would pull the trigger. I had one good LTR in the past couple of years where I was tempted to pull the trigger as well, but fought like hell against doing.

After realizing that I was suffering from abandonment issues, I went about fixing them, and discovered I had developed different coping techniques with the last LTR I was in. I gave things a few days before I pulled the trigger to make sure I was ending the LTR for good reasons instead of doing it as an emotional reaction.

So what's the point of all this? Something likely happened 2 years ago that really set things off. Probably some bytch did a number on you and you haven't been the same since. Try to figure out who and what did it, and you'll be much closer to solving your problem. Then find some patterns of when you get enraged.

Wow man, this is exactly me and its true that i have never been the same since but im trying to work on it. It's very difficult to work through this.

 

[Atom Smasher]

Just sing this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLO7tCdBVrA

 

[Tenacity]

Wanted to update this thread. From reviewing some Personality Disorders, I can see how I might have a Paranoia issue, which then turns into me displaying a Bipolar trait (which women have called me because I would be fine one minute, and go into the rage the next minute at times, then go back to being fine).

I don't think I'm Bipolar though, I do think I suffer from Paranoia, but I'm not sure if that's a bad thing. I'm Paranoid for a reason, at times I will sit and just be anxious in general about a number of things but the RAGE issues are directly tied to Women. I know it is.

I'm always afraid they are going to take something from me in some way or hurt me in some way. I believe that, while being successful thus far in my Career, because I came from dirt SHYT it still feels like a miracle. It just feels like I'm sleeping and it's all a dream, that's how unreal it is and that's just how many people like me just DON'T expect to truly achieve anything in life starting from where we started.

And I think women are only in my life to try and take it from me in some capacity. And here's why I believe why.

Simply, I grew up with women preferring to date men who represented thug/ratchet culture and pushed us "nerdy guys" off to the side. As mentioned, at 25 I sort of put everything about me together in terms of looks, personality, money and consistently meeting new women. I started and still to this day, get consistent dates, sex, etc. I was getting dates and sex prior but it wasn't consistent at all.

One of the major things that changed at 25 is that I got my money and Career right. Women KNOW that I have money and every woman I date I have had more money and been more successful than her (money and education wise).

But I just don't truly know if they really like me or not, or are they just trying to get something from me? Or take something from me? I can't get over the fact that women did NOT chose me in my early years, and instead chose thugs. My mistrust for them comes from the fact that I still don't know if they really truly LIKE me or not. So what if they sleep with me, so what if they go on dates, so what if I get their number....I was NOT the first preference of them as we were coming up in Grade School....Ray Ray and Pookie and Man Man (thugs) were. Now all of a sudden I'm so cute? I'm so funny? I just don't buy it. I'm technically the same guy, except I fixed myself up a little bit and I have MONEY.

Combine this with the MGTOW Studies about how the Family Court System is, and how technically a guy like me is a target for excessive child support payments, AND how women are very disloyal......it's just makes me fvcking not trust women at all.

Inside of me I WANT to be with a fvcking soulmate. I want a damn chick to be loyal to me as I am everything they preach about what the hell they want! But I don't sense loyalty in any of them, it's like they are just enjoying the "free ride" and when they get bored, they are going to hop off like nothing just happened.

It would be okay, I guess, to shallow this pill if I believe this is how women were in general. But you know what, I don't think they are like this to thugs though. I see a sense of loyalty that they have to thugs, that I just don't sense towards me. I'm disappointed, I'm pissed off, and I just feel like I have been ripped the fvck off in terms of the dating game. I'm just not getting what I signed up for and it's frustrating.

THAT is the core of my issues.