My mind's telling me no, but my body is dumb

[Zippapants]

Hey guys! Longtime lurker, and I have to say, this site has helped me SO much. I came here back in 2012 when my then-girlfriend left me and is was my close friends and these forums that aided me not only in getting over her, but also becoming a better man. I have a few things to say about a recent break-up that I’d like some input on and some questions I’d like to ask the DJ’s of this site! This might be a big of a read, but I haven't really put this out there yet, so I'm typing this up for myself as much as advice. Scroll to the bottom for the TL;DR version. ;-)

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Ok, where to start! Let me try to break down my latest dilemma. For some quick background on me: At 22 I was living a very unhealthy life and decided to turn my life around. I lost over 200 lbs., went back to college, and had life by the balls. Now, I’m 26, currently finishing up my last year for my Bachelor’s, then going right for my Master’s.

THE GIRLFRIEND
In February, I entered a relationship with a 19 year old. I can already hear a few of you groaning, “Damn Zippa, that’s too young!” I know! And I agreed once. She was one of those young college students entering at 17 and is a junior now. For several months she had pursued me, and eventually I said fuggit. I have no regrets, as the past 4 months with her had been some of the best and most rewarding…when things were going good. Of course, I wouldn’t be here if things were going good, now would I?

She seriously made me feel amazing. She didn’t do the usual BS and she was just a breath of fresh air. Imagine feeling like you finally met a girl who proved the others wrong. I loved her with all my heart, and she loved me with all of hers. When things occurred, I put my foot down and let her knew I would walk if things didn’t change. As much as I loved her, I loved myself more. To her, I was unlike any other guy she knew, and she respected me. When there was a problem, we’d talk about it, solve it, and moved on stronger. Mostly.

THE RELATIONSHIP
One annoying thing is that these problems would come up fairly frequently, but never the same one twice. When it was put to bed, it was done and didn’t happened again. She wanted me to be happy, and usually the issue was miscommunication. We’d handle it and solve it. Still, the fact that she wouldn’t have consideration beforehand and that I always had to bring things up annoyed me. She did get better in this regard. Except for one thing:

She wanted her freedom. She was torn between wanting her freedom and independence and wanting to be with me, the guy she could see herself possibly one day marrying. She had suggested an open relationship, like she had had with her previous boyfriend, where we have each other’s hearts, but could see other people. I said HELLLLLLLLLL NO. I’d walk, you’re either with me or not, no middle ground. When we were at school and seeing each other all the time, it was fine. As summer approached, however, things began to take a turn.

The thought of the distance that would be between during the summer grew into something she couldn’t get over. This feeling of freedom crept back into her mind. Not only that, but outside of school, we lived an hour apart. Not too bad, but she showed some concern. She began to get more distant, and we began to argue more as I tried to talk to her and set her straight. She started living two lives: one where she would see me once or twice a week, and the other where she would do her own thing up where she lived, like going to friend’s parties and not inviting me or doing things I wasn’t too happy about. I tried to solve stuff like we used to, but she got more and more confused. I knew a break up was inevitable.

Things took a bit of different turn for a time when I approached her about things. She changed her tune and we began to solve stuff like we used to. She told me how she couldn’t do life without me and that I was her heart. The next day, she broke up with me (oh the irony!).

She told me I didn’t deserve what she was putting me through, and that she needed to find herself and that we weren’t compatible right now, yet she still wanted for me to be in her life because I was so important to her. She stated the possibility of us getting back together when school started, and if we did so she would make sure her mind was sorted out and we would be together for real. I told her I can’t be in a relationship without trust, and I could now never trust her to leave me when there was distance between us again (like winter break or when I graduate next summer). I haven’t talked to her since then (Friday morning), nor do I plan to.

THE FINAL PROBLEM
The relationship is over, it was a good ride while it lasted, and I have no delusions of getting back together, but it feels almost like a piece of me is missing, and I don’t understand why. I haven’t felt like this before. I know it get easier with time, but I miss her way too much. The smallest things from her had me walking around with the biggest grin, which has never happened for me with a girl before. My head tells me this break up is right, but for some reason deep inside it feels plain wrong. No contact is the way to go, and I’ve deleted her number, deleted out pictures, and blocked her on Facebook.

Here’s where things get tricky: before I went radio silence, we had talked about exchanging belongings. I tried to do it as soon as possible, but she said she needed time before seeing me again. Now I really want my things back, but I also don’t think it’s wise to contact her with how I’m currently feeling. However, a big problem is that for the next year, I’m going to be around her almost every day for several hours in intimate settings due to our shared curriculum. She’s going to need her stuff before school starts in September, but I’d like to allow the longest amount of time with no contact before I have to see her almost every day.

Should I break no contact now to get my stuff back and allow a few months’ worth of time in between seeing her again? Or should I just keep no contact now and risk seeing her again in about a month’s time?

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TL;DR Version

-Loved this girl like no other, you know the story
-Bunch of BS led to her breaking it off
-Feels wrong and like a piece of me is missing, but I know my princess is in another castle and no contact is the key
-Going to see her almost every day during and after school for the next year
-We have each other’s stuff and need to exchange
-Do I break no contact now with how I feel and allow to the timer to reset so I have maximum time, or do I continue with no contact and see her before school starts again?

BONUS QUESTION
Have any of you guys ever had a woman who left such a mark on you that while you knew breaking up was the only real option, it just plain didn’t feel right, even long after the fact despite your logic telling you that it was? Talked to a close friend of mine and he still feels a similar way years later despite rolling the the pvssy, and I was wondering if any of you guys had a similar story or feeling. What happened and how did you cope with it?

 

[Zippapants]

So, an update. Kinda got wind a few days ago that she might be seeing or at least talking to someone else, so with that in mind I decided to break the no contact to tell her that I'd like to exchange our stuff and get it over with, to which she said okay and that she'd tell me when she's free to do so. That was two days ago and I haven't heard anything from her since, and I don't feel like contacting her again.

Some days are better, some are worse. I've been trying to get back to spinning plates. Got two girls I used to talk to (including my previous ex), but nothing new as of yet. My dreams are filled with my most recent ex and i haven't been able to sleep very well because of them. I go back and forth between wanted to talk to her and trying to sort things out like we used to, to standing behind the fact that she was the one to wrong me and I shouldn't say a damn thing to her.

The fact that I'm going to be around her regularly for the next year bothers me as well. I've never had my mind and heart be so torn and go so back and forth. It's like the first Rocky movie where my mind is Apollo and my heart is Balboa; the match up is close.

Does anyone have any similar experiences to this? How did you get over it? And how did you handle seeing your ex that you loved regularly?

 

[cordoncordon]

First congrats on your weight loss. That is really awesome. I mean, I'm a pretty big guy at 6'0" and 200 pounds, and you lost as much as I weigh! Just wow. Do you have any before and after pics?

As for what you are going through now, we have ALL been there. Each and every one of us. You will see though that as time goes by, each and every day will get easier and easier. Until at some point you will wake up, go through your day, and not ever think of her. The key is every time you start to think about her? Hit yourself. Pinch yourself. Do whatever you have to do to stop thinking about her. Plus, you are young. You will realize when you are older and looking back at this just how really unimportant this is in the larger scheme of things. Just a blip on the radar.

Good luck.

 

[usernamedox11]

Low quality girl. No loss. Will take you some time to get over her, but you are really delusional if you think a 19 year old who partied and wanted an open relationship was worth more than a used cigarette in an ashtray.

 

[Zippapants]

Thanks cordon! I do have a pic; I'll share it with you when I get back on my computer. But you're right, this will pass. Things have been better once I started realizing that the relationship was actually over a while ago, near the end of April. For some reason, thinking about that doesn't make me feel as bad. I just need to get through the exchange with her now. I'm already sorting stuff out in my head.

And applegoo, maybe you're right about me being delusional, but I wouldn't go that extreme about her worth. She just needs to grow up. Her personality was awesome, but her head is too messed up. But as you said, no loss. Just another life lesson.

 

[El Payaso]

In the end, I think you guys both wanted different things. You wanted an exclusive, committed relationship that could stand even the test of distance and she wanted an open relationship.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting an exclusive relationship but it is a dangerous territory for a man and best left to the woman.

When a man pushes for exclusivity as hard as you did, then it tends to scare women off. Especially the younger ones. At that age, what you want to do is just be cool. When she pushed for an open relationship, that is a huge sign of a low quality woman. No high quality woman should ever suggest such a thing to a man that she respects.

At that point, what you should have done is to degrade her to fvck buddy status in your mind while pursuing other women on the side and looking for a high quality woman.

You should have employed the "agree and escalate" tactic. It is a tactic I have found to always work a huge percentage of the time. You should have been like "You want an open relationship? Hmm...interesting. Yeah, cool. I'm definitely down to fvck other girls. You're right. I've kinda been getting bored with you too (too being emphasized). Thanks for the idea. I like the way your brain works."

This would have triggered all kinds of responses in her hamster and put it into overdrive. You would see her desperately vying to get your attention again. If she texts you, you simply read it, chuckle to yourself and call up one of the other women you're dating on the side.

Overall, a relationship takes two to tango. If one person is interested and the other is not, it simply won't work. Another rule to keep in mind is to always match the interest level of your partner. If she is showing signs of low interest, drop your interest as well. Don't be like "Honey, what's wrong? Blah...blah...blah".

Oh, well. Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them. Try not to push for exclusivity so hard on a woman next time. It only chases them away. She should be the one worrying about you fvcking a dozen chicks while she's gone for the summer. Not the other way around.

 

[Zippapants]

In the end, I think you guys both wanted different things. You wanted an exclusive, committed relationship that could stand even the test of distance and she wanted an open relationship.

There is nothing wrong with a man wanting an exclusive relationship but it is a dangerous territory for a man and best left to the woman.

When a man pushes for exclusivity as hard as you did, then it tends to scare women off. Especially the younger ones. At that age, what you want to do is just be cool. When she pushed for an open relationship, that is a huge sign of a low quality woman. No high quality woman should ever suggest such a thing to a man that she respects.

At that point, what you should have done is to degrade her to fvck buddy status in your mind while pursuing other women on the side and looking for a high quality woman.

You should have employed the "agree and escalate" tactic. It is a tactic I have found to always work a huge percentage of the time. You should have been like "You want an open relationship? Hmm...interesting. Yeah, cool. I'm definitely down to fvck other girls. You're right. I've kinda been getting bored with you too (too being emphasized). Thanks for the idea. I like the way your brain works."

This would have triggered all kinds of responses in her hamster and put it into overdrive. You would see her desperately vying to get your attention again. If she texts you, you simply read it, chuckle to yourself and call up one of the other women you're dating on the side.

Overall, a relationship takes two to tango. If one person is interested and the other is not, it simply won't work. Another rule to keep in mind is to always match the interest level of your partner. If she is showing signs of low interest, drop your interest as well. Don't be like "Honey, what's wrong? Blah...blah...blah".

Oh, well. Mistakes are made so that we can learn from them. Try not to push for exclusivity so hard on a woman next time. It only chases them away. She should be the one worrying about you fvcking a dozen chicks while she's gone for the summer. Not the other way around.

Agreed, and I did most of that. When she first brought it up, I said no and that I'd walk. That was enough for her to come back. But it kept happening, often I could see something was wrong with her and she'd tell me it was on her mind. When her interest level would wane, especially during the summer, I'd respond in kind, and she'd come back. At least until this last time.

My issue wasn't breaking up; I knew it was gonna happen by one of us eventually. What I can't get is why I still feel bad, like the whole thing feels wrong, but I know it's right. Still, I can't shake this stupid feeling. I'm already spinning plates, but still this is persisting.

I think it's also working on me that I'm going to be around here just about every day for the next school year, both in and out of class. That's going to be annoying, but I guess i should just handle it nonchalantly.