quintessential
Senior Don Juan
I met a girl (melissa) in my painting class and had a really great first conversation with her, which led to her offering her phone number to me, (she admitted to being just 16, she got her ged and started college courses early) although she acted like it was normal for her to do this and that she "didn't mind"....I said,"well, it shouldn't be because you don't care or don't mind, it should be because you genuinely want to give it to me". So she gave me the number. The next class I ignored her and she eventually approached me to see how I was doing. The first time I talked to her I mentioned how the face she had decided to use for her painting bore a strong similarity to her so when she approached me to see how I was, she mentioned that she noticed the features were indeed much like her (seemed like a good sign since she mentioned something I had talked about before). Then as I was leaving, I asked her for a smoke (a vice I manipulated so that I could have an excuse). She then asked me,"Are you going to lunch? I'm going to subway"....to which I replied,"Normally I don't accept invitations like that this soon but sure, I'll go"....she smiled and all the way to subway it was cool. Then during our conversation she mentioned that she hangs out with guys and also her BF! I said,"oh you just killed me...I can feel my heart sinking...but then again this only the second time we've talked". She acted as though she were happy with the guy but I couldn't understand why she failed to mention him before. I could've sworn she was single. So then as we came back I told her I was going to smoke some herb on a break during the next class...she seemed interested in doing that...but said she'd have to think about it more (a bad sign I thought because at first she seemed definitely about wanting to go). So the next class I came up and said discreetly that I was about to go...she said she was afraid that she might blight her painting, I assured her she would not and that if anything it would be better. So we went to smoke and I got her into the conversation about her bf...asking her who had control in the relationship...she said her bf only hangs out with her when HE wants to and that "the other night he went to blah blah blah and I can't get in there 'cause I'm not old enough". I told her it kind of sounded one-sided and asked her if she was happy. She replied quickly "no" with a sad look on her face. Then she mentioned this other guy in class who I've never even seen talking to her and how she played pool with him and he treated her like his gf. I asked her if the conversation was stimulation and whether she had fun and she said yes. I said,"Well, you're forgetting I'm the stud here...and you could have ten-fold that fun with me". She laughed like it was silly to her. I said,"Yeah...I don't really know you but I'm getting to know you and I just know that I wouldn't smother you and I definitely wouldn't be so one-sided". We got out of my truck and I asked,"I'm not sure you really enjoy talking to me...do you?" She said,"Yes. I love your company". I could sense the disparagement coming on, the reminder of all my hideous inadequacies. She said,"I'm going to sound stupid and shallow for saying this"...then she paused like she wouldn't say it....I promptly urged her on, as if to thrust myself headlong into the jagged language...she said,"I don't know, I date certain type of guy"...I said,"yeah I know I don't know look good"...she said"you're not bad looking, you're a great guy and I know of a lot of girls who would be extremely attracted to you" ...then it was awkward and I asked her if she could ever see past that...she said,"I could in time" (I laughed a maniacal laugh inside, thinking how stupid I was for ever opening my mouth). Later on, I finally used her phone number just to ask her if she had been as smoked as I was and told her to have a good weekend to seem like I didn't have any anger. Yesterday, I was f'd up in class and mumbling sh!t to myself, laughing and ignored her. One person came up and said how crazy my painting looked and I said,"yeah, it's a good reflection of me"...shortly after that she seemed to get pissed and as she walked by me with this guy friend of hers, she said,"I can't stand it in here". Later on I talked to her, asking how her weekend went and asked her if she did her jeff spicoli routine (she didn't know what I meant) "surfing"...she said she didn't go to the beach 'cause she didn't have enough gas money. I commented about her painting,"It's really vibrant, actually" and right away she looked up and smiled big but I didn't even look at her and then said,"Well, have fun...see ya later". there is another girl in the class who tries to get my attention. yesterday I saw her around and she was smiling realy big and held eye contact when she asked me how I was doing....then yesterday in class she ended up next to that other guy who melissa played pool with....and I saw her today talking to some dipsh!t having a great time and suddenly I felt sick like there is no way to meet anyone. She probably won't move back to paint near me now and it's a horrible class for talking. I wanted to see if I could talk to her and maybe Melissa would see that I'm not just a great guy but the kind of guy she could be into. But instead I feel like bringing in my cd player, listening to "Pornography" by the Cure and brooding with melancholy, the one tangible thing I have. IS IT ALWAYS LIKE THIS? I WISH I COULD STOP ****ING EVERYTHING UP and I wish I could express myself and show that I hold something brilliant but it's a subjective world and the other person may never perceive anything significant or fruitful in me.......WHAT CAN I DO IN THIS SITUATION....IF I HAVEN'T ****ED MYSELF OVER BEYOND THE POINT OF RETURN?
