My latest LTR failure - a study into the folly of chasing the white buffalo

[Greasy Pig]

Hey fellas. I'm back after a few months and what you are about to read will make some of you cringe, some of you angry and some of you sad. Most of all, I hope it might provide some education for the newer members.
I'll try to keep it short.

I first met "S" when we worked together as 18-year-olds. I was in love with her from the moment I saw her and didn't stop thinking about her for the 20 years after I moved away.

We were good buddies at work but I always held this romantic ideal - like all good AFCs - that one day she would see me for the awesome guy I was and beg to be my girlfriend. We kept in touch sporadically over the years. She got married and I was gutted, thinking my chance had gone.

But circumstances transpired that resulted in me moving back close to her just before she got divorced. I met her for dinner one night and when she walked in, she seriously had not aged a day. Size 6, big fake titties, tight butt, long black hair, beautiful face....a 36-year-old who looked 20. I was beside myself.

Thanks to So Suave, I gamed her and made a move and we ended up as a couple. It was an LDR (80km apart) but it suited us both.

With her being recently separated and still fighting with her ex, and having kids, and living 80km away, I was extremely cautious about getting serious with her. And using the lessons I've learned on these boards, I screened like a muthafvcka, looking for any signs of drama, slvttiness or psychotic tendencies.

But after years of pounding worthless bar skanks and having my heart broken by hateful cvnts, this woman proved to be a shining beacon of angelic light. She cooked for me every time we saw each other (which was fortnightly and then weekly), gave me meals to take home or left meals at mine, was sexually uninhibited, gave me massages, only had four previous sexual partners.....I thought I'd found the mythical white buffalo and I was going to do everything in my power to keep her.

But after a year of unprecedented bliss, she changed. It was almost overnight and I can pinpoint the exact moment I thought to myself: "Umm, she's acting weird all of a sudden".
Sure, there had been a few red flags in the months before - regular accusations of cheating; angry outbursts; being aloof and non-committal; being less sexually available and adventurous....but I was still smitten and put it down to the natural waning of "honeymoon period" lust.

I must add that she got pregnant by me - twice. And she insisted on aborting both times. The second pregnancy was twins. But I don't want to go into that.

Then the nagging and criticism started. Not full on, just little digs here and there about my clothes, my regard for her, my love of sleeping in on weekends, more serious and regular accusations of looking at other women and cheating...

But I used of mixture of some amused mastery and agree and amplify and some compliance with her wishes and I thought everything was under control. But then her behaviour started getting worse.

We'd been together two years when things started to really get bad.

She started making excuses not to see me and started discouraging me from driving down to see her. Instead of "You're coming down Friday night? Great! I'll have dinner waiting for you", it became "I was planning on having an early night", and "Sure, come if you want".
In other words, she stopped trying to maximise our time together, and when we were together, she wouldn't go out of her way to make that time comfortable, happy and memorable. I felt like a stranger. She was treating sex like a chore, would never initiate, missionary position only, stopped being affectionate in any way and rebuffed my attempts at affection.

Not wanting to appear needy or emotional, I kept my mouth shut and hoped it was just a phase she was going through. I tried attention withdrawing tactics to show her my disapproval but she would get upset that I was ignoring her and asked that I treat her nicely.

After withdrawing attention didn't work, I did what all men are genetically inclined to do, and sat her down to logically work out a solution. I knew she was capable of being a loving and lovable woman, why was she acting like a complete cvnt all of a sudden?

But these attempts were dismissed and she insisted she still loved me but was stressed about work and study etc etc. She would come good for a couple of weeks and then relapse.
She did mention once that she was upset that I hadn't discussed our long-term future with her, but I responded by saying that there was no way in hell I would marry her while she was acting this way. It was like a vicious cycle I guess. CONTINUED....

 

[Greasy Pig]

The folly of the white buffalo PART 2

But I can sum her up like this: She demanded perfection but didn't offer it.
She criticised freely but couldn't take criticism.
She made demands but wouldn't entertain demands made of her.
Her issues with me required immediate and drastic action but my issues with her were dismissed outright.
She expected my full attention and support always but she never extended to me the same courtesy.
Her desires always overrode mine. To the point that anything I desired was met with instant negativity, purely because it was my idea.
She would whinge about me not planning any activities to do with her and then dismiss, ignore and even change the plans I did make.
She criticised me for not helping her around the home but refused to give me jobs to do or allow me to help with the jobs she was doing when I volunteered to help, thus giving her more ammunition against me.
She threatened to break up with me because I didn't have "in a relationship" visible on my Facebook profile. Then when I did add that, I noticed that she didn't have it visible either and flat out refused to change it when I raised it.
She simply couldn't compromise on anything and was hypocritical in the extreme.

All I ever wanted was for her to treat me as I treated her. I was always encouraging, attentive, romantic and supportive - with a very big dash of Dread Game, C&F and treating her like an annoying kid sister - but it was almost like it was beneath her to show any romantic regard for me.

Eventually in February after nearly three years together and another particularly vicious outburst, I told her I wasn't going to stand for it anymore and it was over. Fvck that was a hard thing to do after our long history. But I was at my wits' end.

It was an amicable breakup and we had promised each other when this all started that we would always stay friends even if we broke up.

But over the next six weeks, she kept asking to reconcile, using all the honeyed words of a woman seemingly enlightened about how nasty she'd been, keen to make amends and promising to be the woman I wanted her to be.
I resisted but she used her sweet words - and her sweet, sweet vagina - to drag me back in, but in the full knowledge that I would walk instantly if she had another relapse.

As it turns out, that relapse happened on Sunday when I slept in until 8.45am (she told me that was one thing that drove her mad because she's an early riser) after pulling a month of 70-hour weeks.
She barely spoke to me for three days and yesterday I ended it.

But here's the clincher. As I was sitting there contemplating our future as just friends and lamenting how badly things turned out, I get a text from her.

But this text was obviously meant for her best friend and it was all about me and she was referring to me in the third person. It was shocking. In the text, she described my faults in great and vitriolic detail, from my body appearance, sleeping habits, lifestyle, my home - pretty much everything except my sexual performance. The last line read: "Imagine if I sent that?", which proved even more that it was meant for someone else.
Man, it was tough to read.
But I didn't respond, just waiting for her to realise her error and seeing what she would do.

Amazingly, she texted a little while later: "You're not going to answer that? Fine." As if it was meant for me! What a conniving, gutless coward. So I've initiated NC and "unfriended" her from Facebook and all her relatives and friends.
I'm disgusted that she would stoop so low, but then again, this only reaffirms my belief that all women are capable of the most egregious acts of bastardry at any time.

I treated this woman like gold. I wasn't a doormat in the classic sense, but I certainly did cut her way more slack than she deserved, and I was never afraid to stand up for myself. But still, she lost all respect for me somehow.
I showed her affection and respect. I always acted with honour. She responded with coldness, nagging and humiliation.

Her parents loved me, her family repeatedly told me how "cooler and funnier" I was than her ex-husband, her kids were always beside themselves with excitement when they knew I was arriving, I babysat them when she had to work, her friends took an instant liking to me and I did my best to prove my loyalty to her every damn day.

I was by no means perfect, but I wasn't a drunk, I didn't hit her, I was a selfless lover, I embraced her kids, I have a great management job, drive a nice car, dress well, am only slightly overweight and physically active, am well spoken and am at ease in any social situation with anyone. Very fvcking charming!

But somewhere along the way, I must've lost the frame or did something that caused her to lose all respect for me to the point that she actually despised me.

I'm 99.9% certain she wasn't cheating on me. She had no orbiters and her only male friend was a raging homo. I had complete faith in her loyalty.

I guess I'm just in shock that I see myself as this highly refined and desirable man who is popular and well-liked but who still wasn't good enough to elicit loving admiration from this woman. It's deeply puzzling and concerning. I've done some research and I believe she may have Histrionic Personality Disorder.

If you can take anything from my story, it is this:

1. Don't let bad behaviour slide for too long. You need to actively nip it in the bud if withdrawing attention doesn't work.
2. No matter how good you are, some women will never be satisfied.
3. Try your hardest to avoid the "white buffalo" psyche. It will cause you to put up with way more shyt than necessary and cause you to ignore blatant signals to grab your stuff and run the fvck away.
4. Getting back together rarely works.
5. A woman who won't compromise, doesn't encourage you, doesn't reciprocate your affection and nags you, is a woman who should very quickly be put in your past.

I could go on way longer with other fvcked up shyt she did, but I think you all get the picture.
Anyway, thanks to these boards, I know I'll be fine.
I don't regret my time with her, I'm actually thankful that I had the chance to scale my personal Everest and I learned a lot about myself and a hell of a lot more about the nature of women.
I just regret that it didn't work out like I'd hoped and that things ended so nastily. In that first year together, I would've done almost anything to marry her, but it certainly looks like I dodged a very fvcking big atom bomb.

But life goes on and there are plenty of bytches in all the countries on Earth who need to be fvcked. The Greasy Pig is back....

 

[Slickster]

When you enter a relationship with a girl you have on a pedestal it rarely works out.

There are probably a million things you were doing even subconsciously which contributed to her losing interest and then respect.

Yes, nipping the poor behaviour in the bud would've worked. You need to be ready to walk at a moments notice and she needs to believe you are serious.

Good post. Sounds like you are in a good headspace right now. Every thing is a learning experience.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

Well I did read all of it, so consider yourself of at least a higher value Greasy because any wall of text that long coming from new members I give them hell for it.

Briefly, my thoughts are that she could have been getting side d*ck. Doesn't mean she was engaging in a relationship on the side, just side d*ck. I have no idea, looks like you have no idea, but I think you should consider this a possibility.

Also, getting pregnant and having 2 abortions takes a serious toll on a woman. I don't care what some women say that can go into a clinic like it's just giving a blood sample or something. That would be pretty hard to deal with, especially the one with twins. It could be she's having a psychological breakdown trying to deal with it, trying to figure out if you're worth going through that amount of pain.

And lastly, she's late 30s...I'm guessing almost 40 now? You have to consider the menopause factor here too.

ETA: One more thing...

I don't regret my time with her, I'm actually thankful that I had the chance to scale my personal Everest and I learned a lot about myself and a hell of a lot more about the nature of women.

Go back and re-read that over and over again if you have to help console yourself. You got a chance to do something that a lot, and I mean a LOT, of men never get. I myself regret not boning a couple of girls in my younger years who were wanting my d*ck but I was still very beta/whiteknight type of guy. I'll never see any of those chicks again, but at least you got a chance to do this and can close that chapter of your life. Mine will always remain just a little open.

 

[G_Govan]

I guess I'm just in shock that I see myself as this highly refined and desirable man who is popular and well-liked but who still wasn't good enough to elicit loving admiration from this woman. It's deeply puzzling and concerning. I've done some research and I believe she may have Histrionic Personality Disorder.

Not trying to beat you down but please don't use that crutch. There was plenty wrong with pursuing her from the very beginning.

All her behaviors can be summed up into a list of indicators of a woman with low interest. Who wanted you around to "provide." You were convenient, safe and above all, thirsty.

I'm not saying she's without flaws, but I've seen men do this kind of thing before and it never works out unless there's some huge compromise.

 

[GS750]

sorry this happened GP, but in the long run you're a better man for it. glad too see you're back.

 

[Kailex]

The main problem (As Slickster mentioned) was that you had a 20 year pedestal.

That should be the main takeaway from all of this. You saw her as a deity, when in reality, she was much worse than many women out there.

Stay strong and out of contact with that one. Now you know why she got divorced.

 

[Lozboss]

So Sorry Greasy.

You'll find someone who deserves you and makes you happy- who appreciates you for you.

Who matches your love and affection and is DESERVING of you.

Chin up mate- you're strong and you'll find someone soon. Don't be afraid to close your chapter and put yourself back out there.

 

[Greasy Pig]

Thanks for the kind words and tough love, fellas.
I would bet my left nut that she wasn't cheating, but I wouldn't be surprised if she had another "branch" waiting in the wings that she could grab on to in the event of us splitting (don't most women??).
I agree there were probably a lot of things I did subconsciously that torpedoed her interest because of how smitten I was.
The thing is, she specifically asked me to be less aloof and seemingly uncaring, and I caved in because I thought that would endear me to her and make her completely happy. Wrong.
I agree I'm searching for answers and possibly using HPD as a crutch for my own shortcomings, but I firmly believe that a normally functioning woman would be thrilled to have a man who treated her the way I treated this one. A little bit of beta with a lot of irreverent flirting and teasing.
As I said, I was by no means flawless but I wasn't a complete loser either.
Anyway, went sarging tonight with some guys from work.
Had a ball, made two spectacularly unsuccessful approaches and now I'm home.
I've already got a date set up for next week with a chick I used to work with who's in town for a few weeks, so we'll see how that plays.
I must say, it's good to be free and back in The Game.

 

[ZTIME]

Don't be in a rush to get in another relationship.

My Gf and I just parted ways too (as you know from PM) and I am in NO rush to do another one. A woman in a neighbouring town and I have hung around a bit in the last week, and tonight I am going to her place for her Birthday party.

I have a couple more in mind, in a different neighboring town, but I am looking at "dating" occasionally. I am just going to sit back and heal, hit the gym as always, save my money and concentrate on getting my son through his last year of school and off to college.

Totally understand where you're coming from. For me healing and working out have become a must. After 7 months I still have a problem with being caught in a relationship trap.

I find my social free time being spent more with guys then girls. (sporting events, shooting, boating, etc.) Kind of makes you wonder why it is when your in an LTR, you tend to give up all of these fun things with friends. Maybe it was just me, but I think a lot of guys do the same.

For me right now, I'm good for dating 1-2 times per week max, but really don't want to get sooo involved that I start losing social activities with good friends. I'll eventually figure out how to balance it all.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

Greasy,

Good post. Thanks for being so honest.

Some thoughts:

You seriously dodged a bullet with the pregnancies. Consider getting a vasectomy if you don't want kids.

Sounds like she's hitting the wall and wanted to secure some beta bucks. It became obvious that you weren't going to wife her up and her true nature/feelings came out.

Be thankful you've realized what the truth is and you can walk away.

Stay strong.

-Augustus-

 

[Sik]

I was by no means perfect, but I wasn't a drunk, I didn't hit her, I was a selfless lover, I embraced her kids, I have a great management job, drive a nice car, dress well, am only slightly overweight and physically active, am well spoken and am at ease in any social situation with anyone. Very fvcking charming!

Well there's your problem!

Me and my friends often have a joke, mostly in regards to strippers and other often very hot high-maintenance women. If you want one, you need to be drunk, high, driving their car and routinely beating the snot out of them. They will love you forever, haha!