My journey towards enlightenment

[Datboy98]

Hey guys, been a lurker here for 3 years, hope I'm not breaking post protocol.
I'm an 18 year old from Africa, recently graduated from High School and looking forward to starting university in Canada this fall. My introduction into the "Manosphere" and TRP pretty much followed the script and ever since I swallowed it, there's been a complete paradigm shift in how I view things and approach life. I only know 2 people currently that "get it" (the TRP mantra); my younger brother and a friend.

1998-2014 (Part 1)
My formative years pretty much fit the "Beta Blueprint". I come from a traditional and conservative family although my parents split when I was 12. Theirs was pretty much a loveless marriage, ergo, I was hellbent on being "different" to my father and being the nice guy that would make marriage work. I went from thinking that girls were icky(who didn't?) to slowly but surely drawing attention from girls in my early high school days. I was quite naive back then and I certainly didn't hop on the train towards sexual maturity/discovery as early as my friends/peers(you could call me a really late bloomer). I'd have girls hit on me and my standard response was to a) Deny their blatant flirting or b)Do nothing about it. This reluctance to act on impulse and gut has been a hurdle I still face today( especially when it comes to girls and other things of a casual nature). I've been dubbed an over-thinker due in part to my tendency to hesitate as well as my natural ability to analyse things and go beyond the superficial.

I started getting more attention from girls when I was about 12/13. My problem was that I was a bit of a ***** due to my propensity to overthink as well as my "lack of experience"( hadn't kissed a girl let alone had a make out session with a girl). As a result, girls were initially attracted to me for whatever reason, but typically, when there's inaction on the guy's side, interest gradually subsides. This was pretty much my formula for failure with about 4/5 girls taking an interest then subsequently moving on when I literally did nothing on my part. I built up the courage to ask a girl out but that lasted all of a week! Another gf broke up with me after 10 days! The inner voice in my head basically wreaked havoc due to my inexperience with girls. I feared that I'd be outed for having never kissed a girl(call it performance anxiety) and as such despite my desire to progress through 1st and 2nd base, I never got round to capitalising on the openings I'd been given.

It was probably when I was 16 that I was driven over the edge towards an alternative strategy with girls. I was basically played by a girl who gave me the run-around for about 2 months up till Valentine's Day when I went above and beyond to make her "feel special"( roses, chocolate, the works...). She told me what I wanted to hear( the feel-good texts), called me "babe" and just enough physical contact(holding hands and drawn out hugs) to get me to "open up", be vulnerable and talk about feelings. I basically became her Beta Orbiter and she loved it. About a week after Valentine's, she gradually cut back on the texts, her tone of language became neutral and she started avoiding me at school. I had become dangerously dependent on these "tokens of affection" and I responded in typical chump fashion by reaching out every time she pulled further and further away. I eventually found out that she'd began messing around with one of my friends and I he became the focus of my ire(wrongly in hindsight). The irony was that he'd later be played in same fashion as I was. I became increasingly withdrawn and bitter as the ordeal went on but I actively began looking for other situations similar to mine. Google became my best friend and eventually led me straight to this forum from where I could seek solace from what I thought was "betrayal" at the time.

Up next, Part 2 of my journey; Swallowing the Red Pill( 2014-PRESENT)

N.B:- I am writing this because I think it's therapeutic and because I know so little like-minded people, it'd be nice to share my story and maybe get opinions or comments. Thanks for reading. Hope the post isn't too long.

 

[Asmodeus]

This looks like it will be long... But I will read.
Your youth is not too atypical from most. People in those ages go through a phase of self-discovery and understanding. There are some who never truly discover and understand themselves.

I was basically played by a girl who gave me the run-around for about 2 months up till Valentine's Day when I went above and beyond to make her "feel special"( roses, chocolate, the works...). She told me what I wanted to hear( the feel-good texts), called me "babe" and just enough physical contact(holding hands and drawn out hugs) to get me to "open up", be vulnerable and talk about feelings. I basically became her Beta Orbiter and she loved it

You put a lot of yourself into that relationship you had with her... Too much. It was a learning experience though. Love is over-romanticized. Everybody idealized it to be like it is in the movies, some fantasy romance. But it is far from that. You pedestalized her, and you were not in love with her but instead with the ideal you created of her in your mind.

I had become dangerously dependent on these "tokens of affection"

She became more important to you than even yourself, her happiness became more important than your own self-respect. That is the problem... You became dependent on HER. Do not find someone else to make you complete. You must first make yourself complete. Do not wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden. Women should not be seen as something you are missing and something you need, but rather more as an accessory to add to your already complete life.

 

[Datboy98]

This looks like it will be long... But I will read.
Your youth is not too atypical from most. People in those ages go through a phase of self-discovery and understanding. There are some who never truly discover and understand themselves.


You put a lot of yourself into that relationship you had with her... Too much. It was a learning experience though. Love is over-romanticized. Everybody idealized it to be like it is in the movies, some fantasy romance. But it is far from that. You pedestalized her, and you were not in love with her but instead with the ideal you created of her in your mind.


She became more important to you than even yourself, her happiness became more important than your own self-respect. That is the problem... You became dependent on HER. Do not find someone else to make you complete. You must first make yourself complete. Do not wait for someone to bring you flowers, plant your own garden. Women should not be seen as something you are missing and something you need, but rather more as an accessory to add to your already complete life.

Thanks for taking time to respond. I realised that I pedestalized her and essentially projected an inferiority complex towards her. I over-invested simply because I was desperate to cling onto the morsels of affection that were being throen my way. In hindsight, I acted way to needy. In a day or two, I shall post the steps I took subsequently to get out of the hole I dug myself in.