First off, this is VERY, VERY, VERY hard for me to write out in plain text. I have an intense fear of being judged as inferior by other people and I fear of looking like anything but flawless. This post exist only because of a certain person have helped me open up with his own openness. You know who you are. Thank you, you made me take the first step!
Background
(you can skip this if you like)
During my entire life I've been a pretty shy person. The values I got from my home was very unorthodox if you look at how a "common" person is raised. I learnt that fighting was wrong so I never ever stood up for myself. That of course lead to I was being bullied by alot of people and since I was pretty ugly too, wore my brothes used clothes and always getting teased for my ears that stood out. If you would have looked up the word loser you had a picture and explanation of me there.
This is pretty important. During my time at 4-6 grade there were girls who toyed with my heart. They played like they were interested in me. Then they broke up with me in front of their friends when I got interested and wanted to be boyfriend. There are some girls during my entire life which have done like this. It has left me with a fear of being hurt and a closed personality. I am going to change this in this journey to a better life.
Well, it's very hard to explain what kind of person I was during my first nine years in school. Antisocial, immature, selfish... the list goes on. I was the opposite of what a DJ should be. In the seventh to ninth year in school the bullying was the most intensive. I had much of my social phobia back then. I remember finding it relaxing to look at my feet when I walked because I didn't have to look other people in the eyes. Alot of stuff happened to me, humiliation, teasing, being hit. Basically I didn't consider myself a human being but instead some sort of special species which no one could ever like. I remember our school photo were I played a mummie so no one could see my ugly face. That thought about no one can ever like me still exist today.
During the time I had fun though, I never gave a **** what people thought becasue I was so convinced I was undesirable that I didn't care what happened. Two girls showed interest to me during those three years even though I was a complete nutter. Still had some depression and I was VERY self councious about my interaction with other people. When I hang out with a gang of 13 year olds with my cool 15 year old friend I always poundered the conversation in my bed when I got home to see if I made a fool out of myself.
When I decided to show interest in girls I got BLOWN OFF pretty harsch. No one liked me at all and that made me very sad. Like all other boys I wanted to try out how a relationship was, I wanted to have sex and that stuff. Kissed my first girl in first grade, and had my first GF at fourth grade. But since then It all went down.
Sosuave phase
(still you can skip this)
Leaving the ninth grade and entering high school I discovered my life needed a change, I was literally a 16 year old with the social skills of a 12 year old. I wanted a GF so badly. But no one liked me. I was so self councious. I remember particaly a moment at my summer job with my father. I was wearing sandals and I didn't dare to walk with them near people because people could judge me for them and label me loser now that the bullying had stopped.
Anyway, I searched around and found a good article on how to change your life around. I tried my best to follow it. Talking to girls in my class and making friends. Managed to make friends with the two biggest nerds in the class. But still it was improvement. I was happy with them and we had alot of fun together. Still there were the issue with being unattractive, having zero confidence, being afraid of women, depression, feeling worthless and undesirable. And to be honest, most women didn't want to talk to me.
I found sosuave but didn't discover the forums until a year later (back in 2002). When I read the info here, I was amazed! Finally one way I could change my life. Then the faithful day came and I made my first outdoor approach. Never been so scared in my life, but I did it! From there it was pretty easy, I made approach after approach after approach. If I would hear myself talk today I would die in embarassment. I forged my mind so hard to endure rejection (I think it was well over 3-400 approaches) that I no longer care about rejection.
I got fairly good at talking to women. Managed to get a ****loads of numbers (which I didn't call because I felt useless to others). I am sure many numbers were fake though. Still I was ugly like hell, I dressed even worse. During my entire life I had never followed fashion. So I experimented with different styles to see what would fit. Nothing worked well but at least it gave me some confidence. I met quite a lot of girls and I had many chances for sex but didn't take them because I was afraid and having sex was not me.
Hmm, I started a new school in 2003 autumn and I thought it as a way to get a fresch start. I dressed in my jeans jacket and acted all cool. For once I was alpha and respected. But I still had ****loads of social fears.
The new years eve of 2003 I met a girl with whom I fell in love. She was wonderful and I lost my virginity to her and she lost hers to me. I was radiant and happy. Then we talked about some stuff and our bodies came up, she told me she needed to gain some weight. I told her I loved her body but mine maybe was a little skinny. And she agreed. Being the first girl I ever had I was devastated that she left me. I swore to myself that I would kill every weakness in me, starting with my appearance.
The bulking phase - The Big Change
(Most current)
I cured my acne, started going to the gym, changed clothes, I colored my hair and got a hair cut. Bought cologne and stuff like that. This was march 2004. I stepped quivering into the gym and loaded the bar up with a 80 pound squat. Then I bulked and bulked, all alone in the gym week after week. By september I was no longer a 135 lbs guy I was bigger and meaner and it felt great. I no longer felt unsure of myself and was no longer ashamed for my ugly body.
I don't know if the testosterone boost changed my face apperance but I have gotten many compliments of it. =) Such a thing would be impossible three years ago.
Nowadays I don't have so much of a problem getting women if I get a good chance at meeting them through friends, but otherwise it's pretty hard. I've come miles since I started. I don't think I am ugly anymore, but I feel worthless non the less like every characteristic I have is of less value then others. I am not socially inept If I am about to talk to a group I love it, love the center of attention and stuff like that, I can lead, make jokes with people I like. But still there are many things I need to take care off.
The things I want to change and get rid off are:
* The fear of being judged when talking in class or at a new place were I don't know anyone. /picking up women when people are listening. (has much to do with a fear of being judged, like all people thing "Why does he bother hitting on her, he is worthless anyway" or "Does he think she will fall for THAT?")
* The feeling of feeling worthless and no one want anything to do with me/feeling of everyone looking down on me. (really destroy my self confidence when talking to women)
* Fear of being hurt, rediculed or teased.
* Fear of everyone judging me when I walk down a street alone.
* Fear of looking STRANGERS in the eye because I might get rejected.
* Feeling of never measuring up, everyone else is better in some way.
* Fear of showing interest to really beautiful women because they might toy with me like others have done.
* Fear of being judged for not having a good looking enough GF.
* Find ambition to do more social things
That's pretty much it keeping it very simple. Writing this has given me some insight and I think it is a great way to change my life around a third time.
Thanks for listening
Lifeforce
Background
(you can skip this if you like)
During my entire life I've been a pretty shy person. The values I got from my home was very unorthodox if you look at how a "common" person is raised. I learnt that fighting was wrong so I never ever stood up for myself. That of course lead to I was being bullied by alot of people and since I was pretty ugly too, wore my brothes used clothes and always getting teased for my ears that stood out. If you would have looked up the word loser you had a picture and explanation of me there.
This is pretty important. During my time at 4-6 grade there were girls who toyed with my heart. They played like they were interested in me. Then they broke up with me in front of their friends when I got interested and wanted to be boyfriend. There are some girls during my entire life which have done like this. It has left me with a fear of being hurt and a closed personality. I am going to change this in this journey to a better life.
Well, it's very hard to explain what kind of person I was during my first nine years in school. Antisocial, immature, selfish... the list goes on. I was the opposite of what a DJ should be. In the seventh to ninth year in school the bullying was the most intensive. I had much of my social phobia back then. I remember finding it relaxing to look at my feet when I walked because I didn't have to look other people in the eyes. Alot of stuff happened to me, humiliation, teasing, being hit. Basically I didn't consider myself a human being but instead some sort of special species which no one could ever like. I remember our school photo were I played a mummie so no one could see my ugly face. That thought about no one can ever like me still exist today.
During the time I had fun though, I never gave a **** what people thought becasue I was so convinced I was undesirable that I didn't care what happened. Two girls showed interest to me during those three years even though I was a complete nutter. Still had some depression and I was VERY self councious about my interaction with other people. When I hang out with a gang of 13 year olds with my cool 15 year old friend I always poundered the conversation in my bed when I got home to see if I made a fool out of myself.
When I decided to show interest in girls I got BLOWN OFF pretty harsch. No one liked me at all and that made me very sad. Like all other boys I wanted to try out how a relationship was, I wanted to have sex and that stuff. Kissed my first girl in first grade, and had my first GF at fourth grade. But since then It all went down.
Sosuave phase
(still you can skip this)
Leaving the ninth grade and entering high school I discovered my life needed a change, I was literally a 16 year old with the social skills of a 12 year old. I wanted a GF so badly. But no one liked me. I was so self councious. I remember particaly a moment at my summer job with my father. I was wearing sandals and I didn't dare to walk with them near people because people could judge me for them and label me loser now that the bullying had stopped.
Anyway, I searched around and found a good article on how to change your life around. I tried my best to follow it. Talking to girls in my class and making friends. Managed to make friends with the two biggest nerds in the class. But still it was improvement. I was happy with them and we had alot of fun together. Still there were the issue with being unattractive, having zero confidence, being afraid of women, depression, feeling worthless and undesirable. And to be honest, most women didn't want to talk to me.
I found sosuave but didn't discover the forums until a year later (back in 2002). When I read the info here, I was amazed! Finally one way I could change my life. Then the faithful day came and I made my first outdoor approach. Never been so scared in my life, but I did it! From there it was pretty easy, I made approach after approach after approach. If I would hear myself talk today I would die in embarassment. I forged my mind so hard to endure rejection (I think it was well over 3-400 approaches) that I no longer care about rejection.
I got fairly good at talking to women. Managed to get a ****loads of numbers (which I didn't call because I felt useless to others). I am sure many numbers were fake though. Still I was ugly like hell, I dressed even worse. During my entire life I had never followed fashion. So I experimented with different styles to see what would fit. Nothing worked well but at least it gave me some confidence. I met quite a lot of girls and I had many chances for sex but didn't take them because I was afraid and having sex was not me.
Hmm, I started a new school in 2003 autumn and I thought it as a way to get a fresch start. I dressed in my jeans jacket and acted all cool. For once I was alpha and respected. But I still had ****loads of social fears.
The new years eve of 2003 I met a girl with whom I fell in love. She was wonderful and I lost my virginity to her and she lost hers to me. I was radiant and happy. Then we talked about some stuff and our bodies came up, she told me she needed to gain some weight. I told her I loved her body but mine maybe was a little skinny. And she agreed. Being the first girl I ever had I was devastated that she left me. I swore to myself that I would kill every weakness in me, starting with my appearance.
The bulking phase - The Big Change
(Most current)
I cured my acne, started going to the gym, changed clothes, I colored my hair and got a hair cut. Bought cologne and stuff like that. This was march 2004. I stepped quivering into the gym and loaded the bar up with a 80 pound squat. Then I bulked and bulked, all alone in the gym week after week. By september I was no longer a 135 lbs guy I was bigger and meaner and it felt great. I no longer felt unsure of myself and was no longer ashamed for my ugly body.
I don't know if the testosterone boost changed my face apperance but I have gotten many compliments of it. =) Such a thing would be impossible three years ago.
Nowadays I don't have so much of a problem getting women if I get a good chance at meeting them through friends, but otherwise it's pretty hard. I've come miles since I started. I don't think I am ugly anymore, but I feel worthless non the less like every characteristic I have is of less value then others. I am not socially inept If I am about to talk to a group I love it, love the center of attention and stuff like that, I can lead, make jokes with people I like. But still there are many things I need to take care off.
The things I want to change and get rid off are:
* The fear of being judged when talking in class or at a new place were I don't know anyone. /picking up women when people are listening. (has much to do with a fear of being judged, like all people thing "Why does he bother hitting on her, he is worthless anyway" or "Does he think she will fall for THAT?")
* The feeling of feeling worthless and no one want anything to do with me/feeling of everyone looking down on me. (really destroy my self confidence when talking to women)
* Fear of being hurt, rediculed or teased.
* Fear of everyone judging me when I walk down a street alone.
* Fear of looking STRANGERS in the eye because I might get rejected.
* Feeling of never measuring up, everyone else is better in some way.
* Fear of showing interest to really beautiful women because they might toy with me like others have done.
* Fear of being judged for not having a good looking enough GF.
* Find ambition to do more social things
That's pretty much it keeping it very simple. Writing this has given me some insight and I think it is a great way to change my life around a third time.
Thanks for listening
Lifeforce
