My girlfriend's gay best friend

[Ease]

How to deal with this:

Dont make a big deal.

If its weird and too far, ie. sleeping in the same bed, say 'ok well in that case i assume its ok for me to sleep in the same bed as my lesbian friend'.

If shes ok with this, then find a lesbian friend and sleep in the same bed as her.

 

[omkara]

There are several wrong assumptions at work here. One is that because he is gay, he's just like a woman and not attracted on a subtle level. Nope, he's still a man, gay or not.

The other assumption is that just bc they're not having sex, it's all totally cool. Well they may not be having sex, but they still have physical and emotional intimacy. So in a sense she is "cheating" by going outside of the relationship to fulfill these needs.

Of course in our society we have no standards for behavior. Some people are like, "oh, they're not having sex, so nothing else counts." And other people are like, "well he's still a man, so it's disloyal." People take advantage of this cultural ambiguity to get away with doing whatever they want (in this case taking as much physical and emotional intimacy as they can get). I have seen this when I broke up with my gf and she was cuddling with her lesbian friend on the couch in front of me. Nowadays people are afraid to say anything to women or gay people because they are sacred cows of the PC culture. If you say anything you'll be accused of being backwards and intolerant. But if you go back a few decades, when we still had some kind of semblance of tradition and morals, this would not be considered acceptable.

Maybe you can try giving her whatever he is giving her that she feels is lacking (intimacy), and letting her know that you want her to go to you to get these things. However, I agree with the poster who said that a relationship in this situation is doomed. They won't accept what you say because of the surrounding climate of cultural ambiguity. For everything you say, they can find 10 people who will say you're being jealous and outdated. That's my experience anyways.

 

[DJDamage]

I just wanted to know if you think this relationship she has with him is normal and if I should put up with it.

No it is not normal.

Your girlfriend sleeping in the same bed with a gay guy is a result of men not putting a stop to bullsh1t once it starts or before it starts. Does she sleep in the same bed with other girls?! do you sleep in the same bed with other dudes?! fvck no!!

what I am questioning is why she would have such close contact with someone who is just a friend.

Because it is the hip thing to do and trust me on this: "women know what pisses guys off and if they can get away with it then it makes them feel powerful about themseleves".

Why would they always sleep in the same bed? ..

Why do females keep orbitors?! because they give them attention non stop without needing to sleep with them. This gay dude apparently is one step ahead of orbitors.

Is this a normal thing for gay men and straight women to do?

No its bullsh1t.

In a sense it almost feels like I am sharing her with him, even if there is no sexual activity..

You are in a sense sharing her with him. Your girlfriend is an attention wh0re that needs constant attention from males all the time and when you are not around she gets the attention from him. What can't she get herelf more girlfriends?!

What's more, he doesn't like you (I guess you not wanting to join to a threesome ruins his fantasy, you must not be progressive enough!) and your girlfriend has not done anything towards strengthening your relationship by stopping and spending time with this guy knowing he often expresses his dislike towards you.

You shouldn't have let her be your girlfriend in the first place when you found out what they were doing but because you did, you have allowed her to continue with this bullsh1t.

What's next? maybe they will start to take a bubble bath together, after all its ok if he is going to rub her back with a soapy sponge naked because he is gay right?!

 

[eaglez1177]

^I completely agree.

Your situation is the farthest thing from normal. Gay, straight, bi, or tri it doesnt fvckin matter. Hes still a man, and hes SLEEPING with YOUR girl. Think of that.

Use common sense too, how often do you hear of other gay guys sleeping with girls? Not so much.

You gotta take charge, and let her know that it is okay that she has a gay friend, but that theres no way you are going to take all of these extremes shes going to.

 

[Moofahsa]

I'd beat the homo down, call it a hate crime and do my time. Just as I was getting out on Parole he would be coming out of his coma...and I'd do it again just because I'm that freakin stupid.

No seriously, this situation is ridiculous. Next her and be done with it, simply ridiculous for you to even put up with it.

 

[radiodude]

The increased incidents of Homosexual behavior and homosexual indentification in society come from psychologically, mentally screwed up people.

Gayness is an abomination of nature. It is not the way things are designed. Underneath these gay persona's whether they are real or not, is a straight person. Thats right, a person who was designed to be straight.

Every gay guy has some straight thoughts, whether they ever act on them or not. Their self-image and gender identity issues come from messed up family histories, even if those histories don't look messed up.

There is no 'gay gene'. Period.

Neither is there a straight gene. Rather people are just 'sexual'. They are designed to relate and be sexual but that sexuality is not defined in some way at birth.

I don't care what science says because I've seen too many people flip back and forth between.

As far as your situation. That means this guy is probably straight somewhere deep down. A definate threat. And definate disrespect to you on your GF's part.

 

[ziggystardust]

I had a son with a woman who had a gay man best friend. She was definately NOT having sex with him in fact found him repulsive to look at. Still drove me insane though and I used to dig my fingernails into my palm everytime she was on the phone to him. She stopped the phone calls but then the text messages drove me mad. In the end I finished with her and went round his home and grabbed him by the collar and said you satisfied now and threw him further into his house so he fell flat on his back. The real victim of this was our son who now has split parents. The thing that still annoys me is that he knew where it was leading so in my view he didn't care a pigs ear about her or me or our son just himself. I know more about this sort of thing now and know I did the right thing. Gay men have a sort of twisted fetish about being matey with hetrosexual women especially if they're with a guy. I still believe her intentions were honerable but his were twisted. I do blame her for the end of the relationship though because if she had dumped him we would still be together. Now I'm happily married but she's been through 6 partners and they all dumped her in the end because of him and he still doesn't care a pigs ear. She's made a rod for her own back there.
Don't go as far down the road as I did. Get out now and save the heartache and let another man pick up where you left off and let him be crucified by the awful anxiety caused by your woman being matey with a gay man. Ignore the bull about accepting it. Thats political bull and only very odd men can do it. Your normal and normal men can't deal with that ****e. Nothing wrong with being normal. Get on with your life and let her wonder why all her relationships fail.

 

[Werman]

I'm not an expert, so if one of the guys out there with a psyche background wants to correct me, feel free.

I took human sexuality a few years back when I was racking up college credits for fun while waiting on a security clearance in the Air Force. One of the things that came up was the Kinsey Scale.

According to this scale, human sexuality is not a binary. That is, people aren't either heterosexual or homosexual, but rather fall somewhere on a scale between the two extremes. While small fragments of the population are exclusively hetero and homo, the vast majority of us fall somewhere in the middle. It is due to social conditioning that we choose one way or the other.

In the past, homosexuality has been a serious taboo, even punishable by death (and still is in some parts of the world) so it is likely that only those on the far extreme of the scale towards homosexuality chose that lifestyle. However, in recent years, this lifestyle has become more accepted. It's not a stretch to say that more and more people who feel even slight tendencies may be willing to give the lifestyle a chance as there are no longer severe consequences and there is even a greater opportunity for acceptance if one feels even slight alienation from whatever is "mainstream."

That being said, in today's culture it is highly unlikely that this guy is exclusively gay. VERY few people actually are. He may have only been with guys in the past, but if he and your girl feel a strong connection to one another, one of them may make a move, and the other may reciprocate. Especially if they are already going so far as to share a bed together (Which is inappropriate no matter what his orientation... Hell, I wouldn't even share a bed with my own sister when the only other place to sleep was a concrete slab floor.)

I would tell her to cease and desist. If she doesn't do it, walk.

 

[starplayer]

Remember the secret society tyler durden talked about.

http://www.bristollair.com/inner-game/nature-and-reality/secret-society.html

Of course it was supposed to be an analogy about the game and not to be taken literally, but i think some parts could refer to this type of situation.

They also **** their gay boyfriends or jerk them off or give them head. They're part of the secret society too, so they can't be left out.

4) If you are a member, and say that you are really lonely and you need someone to snuggle and makeout with, all members of the secret society will agree to do so with you. If you are a girl, you have privilege to snuggle and kiss and sleep in the same bed as all other girls. If you are gay, you can do the same. If it escalates to sex, its an accident and does not count. If you're a player, and you make girls around you emotional, and the friends are all in good emotions about it, they sleep with you. No one is a slut in the secret society, because the secret society does not judge.

I read somewhere else recently about girls and their gay friends occasionally taking care of each others sexual needs. Of course this isn't always the case, but it might happen more than most people think.

 

[starplayer]

This is the other thing i was thinking of. I came across it the other day and just remembered where i'd seen it.

http://www.pualingo.com/pua-definitions/orbiter/

The gay friend: who isn’t totally gay: may act like a mother hen or AFOG, with SHBs, sometimes ****s her, but there is no relationship or feelings. It is important to befriend him given his ability to communicate on a feminine level. If befriending is not possible, at least neutralize him. Fighting with the gay friend will only end up with you wacking it to internet porn.

Never even heard of this sort of stuff going on up until a couple of weeks ago. It's kinda worrying actually, and a good reason to avoid any girl who is a self-confessed "fag hag".

 

[Paintballguy]

It's funny reading this because my friend was trying to talk to this chick I know, and she had a gay friend with her at the bar ****blocking.

That whole sleeping in the same bed wouldn't fly with me. I don't care how "gay" the guy is. He still has a d1ck. I know my gf wouldn't be too thrilled if I slept with an old FB that is bi and a stripper. lol

 

[Energizer]

I'd cheat on her mate, just get a bird into your bed and ravish her. The ultimate source of revenge.

She probably hasn't done anything with this lad, but she has disrespected you and you should see life through the perspective of an eye for an eye.

 

[02hero]

She's taking the piss, you don't need to put up with that nonsense. Get rid.

 

[Cabal]

This is what is called a SURROGATE RELATIONSHIP.

He's totally SAFE to have a relationship with because he's never going to get her pregnant and stuff.

She's totally SAFE to have a relationship because she's never going to ram something up his ass without permission.

But for your relationship this ISN'T SAFE.

Unfortunately, she's going to one day die alone except for him - like a tragic Will And Grace - because no guy is going to try and compete with a relationship she's been having for a decade or so.

I've seen it too many times.

 

[horaholic]

Did the OP bail out or what? We havent heard form him in a while.

 

[Energizer]

Did the OP bail out or what? We havent heard form him in a while.

You'd like to think he would grow a pair and tell her to bore off, but I bet you the situation has been "sorted" and everything is fine now. :nono:

 

[scrouds]

I love it when someone digs up an old thread and we attack like its anew.

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Start beating!