My girlfriend has a daughter

[kdnash82]

I'll try to make this short, but will probably end up missing a lot of details in the process.

Basically, I have a girlfriend that I met about 2 years ago. Basically we were always back and forth in our relationship. Sometimes things would be good, and other times there were really bad. We eventually ended things after about a year.

1 whole year later, we're back together. Things are a lot better than they were before, but we still run into the problem with her daughter. When we first met, she would let her daughter talk to me any kind of way she wanted to. She was 4 at that time. On top of that, the daughter was very spoiled. She didn't sleep in her own room, so when I came over, we would have to wait for her to fall asleep, then put her in her own bed. She would cry over everything and lie in order to get whatever she wanted.

She's 6 now, and absolutely nothing has changed. She still wants someone to sleep with her. She still sucks her thumb. She still wets the bed. She still lies to get what she wants.

Now to describe all of this. Just last night her mom put her to bed. 10 minutes later, she comes knocking on the door saying that she couldn't sleep because she felt itchy. All the while she's smiling. So mom gets up out of bed, puts a different blanket down and says "You just wanted some attention huh?" The daughter replies "Yeah". The same night around 1am she gets up out of bed, wakes her daughter up, and takes her to the bathroom so she can pee, for fear that she'll pee in the bed.

Now you all might ask, why do I care. Well, we've been planning on making this official and it's something I'm gonna have to deal with on a daily basis. We also have been talking about having a kid together.

Now as the step father, people are like, just have fun with the kid, which is what I try to do. When I do this, she see's me as the fun friend, and all respect goes out the window. She doens't give her mom very much respect, and disrespect from a 6 year old is something I won't tolerate.

Anyway, how the hell do I deal with this. I've suggested counseling, which she's agreed too. Father doesn't think anything is wrong with his daughter. Maybe he's right and I just have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about. Anyone else been in this situation?

Also, our arguements are always about the daughter. I just received a text saying that we should take a break. I haven't responded, and don't think I will. Any advice?

 

[KontrollerX]

Your counseling idea is a good one.

You both absolutely have to get this situation sorted to both of your satisfaction or I see nothing but a messy divorce somewhere down the road.

Your girl agreed to counseling so just do that and see what happens.

Maybe give the relationship one or two more years to decide if you want to get married to see if the situation improves after counseling with a lasting improvement or just a short term improvement that goes right back to infuriating you.

 

[kdnash82]

Maybe give the relationship one or two more years to decide if you want to get married to see if the situation improves after counseling with a lasting improvement or just a short term improvement that goes right back to infuriating you.

Good advice and normally I wouldn't be rushed to jump into this situation without having a good warm and fuzzy about the whole thing.

One of those details that I left out is that in two years a baby might be completely out of the question due to age.

 

[penkitten]

i guess i am the first to respond here.
you are going to have to ask yourself how much you want this relationship to work, because you have some hard work ahead of you.
first of all, you have to sit down with this woman and put it all on the table and it is all going to come down to how much compromise the two of you can come to.
can she stop letting her daughter run the show?

you will have to tell her that in order for you to make things official, and to start a life together, changes must be made first.
the first thing will be the chain of command around that place.
the adults (father /stepfather and mother) run the show, not the children.
her daughter is not going to like this and she will rebel, but if the two of you stick together, you will wear her down.

let me give an example: bedtime is bedtime period.
at 6 yrs old, a child can be told at 8 pm that it is bath time, may need to have some supervision in the tub by leaving the door open, and might need help with washing their hair but no one needs to be sitting in the bathroom to hold their hand while they play and wash their body.
out of the tub, means straight to get in night night clothes and she might need help with brushing her hair.
when her mother is done with that, then she can bring her out to say goodnight to you. this is your chance to take control of the night.
you say, let's all go read a goodnight story.
everyone goes in the bedroom and you can be the story reader.
(later on, the child can take turns reading it with you.)
when the story is over, ask who has to pee? and this is her mother's cue to take her to the potty. (if there are no more drinks after dinner, a normal 6 yr old can potty before bed and then hold it all night long with no troubles)
while they are gone, turn the night light on.
when they come back in, tell her to get into bed, and say her prayers and that when she wakes up that mom will make her breakfast.
everyone kisses the child and goes out of the room.

in ten minutes when she gets outta bed, do not listen to her. stop her, tell her it is bedtime, walk her back to bed, put her in bed , walk away and close the door.

in ten minutes when she does it again, just say bedtime and put her back in bed and close the door. no spanking, no cussing, but be firm that is it bedtime period.

she will cry and kick and scream. she will get back up all night long maybe for a week. it will be unbearable for the mother who has let the child rule the roast for so long. BUT it MUST be done and it must be done now.

when she finally breaks, and goes to bed and stays there for a whole week, you have one your first battle.

then you must work on all the other stuff, like the disrespect she has to her mother, it might require a time out chair. chores? get a chore chart and figure out a reward system that includes penalties. rules? make a house rule list.

being a parent is some hard stuff, but being a step parent is even harder and you get less respect from the world. you must be tough and you must stand your ground.

make it a rule, whomever sent the kid to time out is the only one that can release the kid when time is done being served. do not allow the mother to tell her she can get up if you sent her to the chair. it defeats it all.

you must get this child straightened out before you can become part of the family or she will not allow you to become part of it, she will interfere with everything and she will not let you be a man in this house.
you must get her in line before you bring a new child into this house, or you will regret it all.

good luck, be strong.

 

[kdnash82]

you are going to have to ask yourself how much you want this relationship to work, because you have some hard work ahead of you.
first of all, you have to sit down with this woman and put it all on the table and it is all going to come down to how much compromise the two of you can come to.
can she stop letting her daughter run the show?

When I decided I was ready to be a father, and knew that I could take care of the 4 of us financially is when I knew I was ready to commit to this relationship 100%.

you will have to tell her that in order for you to make things official, and to start a life together, changes must be made first.
the first thing will be the chain of command around that place.
the adults (father /stepfather and mother) run the show, not the children.
her daughter is not going to like this and she will rebel, but if the two of you stick together, you will wear her down.

Funny thing was that we were arguing over things that the daughter did to her, not to me. For example, her mom might tell her to do something, and she might be drawing or coloring or playing with her dolls. The response she would get is "Wait... I'm almost finished." My response to that is, "Stop what you're doing and do what your mother just asked you to do. When you're finished doing what she asked, you can come back to that." Crying or pouting would come at that point. (my mom would pop me in the mouth if i carried on like this, but these are different times)

I believe I get more respect from her daughter than she does. At the same time, because I correct her, lately I've been called mean. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that the mother doesn't back me up when i make these corrections. In her words "it's between you and her... I'm not in it". Not much support here which is something I plan on bringing up in counseling.

let me give an example: bedtime is bedtime period.
at 6 yrs old, a child can be told at 8 pm that it is bath time, may need to have some supervision in the tub by leaving the door open, and might need help with washing their hair but no one needs to be sitting in the bathroom to hold their hand while they play and wash their body.
out of the tub, means straight to get in night night clothes and she might need help with brushing her hair.
when her mother is done with that, then she can bring her out to say goodnight to you.

I agree 100% with you on this, and this is mostly the way we run things. Differences, which I don't like... She bathes and washes her hair. After she's done with that, she lets her play in the tub. Something I will bring up is the fact that she should be washing herself, but can help washing her hair. Another problem is that she doesn't like brushing her teeth. She will play while brushing her teeth, and the effect is cavities. Just the other day when her mom checked her teeth there was still film on them. I've suggested getting her some of those tablets that turn your teeth red so you can see where you missed brushing.

in ten minutes when she gets outta bed, do not listen to her. stop her, tell her it is bedtime, walk her back to bed, put her in bed , walk away and close the door.

In these cases the mom will hop in the bed with daughter and wait until she falls asleep. Pisses me the hell off. I will always understand that no matter what, I will come 2nd to the daughter. But I refuse to sleep in a bed alone waiting for the person I love to join me because the daughter doesn't like sleeping by herself. The excuse I get out of this is "I like sleeping with her".

good luck, be strong.

Thanks a lot for all the advice.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I believe I get more respect from her daughter than she does. At the same time, because I correct her, lately I've been called mean. I believe this has a lot to do with the fact that the mother doesn't back me up when i make these corrections. In her words "it's between you and her... I'm not in it". Not much support here which is something I plan on bringing up in counseling."

You're definitely right in thinking here.

United we stand or divided we fall is so true in your situation.

You're being set up as the bad guy as long as your girl doesn't back you but I'm sure the counselor will find a good way to show her this.

 

[maranathaman]

This may be obvious, but maybe it needs to be mentioned:
When You are with a woman who has kids, her kids are
her 1st priority. Your needs will always be secondary at best. I have dated women with kids and learned through experience that I am no longer willing to get the leftover scraps of my woman's attention after her kids, work, house cleaning, chores etc.
In my opinion, there are lots of women available who don't have kids. So it's my decision to no longer date single moms unless she's so incredibly hot that I just can't help myself. And most mom's are not THAT hot!

 

[kdnash82]

You're definitely right in thinking here.

United we stand or divided we fall is so true in your situation.

You're being set up as the bad guy as long as your girl doesn't back you but I'm sure the counselor will find a good way to show her this.

Thanks a lot.. This is definately the support I needed. I'm glad that I'm on the right track here. I'm sure I have some faults also and I'm hopeful that once we get this counselor involved everything will come to light.

Any idea on whether I should get a male counselor or female counselor. I was leaning towards female.

The up side to this would be that she will give me another view of the female side of thinking, better help me figure out what she's trying to say to me. My girl and her daughter will feel more comfortable talking to another woman vice a man. She won't feel teamed up against. She won't feel cornered.

The downside might just be the exact opposite for me. I'm even thinking about doing both a male and female, but I'm not entirely sure how productive that will be.

What are your thoughts?

 

[kdnash82]

This may be obvious, but maybe it needs to be mentioned:
When You are with a woman who has kids, her kids are
her 1st priority. Your needs will always be secondary at best. I have dated women with kids and learned through experience that I am no longer willing to get the leftover scraps of my woman's attention after her kids, work, house cleaning, chores etc.
In my opinion, there are lots of women available who don't have kids. So it's my decision to no longer date single moms unless she's so incredibly hot that I just can't help myself. And most mom's are not THAT hot!

I accepted that fact when we first started dating. It's reality and I've learned to deal with it. It's your decision to not date women who are single moms. I'm willing to work with the situation though.

Looks are based on opinion. I've seen some moms that look 20x's better than women without kids. They're minds are geared differently also. It's all a matter of preference.

 

[KontrollerX]

I think you are right that a female counselor would be the best choice in this situation for your stated reasons.

If the female counselor does her job and isn't a biased man hater she will take your side on the child issue because you are right about it and then any other faults you and your woman have and need to work out personally will be equally picked apart so as to not make one or the other of you feel too ganged up on.

Also another thing you could do is call a bunch of male and female counselors and have a short conversation and whichever one sounds the most trustworthy that would be the one you would select.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I bet mom does not believe in spanking, right? It's not like you have to beat the kid all the time - just once, and she'd listen. All it takes is fear of spanking, but if there is no spanking, there is no fear. Children naturally push boundaries; that's how they find them. But if she never gives her kid boundaries, it will only get worse. Can you imagine this little girl as a teenager?

 

[kdnash82]

I bet mom does not believe in spanking, right? It's not like you have to beat the kid all the time - just once, and she'd listen. All it takes is fear of spanking, but if there is no spanking, there is no fear. Children naturally push boundaries; that's how they find them. But if she never gives her kid boundaries, it will only get worse.

I've only seen this maybe twice. I've seen her slap her daughters face. Does it happen often. Definately not. Not saying that I approve of it either. Growing up, I would always get hit with a belt. If it was my grandmother it was a switch (thin branch from a tree). As I got older and bigger than my mom, she would start swinging to knock me out (closed fist punch), but that's another story, pretty funny actually. But to answer your question, she doesn't really spank. Especially in public. She thinks that someone would call child services. I think if it's done in a manner that comes across as discipline rather than abuse it's fine. I would get spanked all the time in public, but these are different times now. I believe spanking vice slapping would be more appropriate.

Can you imagine this little girl as a teenager?

Man... I think about it day and night. It's constanly on my mind. What is gonna happen with this girl when she hits middle school. She's already curious about relationships between men and women.

One day I'm sitting in the living room flipping through the channels and pass a station where a man and woman were laying in bed kissing. I passed this channel (basic cable channel) and she asked me to go back. When I told her no, she said she was going to go watch tv in the other room. I then told her not to be going to that channel and if I found out she did she would be in trouble.

At one point I had to catch myself. Her mom had just come out the shower and put on one of those sexy night gowns. (not sure what they're called... I think teddy?) Anyway, the daughter caught me looking at mom as she walked around the house and said, "You guys are gonna have s-e-x tonight huh?" She's 6!!!

I think this has a lot to do with the fact that her mom has conversations with her friends while her daughter is around, and the daughter will sit there quietly pretending not to pay attention.

Now when she starts to talk to me about something, I tell her to save it until her daughter goes to sleep. She's getting better about this.

 

[penkitten]

to be completely honest, i don't think you need counseling. i think you need to have your gf watch the nanny instead.
i think you are taking the right approach to things, however the mother has to change her ways on some things.
children need a routine, children need discipline and children need rules.
when mom breaks the routine of night night, and makes it ok to sleep in the child's room with her until she falls asleep, it makes a whole new routine outta that.
when children are not disciplined on what to say (you guys are having sex tonight right) then they will feel that they can say anything at anytime.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Your counseling idea is a good one....

I'd challenge that. Counseling is most effective when both people agree that they are sharing the same problem. I don't think that's the case here.

The challenge here is that kdnash82 believe there is an issue with the relationship because of how his girlfriend spoils her daughter is effecting how they interact. However, his girlfriend believes that he is having an issue with her daughter and the girlfriend doesn't feel that there's an issue with how she's parenting the little one.

I'm not saying that either is wrong, but counseling will be a waste of time unless each feels that they are partaking in a situation which isn't healthy and I believe that each person feels that the other is more accountable for the problem (whatever that may be). Also, if the girlfriend believed that there was a "fixable" issue with the relationship, she wouldn't have asked for a relationship break.

It's not easy restarting a relationship when the issues which troubled the relationship the first time are still there the second time around. I seriously suggest that kdnash82 really consider if he's willing not only to accept his girlfriend and her daughter, but also accept the premise that his girlfriend may not feel that there is a need for her to change the situation with her daughter.

 

[kdnash82]

I'd challenge that. Counseling is most effective when both people agree that they are sharing the same problem. I don't think that's the case here.

The challenge here is that kdnash82 believe there is an issue with the relationship because of how his girlfriend spoils her daughter is effecting how they interact. However, his girlfriend believes that he is having an issue with her daughter and the girlfriend doesn't feel that there's an issue with how she's parenting the little one.

I'm not saying that either is wrong, but counseling will be a waste of time unless each feels that they are partaking in a situation which isn't healthy and I believe that each person feels that the other is more accountable for the problem (whatever that may be). Also, if the girlfriend believed that there was a "fixable" issue with the relationship, she wouldn't have asked for a relationship break.

It's not easy restarting a relationship when the issues which troubled the relationship the first time are still there the second time around. I seriously suggest that kdnash82 really consider if he's willing not only to accept his girlfriend and her daughter, but also accept the premise that his girlfriend may not feel that there is a need for her to change the situation with her daughter.

this sounds like a valid arguement. what if we were to partake in counseling for both topics?

Also, she said that even though we were on a break she ws still open to go to counseling, so i think there must be some hope here for that fact alone.

over all, if things don't work out between us, it'll hurt initially, but i bounced back before, and positive i will again.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

this sounds like a valid arguement. what if we were to partake in counseling for both topics?

Also, she said that even though we were on a break she ws still open to go to counseling, so i think there must be some hope here for that fact alone.

over all, if things don't work out between us, it'll hurt initially, but i bounced back before, and positive i will again.

First you should truthfully figure out whether you want this relationship or do you need this relationship.

 

[KontrollerX]

"I'd challenge that. Counseling is most effective when both people agree that they are sharing the same problem. I don't think that's the case here."

Thats true.

It could simply be appeasement on her part and not a genuine interest at getting at the heart of the problem.

A way to hang onto kdnash by appearing to move in his direction.

I hate when chicks do that disingenuous bullsh!t in an effort to hang onto the guy because they are only momentarily preventing the relationship's fall not stopping that fall altogether which is the only sane solution they can make if they really want to hang onto their guy.

Still I think a 3rd party especially a female professional telling kdnash's girlfriend she's in the wrong as pertaining to the child situation may be just the jolt of reality she needs to really wake up and do right by kdnash and her child.

And that could also fail but I'm just saying its worth a shot as there's really nothing to lose by trying and the alternative is either kdnash leaves this girl until she gets serious about changing the child situation to something more tolerable for him or just accepting things as is which he has already established to him is unacceptable.

 

[Last Man Standing]

Baby mama drama!!!! Chaos is the result!! This is the natural result from an unnatural union!!! Don't want to type the details of the "why?"

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Baby mama drama!!!! Chaos is the result!! This is the natural result from an unnatural union!!! Don't want to type the details of the "why?"

It's just proof that women give some men purpose. It is what it is.

 

[kdnash82]

I already have it in my mind to see the counselor. This is what I wanted. She agreed to it. If what the counselor says is not what I had in mind, then I'll go with it. If it still doesn't work out afterwards, then I'll move on. Sounds pretty simple to me.

I don't think this plan is gonna work out against me. I'm a sane person, and to my knowledge everyone treats their kids the way I think "KIDS" should be treated. One problem in this matter is the fact that I don't have a kid. She believes that I would treat my kid any different than I treat her daughter.

If I had a kid, I would raise her the same way I was raised. Another fact that I left out is that she (the mother) was born into a very rich family. She was the younger daughter out of 3 children. Basically spoiled to the point where she didn't have to work until her mother died and the money dried out. Stupid on her part, but if it didn't happen, I wouldn't be in the picture right now. Now she's raising her daughter the way she was raised. SPOILED ROTTEN!!